Thursday, 17 February 2011
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Never Stop Falling in Love
I've been thinking a lot in the past few months about whether or not it's possible for a relationship to last forever.
People change. So even if partners choose to be faithful and maintain the relationship, is there really any way to stay in love forever? I have found that my relationships fall apart when I start putting qualifications on them, like "this is the man that I want to marry." With that title comes so many new qualifications. I suddenly have to start considering whether or not he'd be a good father, whether this man will be able to support a family on his (our) salary (salaries). The little things that he does like clicking his nails is no longer a simple annoyance, but rather, I have to ask myself "could I stand that for the rest of my life?" And more often than not, these sort of questions ruin my partner for me. All that I see are a lifetime's worth of bad things piled up in front of me, and who could accept that?
So, I've started to develop some hypotheses, beginning with the most important which is no timeline. My partner will no longer be someone who I project out into my future. We are together now, and we will develop over time as time sees fit to develop us. Thus, my worries would be useless and simply unfounded. When we stop working, we'll break up, but right now, we're working and that's that. My second thought is that commitments are unnecessary. This doesn't imply that being faithful and monogamous is unnecessary, just that forcing your relationship into a box with titles is unhealthy. Why must this man be my boyfriend instead of just the person who I love right now? Why is that so scary? And, in five years, why does he have to be my husband instead of just the person who I have loved for five years and continue to love every single day? I'm not bashing marriage by any means, but when your partner stops being the one whom you love and instead becomes only your husband or wife, I feel that the relationship is lost. My third idea is that we need to stop being so afraid of ending relationships. If it isn't working, then it isn't working. Maybe you'll find yourself back together in six months or a year or ten years, but you shouldn't waste your now in an unhappy relationship. We are afraid of change, but that also means that we are afraid of growth. If you're living without love, then it's time to move on and open yourself up to new possibilities.
If you allow yourself to live in the moment, reject unhappy relationships, and rejoice in loving relationships, you'll never stop falling in love.
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About the Author
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- From: MissGilli@xanga
- About Me: I love music and my friends and history and being outside and learning and traveling and speaking other languages and being warm and not having to care about tomorrow.
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Comments (66)
Living in the moment has been the key to my happiness.
Love this post. It made me think about my current relationship. I'm always worried about what is going to happen, but I need to enjoy where we are and stop putting pressure on what the relationship will be. Though I have to admit, it's a little tough to sit back and enjoy the ride if you don't even know if the ride will last.
I always question everything when I'm in a relationship. Maybe I should just live in the moment.
Great post. Unfortunately because I have the same issues with your first two thoughts, I have no problems with the third point! All we need are perfect men and we'll be sorted!
Rapunzel @ www.talesfromthetower.co.uk
First off I want to say, nothing lasts forever. And I agree with what you're saying at the end..I do live in the moment because that is all we have.
That seems like a such a waste of time to me. The ultimate goal in dating is marriage isn't it? If it's not for you, then I see your logic, but for me it is. So why waste my time dating people who I'm already telling myself that I may not be with later on down the line? Why not ask myself from the beginning, is this person marriage material? Of course that takes time to figure out and I don't believe in checklists that define exactly who your future spouse should be then set out to find that nonexistent person in the world. No one is perfect, so of course you're always always always going to find some flaw or fault in the person you love, whether you're just dating or have been married for 30 years.
It also seems to me that you're defining commitment as something that ends love. The way I see it, commitment and the titles of "bf/gf" and "spouse" let the world know that you love and are loved specifically by this one person. To me, marriage isn't something that should chain you down but should help each other grow, both individually and as a couple, to the point where at the end of several decades of marriage you love each other more than when you first started dating.
It's been said and there have been studies that the "obsessed with each other/desperately in love" phase of a relationship usually doesn't last much more than 2 or 3 years. After that, loving becomes a choice, not just some happy feeling or something that just happens to you. This is something I think every couple needs to consider before getting married.
So I guess to answer your question, no, I don't think people can stay "in love" forever but I do believe they can love each other forever.
i love it. <3
@DiamondRuby@xanga - not everyone dates to get married. so might not apply to you, but applies to those who don't.
@fromlusttolove@xanga - which is why I said "If it's not for you, then I see your logic"
I hear what you are saying, I've probably had some of the same thoughts before. Something new I have to add to this topic is that your view on relationships really depends on whether or not you want to have kids with a man. If you don't want marriage or kids, then I absolutely agree with what you are saying.
The only reason I ever think "ahead" in my relationships, is simply because - hey I'm not getting any younger. I will be turning 30 this year and I do want to have kids, oh say.. in the next 5 years for sure! So.. it actually forces me to think ahead a little bit before all my eggs dry up...LOL ..
So, obviously, along the lines of kids is that KIDS are forever. You want a stable relationship that you can count on. You don't want to be on your own someday and trying to go it alone, and all the mess that comes with seperating. Your kids are yours FOREVER. You want the best for them, which means that 2 parents would be better than one. And you want them to see that love can work, and love can last, and that families can and do stat together because they love eachother.
I think what you're aluding to is the "in love" feeling of butterflies and excitement. But true love endures, way beyond when all that excitement fades. Love is calming someone down when they're upset, helping them when they're sick, being around them everyday and getting sick of them, even getting into fights w/ eachother, but still finding a way to work through them. That's true love, not just the excitement of someone you are getting to know, and then you get bored and move on to the next.
Just what I have learned in my 20's :)
@shakeit4you@xanga - Agree!!! So much!
I thought this post was going to be about how not to lose faith after repeated heartbreak, which is a post I'd like to see written, but oh well. haha.
Labels or whatever are important because they show commitment. If you're constantly living in the moment, trials are less likely to be endured and breaking up is much easier to do than if you're truly thinking about a future. However, worrying too much about the future is bad too. I would recommend worrying about the immediate future, that which you can work towards in the present. The more dreams you have with one person, the harder it is to just throw in the towel when times get tough. Even outside of relationships, it is true. My two best friends hate thinking about the future because we don't know where we're going to end up, but I promise we'll make real plans next year when it is a decision we can make. My fwb, who stayed with me for two years, still can't forget the future he planned with me two years ago because he's thought about it and emotionally committed himself to it.
@vicdaily@xanga - labels (and more generally, words) don't show commitment. actions do.
I don't know why but that guy's left ankle/leg looks freakishly small.
Relationships are all about commitment and willingness to work on things. You can't make it 50 years in a relationship if you aren't willing to work on things. That person who you stick with is the person who agrees to work on everything just as hard as you will. Someone who will understand that ego needs to come second to making things work.
The second you start looking for faults, that's all you'll see in a person. You'll completely gloss over all the good that's in them. All the happy, awesome things that they do will disappear, even if it just happened an hour ago. You're looking for and expecting perfection. Nobody will ever be perfect. Ever. Once you realize that, you can actually be happy. I know I am. Sometimes it's hard, but you've just got to keep working.
thanks, i needed this.
If you allow yourself to live in the moment, reject unhappy relationships, and rejoice in loving relationships, you'll never stop falling in love.
thats so truee!!
Live in the moment, because it's all that's guaranteed to any of us.
wow that was amazingly written. "...but when your partner stops being the one whom you love and instead becomes only your husband or wife, I feel that the relationship is lost." That line was feraking amazing. Thank you!
@DiamondRuby@xanga - I see exactly what you're saying. The relationship has so much more depth when you have been married for 20 years as apposed to jumping from one relationship to the next. If you know that the guy isn't going to be someone you would want to marry then don't date him. Otherwise you're setting yourself up for failure. I would much rather have a healthy relationship that lasts into the future than date for the moment. People forget that if you don't live NOW with the future in mind, the future may never be bright. Then what would you live for once you reach a bleak future? Keep living for the now and you've basically given up on having a healthy long term relationship. If you don't think about the future you WILL go from relationship to relationship and give yourself heartache again and again. Plus, let's redefine LOVE. Love isn't a feeling but a union. It's about to people becoming one. Instead of taking away the sacredness of marriage we should realize how special it is and treat it with respect.
Excellent advice. The power of NOW is the only thing that gets me through a lot of days with my man.
awww =)
I was just thinking about this and loved that it you blogged about it, I like the comments on this too. So helpful <3
i loved this!!! it is exacty what i needed to read!
As much as I hate change, you're right! :)
Great post. I have always lived in the moment, and never let 'questions' get in the way. Putting a label on somebody, like 'husband materiel', only puts pressure on both, causing unnecessary expectations.