Monday, 14 February 2011
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Should My Boyfriend Tell Me Where He's Going and Doing?
M called me at about 9:30 last night, our first communication of the day. I had texted him earlier, at 6:00, to ask him how his day was. Normally, I wouldn't be pissed, even though I know he has his phone on him at all times. He told me he was just leaving a friends' (or friend's.. not really sure) house. He said he was helping them move. He was talking really fast and I pointed it out that he seemed pretty jacked up; he said they gave him pizza and soda. I asked him if I knew these friends and he said no, that they were friends from "before me". Uh.. we just started dating, aren't all your friends from before me?
Anyway, I was a little irked because he didn't exactly tell me who these friends were. He used the general "they" to talk about them briefly, and didn't seem to want to talk about it too much. He has introduced me to a lot of his friends, but I haven't met these friends. I asked if I would meet them and he said "Uhh.. if you want to". As weird as that response was, I think he is a very truthful person. He has been very honest with me about his past and his current issues. He wouldn't ask me to be his girlfriend a week ago if he didn't want to be with me. I am constantly telling others that have insecurities to just think "he's with ME, not her". Why can't I just stop worrying?
I really don't want to be the girlfriend who is constantly questioning her boyfriend on his whereabouts and who he's with. My last boyfriend was overly concerned with who I was hanging out with. He had major trust issues, and that led to me resenting him for not trusting me. Now, M is very trusting. He has let me know that he never gets jealous. It makes me feel a little bit of pressure though, because I can get jealous. If he is hanging out with a girl (which I suspect was the case last night), and isn't letting me know, I think there's reason to get a little weary. Maybe he thinks he doesn't need to tell me, because when we first started dating, I told him I was a pretty trusting person.
Basically, I will trust him to do whatever he wants, I just want him to tell me what he's doing.
Do I have a right to get pissed when he doesn't tell me what's going on, and do I even have the right to ask him? How do I get him to tell me who he's with without sounding like I'm questioning him? How much freedom should you/do you have in a committed relationship?
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About the Author
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- From: KickDrumHeart
- About Me: I'm 23. I watch football and wedding shows. I drink beer and shop way too much. I am stubborn, caring, and realistic.
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Comments (72)
ask him but don't get pissed about it. maybe you're a bit too trusting and maybe you're overreacting, but still.
it depends on the couple. my SO and i are very open about what we're up to any time of the day. if he pulled something like that, i'd be super suspicious because it's completely out of character.
Well considering you guys just started going out of course you're not going to know what he usual does or who he usually hangs around. And I know when you gotta help someone move shit, you're busy for awhile with that so you don't need any distractions. He was probably just trying to get onto doing the task but you kept poking him for answers. He at least gave you general answers anyway. Just leave it at that and when you talk to him next ask him about it then if it really means that much to you.
By the way by telling him you're a trusting person, when it's clearly something you at least have a BIT of an issue with, you just gave yourself a huge responsibility. I'm with a guy that is like yours, he just does not get jealous. In the beginning I did have some trust issues because of past relationships. But I had to be honest with him on that and not just say that I felt perfectly fine with him hanging out with other girls and not telling me. It was my own issue to deal with and since then I've made an effort to trust him more and not let my past get in the way of future relationships. Now as long as I just know generally where he is and who he is with, I am fine. Specifics are nice but not needed. You just gotta be honest with him and I'm sure he'll compromise with you on that until you have the confidence to not worry so much.
If he wasn't giving you a straight answer then I'd probably be a little upset. It's like who is "them"? A couple of guys? An ex?
As for me, I would question my bf if he started saying that he was hanging out or helping some people just because when he goes out (which isn't very often) or does something with other people, he always tells me who he's out with and where he's going, and I definitely do the same.
Valentine's Day,a romanticday
You've been dating for a week, what has happened in that time to make you not trust him? in my opinion trust should always be given until a valid reason for not extending that trust presents itself.
It is way too early in the relationship to expect to have your bf check in with you and let you know everything he is doing, if he wanted to tell you. When he said he was helping friends you didn't know, the better response would have been "have fun with your friends and hopefully I can meet them someday". That way it is heard more of as an attempt to get to know him better (you'll get to meet them, and it won't sound like you want to approve his actions. Otherwise the way you wrote it reads to me, your bf thought his girlfriend is upset he was being a good friend, and that his new gf wants to approve his actions and that isn't a good thing and not what you intended.
Also, I get asked to help friends move all the time, and a lot of the time they are women.
I'm the same way. If he is giving you shady answers, I don't think its unreasonable to think something is up. If he was helping a few male friends move, he should have no trouble telling you that.
I have issues when my boyfriend doesn't tell me that he is hanging out with some of his female friends and I find out about it later. Just tell me, "hey, I'm hanging out with Sarah tonight," and I'm cool. But when I have to find out about it from others...not cool. Maybe that's irrational, I don't know.
I just think its a sign of respect to tell your partner what you are up to. Not every single moment, but at least be up front with it.
eh I just realized myself that when I started dating my ex, at the VERY beginning, he hung out with a lot of girls and he never told me. and I didn't really wonder much. and when I started to notice they were girls, I didn't even really feel upset until I found out that sometimes he was alone with one girl he had liked at the same time as me, before we got together
But my point is, until it was something specific like my situation, I didn't feel too uneasy about him not telling me who exactly he was hanging out with because he had never given me a reason to not trust him. So I feel like you shouldn't feel TOO freaked just yet, though it's natural to feel a little strange after the way he sounded. Sounds like he caused the awkwardness....
Later on I became SUPER jealous of my ex hanging out with girls and we both ended up not hanging out with the opposite sex most of the time, in an agreement to make each other happy. I think that ended up being too limiting, but that was only because of things we did to make each other not trust. Enjoy the relationship while it's still fresh!
it seems like he told you where he was and not believing him is the problem, not him not telling you. but in general, i think he should give you a general idea about where he'll be. not that he needs to tell you exactly where he is all the time, that's just controlling.
When boys ask us out. They sign their life over! Hehe just kidding. Hey, we are free to feel whatever we feel, we can't help it! But we have to remember not to over react first, ask questions and discuss our feelings in a calm matter.
But he sounded fishy last night! If he ain't talking, means he knows he's doing something he shouldn't be!
Trust should not necessarily be given right away. People I think need to gain your trust. Giving people trust automatically is where all these problems start. I mean that's why people are getting their hearts broken. Sheesh, I mean you have to be more careful with your feelings you put out there. And with this question. Guys withholding information like they're hanging out with a girl is pretty wrong. I mean it depends on how early you are into the relationship because guys know when its serious with a girl that they should tell them who they're hanging out with and what they're doing. Some guys do have a sense of respect for the women that they decide to date. Otherwise they wouldn't ask you out...am I right? It shouldn't be a matter of you having to ask when you get into a serious relationship. Guys should want to tell you who they're with just in case something might happen. Like with my significant other, I have everyone of his friends and coworkers numbers just in case he forgets his phone and calls me from theirs or he uses my phone to call them. I mean it honestly depends on how deep into the relationship you are. But, suspicious behavior like that is usually uncalled for. I mean guys only do it when they're in the wrong...right? Some guys also try to assume they shouldn't tell you cause they "know" how you'll react which is total bullshit. You never know until you ask or try. I hate that shit guys do. Guys aren't gonna act strange and suspicious for no reason. I mean some guys are really good at hiding their lies. Others suck and make themselves look guilty. And they might eventually fess up. But there lies the problem. Guys who eventually fess up must have done something really wrong to feel that guilty. This is usually where you lose any trust you had in the person....or doubt ever trusting them. With this new guy you're talking about, just maybe ask him if there was something he wanted to tell you about that night or day. Or if he's ok because he was acting a little strange. And if he did something wrong he should fess up (:
This is a very fine line. Because when is "knowing" become too much or too controling ? There are no easy answers here. Its all about how a couple feels about one another. If there are trust issues, maybe its you or maybe your partner is being a bit suspicious and you have a right to be. I say if you love your partner truly and really no one is hiding anything then, these matters of trust never pop their ugly faces within a relationship.
I wouldn't get worried about it. If he was really helping them move, sounding jacked up & out of breath is pretty normal for when you're lifting heavy things. I say just let it go; if he helps more friends move & it's happening more & more often, i'd be worried, but it's a little soon to freak out.
No reason to get worked up...if you start to feel like you're getting annoyed that they're not telling you anything, you can just bring it up later and say that you're curious. I think guys sometimes don't really want to have a phone conversation and say everything that's going on while they're in the middle of hanging out and/or doing stuff with friends... it would feel a little naggy if I were the guy and my girlfriend asks questions like "Who are they? Do I know them? Will I meet them?" while I'm out...save those questions for later when you guys see each other or have a dedicated conversation.
I would get a little mad, like why does he had to be secretive and not say any names? If he knows you trust him he could just tell you who he's with and not beat around the bush by just saying "they" or "you haven't met them" like .. ok??
Ordinarily, I'd say calm down. But, his behavior does sound a little odd. If you're honestly concerned about his safety and the influence of these "friends," then I don't think you should be afraid to ask him at all. Also, if you honestly suspect he could be cheating, then you should also ask him.
But, if you're just jealous he didn't answer the way you wanted him to, then I think you need to chill out.
@lilblucherrygrl@xanga - Yes, I told him I was trusting.. but that was assuming that communication would be open. If it happens again, I will say something, but this time I've let it slide. Thanks for the feedback!
@chakram54@xanga - Yeah, I guess we haven't been dating long enough for me to know how much freedom he really needs. If it really starts to happen a lot and I feel something's up, I will ask him about it. Thanks for the comment!
@xsimplepleasuresx@xanga - Well, we've really been "dating" for 3 months. As far as my reaction, I didn't get upset with him. After I asked if I could meet them, I dropped it. I think he could tell I was a little bothered though. And to answer your question, he hasn't done anything for me to not trust him, but I don't think that means that I should let something go if it's really bothering me. A week later, I've gotten over this incident, but if it happens more often, I will definitely have to say something.
@magswags@xanga - I think it's a sign of respect also. I would be perfectly fine with him hanging out with whoever; what bothered me was that he was so vague and told me afterwards.
@CluelessHeart@xanga - I've been in relationships where we both stopped hanging out with friends, and I really don't want to do that again. Friend time is very important when you're dating. If only all relationships could stay so fresh! I am trying to be a little more relaxed on things like this, since we are so new :)
@dude_this_world_sux@xanga - Well, technically he didn't tell me where he was. And he didn't give me enough detail for me not to believe him. I don't want to be a controlling girlfriend; I just want him to be comfortable telling me anything. I like to tell him what friends I'm hanging out with, because I want him to meet all of them eventually. I just found it odd that he didn't feel that way about these particular friend(s).
@SeXyJaMeRz@xanga - Yeah, I do think it was strange the way he was acting. But he can usually tell when something is bothering me, and though I didn't really say anything, I think he could tell I was a bothered. I'm going to see if he takes a hint, and if he does it again, I will definitely have to question him. You're right, he did choose to be in a relationship with me, so he should respect me and ease my mind when I'm worried.
@a_drunken_cellist@xanga - Understandable. However, he called me on his way home and we were on the phone for an hour after he got home. I'm trying not to get worked up about it, I know that if it becomes an occurrence, it will have to be dealt with. For now, I'm going to let him get comfortable telling me things. :)
Only being in the relationship for a week, I would say not to worry about it. Even if he has friends that are girls, it doesn't matter - like you said, he asked you out. He wants to be with you!
My fiancé has always been the type to go into a lot of detail when it comes to his day..So I usually know who all he hung out with and what they did. Sometimes a little too much detail, I would say - things I honestly don't care that much about lol but I'm glad he tells me everything. I'm the same with him.
I'm lucky that he only hangs out with guys..Or else it probably would bother me too unless I was there. I don't really know any advice to give. I think a week is too early to start expecting him to tell you every little detail. I'm sure as time goes on and yous get closer, it will just come naturally. But it doesn't really matter what people tell you on here, honestly. Different issues my fiancé and I have had over the years - I come to find it doesn't matter what anyone tells you. If something is going to bother you, it's just going to bother you. You need to discuss it with him if it's really that big of an issue. Maybe he'll tell you more and reassure you that you have no reason to be worried.
Good luck!
don't be upset about it, like you said you just started dating. you need to be more relaxed right now - whether or not you want to be. even if you will or would tell him every aspect of your day or your plans, doesn't mean he will right off the bat. you can just ask him, but don't let yourself seem irritated or antsy for the answer. in time he'll just tell you everything you need to know because he'll know your questions and concerns so you personally wouldn't have to worry about it.
i've been with me SO for 4 years, we don't tell each other our days completely, but if one of us asks the answers are there without a problem or hesitation. even without asking questions we tell each other everything - but we don't get on each others case about it. we learned the hard way that we can't be overprotected or jealous of what's going on with each others lives when we aren't around, but we always have stories to tell each other... which personally i love hearing what happen and how it happened after instead of knowing it right then and there via text or phone call.
If he didn't think there was something wrong why didn't he say who they were even if they were girls and you didn't know them? I'd see that as pretty shifty.
Am I the only one who is unsurprised at the answers he gave? He DID tell you what he was doing- he was at a friend's house who you don't know, but can meet if you want to.
It would be weird if you asked what he was doing and he refused to tell you, or if you were married and you didn't know what he was doing. But I see nothing wrong with the scene you described.
@lilblucherrygrl@xanga - I've got a boyfriend like that. At first it infuriated me that nothing would make him jealous, while I was still so insecure from my past heartbreaks. Now, however, he has taught me to get over my insecurity and just trust him, and I admire and respect him for helping me get to that place.
OP: While I DO think your boyfriend should let you know what's up, you mentioned that you just started dating. I think it's still appropriate for him to hang out without you, or not give you intricate details or introduce you to every single friend. If he's a decent guy, all this information and these introductions will happen naturally and slowly. If you guys get more serious, he'll likely just start volunteering info about his daily happenings. :)
Don't make him feel like you're his keeper, when that's not what most men want (young especially). I know a lot of this dialogue is just in your head, but my advice is to keep it there and try to get over it, because he won't understand (and won't like it) if you start acting all paranoid just because he won't give you a full account of his activities.
He sounded jacked up? I don't get what you mean? Like fucked up? there's different types of fucked up, none of which 'pizza and soda' could be used as an excuse for. You need to get to the bottom of this, I'm kinda thinking there was no 'friends' since he didn't atleast shoot out a name. He might have some other habits that he's not telling you about, and you're only gonna find out later when it's too late to up and leave easily. Take it from someone who's been there, good luck.
Did he seem a little shady? Yes.
Is it something you should worry and obsess over? No.
In a relationship, you both should be open and honest with each other. You should be able to talk about your days without being secretive.
The only time I get pissed about my boyfriend hanging with friends and not talking to me is when he dosen't at least let me know what's going on. A simple text of "Hey can't talk right now, with friends" and reassurance that you're not forgotten like "..but I will call you later on," is always helpful too. I never assume a situation is shady UNLESS my boyfriend doesn't offer for me to meet the people he's hanging out with if I would ask. This is basically all your judgement, if you feel neglected then you should be able to let him know, that's what a relationship is about :)