I have recently begun something like a friendship with my ex-boyfriend. We had a sorted relationship and even more sorted break-up (the results, I guess, of breaking up not because you aren't in love anymore, but because things aren't working).
While I try to keep things amicable, I do point out that he does have to earn his way back into my life, and deep down, I know that I don't really trust him at all. And further, I'm not sure that I can ever learn to trust him again.
It's not as though I don't want to trust him. I would love to, it would bring me immense peace of mind. However, the fact is, that I trusted him completely and opened up to him in a way that I never had with anyone else, and he betrayed me.
While I can forgive most of what he has done, I don't think that I will ever be able to truly give him a clean slate of total trust that I did when we first got together.
And I think this is true for most people. While we either learn to forgive or forget what others have done to us, and time heals the wounds, there's always some scar tissue left. Nothing is ever truly the same. As Beyonce and Lady Gaga put it in their music video for Telephone,
"Trust is like a mirror, you can fix it if it's broken, but you can still see a crack in that motherfucking reflection."
Do you think that it is possible to trust someone fully after they have betrayed you?
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Comments (88)
The thing is... I never actually SLEPT with any of them... so...
I honestly think in most cases that is the dividing line... If you've had an intimate relationship with them, then it can be kind of awkward, especially for the "new" boyfriend/girlfriend/sexpartner/husband/wife whatever.
I think it can be done, but don't get too close. Be amicable, don't be calling to talk for hours, let him have LARGE amounts of space. etc...
PS... I'm wondering if you meant SORDID
@Winsa@xanga - HAH me too... I was all... sorted? What's that mean?...
It's definitely possible. But I think it depends on the circumstances. I completely trust my ex because I know why he broke up with me and why it was a good idea at the time. If he comes back or we become friends (hopefully not the latter) I won't hold any of his mistakes against him. I know I'm rare because most girls will hold the break-up against the guy for the remainder of the new relationship, but if I'm serious about having a life-long relationship with him, it must have a strong foundation of trust and love.
I don't understand what you mean by "sorted"-- that's an odd adjective.
If you feel like your friendship is valuable, I would suggest taking more time away from each other so that you may forgive completely. Or just don't be friends because friendship is also based off of trust. It sounds like you're still in pain and need more time to heal. I haven't had a conversation with my ex in nearly six months. I love him more than ever and stopped being mad at him a long time ago.
I don't think it's possible. As much as you say you can or want to, the thought will always be in the back of your mind and it'll only take an argument or a disagreement to bring it back up again. Hell, I don't think anyone should remain friends with an ex but that's a different story.
Sorted? Do you mean sordid, maybe?
Depends on how intimate the relationship was and how deep the betrayal was. For me its too damn hard.
Nope. My ex and I hurt each other too badly to ever to be friends again. I know and understand that the relationship had to end. We tried to be friends afterward, but we ended up hating each other even more. Maybe some people can pull off being friends with their ex's. I guess it also depends on why it ended. But I can't.
yea it's possible... but most of the times that doesn't really works out ok it's not like the movies unfortunately.~
it just depends on the both of you. Some people can't and others can ect ect
Depends on how deep the betrayal ran and how intimate the relationship was. I have an ex who I dated briefly, never had any real feelings for, and had a mutual break up with who I talk to every so often and hang out with occasionally when we're in the same town. I have another ex who I dated for a very long time, had deep feelings for, and had a rather hard break up with who I talk to randomly and have a strange relationship with to this day, even though we've been broken up for a while. I have another ex who I dated for a decent amount of time, had feelings for, and had a horrible break up with who I would never associate with ever again.
There are a lot of factors that play into the dynamics of a relationship-to-friendship. There are a lot of factors that play into trust. At the end of the day, you can only do as much as your emotions and logic are willing to let you do. Try to force them to do too much and you'll only end up unhappy, wary, and questioning everything.
i think it is possible depending on how the relationship ended and how intimate you two were, on a personal note me and my ex hurt each other but hes taking more extreme than i am and being friends is out of the question for him. it needs to be mutual and you both need to be on the same page about the situation and be willing to start a new friendship with no strings attached...which i believe is rare but anything is possible.
you don't really need to trust someone fully in order to be friends though *shrug*
I'm still friends with my ex-fiance. Of course, I didn't really have a choice. We have the same hobbies and the same circle of friends. The only way I could avoid being friends with her would be to start over with a completely new life, and that would be giving her too much control over me.
However, I wouldn't have a problem being friends with her anyway. We were friends for years before we started dating, and I still enjoy hanging out with her from time to time. In spite of that, I wouldn't say that I trust her. I'm not fond of the way she treats people, and I don't feel like I could confide in her. The biggest mistake I made was putting too much trust in her in the first place. We'll probably always be friends, but the friendship won't be more than casual.
It can happen. I have three exes who I'm still close to, and I talk to all of them at least weekly. Hell, a couple of them are friends with each other! The friendships certainly didn't happen overnight though. In each case, we needed to spend some time apart to realize that we just would never work as a couple. It probably helped that I was pretty good friends with all of them before we started dating though, and we share more or less the same circle of friends. I see no reason to shut them out of my life.
i'm friends with all of my exes.
It all depends on what happened. Some exes, I'm still friends with, some I'm only cordial with. Some I hope get hit by buses.
I think it depends on the circumstance in which you 2 parted ways and how in depth the relationship was. Perhaps one can still be friends if both parties fell out of love or they were just casual relationships. And maybe it wouldn't be a good idea to be friends if the relationship ended as a result of cheating, abuse or other serious matters. In the case of people separating due to the financial troubles, you might be able to work things out but honestly if 2 people cannot make things work because money's tight, then the relationship was not built on a sturdy foundation and you might consider questioning yourself if that is a place you want to put yourself in again. For the most part, I would say it won't be a bad idea to be cordial with the ex-boyfriend/husband but to keep your distance.
I'm friends with all of my exes, but one. It just so happens that the one I'm not friends with is the one that I loved and saw myself settling down with. Therefore, when he broke my trust, it hurt more than any other breakup I'd gone through. I haven't spoken/seen him since the event happened. Trust me, when someone you care about so much hurts you so badly and leaves you broken, the only way to heal is to spend some time apart. When the wounds are still fresh, talking to him will only reopen them and hurt you more.
Okay. If you're having a friendly relationship with that guy, he did NOT have to "earn his way back into your life". So you should stop fooling yourself with that.
Why do you feel the need to be friends with him? That's just a useless piece of bull fed to us by pop culture- that we should try to be friends with people even though they've hurt and betrayed us. If it was a painless breakup, that would be different. But obviously it was sordid. Just let the dude go, he's not helping you any, and I guarantee he is not overly concerned about earning his way back in... except maybe back into your pants.
Don't be stupid. Do what's best for you. Don't worry about his feelings, he didn't worry too much about yours. And realize that a person's actions say more about them than what comes out of their mouth.
I had a bad break up last October, exactly what you went through! Confided my all in him, trusted him and believed him and I too was betrayed, Whats worse is he just pretended I didn't exist at all after that. I was devastated. Then In December he tried to contact me with texts which I ignored which was difficult because I wanted answers. But I stood my ground and he has since given up now. I could never be friends with him again, he hurt me and treated me like crap after it, I didn't deserve that. I can honestly say I don't like him, I don't like what he became. I couldn't be friends with someone I don't respect and trust. This post really brought it back for me and I'm glad still I got rid of that ass!
Honestly, forgiving him is easy(well easier) compared to trying to be friends. I don't know if I'd be comfortable with him being around when he's just my friend, when we had potential to be so much more. I guess the way I see it, we had the potential to be a couple back then and we'll still have it now, so I can't just be friends, not good friends, if at all. Oh and I had the same kind of break up, "it's just not working"
I still miss the guy, but it might just hurt me more to have to be around him all the time while I try not feel angry for the fact that he's put me in this position(just friends). The rest of the stuff that went down when we were still dating is behind me.
I've tried very hard to maintain friendships with several of the women I've dated over the past so many years but it has gone rather poorly for me. There are also those I chose not to speak to again but none of these were women I had known well before we started dating which seems to have a lot to do with it.
In the end I think it depends on the people involved, the depth of the relationship and the circumstances surrounding the break-up. If you couldn't get along dating, you probably won't get along as friends but if you can both be level-headed about it I don't see why not.
If the relationship was serious, then no I can't maintain any sort of friendship with my ex.
If my relationship was like a fling or some chill relationship, well keep it chill and have fun with your ex, who cares if he's your ex right?
In my case, NO.
After being betrayed, no. But from a clean break up, yes, exes can be friends.