Monday, 31 January 2011
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Confession: I'm Taking a Sex Hiatus
Some of you may have seen my post from around September called "Confessions of a Now Not-Virgin." Well, now I bring you this chapter in my life.
In my last post I expressed how jumbled my emotions were. How much I was thinking about the whole situation...and possibly even having doubts to whether or not I was even ready for that next step in my relationship. The first week of January I brough a proposal to my boyfriend. One that took a lot of thought, and courage on my part, to present.
"I don't want to have sex anymore...or at least not this year."
The reason I was so afraid to say this is because I was so worried that he'd be angry with me. I have tried so hard to be a much better girlfriend to him than his crazy exes, and I know that with-holding sex from your boyfriend is pretty much one of the worst things you can do. [And one of our friends has this girlfriend who uses sex against him, and will take it away if she doesn't get what she wants sometimes!] I didn't want to be one of "those girlfriends", but I felt like my decision was legit. I want to enjoy engaging in physical activities with my boyfriend...and the guilt and pressure and emotional torrents I was feeling was preventing that. This is how the conversation went:
"I don't want to have sex anymore...or at least not this year."
"Okay. Can I ask why?"
"I just...wasn't ready for it."
"Well I wish you would've said this sooner. It's been since like, what, September?"
*End of conversation*We've talked about it a little since then...but I can't really remember anything other than he ended it with, "I don't want to talk about this anymore." He says that we can wait as long as I need to...but I know that he feels negatively about the situation. And I hate that. And now I'm facing the guilt of taking something that he enjoys away from him, even if I think it's best.
Have you ever taken a deliberate break from sex, Lovelies?
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- From: ashley_wth@xanga
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- About Me: My name is Ashley. I'm addicted to blog sites and social networking. I'm a photographer, and currently attending college in pursuit of a Commercial Photography degree. Welcome to my world.
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Comments (64)
I must say, when you give up sex for someone and then take it away, it's going to be difficult for the other person to be on board with, especially if he doesn't feel the same way, so him acting negatively towards the situation is something he can't help. However, with that said, if you don't feel like you're ready to have sex again and feel like it's best to wait, he should respect your decision and understand where you're coming from. If he really cares about you, he'll wait but don't keep him waiting too long because he's a man and as selfish as this sounds, he has needs as well.
I've never had sex; however, I just want to say that if he really loves you, he'll understand and be okay with it. I would also use caution...make sure he's still satisfied sexually because he may end up being tempted more easily. I've been the other girl before and it was because his gf stopped having sex with him and he really needed that physical stuff. When we were discussing whether he'd cheat on me if we got together (we never did), he said no because he felt that I would satisfy his physical needs. So for some guys, possibly your guy, it could be an important factor. So be careful and communicate openly.
Also, I think it is more difficult to "go backwards" instead of forwards in a physical relationship. It's why thinking carefully at each step of the way is crucial. But like I said, if he's right for you and truly loves you, it won't make a difference.
you shouldn't feel guilty if it's best for you, but if you're not in the same place the relationship might end up not working for either of you. if you'll feel guilt and he'll feel resentment, it might up end being worse for both of you. just make sure he knows that it isn't about him and that it's not that you're not physically attracted to him or anything.
I think you made a good decision.
No, taking away sex is not one of the worst things you can do. Withholding sex to manipulate your boyfriend is, but deciding to take a break because sex is negatively affecting you, is doing both you and your boyfriend a favor. Smart girl. ;)
I had the same problems you did, with my last boyfriend, and I tried the same thing. He agreed with me that if I wasn't ready, we shouldn't keep doing it, and then he kept right on anyway- because apparently sex was more important to him than me. That's why he's my ex now. If your boyfriend really cares about you (which he does, judging from his response), then he'll be understanding about it. Looks like you've got a good guy.
just being 100% honest. He may love you, but he won't be able to keep up with no sex for a year, it may end up with him being unfaithful. When you're in a relationship and you guys have had sex before... it's not easy to take it away and then once YOU are ready.. to say "hey, okay let's have sex again." I just don't think it's fair :/ Sorry.
I believe that everyone has a different approach to sex and love. My approach is that I don't think I can go a year without having sex in a relationship on the basis that I find sexual chemistry to be just as important as personality connections and attraction in general. Then again, I don't believe in having sex immediately into a relationship either. You need to make sure that your decision is not selfish and will not ultimately hurt anyone in the long run, because you may be right, he probably does see it negatively. Do what you need to do, but remember that love isn't one-sided and he may not always agree with your decisions. The sooner you sort everything out, the better it will be.
The worse your attitude is about the situation, the worse his attitude will be about it. People who are close to one another do feed off of each other's emotions, so the more negativity you both express towards each other about sex, the more your relationship will suffer. I'm not suggesting that you put up a facade of acting happy, but that the two of you might benefit from doing stuff together, and even separately, that will ease the stress, tension, and feelings of unhappiness/negativity you're both going through.
Although keeping sex out of the relationship is important to you, you're also going to have to reflect on what that means for the rest of the physical contact in your relationship. If there's no vaginal intercourse, does that mean just certain types of physical stimulation (aka things usually relegated to foreplay like mutual masturbation or oral sex) are allowed? Does it mean that he might get physical release but not you? Or will with mean that you've back-tracked all the way to just kissing, hand-holding, and maybe the occasional foray into "forbidden" territory if things get just heated enough? Yep, even though you had that one uncomfortable talk with him, you're going to have a bunch more if you want to keep your relationship going.
I don't remember your post, so I don't really know why you're having the reaction you are to having sex for the first time. I don't really think that you should feel guilty for talking to him about something you're obviously extremely uncomfortable with, therefore, I don't really see this as a withholding sort of situation. You're not doing this to punish him; it seems more like you're doing this to punish yourself for doing something you weren't ready for. In any case, I'm only speculating, so don't take offense if you happen to read this, OP.
Anyway, I took an unintentional break from sex in a relationship once, because I was on a new medication and it made my libido extremely low. Needless to say, the relationship struggled because my boyfriend thought I was deliberately withholding sex from him despite all the conversations I had with him about my medications and I was increasingly less attracted to him because he continually tried to force the issue on me. As far as deliberate breaks go, never had one and I don't think I'd particularly enjoy it.
Man...I would say that it's okay to do this..but since you already started having sex with him it'll be hard for him to deal with the loss of it. Like the above comments say, it may lead to him cheating on you to get what he is lacking. My suggestion is if he's not okay with it, find another guy who is into a relationship without the sex (there are guys out there like that).
Honestly, at least a guy's perspective those words sound like the Kiss of Death for any relationship. You need to calmly and rationally think about what your saying you can't just say "I don't want to have sex anymore...or at least not this year", especially if you ALREADY SLEPT WITH HIM. You have no idea what your going to be feeling like a few months from now, let alone a year. Do you have any idea how ominous, what you said, sounds?
My apologies for jumping down your throat but I'm trying to drive home the point of thinking things through and not letting yourself become run by emotions. What I suggest you do is calmly talk through the issues your having with your boyfriend, don't jump to drastic measures such as cutting him off. I understand your worried about the relationship not lasting but this isn't going to help, AT ALL. People change, sometimes drastically, between the ages of 18 and 23, and there's college life as well. You honestly can't expect things to be the same a few years down the road or if you'll be with him. But I can promise you that this is going to end things quicker, sex can be nerve wracking but it's also one of the most intimate experiences two people can share.
I would suggest talking to him in person and explain that what's going on with you and the issues and worries that you have. Something along the lines of "Honey, I'm sorry that I took such drastic measures before, it's that I'm so worried about.......lately" and continue from there.
Anyways, hope everything works out!
I think his reaction is completely understandable. You slept with him, and then said "Oh, actually, I don't want to have sex with you for a year". I honestly don't think that's fair. I think this is going to cause a lot of problems unless you decide to nip it in the bud straight away and talk to him about it properly.
He should be supportive. His reaction should really make you think twice about your relationship. I've done that before (actually multiple times) and my boyfriend (now ex) was very supportive of my decision. Our conversation kind of went like this:
Me: Hey I think we should take a break from sex.
Him: Alright. Why?
Me: *Explanation...not ready...meaningful...too soon...etc*
Him: Then we're not having sex again until you're ready! And I help hold you to your decision. :)
No negativity. That's how it SHOULD have happened with your guy. He should only care about your emotional well being, and not have any negative feelings about it. And if he DOES have negative feelings about it, he shouldn't let you see them because it only works to manipulate you.
I too and not having sex this year :(
I'm taking a break this month. Not that me and my boyfriend have sex frequently at all, but I'm taking a month off from my birth control, so I'm not taking any chances. Haha.
You might as well just give up making sandwiches and felatio, and save him from having to make up an excuse to leave you.
I stopped having sex with an ex before, though I didn't explain why or tell her I was doing it. So all of a sudden I just stopped having sex with her and it caused a lot of problems. I couldn't really figure out why I wanted to stop back then or else I mighta said something. Telling them straight up is probably the best idea.
I feel your bf's side though, if you've been doing something you're not comfortable with for that long it's going to make him feel crappy like he's been using you or pressuring you into something that you really didn't want and that's gonna make him feel bad. Not that it's your fault, and I'm sure he doesn't blame you, just that it's a crappy spot to be in. He seems cool, and so it should be fine. I wouldn't bring it up much anymore at least not until you are ready and prepped to start up again.
I haven't read any of your entries besides this one, but it sounds like you got some deep-seated issues. Perhaps you need to talk to a shrink or something.
Hell, if I ever decided to do something like that my bf would understand and support me. After all, he just wants me to be happy. There's nothing wrong with what you're doing. It's not like you're hanging it over his head or something and using it to make something happen. I guess, you're like me. You don't say something because you don't want to seem unhappy. You want your SO happy. It happens.
But I think you honestly need to sit down and talk to him.
I don't necessarily agree with any of the commenters, but it would be good just to seriously talk about it to him and explain yourself. Maybe there are other options to be done? I don't know. Just talk to him more deeply on it. And if he really loves you, then he won't leave you even if you don't give him sex. And I'd have to agree with @AnonymousBlonde@xanga -
@AnonymousBlonde@xanga -@Hinase@xanga - Agreed.
Oh man......how to put this.
Relationships in general aren't based off of just sex obviously but, we're all human. If your uncomfortable with it I think you should go talk to someone about it.
I am now. Haven't had sex in over a year and am going to keep it that way until I get married. I'm doing it for me.. If a guy doesn't like it than he can get over it and move on to someone else who will satisfy him. I've got to much going on right now to worry about sex...
I don't get your reason. You had sex before so why stop now?
In my last relationship we tried more than once to stop... ha it never stayed that way though. I
@squiggs_02@xanga - hey me too! I just hope this means finding a guy won't be incredibly hard...
Don't take this the wrong way. But with the info you have given, your bf doesn't sound that caring towards you. I would think if he really loved you this would be no problem, I get that he isn't pushing it. but he isn't going out of his way to reassure you either....
I mean you aren't really withholding sex... its not a punishment. Its you stating your needs, and in a relationship that is critical, and he should appreciate that. But realize I do not know him personally.
Oh trust me, I'm in the almost exact situation. I'm a nympho in a sense because I absolutely love sex, but for me I am not one of those people who can have sex and it have no emotional toll on me. I get attached to my partner and in my last relationship it tore me apart that I was actually with someone then gave that part away and in the end it caused me nothing but ridiculous amounts of pain. Though me and my current bf have never slept together, we have talked about sex a lot though because we are both sexual creatures, and he told me that he would be willing to wait as long as I wanted to wait, which for me isn't just a year I'm trying to be celibate till I get married. He told me it was fine, and he doesn't love me any less, but once I made him promise me that there were no going back, that there would be no occasional sex.
I can definitely understand though why he would be upset or why you would feel guilty or even why you don't want to have sex because of emotions. Just keep your chin up and don't let him guilt you into anything you are not ready for.
A lot of the comments seem to either suggest that your bf is being not supportive enough and he should if he loved you... but i think you could have at least talked about the decision of not having sex for at least for a while than to just decide on your own.
When you decided to have sex, it took BOTh of your emotions and actions afterwards to make it happen. And now when you decide to stay off the sexpot, you just decide on your own? like he has no saying in it because it concerns YOUR emotions? Have you thought about what he's feeling? If you two have been having sex regularly since September and you only bring this up as an issue NOW after much thought I'm sure, but by your own thoughts alone, to decide that you no longer want to partake in the activity, he's going to feel like you're trying to up him one in a powerplay or unfair assessment of HIM in general.
If you were feeling torn from several guilty feelings after having sex, why didn't you say something to him before? Did you pretend that everything was great and you were having fun but deep inside were tormented about the act itself? I dont know, don't want to be attacking you, but I think you should have brought this issue up to discuss with your bf to START with than to deliberate a decision and announce it to him as if he has no right to suggest anything else than agree with you.