Thursday, 13 January 2011
-
Confessions of a 21-year-old Male Virgin
It's something that I used to be pretty embarrassed about, but I've gradually come to be more comfortable with it. As you can imagine, being a college student puts me into many situations in which talk of sex and dating is very common. I'm currently a senior in college, soon to be graduating and (hopefully) going to grad school so I can get a career in a very competitive field that I'm very excited to be involved with. At this point in my life, I am very happy about this, but one thing I can't help feeling bad about is that I have never dated, and I predict that I am probably going to finish college without ever having done so.Let's be honest, folks: the whole world of sex and dating is a really fun topic, and that's why everyone talks about it. Otherwise there wouldn't be blogs like this one that get fifty-something comments every day. Hearing about it all the time puts a lot of pressure on the people of our generation, especially guys. Some might disagree, but I feel like there is so much more pressure on guys to get out there and get laid than there is on girls. Having never gotten there or having anything to really contribute to these conversations makes me feel pretty bad sometimes. Friends tell me all the time that it's nothing to be ashamed of, and some even say that I should be proud of it. I try hard to listen to them, but that frustration from never having gotten anywhere can't just go away from that. I get pretty tired of just hearing about it all the time. Being a virgin doesn't stop me from being a guy, and along with that, I have the sex drive of one. It is so annoying that I never get to satisfy this with anything other than my hand.
In general, though, I have really mixed feelings about being a virgin. The kind of relationship I have always really wanted to have is definitely not the kind that one always finds in high school or in college. Friends tell me all the time that I am very lucky to have avoided all the drama of high school dating, and after hearing many stories, maybe they have a point. If I were to have a relationship, I would certainly hope that it would be a good one. Reading these Datingish blogs is a guilty pleasure I've had for the last year or so, and I like to think I've learned a lot of useful information about sex and dating in advance of actually doing the stuff. Also, I've always been a sucker for the idea of getting it perfectly right the first time, whenever it happens. Even so, it feels like I've been waiting forever to find the right girl for me, and every time I try, it ends up with her either not liking me back or choosing another guy instead. It takes a ton of courage for me to ask most of the time, and having never gotten a "yes" answer makes me pretty frustrated. I get so sick and tired of waiting and keep asking myself, "what's wrong with me?", "what am I doing wrong?", "what is it that girls don't like about me?", and all that stuff, and I keep trying to listen to my friends, who try to assure me that there's nothing wrong with me, but just that I haven't found the right person yet and someday I will. That's comforting the first few times you hear it, but after about a thousand more times and consistent failure with girls, it becomes more annoying every time I hear it. I kind of wish it would just happen instead of constantly hearing that it eventually will. "Eventually" can be a very long time, you know. I really hope I get to enjoy sex while I'm young and it's still fun.
My high school and college years were definitely not altogether an "unhappy" time for me, but I always had wished I could find a girlfriend. There were three girls I really liked in high school and one in college, but with none of whom I ever actually got anywhere. Sure, I'll admit that I have had a history of being socially awkward, and I'm gradually coming to be more aware of myself. I'm not sure if that really was the main reason, but I am sure it had something to do with it. I always felt like I had scared girls off and then felt guilty for making them uncomfortable. If some girls could know what it's like to be in the position of the "strange" guy, maybe they'd be a little more sympathetic. I had some social skills to learn, but I feel like I've come a long way since then, especially in the last two years, and It's getting very frustrating that I've still never gotten anywhere. Also, I don't see it happening any time soon. Right now would probably not be a very good time for me to start a relationship, either, since I'm just about to graduate from college and leave.
It all feels like it's being put off longer and longer, and sometimes I feel like I'll be single forever. It's agonizing sometimes, but I have friends who have helped me to feel better about it a great deal. They've told me how much they like me for who I am, and if they can, then obviously it's possible. I just always wish I could have someone to hold and be intimate with in that special way. Sure, "it'll eventually happen", but I get pretty tired of waiting.
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: mantiXcore@xanga
- About Me: I'm Sam. Take it or leave it.
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 1 8 Views: 1232 41171 Comments: 16 375 View all posts by mantiXcore@xanga
Comments (123)
Start talking to girls, lots of girls, get to know fat ones, skinny
ones, pretty, ugly, psychotic, quiet, all different types of girls.
Women dont really care if your socially awkward just be confident, no
one is going to sympathize with you that you have never gotten laid but
are desperate to do so. No girl wants to be with a guy like that, would
you want to be with a girl that has felt sorry for herself all her life?
Stop feeling sorry for yourself, and start hanging out with girls. You
have to put yourself out there, get out of your bubble, quit blogging
about it and actually put yourself in situations where you encounter
women. You think reading blogs about dating will help? Trust me
experience is the best teacher and when you experience encounters with
woman you will learn to be comfortable around them. Obviously your not a
virgin by choice, so your not okay with being a virgin. You also dont
have a positive outlook because you've never had any success. Though you
will have to fail alot in the beginning to have any chance at success
with women. So start failing alot, get rejected by woman, get friend
zoned, be a jerk accidentally, or intentionally but the important thing
is you are in contact with women in your life.
Being a virgin doesnt stop you from being a man, its not being able to talk to girls that stops you.
Say positive statements about yourself, and believe that what you say will come true.
I don't understand this culture that says you have to sex so early..and the stigma of being a virgin into your later years. I've dated guys that have been virgins. Sex really isn't everything..and honestly, you can get sex but a relationship and love are very hard to come by.
Don't worry. You're still very young and have your whole life ahead of you. I'd focus on yourself..and if others are not liking your choices, then don't worry about them. Don't rush into something you don't want. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 20 when I know girls my age are marrying and having kids already or even younger. It's different for everyone. Yes, college is full of that..but there are a lot more fun things than just dating and sex.
And I found the best advice is not to go looking for a relationship, and just put yourself out there meeting new people. I'm sure that you will find someone. You're still so young, and you have all the time in the world to do those things. Don't get tied down too early.
@Hinase@xanga - Took the words right out of my mouth!
I don't get why people are so obsessed with sex these days. There is much more to a relationship then that. So what you haven't had a relationship yet? She just hasn't come along yet. Once you get out of the "poor me ive never had a gf and ive never had sex" stage and add some confidence i'm sure you'll have girls lining up to date you.
Dude, it's not the end of the world; there is nothing wrong with being virgin (even to the age of 40). Don't let that get into you as a person.
@Kboi@xanga - Your advice here is spectacular. ...I wish somebody'd given me similar about ten years ago, when I was first entering HS. (I had to basically just learn myself, which kept me from even having a serious gf until I was 19.) Anyhow, I hope the OP sees it and has the brains to listen to it, because if I could "rec" your comment, I would.
This is EXACTLY ME, but in girl form. Not kidding. I completely empathize with you.
Well I'm a virgin at 20, going to be 21 in another six months or so, but it's by choice. However, I haven't had much luck in the dating arena either. I understand your frustrations about outside pressures and it does seem like you really don't want to be in this situation. However, I think deep down you might prefer to be in this situation than in an alternative one where you've been damaged from failed relationships into which you poured a lot of effort.
My father met my mom after he was already working. I believe he was 33 when they married, shortly after they started dating. She was the only woman he ever dated and, like you said, he got it right on the first try.
I know it's super frustrating to keep getting rejected. I hate it a lot. I know there's nothing wrong with me, although I went through a long period when I just had terrible self-esteem because of it. My ex (who was 22 and then turned 23) put everything into perspective for me, however. He expressed great regret about not waiting to have sex until he met someone as special as me. Hearing him say that made me understand better how feelings change over time. When I once thought I was in love at 16, I now know I was never in true love until my most recent ex. So...it's much better to wait and have no regrets. If you are a person who wants to take dating seriously, as a precursor to marriage, you can definitely afford to take your time.
An interesting discussion...and yes, maybe what you want isn't to be found in high school or college. As funny as it sounds, have you tried dating someone a little older, or a little out of the ordinary? Just a thought.
Trust me, you are NOT the only one. After reading this and the comments, I am almost-to-a-T in the exact same situation you find youself in: I am 21 and I've never even shared a kiss with a girl, let alone going any further than that, but it bewilders me when I hear talk of some of my sister's friends (she is 13) that have already "done the deed." But trust me, I know your pain exactly: it's frustrating, it sucks...but at this point I've come to accept that you can't find "the right one" until you find all "the wrong ones." There's a difference between love and lust, a relationship and a one-night stand, and I'd take commitment and something that lasts over a sleazy night with a girl that I barely knew anyday.
I have had deep feelings for 7 different girls over the course of my life so far, 6 in high school and 1 in college, so far (I'm currently a junior). The results of each of those attempts to tell them how I felt about them came out to essentially the same two different answers: "no," or "it's not going to work out" (I know they basically mean the same thing...but hey when you get an answer other than "no" it's exciting, isn't it?). And like you, each and every single one of those rejections broke my heart, broke it again, and broke it down even more. Feeling like that sucks and I'll admit I've had thoughts and gone to places that I wish I hadn't, and thought things I wish I hadn't ever thunk.I've gotten the "you're so amazing" and "oh you're wonderful" comments after-the-fact as well...but, at least take solice that even if you don't end up with the girl that you like, you can at least take comfort in the fact that you'll at least be someone that she can come back to when she needs it most, when all the douchebags and assholes that she went to instead of you mistreat her and she realizes what she missed out on. THEN, you'll know what's important =) I'm 21, never been kissed, never had a relationship, never got to experience that "wonderful" (even if that term is a little questionable at times...) world of dating...at least not yet. And I know it sucks waiting, I hate it just as much. But when that moment comes, whenever it comes...it'll all be worth it. At least that's what I'm told and what I'M waiting for =) So...don't give up. From one hopeless optimist, to another.
I know the feeling...except from the female point of view...and from being at the end of my grad school years--25. Which feels even worse to say. Hang in there...bitterness won't get us anywhere either.
nah its just cause youre fat. sorry but its true. try dating someone else who is overweight and youll have better luck and connection with them. or try an asian who won't fight back.
I never dated anyone until I was 26. Quite honestly, I know a lot of people in situations similar to this, so while it's not common, I don't think it's that unusual. The best advice that I can give is don't stop trying. Rejection is hard to handle, but if you make an effort to find someone, you're more likely to meet someone who likes you for who you are. If you give up, it becomes a lot harder to get back into the dating scene.
I'm pretty sure we are soul mates!!! Ha ha ha. Your story sounds exactly like mine.
confidence works wonders :]
I'd like to poke just a little something in this post. You can have good relationships in college.
I think you are bright and observant, but perhaps a little too romantic. What I mean by that is don't be surprised if not everything goes right in your first relationship. It typically doesn't. Which isn't to say you couldn't have a wonderful, perfect relationship. They're just rare.
You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders, and I commend your point of view.
There's nothing wrong with you! So what if your a late bloomer? I think its ridiculous how much stock people put into relationships and sex. So many people think that if their single there must be something wrong with you. Then you have the people that stay in a relationship regardless of how bad it is just because of this stigma. Its really sad and clearly screws people up. If people weren't so dependant on relationships, they would be much more comfortable in their own skin, and wouldn't make single people feel so bad for being single!
With that said, I think the reason you haven't found a girlfriend yet is because you lack confidence. You seem to have a low self esteem, you even said you believe you might be single forever. I bet your a great guy, and if more girls could see that I'm sure you would have no problem getting a girlfriend. I'm guessing you just don't let them, because you keep a barrier up in fear of getting rejected. Girls are people too. They are not better than you, so don't put them on a pedestal! Talk to them and treat them like you would anyone else. Next time you meet a girl, try to get to know her on a platonic level. Don't even let yourself develop an attraction for her, because then you'll just get nervous and not be able to let your gaurd down.
I hope this helps! Like I said before there is nothing wrong with never having been in a relationship at your age. It just seems like you are unhappy with your situation, so hopefully by becoming more content within yourself, you will gain the confidence to find the girl you were always looking for. Remember, you can't expect anyone to love you, if you don't already love yourself.
As a fellow college student who is a virgin, the fact that you're a virgin would actually put me at ease a bit, that you wouldn't have only sex on your mind (you might, haha, but I wouldn't assume you would). One thing I've noticed with guys who say that they like girls but it never gets anywhere, is that they often don't actually ASK the girl out! Even if she says no, it'll be fine! Sure, it's awkward for a while after between you two, but you'll both get over it soon enough.
If you're doing the asking, then just wait. Somebody will say yes!!!
dude you better get on this shit. the older you get, the more difficult it will become. the vast majority of girls don't want to have the "displeasure" of popping a guy's man cherry. funny this got posted today--a friend of mine just told me today she was dating a guy who told her he was a virgin, and she dumped him cause she didn't want to be his first. i think several people here already gave some really good advice.
@vicdaily@xanga - if you don't mind my asking, if your ex was your true love, how come you never had sex with him? do you not believe in premarital sex?
@jigglysnake@xanga - "or try an asian who won't fight back" LOL. funny coincidence, in that same conversation with that aforementioned girl, i mentioned that asians are the easiest girls to get with. she's asian, too--i wish i could describe the epiphany in her eyes when she realized it was true.
Dude, there isn't anything wrong with waiting. Eventually the right person will come along, and make you a happy fella.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - Yeah, I don't believe in premarital sex.
I agree there seems to be more pressure on guys, which makes me laugh when I think about the negative generalizations about males being obsessed with sex/looks, & how most women seem to hate those "facts".
I never went to college, & I too have never dated, so that Steve Carell movie (which I never saw) may soon have a title that describes me (in over a decade). I don't think that's a bad thing, though; I've seen/met many girls that interest me; It's their fault b/c they never reciprocated.
Author, i hope you would read this. I am 22, just graduated. it is probably the 1 year later in the future. I had been studying accounting for becoming Chartered Accountant. Just so you know how much work I have to put into in my varsity life. And I believe we are in the same situation. It is not one of those BA degree that you just relax and enjoy collage life kind of thing. I would say it is something worthy but taken way too much of my life.
We are almost the same, except I don't feel the way you do. I know I am worth it, and not to be showing off. I know there are a few girls that are interested. And yes, I also happen to like a girl in university, but I could not pursue because of my work at university.
I just think that I am a worthy person, and I do not have a relationship is by my choice and by fate. To be honest I really like this girl but there are just no choice at all that I can interact with her. I remember most of the time. I met her in the library, and when I am in the library, I am always studying for something big like test and exam. the last time I saw her is the day before I wrote my final exam.
I just cannot take the risk of failing my life at the time. And sadly I haven't seen her after I finished my exam. (now i still wander in the library for miracle)
Long story short, a good relationship can only come by fate, and when the time is right. I know I would certainly fail my degree if I am just starting off a relationship in my final year. If it is not meant to be, it is not.
There are no one judging you to make you feel bad. Therefore it is up to you to decide how to react to your own status. For me, I do feel a bit sad, but I know I am still very young and I will be meeting a lot more people when I am working.
My boyfriend will be 26 in May. We have been dating for about a year and he was a virgin (by choice) until me. He's had girlfriends and plenty of opportunities to get laid, but said that he never felt quite right. He never felt that any girl was special enough or that he wanted to share something so personal and intimate with any girl he knew. I on the other hand have slept with more guys than I probably should for my age. However, meeting my boyfriend was special for both of us.... for me it was knowing the guy I was with was so innocent and wouldn't hurt me because he was the one terrified of being hurt and giving up something special. For him it was finding a wonderful relationship with a girl who he loves, wants to and enjoys having sex with. We have both found our happy ending and I am grateful that we finally did. You will meet the person for you if you actively seek out people you are interested in, get to know one another and have a little faith that things will work if you want them to. Good luck !
People always told me that too, but then they'd go home to a boy/girlfriend, and it kinda diminishes their sympathies. I'd have to agree with the guy that says hurry up, because I'm in the same boat and some girls will say it's sweet and all that you saved yourself, but with time comes more pressure. Seems like you've made some strides anyway.
don't try. don't label.