Thursday, 13 January 2011
-
Broken Up... But Living Together With Our Baby
My boyfriend and I were dating only about three months when I became pregnant. From the moment we met it was more of a physical attraction, and we just had so much fun together. We drank a lot together, and before we even were officially dating, I was living with him. Once I found out I was pregnant, we both decided we wanted to have the baby, and even though we were unsure about wether we'd be together for the long run or not, we decided against abortion or adoption.
While I was pregnant I worked full-time, and he lost his job and took a couple of months "off" from looking for another one. We got in a lot of fights, and he finally found a job. The people he ended up working for was a small business and went weeks without paying him, which drained my savings. We went though a lot while I was pregnant, literally borrowing food from family. We even had to stay in a hotel shared by three other people. Needless to say, we were very stressed, and always down each other's throats.We soon found a small house before I had the baby. Although we fought a lot, we still had our good times, and we still love each other. He was there for me during the birth, and wants to be in his baby girl's life. She is now four months old, and we are still constantly fighting, but we still love each other, we are just very stubborn people, snd butt heads too much. I feel he's still a kid at 20, but at the same time, works hard now, and is doing great for someone his age with this kindof responsibility. He works fulltime and I'm a stay at home mom right now. We mostly fight about the baby now, I feel he doesnt spend enough time with her and doesnt help out enough with changings and feedings. Although I understand he's tired when he gets home, he doesnt seem willing sometimes to change even one diaper, I feel I need a break sometimes too. I take care of her 24/7, and he never has to get up with her in the middle of the night. I pick up after him, clean, do his laundry, take care of all appointments/doc. visits, and act as his persobal cab driver. We both decided we cant keep fighting, we either have to cut down on it or split up. It starts first thing in the morning, when it takes me over 20 minutes to get him to get up for work, and he'll start yelling at me, most of the time not making sense. I've told him, the first thing that happens as I wake up is to get yelled at, my day always starts out like crap no matter how good it was the night before.So, currently our six month lease ended on the house we were staying at, the house went up for sale, and we are now living in a hotel on the oceanfront since weekly rates are much cheaper during the winter. We pay week by week, and we're living paycheck to paycheck, often borrowing money from family. Neither of us wants to go live back at home, and we both want to make things work with each other, but both feel like it will never happen. I just want to be happy, I want my daughter to be raised by me and her father together under one roof. I want to be with the man I love, but not be miserable. So, I had an idea one day. We need a place soon, we both want to get a house or apartment. We don't know if were going to be a couple for much longer, but are considering moving into a 2br place, and if we break up, just be roommates until were both financially stable to get our own places. But you don't have to be a fortune teller to realize all the problems this can cause. We still love each other, so if separated, what if one of us tries to move on and start dating someone new while living under the same roof? What kind of mind games will we be playing then? How do you get over someone you have to see every day? So here's the question:Is it worth the emotional stress to live together after your broken up to benefit financially?
Editor's note: This post was submitted by email.
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
Comments (63)
Leave him and stay with your family for a while while you get back on your feet. It's going to be an ongoing cycle until he's ready to grow up fully and be a father and supportive boyfriend.. I know it sucks but you can't live out of a hotel forever, never knowing where your next meal or dollar will come from. You have a child now and that isn't the mature or responsible decision for raising her.
And living together broken up is definitely not a good choice! What happens when you break up and stop having sex, so he brings a random home to the next room? You think the fighting is bad now, wait til something like that happens. Or he loses his job again and can't make his 1/2 of the rent, sticking you with the entire thing? DON'T get yourself into this and then leave, for him eventually to be thrown out for not making rent and this ruining your rental history. Just go back with your parents, save up some money and eventually get a place for you and your daughter. I'm not saying break all ties with him completely, he is your kids father and that's not expected of you but stop letting him bring you down.
Moving back in with your parents or other family until you can get on your feet is a better option than living together broken up. That whole situation would get just too messed up, especially if one or both of you started dating someone else.
If you move in with family for a time, you can get your bearings and decide if you -really- want to be with him for the rest of your life. And hopefully it will give you both a chance to stabilize financially.
I don't understand what the problem is with moving back in with your parents/family. If there is no danger to the child and the family opens up their home to you, then what's stopping you? Pride? Pride is such a small matter in the long run. If possible, go live with some family until you can get on your feet. Who knows, it may even help your relationship and/or give you the space you need to decide in what capacity you want to deal with him.
"Is it worth the emotional stress to live together after your broken up to benefit financially? "
I think if you moved back home you'd get a greater benefit financially, emotionally and mentally.
what is best for the child? you need to figure out what is the most stable and best way to handle this situation. time to grow up. you have a kid. you're the adults. time to take you out and put the child in.
@drunkonbeale1@xanga - agreed
Sometimes it helps just to have some time apart every once in a while. Go stay with a friend for a few days and see how you feel.
@drunkonbeale1@xanga - Amen.
Or, if your family won't be there for you im sure you could stay with a friends for a whie, im sure they would understand. Just get out of the situation that you're in. Its going to cause major issues and that child does not deserve to be around all of this.
what a clusterfuck
If family is willing to give you food, I'm sure they are willing enough to share a roof. When there is a child involved, I think giving up some of your pride and taking care of your child is more important. I think the decision should be made to best fit your childs needs. Family is around for a reason, they aren't there just to get you to turn 18, they are there for your support. If you want to continue a relationship with him, its ok, as long as he isn't abusive towards you. But after living like a married couple for as long as you did, I don't think living together and singles would work out.
Anyways, it just seems like your looking at everything extremely negatively. Atleast, you have a man that is taking responsibility to earn money to feed your child and you (since your a stay at home mom.) I think you both need to look at the positives in your relationship, all you have been able to list to us is the negatives. So obviously we are prone to reply with negative comments. I think the best bet is to move in with family for a few months, and save some money on rent, and then move out either together or seperately, unless there is a danger to your lives going back home.
The first thing you need to do is realize that, though you keep telling yourself (or each other) that you still love one another, this is not love. It's just not. You two were irresponsible and made a child together, that's really not love either.
The second thing you need to do is realize that you can still fix your life. It sounds like this guy is very lazy and immature, and you're not being peachy to him either. PLEASE, BREAK UP. Try to be civil. Move in with your parents if you can. Try to get some free babysitting in exchange for chores or something, if one of your family members is willing. Go to work. Usually I think staying at home is the best option, but you're going to need money. Make sure you get child support from the father- go to court if you have to. Then get on your feet, budget tightly, be extremely grateful to whoever takes you in, and get your own place eventually. Don't rent a place together- that's just asking for disaster.
I think it's important for your child to have a stable place to live, definitely. I don't think the moving frequently thing will work or be healthy after your baby starts to get a bit older. I personally think the idea of living together but having seperate rooms would be great... you each have a place to go when fights pick up, to get time away from each other, however still both being close to your child and there if needed. From what you said, it sounds like the father is being more financially stable with jobs, so as long as you both can afford the place I think it's worth a shot. You should set some ground rules as far as "bringing home other people", because the main focus should be that it's all about the baby. You made this decision for the child, so no one else should be involved in that part of your life.
On the other hand, this all sounds very complicated for two people who are already at each others' throats. Maybe consider moving in with family until you have things figured out with each other? And possibly more money?
Wow, this kid is going to be so screwed up. I suggest that you dump him and not expect anything out of him. If you want to live together, fine, but don't date him any more. Don't fight. Just let whatever he does go.
If it doesn't work out, he'll owe you child support, and I'm betting that's what he's trying to avoid.
@X_no_one_like_my_lover_nick_X@xanga - Totally agree with you. The author needs to leave this guy
My advice? Break up. The relationship is unhealthy, anyways. Go back home. Apparently, you two can't afford to live on your own and care for the child. After that, figure something out until you can get back on your feet.
@UnconventionalButterfly@xanga - She seems like a smart girl so I'm sure she already knew that, I think she just was looking for reassurance or a glimmer of hope that maybe the living together thing will work.. the sh*t women put ourselves through. lol
Hm? This seems a little confusing. So you're not with him anymore? It seems like you are. Like someone else said, i don't think living with family would be too bad. If anyone will take you, it might be best to accept and just live with family for a while, instead of using the money you bust your butts for on hotel rent. It would be good for your baby too...
Usually there are understanding people in one's family, and even if they don't like your decisions they should still accept you, and even if not that, I would think they would want the best for your child.
At least until you get on your feet and can move on with your life...
If you love him I think you should think really hard about potentially staying with him or marrying him and trying to work on the relationship if you can. Maybe people will really disagree with me, but I think the person you love is all your business and no one's opinions should take him away from you if you deeply love him. And if you love each other I think you should try to come up with little things that could help the relationship and just start small. Just ask yourself if you really want to be with him and if so, go for it! =)
I'm seeing two things here. First off, the guy's clearly not right for you (hence the fighting, etc.). Yeah, every couple has the occasional fight, but not all or most of the time. It's probably time for both of you to move on, and living together isn't the answer. Second, are you even REALLY sticking around for the guy, or him for you? You seem to have your daughter in common, and it's great that you both want to support her, but he's not showing any real attention to you, and in your own words, you're a "stay-at-home mom," which, quite frankly, usually won't cut it in today's world, especially when he's probably not really making enough to support the two of you, let alone the three of you. So...if it's that hard...move back home. Stop being immature about it and recognize when you need to turn to family for a bit more help than a meal or two.
Seriously? Go back home. You're 20 years old, don't be so prideful as to refuse help. I think that you'll be more at ease that way. Living in a motel with a baby isn't exactly the kind of life you should be giving your daughter anyways. I'm sure your parents would love to see your daughter more too, and you could maybe get a part time job if your parents would be willing to watch her. You and your soon to be ex can agree on a sum of money he can give you monthly, and I would put it in writing and have him sign it so he can commit to this amount. I also think this space will help your relationship.....who knows, maybe you'll both realize that you need and WANT each other in your lives. Good luck!
Oooh, I'm 20 and I would break up with me
i wouldn't stay together, i would break up. that's just too much drama for me.
I'm glad your taking responsibility for your actions, but sometimes keeping and raising the baby is not the best solution. This is one of those examples. You guys couldn't even afford food or a decent place to live, so who's to say you won't fall into that situation again? You have a baby now, and babies are expensive. Its good you want to be an involved parent and be home with your baby, but it doesn't sound like you guys can afford to only live off one income. I know whats done is done, but its really ashame you didn't consider adoption. There's no question your babies life is going to be hard, because its being brought up in an unstable envirement. I'm sure you love your baby, but your not doing it any favors by raising it in this kind of dysfunction. You say you and your baby's dad's relationship was based mostly off of sexual attraction, but then towards the end say you guys love eachother- despite the fact that you have been fighting constantly. Your relationship is clearly an immature one, and as harsh as it sounds, the odds are definitely against you for it lasting.
Living together is not the answer, and will do your baby more damage than you two living apart. I also think that you want to continue living with your baby daddy so you can get out of working and avoid being a single mom. This arrangement is clearly self serving to you, not your child. Your a mother now, and need to start thinking about whats in your baby's best interest, rather than your own.
It depends on what kind of people you are and how quickly you each move on typically. And how you handle break-ups. I say why move in together, though, if you just know you'll end up splitting ways? Seriously. Only move in together if you can each make up your mind to seriously make an effort towards benefiting the other. That's the only way you can make this truly worthwhile for each other or for your child. Understood? Any questions, feel free to ask! :) I'd love to offer tips and help if you need it. Just let me know. *hugs*
Sincerely,
~*Akarui Mitsukai*~