Monday, 10 January 2011
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Women: Beware of Exploding Dildos
I'm serious. Never underestimate the wild imagination of bitter, middle-aged men after relationships turn sour. If you thought castration over the holidays for the sake of hanging human ornaments on a tree was creative, wait until you get a figurative load of what neutered men can no longer provide. A man from Waseca, Minnesota by the name of Terry Allen Lester (you can already tell by the name that he's trouble) decided it would be a fun endeavor to rig a dildo intended for an ex-girlfriend with explosives.The 37-year-old, for whatever reason, was staying over with his ex-lover and a friend until he was forced out by the landlord for sporting a highly offensive mullet. Okay, while that part may be questionable, he was indeed kicked out, and made mention of his intentions to a roommate. That was his big mistake, because it was later reported to the authorities, and some bags he left with his ex contained the toy in question. The "dilbombo" was found inside a package marked "Christmas Gifts" and the explosives were made to set off upon the pull of a trigger, thus bringing the woman to an explosive climax.
He didn't think to stop there, either. There was more material discovered, enough for two more explosive dildos to potentially bring back the fireworks that were so obviously missing in his past relationships. Forget one ex girlfriend, he wanted to take them all down. For a man who doesn't seem to be overly bombastic in his attempts to get closure on his past relationships, he sure knows how to rig up an interesting explosive. If the Austin Powers movies were based on real-life events, I wouldn't be surprised to see him working by Dr. Evil as a henchman of sorts. That penis-shaped rocket? The blueprints were stolen from Terry Allen Lester.
With people like Master Mullet over there running around scheming to make sex-bombs, how can you even ensure the safety of your own vagina? Well, one perfectly reasonable piece of advice is to reject sex toys as gifts from ex-boyfriends. If you have a feeling that he lacks mental stability, I highly suggest staying away from personalized gifts altogether. This is an interesting topic for me, because thinking about gifts of the non-extreme variety from past girlfriends, I don't believe I've ever received one post-relationship.
How do you handle an ex who insists on giving you gifts, even if the relationship ended on a note worse than Ashlee Simpson's live singing?
Does it depend on the gift you're receiving, or do you reject it no matter what it happens to be?I'm dying to know.
Sincerely,
Nuñez Love DoctorCertified with a PhD in Scrambled Eggs and Dilbombos.
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About the Author
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- From: AsylumBlue
- About Me: The musician in me is constantly dueling with my inner writer, trying to take its place. What I'm attempting to do is allow them to live harmoniously, but it seems that I'm a terrible peacemaker, because they haven't stopped bickering or flinging spit-balls at one another. I write political satire, short stories, poems and... actually, I can pretty much write about anything; I'm flexible (not physically, unfortunately). If I had to choose, it would be writing softcore romance novels full of seduction, extramarital affairs and incredibly specific details. I'm kidding about that last part, I think.
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Comments (71)
yep that's par on course for Minnesota
i would be a little wary if an ex gave me a dildo in the first place.
then again, explosives wouldn't really cross my mind...
this is fuuuuuuuu*ked up.
@godfatherofgreenbay@xanga - i was just gonna say that. jeez, this state...if it's stupid and can possibly happen in our universe, it will happen here first.
"How do you handle an ex who insists on giving you gifts, even if
the relationship ended on a note worse than Ashley Simpson's live
singing?"
Ahaha. Too funny.
I've never received gifts after a relationship, though I've had gifts given back. Quite a snub.
@complicatedlight@xanga - I used to drive through Waseca quite often on the Laura Ingalls Wilder Memorial Highway and then there's Kasota
That mullet is turning me on.
That's a horrifying thought (you know, to know someone as batshit crazy as him) but this was hilarious.
ohmygawd...exploding vagina ** cringe**
Oh wow... I had a marching band competition there my senior year. That is pretty odd of a thing to happen out here, although it was toward Iowa...
@Shadowcin@xanga - haha! yeah. iowa. don't EVEN go there.
"...one perfectly reasonable piece of advice is to reject sex toys as gifts from ex-boyfriends."
see now you're just showin' off.
I Live in MN and I haven't even heard of this... *sigh*
No one was hurt, it says. But I wonder what had happened if something did happen.
♫ sex bomb, sex bomb... ♫ probably not what tom jones had in mind. :D
Well. Creative, indeed.
Yeah, uh... pretty sure I wouldn't accept a gift from an ex. Unless it was like, "Oh, here, I happened to get this chocolate for Christmas - you know I don't eat chocolate, and you're pretty much a certifiable chocaholic." (I'm on good enough terms with an ex for that to be legit. We've remained friends and really have no desire to hurt each other, so.)
love the bit about ashlee simpson
hahaha
this shit is scary though!
@godfatherofgreenbay@xanga - @complicatedlight@xanga - Hahahaha I grew up in St. Peter, so I was right next to Kasota... that place is the ghetto. and I had to go through Waseca on occasion. Those would be the places that this kind of stuff would happen.
@Abbiegirl@xanga - Whaaat? I go to college in Washington, but grew up by Waseca (about 45 minutes away, in small town terms that's close :P ) and I heard about it. It's national news.
@bass_chick57@lovelyish - For a while I willingly spent Friday nights in Kasota playing poker at a bar with a guy who won millions on a televised contest. Some of the Kasota residents...man it was so surreal. I stopped going after a meth head in town shot at cops and cops returned fire and killed the guy but the people of Kasota protested it as excessive force.
I went to school in New Ulm. Do you remember the doll in the window in Janesville?
weeee, another idea to torment an ex. an imploding fleshlight!
I bet he bought the toy at Pure Pleasure in Mankato, an adult novelty store that advertises with a giant spray-painted tarp spread across a semi trailer.
O________o holyfrack that's terrible!
We are Sex Bob-omb....1,2,3!
I would be pretty apprehensive if someone gave me one of those penis push up tighty whities.
i almost just cried thinking about what would happen to my poor lady parts if an exploding dildo would come anywhere near it.
rofl @ ashley simpson reference.