My boyfriend of two years and I broke up several months ago. Despite my desire for a clean break he is insistent on maintaining a friendship, though making it clear that any emotional desire for me is gone.
I have more or less reluctantly agreed to this situation because we go to the same college, and because there were some positive parts to having him in my life.
That said, I have begun dating again, a very sweet guy. He loves and adores me, and seems to think the sun shines out of my ass; which according to Juno's dad, is the true mark of a soul mate.
However,
no matter how much I feel like I'm falling for my new guy, and that I'm over my ex, every time my ex upsets me again, I'm in tears. And anytime he decides to be nice it makes my day. I want to break the cycle I'm in and I want to just enjoy someone good to me but it's worse than trying to give up cigarettes.
I've heard the advice over and over to just forget about my ex, and appreciate a nice guy for a change, and the advice usually comes from myself. I just never listen. And the more I speak to other girls about this, the more I realize that I'm not an anomaly.
We girls sit here and complain all the time about how we can't find a nice enough guy, but we constantly push away so many nice guys in favor of those who don't treat us well at all. Why is it that we girls always allow the nice guy to finish last? Are we doomed to always like the nice guy, but go home to the douchebag??
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It's almost a new year so I see it as a clean slate. Hang in there.
I think most of the "bad" guys have to compensate their behavior with something, so they master the art of talking. Most men fall in love with their eyes, and most women fall in love with their ears. Most of the good guys don't really know much about "game" like the bad guys do. Bad guys can say all the right things to make a girl blind to the reality of who the guy really is.
Sometimes, girls get bad guys confused with tough guys. For example, they see that if they're "bad" they must be tough. And if they're tough, the girl feels safer. It's silly, but it happens all the time. It's like a false sense of security. Think about it: As a girl, would you feel safer with the mamas boy or with the renegade?
Learning to spot the nice guys and KEEP them is something learned through time. Trust me. Don't feel down, though. You can't recognize the good stuff if you don't know what the bad looks like. So when you're thinking "Why did I fall for him?" just tell yourself, "I don't regret it because being with someone like that makes me only appreciate the good guy that I deserve even more."
Sometimes you need to not allow an ex to be in your life at all if they upset you. Stop talking to them, stop being friends on facebook, stop blogging about him. Soon enough, he will stop affecting your emotions too.
I don't think that it's always a known that we're dating a jerk. My first boyfriend was really nice to me at first. But then as we started getting "comfortable" with each other he started showing his jerk side. And it was not even worth it.
My boyfriend now is literally from a fairytale. I'm never letting him go. Yea we have things we disagree on, but what couple doesn't? I love him to death (and I mean it, not like some people who say it and DON'T mean it) and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him? Too good to be true? maybe. But why would I let that get in the way of my relationship?
@ApplebottomsGrl18@xanga - Well said!
@xhalesx@revelife - The situation with your first boyfriend is the same with my ex. He used to be amazing, and I guess I still want the old guy.
I think its because most girls want that "bad boy turned good" thing. If you want my advice I would stop talking to the Ex all together. Delete him from everything. The emotional rollar coaster will just keep going on and on and It won't ever stop until you stop it (trust me i know from experience) You should listen to your friends.....
Just think of it this way. Don't let your ex rule your emotions. Don't give him the power to influence your day. You've met a great guy, who is patient with you and is giving you everything you wanted that your ex didn't. I've been in your place before, but trust me it isn't worth your time and feelings for an ex anymore. What's done is done and the only direction to take is forward. It's a bit difficult, but in time you'll get through it. Hello 2011 :)
THIS IS BECAUSE :
nice guys are either boring, creepy, unattractive, or some combination of what i just listed.
Sometimes I'm guilty of falling back for my ex, only to be reminded that we're not together for some reason.
I'm done playing nice guy with people. Most of the time, they take advantage of it and in the end, I get screwed over. Then again, I've given up pretty much on women and seeking a relationship. Nothing but complications and just a bid damn heartache.
You just have to accept that the guy is a jerk and he actually makes you feel bad because he doesn't know how to cope with his own shit, thusly taking it out on you.
and if you can't deal with having him be upset with you, don't put yourself through that just to maintain a friendship. Cut him out of your life completely!
@SupperMick@xanga - awesome.
Bad guys have charisma, are sweet talkers, confident, funny, leave ya wanting more. They're also unreliable, hurtful, and like to play the field. Nice guys are usually awkward, clingy, predictable, come off too strong, and lack a high self esteem. However, they are reliable and sweet and can make you feel safe. I think girls like bad boys so much because its exciting. Personally, for me, I find a guy much more attractive when he knows what he wants, goes after it, without being sucha pansy about it. Nice guys are usually shy about telling me they like me, approaching me, making the first moves.
I finally fell for a nice guy though, and I lucked out. He's not awkward, and although predictable, its nice to not worry about him canceling plans, him lying, or any of the other nonsense bad guys bring with them.
I think for me, personally, there needs to be some kind of balance, cause if not I'll either be bored or fucked around with.
oh! and if you're ever going to give this nice guy a chance, you have to cut the ex off entirely. Ex's being friends is overrated anyway, only leads to more heartache.
lol because you are forever under the misguided impression that, one: they are fixable, two: they wanna get fixed, three: worse comes to worse ya can beat the fix into them..
then ya invest a butt load of time before getting the inkling that, one: they truly aint worth the fix
and then true stubbornness takes hold because of time already invested and a certain unreasonableness about facing the facts that the only idiotic thing here was dating them in the very first place.
heh... wemons..lol ya gots to luv em..well.. hmm... beats luving a rock i guess..though rocks are quiet and if ya put em close enough to the fire to soak up heat then they can keep one warm through a cold winter night...
I usually write about nice guys and girls, but I think it needs to be settled now.
It's not true for all girls (or guys), but a lot of people seem to believe that drama is the exciting factor. A lot of the good guys and girls want stay away from drama and thus don't try to start anything or back off when they deem it appropriate to.
In your case, you would need to let go of the ex. There's nothing wrong with exes being friends, but once the ex starts to deliberately sabotage you or your relationship, you will need to question the friendship.
I just finished watching Jerry Springer and the one reason that the girls on the show say they would stay with a cheating guy or a jerk is because, well, they love them. And it could possibly be the blind love that is holding you to the bad guy or girl. We know that you will always love someone, but knowing when to let go is when you know to love yourself enough to know you deserve better.
It's not because nice guys are boring, unattractive, so and so as some commenters would say, because that accusation is false and shallow.
I've never understood this stereotype about women. I've never dated a single "jerk".
It's human psychology, read about it. Nice people give you exactly what you want. But that's the thing, you don't want it served to you on a silver platter.
i seem to think that all the guys in my life have amazing attributes.
You don't want a super nice guy or a jerk. Nice guys and jerks are equally as bad, really. What you do want is a man who has balance, and knows how to treat you right while still spicing things up and making life exciting without mistreating you. The problem is most men feel like they have to be one or the other, so finding a well-balanced man is definitely more difficult.
@LupusInvictus@xanga - Agreed
@AsylumBlue@mancouch - That's very true. I'm lucky to have found a guy like that..though I was surprised that he was really balanced. Sensitive yet tough and resolute when needed be. And he knows how to stick up for things he cares about.
it is hard to please a woman AND keep her. Not impossible, but hard.
I completely understand where you're coming from. It doesn't make sense to me either, but somebody once told me its our female instinct that feels like we can fix anything. We feel like we can show the jerk how to love and be a gentleman and when we accomplish that we will feel amazing for doing such a great deed. Not much work can be done on a perfectly, sweet guy so its easier to find the jerk, think you're better then him, and can teach him how to be better too. Its really stupid and I wish it was a cycle I could break too.
@oMeGaXmK2@xanga - I agree, its like you want to struggle or fight for what you want. It makes you feel more accomplished, like you deserve it.