Wednesday, 29 December 2010

• Names You Wouldn't Date

  
  Have you ever been turned off by another person's name? I've never been in that situation, but I know all too well that there are people out there who can't deal with certain names. One reason may be because it's the name of an ex-boyfriend or a sibling, while another reason could be that they flat-out find it to be ugly or ridiculous. Upon thinking about it, I've made a list of ugly, bitchy or odd names and what they make me think of.

  Boris (Male)

  Whenever I think of the name Boris, I'm reminded of a sweaty, obese man with a large mole protruding from his face, possibly sporting a long, single strand of hair. The folds of skin around his neck practically choke him to death, so it's hard to understand a single word coming out of his mouth. If I were a woman going on a blind date, I would avoid any "Boris" like vampires to sunlight. Also, for some reason, the name "Boris" reminds me of old, smelly Doritos chips stained across the fingers of a mouth-breathing slobhobbit.

  Ashleigh (Female)

  There's a lot that's wrong with this name. For one, people don't pronounce it using proper English. "Ashleigh" is most commonly pronounced as "Ash-LEE" instead of the proper "Ash-LAY" and it makes me want to do something drastic and daring, like combing my hair with a pink toothbrush, or sticking my middle finger in ominous looking holes. I think "leigh" is supposed to look like a more feminine version of "ley" or "lee", but I personally don't see a gender difference between the two. In any case, most names that end in "leigh" aren't pronounced correctly. I'm afraid of having drunken sex with an Ashleigh, and offending her while screaming out the proper English version of her name.

  Bertha (Female)

  One word: Whale. But a white trash whale that lives in the south, bathing in grease from the pounds of fried grits made for a family of twelve. Every single time I've heard the name "Bertha", it was noted that she was indeed "big" in appearance. There's nothing appealing to me about this name, and it might as well belong to a farm animal because it's baaahhhhddd.

  Nicole (Female)

  Every single Nicole I've known has had high-arching eyebrows and a face that's just screaming for sexual deviance. If not that, she looked like a plain'ol bitch. I have to be very careful around girls named "Nicole" as a result, because I'm convinced that they're all out to seduce me or cut off my man parts. Maybe both. Aside from this, they have also been attractive so take that as you will. I don't know if the trade-off is worth it.

  Charlie (Gender Neutral)

  Not Charles, but Charlie. It's bad enough when a man has to put up with the name, but a woman? Why? It's a predominantly male name, but there has been some gender disambiguation for a while now. I don't know, I can't help but get the image of a horse when it comes to this name. Whenever I think of horses, I inevitably end up thinking about Sarah Jessica Parker, and that's a scary thought. It doesn't help that a few of the women named "Charlie" that I've seen have sported horse teeth. On the positive side, this is a case where the "eigh" in "neigh" is pronounced properly.

  Jesus (Male)

  This name is mainly used in Spanish speaking countries, but outside of The Big Lebowski, I haven't seen anyone deserving of the name. What's even worse is when non-Spanish speaking people pronounce the name as "Hey-Zeus" instead of "Heh-Sues" because it sounds ridiculous and mixes Christianity with Greek mythology in the most horrible way possible. Usually every "Jesus" I've met has been a drunken Mexican or a drug lord. Putting myself in a pink dress and high heels again though, my nipples may get impossibly hard upon screaming out the name of a Biblical figure in bed. It's already common enough to reference God and Jesus in bed, so this would be icing on the Jesuscake.

  Cooper (Male)

  This reminds me of when I was younger and used to pronounce "Koopa" as "Cooper" in regards to the Super Mario Bros. games. This brings back memories of a princess repeatedly being in another castle, and gives me a complex since I begin feeling like less of a man as a result. The bitch may as well have been wearing a chastity belt. It also reminds me of Alice Cooper, which is enough to give me an inverted boner.

  Igor (Male)

  Does this even need an explanation? It's the name used for hunchback butlers to villains, and they usually have psychotic, creepy voices that would make any labia go sour-faced.

  La(insert random name here) (Female)

  Lakeisha, Latoya, Shyamalamadingdong. They're all ridiculous. It's a trend that adds the French "La" to the beginning of traditional names, thus fucking them up Labigtime. Each and every Lawhatever I've met has been a head twirling, finger-pointing, trash-talking hood rat with a penchant for bad hair weaves. Point me towards a Lawhatsherface with a good attitude, and I'll show you God.

  What are some names that you dislike?
  Have you ever avoided dating someone because of their name? If so, for what reason?
  Was it a sibling's name? An ex-boyfriend's name perhaps?

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