They say that insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.
Well, here's my moment of insanity: whenever I've been in a relationship, I feel incredibly insecure.The three significant relationships I've had (others were just boys I dated a few times or unrequited love on someone's end) ended horribly. I always thought I was prone to catastrophies.
Why do I keep meeting loser guys, I asked myself. Why do they all have to go and break my heart?
I tried to blame them because, frankly, it's easier when it's not my fault. And when relationships don't work out, it's usually because of both parties. But for me, I think why the three ended in a catastrophe was because of my insecurity.
Take my first love.
It was long distance (roughly 3,000 miles to be specific). At first I was just so shocked and happy that I fell in love at 16 to worry about anything. But the minute he told me he started to wonder if we were meant to last (And can you blame him? We were so young), I doubted everything.
I didn't believe that he loved me, no matter how many times he told me.
Even before that, I'd wonder about the last girl who broke his heart, or wondering if I'd ever be good enough for him. That resulted in 2007 being the worst New Years Eve of my life and my senior year ending in two broken hearts and losing someone I thought I'd marry.
Flash forward to 18. My first actual boyfriend (and he only lived close to an hour away. SWEET!). A month and a half into our relationship, I doubted whether he still liked me or not. This time, though, I kept it all inside. A year and a half later, it ends in tons of arguments and tears over the phone.
I never believed how much he cared until it was too late. Maybe if I'd believed it before we wouldn't be in this mess.
Right after my first boyfriend, I dated a guy in the summer (who ironically loved an hour the opposite direction of him). Give it two weeks and I began to doubt (mostly due to a friend telling me he was a player).
He tried to tell me I was the only one, but I couldn't believe it. Something that could've been awesome just disappeared as my life became a mess this semester.
I'm talking to someone right now about us possibly dating. He's 5,000 miles away. What do I see here?
1. I am doomed to long distance.
2. Holding in my worries hurts in the long run.
3. Doubting every little thing also hurts. Chill.
4. Unless you are happy with yourself, you will never be happy or feel complete with another person.
These insecurities rooted down to me.
I didn't think I was pretty. I didn't think I was special. I didn't think I was worthy. And it hurt me and the guy in the end.
I'm not finding jerky guys. I was insecure.I've come a long way from being insecure, but I still have some issues with that.
I've learned through these experiences that I shouldn't get involved in a relationship until I feel confident enough in myself. I kept believing it would be different each time, but with the same problem, no wonder they ended relatively the same. I think that when we feel content with ourselves, that we can not only find true love, but truly enjoy it as well.
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Comments (44)
STOP HAVING LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS. you need to stop getting into relationships and just get to know people. get to know yourself. and yeah, gain some confidence and self respect.
if your already unstable mentally, adding someone else to the equation never works. 'needing' a man is never good.
the fact that all of your relationships have been LD doesn't help. you should stick to local guys.
Advice - Next relationship you get into should NOT be long distance. It seems like that would work out for you much better.
Also, I like how you wrapped up with talking about being content with yourself. It is definitely true that in order to love and let love, you have to fully love yourself first.
You actually sound a bit like my sister. She's never had a boyfriend in town. Her current one is a 3 hour drive away and that is by far the closest one she has ever had. But, she constantly needs to have a hold of him to feel safe. She follows him a lot. Both physically and on the phone. What are you doing? And an hour later, what are you doing?
And if he doesn't answer her for awhile you can feel the tension build up inside her. I don't think she would be comfortable if she couldn't talk to him every day. (Or more than once a day.) It's always perfectly fine to talk every day, but a person should at least feel like they would be comfortable if they couldn't talk to someone for a period of time.
I just watched a movie last night "She's out of my league"
You should watch it!
Stop getting into relationships straight away.
Long distance is hard, and if you can't handle it, if it's not your thing, you need to own that now.
Second, when you feel insecure about something, talk to the guy about it! Look, this is very relatable for me. I've been hurt a lot in the past, so I kind of grew to expect the same. It took a long time for my current boyfriend to coax me into security. But when I did have problems (and when those feelings of self-worthlessness occasionally STILL create problems), we talk about it. Not me shouting accusations or bursting into tears, but a calm discussion.
You just need some time and a little bit of confidence, which you'll come by eventually, in the right scenario.
Losing that insecurity does have a lot to do with your own confidence, you are right. I purposely spent a few months between a few relationships single so I could learn how to be on my own and not rely on a guy to make me feel complete. I tried to be happy with myself, because someone told me "if you aren't happy with yourself, how can you make someone else happy?" and it's true. As far as being insecure when you are already in a relationship I found the best thing to do is pretend it's not there. It sounds stupid, but it works. Tell yourself every day that you are being irrational and that what your boy tells you is true. Eventually your brain takes over and starts believing it, and this makes the insecurity disappear. It will come back from time to time but if you are dedicated to believing it, and making relationships healthier, it will be easy to fight :)
One question, why long distance and not local? There has to be a reason why you choose long distance over local guys.
But anyways, I'm sure you're good enough, worthy enough, special enough, pretty enough, etc, you just gotta start believing it. And oh, anytime you become aware of a negative thought, change it into a positive.
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very good points!
in related news, it was found that insecure people are great flirts! http://www.glamour.com/sex-love-life/blogs/smitten/2010/12/this-just-in-insecure-people-a.html?mbid=twitter_glamourdotcom
i totally agree that insecurity is bad. (who wouldn't?) but i disagree that you should keep your insecurity out in the open. tell it to your friends all you want, but don't tell your boyfriend. once he thinks you're insecure, things will snowball into bigger problems. i never tell girls about my insecurities (even if they're just friends) for the same reason.
Distance doesn't have to be a problem. But EVERY relationship requires trust.
Sounds cheesy, but you've got to be secure in yourself before you can be secure in someone else.
@Nessie_the_lockness_monster@xanga - This times a million.
youre very right in that insecurities get in the way of relationships, but you should also be with someone who is willing to help you through your insecurities!
I think you are prone to long distance relationships because it gives a better reason to give and get attention from each other. I mean if the guy is local and you keep texting him about where he is at or whatever, he'll be like...don't worry, I live close by...whereas with a long distance guy, you have a better reason to worry and ask for reassurance. so when you tell him something like you miss him or whether or not he still likes you, it is because he lives far away and you barely get to see him. if it was a local guy, he would likely be annoyed and see it as needy if you constantly text him and he probably wouldn't see it as necessary to constantly tell you things to reassure you because he can easily go and see you. I'm insecure, too, and need lots of words of affirmation. this paragraph was basically implying myself
I agree with a lot of people. You should probably first try to find someone closer.
As for feeling insecure, I do know how it feels. I constantly felt like that with my ex. He never helped ease my insecurity and we eventually ended things (more with me not being happy). I do have my moments of insecurity with my current bf, but that's just how I am. There is one person that my bf constantly brings up and it bothers me a lot (even to the point to where I had to talk to him about my frustrations about this person). Luckily he comforted me, and in my mind, if my bf didn't like me then he wouldn't be with me. I trust him pretty much with my life and he does the same, so I think like that and my worries go away..for a while at least.
Take things for what they are and enjoy them and be positive. If someone genuinely says they enjoy spending tiem with you, just take that in and not think negatives things
No one is completely secure about everything in their lives.
Maybe you should take a little break. It sounds like you jump into relationships a lot. The best thing I ever did after my first (and only) nasty break up was stay single and I flirted, I dated, and I became comfortable with myself. Now I'm in a relationship and we've been together for 2 years and it's been amazing because of how comfortable we are with ourselves. It is also long distance so I feel you on how it can feel like the person doesn't care, but you just have to trust them or just don't get involved in long distance relationships. Maybe long distance relationships just aren't for you which isn't a bad thing.
Totally agree that it's near impossible to have a sucessful relationship when you're insecure...
Some advice for you: date a local!! Long distance relationships CAN work, but they're harder. Also, it seems like you jump into relationships from what you said. Try knowing a guy, being his friend, get to know him, then try dating him if you mesh. Good luck!Do NOT do long distance relationships, they rarely work out.
Long distance relationships I found, make people feel more insecure then they should.
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I agree that insecurity will ruin relationships. However, failing to address it when it's valid is just as bad. Not to mention never having a concern about your relationship will kill it, too.
Everything in moderation.
Insecurity is such a killer. It killed my last two relationships... I don't think I came across as insecure at first, but I took every change in action, or every little thing, to mean he didn't love me the same as he did at first, and I'd badger him about it... until he finally got tired of it, and his feelings really did change. Self-fulfilling prophecy... sigh...
Oh, and yeah... I kept thinking maybe he wasn't really over his ex 100%. He probably shouldn't have told me much about her, but sometimes he did, and knowing he did things for her he didn't do for me just made things worse even though he did a LOT for me. She was his first love, and they were together for over three years - he was going to propose to her before she broke his heart (I found that one out when he was drunk). Of course he said he'd never date her again after he DID see her again for the first time after their breakup, but it still bothered me...
I never thought I wasn't good enough... I just kept thinking that his feelings changed. It was awful.