We live in a world of efficiency, unwasted time, zooming from appointment to appointment. We are busy people!
For as long as dating has existed there have been two big problems in starting things up: going too fast and seeming needy, or going too slow and seeming uninterested. I have gotten myself in the bad habit of going too fast.
It all started with moving abroad and not having any friends. I started to go on dates with random people at least once a week (some from the net, some from random spots of reality, some friends of friends, etc). But then something terrible happened - I ended up getting so addicted to the idea of the weekly date that I would do anything to make sure I had one (but often even three or four in a week).
I became a serial dater (though nothing physical).
At first, I was going on dates with the same person for a month or so. But they were just dates and that's it: dinner, a drive to the mountains or ocean, going to see a play, things like that. Things were a very innocent kind of flirtation that went nowhere. He always made things sound possible, but whenever I gave him opportunities, he didn't take them. I started meeting other people here and there. Eventually, one person out of the blue asked us to become official. I asked long-term-dating-partner guy if we could talk about this all, hoping it would urge him in the right direction but he chickened out, wished me happiness with this other guy, and disappeared.
I ended up turning down the guy who asked me out (things just wouldn't work out) and I now have a new set of dates. One I met in a club and hooked up with the following week. I know for a fact he hasn't had a girlfriend or even a kiss for three years. Since the hook up we've been texting each other every few hours.
Well, just so happens in this country, Christmas is the most romantic holiday of the year (heaven forbid you would spend it with someone like your FAMILY) and everyone gets with everyone they never liked before for this one day, just so they don't spend it alone.
Logistically, if hook-up boy and I don't meet Christmas weekend, we won't be able to meet for a whole month after our hook up because of New Years and other things. I hint to him that I have no plans, and I know he doesn't either. If hook-up boy didn't like me to begin with, that'd be a different story, but I am surprised that any male has the patience to send me texts every couple of hours asking about banal things like what I do each day, so I figure we'd be a good X-mas makeshift date at least.
But nooooo he doesn't take the bait and is just like, "sighh yeah I'm spending another lonely Christmas clubbing with my friends, hope you don't get too lonely". Another date who I don't fancy very much asks me to do Xmas together and I semi-begrudgingly say yes.
Honestly I want to tell him straight up "yo, I don't have a lot of time or patience. Give me a definite answer of when we can hang out or I will stop giving you any priority on my list. You are not the only one in my life! And stop texting me if you're not interested!! Because I honestly am not a fan of texting!!" but of course that would kill things, and I sort of felt some magical chemistry with him both time I met him (which does not at all come through our texting).
Do people realize some of us don't just wait around for things to happen? Or that especially when you just meet someone, it's hard to keep thinking about them if the passion doesn't keep going? Or that relationships are only fun if they have some sort of growth to them? Especially as a student studying abroad, my time is limited, and one month means 1/5 of my remaining time here.
Just to clarify, if this all sounds harsh - if any guy I liked were to also clearly indicate his interest for me, I would focus on him in a heartbeat. I also don't lie to anyone about what's going on, I don't string guys along if I realize I'm not into them (X-mas guy I've only met twice, so I want to give things one more chance), and I make it clear when I'm interested.
Do you ever get frustrated when someone is too slow / too fast? Is there any way to communicate to someone to pick up the pace, or is there nothing you can do about it?
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Comments (29)
You can always be the one to address your interest in him and see where he goes from there. Sometimes, we just don't know and we don't want to move so fast that it would scare the girl off. GIve and take, if you are interested, don't be afraid to let the other person know.
It's interesting that he said "another lonely christmas..." That kind of sounds like he's fishing for an answer?
I think if you like him, you should ask if he wants to hang out Christmas, and let him know it's okay if he says no.
Why can't you let them know you're interested straight-up? I don't understand why it has to be the guys responsibility to make the effort all the time. If you want them to pick up the pace and make it official, TELL THEM WHAT YOU WANT. They might be worried about scaring you off if you don't say anything - some girls like taking things slowly, after all.
It actually seems to me that you like the attention - you'll agree to spend time with whoever asks you, because it means someone likes you enough to talk to you and to make the effort. No offence, but if you were truly interested in these days, you'd let them know. Guys don't do "signals" - you need to tell them straight up how you feel.
IF you want to tell the guy straight up, WHY DON"T YOU?!
You want him to speed it up, but you're still doing that head game thing...where instead of being straight and direct about what you want, you are expecting HIM to do the work and not you. The worst thing he would say, if you asked him "Want to go out with me instead of clubbing with your friends?" he could say no because he'd rather sweat it out in a stupid club. But he could also say yes, isn't that what you want??
deep inside, i think you're too scared to ask him, because you like the chase and the games. which is just horrid because if you REALLY liked him enough to WANT and HINT your plans, just suck it up and ASK.
I think i'd be the one taking it too slow
@kor_girl@xanga - agreed
I think you just need to relax. I really don't understand why you're trying to rush into things. Spending Christmas alone won't trigger the end of the world. You'll be fine. If you really want to know how he feels about you that badly then just ask.
@valeriebeth04@xanga - same here.
what is this
you're addicted to dating itself but don't actually really like the person, so that sucks for them. they are just an activity partner to the movies or restaurant, so you won't look silly going by yourself. maybe hookup boy already made plans for christmas and new year before he met you and his friends and family are more important than a girl that he barely knows and casually hooked up with, so he has his own priorities. he's interested in you, but waiting for his schedule to free up since the world doesn't revolve around you either
This is the 21st century, men and women are equals. Stop playing the head games, even if its unintentionally. As others have said the worst thing that happens is you ask him and decides to go out with his friends and family, and then you two meet up at a later date.
Or the other scenario is you continue to play the waiting game and he meets someone at the club on that night. Someone who is direct, upfront, and honest with him. Admittedly it's possible he's doing the same thing and your both just too scared.
Hope this helps, and Merry Christmas!
you shoulda just been like "well let me know if you want to chill or anything, it would be cool to see you" then the ball is in his court, you made a clear hint but you don't seem desperate or clingy.
@individually_surveys@xanga - ^this.
Stop being a pussy and tell the guy.I don't categorize the other person's behavior as too fast or slow, just not in synch with me. I take it for granted that they are moving the proper pace for them. It's a compatibility issue. If we never seem to be in step, it's a good sign that we should part ways, because it's probably going to be an ongoing issue.
However, at the start of a relationship, missed signals, insecurity, or inner turmoil can cause some stumbling and fumbling that can clear up when both people feel they know where the other person is. Most of the time we don't feel right about asking the other person how they feel, or declaring our own feelings till we are sure they are reciprocated. This stage of a relationship can be terribly frustrating or if it goes very fast, like grabbing onto a speeding freight train.
It's not really fair to blame the other person for not making their feelings clear if we haven't done so ourselves, so if the relationship matters, we might have to be the one to put ourselves out there emotionally. We run the risk of finding out they don't feel the same way, but on the other hand, it may move things along. If a couple stays too long in a holding pattern the fun starts to drain out of the relationship.
Personally..I noticed I went too fast with people I found out not being my cup of tea after a very short while...instead, with those who made me feel something very deep for I was way too slow and somehow forced them to do the first move (that somehow hints they were VERY interested)....
The whole time I was reading this entry I thought something sounded a little off, but I couldn't put my finger on it until I read, "Just to clarify, if this all sounds harsh - if any guy I liked were to also clearly indicate his interest for me, I would focus on him in a heartbeat."
You're desperate. You shouldn't be focusing on finding a man, you should focus on loving your (single) self.
Just a woman who is sick of waiting.
How about letting him know you like him enough to take a risk? It's easy, I've opened up and expressed my feelings to someone I felt attracted to. Even though she hasn't reciprocated yet, I feel relieved now that she knows that I like her. Obviously things can change if she waits too long...
It's really easy to tell a guy that you like him.
Rejection hurts. But you never got anywhere in life by standing and watching from the sidelines.
You have to jump in and tell him that you like him and want to spend time getting to know him better.
Men love women that know what they want; when they want it. All you have to do is tell them how you want it.
Well, if people aren't going fast enough for you... take some initiative and speed things up.. your significant other will most likely reciprocate if you show what you want more directly.
Also, if you want to slow things down, do the same thing. It's not too complicated. I think you're just making it complicated to be honest.
@saia1@xanga - I have to agree with you.
@individually_surveys@xanga - It's totally true. There is no "hint" or "signal" with a guy.
It's blunt; truth; honesty. There is nothing else. LOL
I do get frustrated when someone takes it too fast or too slow, depending on the guy. If he takes it too slow, I would ask him what's going on and if there is a chance for us to ever be gf/bf. If not, I move on. I don't wait around for a guy that says "I'm not ready for a relationship, but I want us to hang out to see where things will lead." I'm very verbal when it comes to the pace and finding out about each other's intentions.
Thanks for the advice guys, and I sort of apologize for writing this post because it was not anything extremely helpful or interesting - just me looking for advice. I was in some strange state of mind procrastinating sleep when I wrote this.
Actually, after we first met, I asked to hang out the following weekend and he was all like "wow I like a girl who takes the initiative!" After that, I asked to hang out again but he had plans so I told him straight up "okay then, you be the next to invite me out when you're free". So I didn't really want to break that and invite him for Christmas.
Unfortunately with these things, I don't like the person enough to do some big "I like you!" shedang, I just want the opportunity to hang out with these people more and learn about them instead of things fizzling out from my side because I don't have the patience to wait for their schedule to open up.
But anyways, I ended up having a nice Christmas weekend, whatever happens with this guy will happen, and happily ever after la dee da
I understand why you're annoyed with this situation. It seems to me, though, that he's waiting for you to make the first move. Casually let him know you're interested. You're not invested enough yet to have anything to lose. Chances are, he'll let you know he feels the same way ! Good luck.