Wednesday, 15 December 2010
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How to Get the Spark Back in a Long Term Relationship
I’m sure there once was a time when you could not get enough of your significant other. I mean, that’s why you started dating them in the first place right? There was something that drew you together. Over time things change, I’m sure you still love your significant other but the butterflies are no longer there, where did they go? Somewhere along the way you both were at a stage that you just became happy with, you were comfortable there. Maybe now, you’re too comfortable? Being too comfortable can become a little boring, same routine day in and day out. You do the same things, you go to the same places, and you may even say the same things to each other day after day. No wonder the thrill is gone!
There’s good news and bad news. The good news is that you can get the spark back! The bad news is you and your significant other will have to do some work to get there. But if you knew much about relationships, you would know that every relationship takes some work.
Here are some signs that your relationship has gotten a little, ahem, boring:
- You stop taking care of your appearance. (Come on ladies, we’ve probably all been guilty of this at one time or another. You used to make yourself gorgeous for your man, even if you were just hanging out at his place watching a movie. Now, you go there in sweats with no make-up and your hair pulled back. You know what I’m talking about!)
- You don’t care to listen to them or you find yourself tuning them out. (“I think that shirt was still on sale…” “It’s decided, I am going to go get that new handbag after work tomorrow.” – While the whole time, he is trying to explain to you that his day at work was not so great and he would just like to relax with YOU.)
- You no longer initiate romance. (Romance, shmomance… what even IS romance?)
- You no longer feel it is worth it to do unexpected, nice things for your significant other. (He doesn’t do it for you, so why should you do it for him? Maybe he stopped because YOU did.)
These are the most common ones that I can think of and I’m sure you can think of more that are unique to your dying relationship. If you want to feel those butterflies every time you see him or you want to get shivers whenever he kisses your neck, the both of you have to make a choice and actually want to do the work to get back to that place.
A great place to start, is to remember why you fell in love in the first place. What common goal do you have that creates a strong bond between you? Here are some simple suggestions to help you get the flame burning bright again:
- Hold hands, snuggle. Have some kind of physical touch and affection towards each other that doesn't involve sex. (That can come later…)
- Actually listen. (Without letting your mind wonder.)
- Do nice things without expecting ANYTHING in return. (Even if you don’t get a thank-you. Just because you didn’t get a thank-you doesn’t mean that your significant other is not appreciative, some don’t voice those things as much as others.)
The main thing to remember is that you both have to take responsibility and initiative and it also takes time, it doesn't happen overnight and you won't magically be all better. But, by thinking of your significant other first before yourself, you’ll show them just how much you really care. If you miss the intense passion you once had as a couple then do something about it instead of moping around! Have a conversation with your significant other; they may not even know that you have been feeling this way!
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About the Author
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- From: aotolife@xanga
- About Me: I am passionate about defending the true meaning of love which is all to often blamed as leading to such state of emotional and interpersonal ruin. I believe it is a big error to blame love for betrayed emotions or unhappy relationships, there should be no gray area as to what real love consists of. That's why I have partnered with relationships author Tapiwa Chitembure - together we hope to bring awareness to the issues that give love a bad name. Occasionally I write about other life issues as well.
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Comments (16)
I totally want to buy a two-seated bicycle and ride around with my boyfriend this summer but he wouldn't do it. LOL
@wideopenskies@xanga - Awww that would be cute!!!
@aotolife@xanga - Haha I know right?
My recent ex lost the spark in our relationship. I tried really hard to respark it with him (the spark never died for me though).. but he gave up on me and left me. It takes two to keep the relationship alive :/
being in a relationship for just about 7 years now, i know the comfort you speak of...you can feel OK making the decision one day not to shave your legs, or on a cold shitty night make the choice to wear sweats instead of skinnies...you don't always feel butterflies. you might have a routine built around work/school to keep things predictable and smooth.
but the fact is that this doesn't mean that the listening and affection and warmth (and other positive attributes of a serious romantic relationship) are necessarily gone. let's not confuse "routine/comfortable" with "failing/dying." it takes a lot of energy to maintain that level of hyper-enthusiasm for a relationship, and while deviations from the norm are great, comfortable doesn't always mean dying a slow death. as a relationship grows and matures, while it takes work, you don't need the butterflies or "just cause" flowers all that often to know why you love your partner. you just see their face or hear their voice and you feel better.
as school/work gets more demanding, as you begin a life together, very few people have the energy/physical capacity to try new things and "re-spark" the relationship very often. but what a real, lasting relationship is in actuality is a low-burning flame. sure, it can still heat up if you throw some fodder into it, but it's always there in the background, keeping everything moving. sparks peter out.
@eileen - very true
Takes work to make it work.
@eileen - I agree. Beautifully said.
My boyfriend is the only person I get made up for, because I don't care how I look to anyone else but him.
If the spark is gone and one person doesn't want to fight to get it back, you won't get it back. If both people want the spark there, they both need to keep it going. In a relationship, your best isn't good enough if both people aren't willing to work on things.
Damn...every single thing you listed is true, for me. Lol. I already knew the "spark" in my relationship was dying, but this kinda confirmed it for me. Guess I've got some work to do...
Honestly 3.5 years in and the only "problem" we have is not dressing up for each other all the time. But honestly I don't see that as a problem. I'm comfortable enough around him that I don't need to dress up.
@eileen - I totally agree, we've together for 5. Many people say we're boring, but we both love our routine we have together and would be lost without it. We are comfortable now, and I like this much better than when I would constantly try to go out of my way to impress him.
We still have sparks fly every now and then, like our monthly dinners (instead of eating at home, or take out). We go out for a nice dinner, doesn't have to be anything fancy, just to get out and really just focus on each other.
I love where we're at right now, and I don't care if we're boring, I still love us :)
my fave thing to do is just to read my diary entries from when my bf and i started dating. i was twitterpated
i did that right after our one-year anniversary recently, and it made me fall in love with him all over again 
(not that the spark is really gone for us, haha it's only been a year after all 
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@eileen - well done. i was sad that the author used the word "dying" too. losing "the spark" is about routine, not necessarily falling out of love! haha my bf says it makes him happy when i show up in my jammies, because he likes that i feel comfortable and don't feel like i need to work hard to impress him
@wideopenskies@xanga - omg what a jerk. Want want want want. I would die of happiness to have one of those with anyone