Wednesday, 15 December 2010
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Do You Have to Be Financially Secure Before You Get Married?
I have a feeling most people have an opinion about this, but that many people don't even talk or even think about it.
My boyfriend (of over a year) and I are this close to engaged. We're talking about [possibly] getting married in the fall, and where we'd want to live, and we work really well together and are both extremely happy in our relationship.But, over the summer, he seemed a lot more gung-ho about the big M word.Since then, I've been laid off. My loving BF, being a very financially conscious fella, is experiencing lots of stress concerning my $100,000 in student loans (not to mention my recent account overdrafts).
Ultimately, I think his big hang-up is our financial situation. I understand that the concept of supporting two people- especially on a research assistant's salary- is daunting. However, I've also seen people wait forever, putting marriage off for years or even eventually breaking up because one or the other of them was waiting for the "right time", financially, to get married.What do you think? How important is financial security before marriage? And what does "financial security" even entail (home ownership, savings account, IRA)? Should a couple put off marriage because one or the other party is unemployed?
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- From: JennyGee@xanga
- About Me: I like trees and horses and butterflies! And theatre, and music, and psychology, and spanish...you name it. Only not French :-P
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Comments (64)
I think that depends more on what sort of wedding you want.. If I were financially unstable but with the right guy, I would get a dinky court marriage and put the fancy reception off for later. That being said, I don't want to get married until I'm 30, so I hope by then my financial situation is stable.
I think it depends on the both of you. Weddings can get really expensive (depending on what wedding you want) so i would sit down with him and figure everything out on a piece of paper, goals for paying off bills, ect ect. You could also talk to a wedding planner, they know where the deals are. Good luck and congrats! :)
Personally I don't think it should have anything to do with money. Then again, I don't believe in sharing bank accounts either. I saw my parents do it and have endless fights, my mom was spending my dad's money, my dad didn't want to spend even his own money, etc etc. So I don't think I would ever combine finances, even if mine were better. (I am also unemployed due to a lay off, and my boyfriend isn't.) but I don't think it should have anything to do with marriage, marriage should be about love and commitment, right? Call me old-fashioned, but that's how I feel, haha.
That's what I always assumed should happen, but people really want to get involved in my life. My ex ditched me because I didn't make enough. maybe they should have forced us since we were "equals." I'm not allowed to date anyone with any possible future.
I definitely don't want to get married until I know we are financially stable. That doesn't mean you can start to make a life together, but I know once I'm married I'd like a little bit bigger of an apartment, have a job, and know I'd be able to also afford having a baby (just in case). Plus weddings are expensive so I want to know I can afford it.
Money isn't everything, but it's not very smart to just get married when you are financially stable at all. You need some type of base.
My boyfriend and I are putting off being engaged (and therefore married) because my parents wouldn't help with the wedding and we have no money and deserve a nice wedding. We want to at least have enough to feel comfortable paying for a wedding and finding an apartment or house.
I think it's wise to wait until you're financially stable. If you're in love and you know you want to be together forever, why not wait until things are stable?
i know i'd definitely wait till i was financially stable before getting married. money can cause problems.
My parent's got married at 22/23 and had £8 a week to spend on food. (It's a story that comes out often.)
I don't think you have to be financially secure but you do have to go in with your eyes wide open. Both my parents were employed, just not by high paid jobs. I think in a world where we do all come out of university/college with huge debts, it's better to be in a stable position before combining assets (and debts) with another person. It's not fair for that much pressure to be on him.That being said, while you might sleep easier at night if you are both 100% solvent, it's not a deal breaker. As long as nobody is thinking of spending insane amounts of money on the wedding, then I think it's fine.
Obviously, if I got married without financial security I wouldn't come off birth control just because I had a ring on my finger. There are other factors to parenthood than whether the parents are married.
I will NOT get maried unless i know both of use are financially stable.
Money tears apart a lot of marriages, and if it doesn't completely tear apart, it causes a lot of issues.
when we're young I think we delude ourelves with the thought that love can conquer all in relatinoships but money cuases issues dealing with family, food, living expenses, location, stress, comfort etc
I don't meant to sa have NO debt, but rather pay off most of my school debtsand all that jazz
I wouldn't marry a guy who can't afford to pay all of our bills while I am on a 6 month maternity leave.
I think getting married is telling the world, "we can take care of each other emotionally, physically, spiritually, and financially." If you can't support your boyfriend in one of these areas, then you're not ready for marriage yet. If he can't support you, then he's not ready yet.
I'm with LupusInvictus on this one--I don't think I'd be willing to marry a guy who couldn't support our family while I'm on maternity leave.
As much as we don't think money should be an issue in relationships, and as much as we don't want it to be, it totally is. In fact, money is one of the things couples fight about the most. When all the fluffy feelings go away, what you have left is real life and real issues, and money is a real life issue that everyone deals with, married or not. Plus, weddings are really expensive, and $100,000 worth of debt is a LOT of money. And thinking about it from his side, once you get married, he is legally liable for that money also. So if he doesn't think that the two of you will be able to make the payments on the debt you've already incurred plus whatever the wedding costs, he has a legitimate reason to be concerned. At the very least, you need some kind of plan.
Yes, you should put it off. I'm unemployed right now. So the boyfriend and I aren't considering the "M" word again until I graduate college in the spring and am working again. That's actually more my choice than his-- I can't stand the thought of putting too much of a burden on him, or feeling like he should have to cover my school loans and such. It's just healthier to wait until you can have an interdependent marriage, instead of one person pulling far more of the weight. $100,000 is also def a lot for him to carry... anyone would be worried about that. Obviously you can just say "eff it" and get married anyway.. but there will probably be problems between you if you do that.
i think being financially secure just means having a payment plan for loans and everything, and having a place to live and the means to get to where you need to go (travel money, car insurance, etc.) and i think it's really important to have that figured out before you put everything together and do the whole "what's mine is yours, yours is mine" deal.
@dude_this_world_sux@xanga - Agreed.
Being financially secure and having everything paid off isn't the same thing. I wouldn't get married if I were swimming in debt, but if I had manageable debt that I was paying off then yes. Besides, even if you get married when everything is financially "perfect" who is to say that it'll stay that way. You never know what's going to come your way in life, and all you can do is plan for the worst and be smart about things. Whether or not you want to wait until things are better financially is a personal choice.
I wouldn't say completely, because I don't believe such a thing exists. But I do think you need to take into account how much you want to spend on your wedding. No more than you can afford, putting it off isn't the worst idea either. I wouldn't wait to try and pay off those loans, but I would gather enough to comfortably spend while paying for your place and other necessities.
Depends on the situation. When we got married, we weren't wealthy or anywhere close to it - but we already lived together and shared finances, and our whole wedding day (outfits/rings/minister/party/the whole shebang) was $300. We could swing it. There was no honeymoon, there were no multi-carat anythings, there were no deposits or hired help or anything of that sort - but even if we had money, we're not that kind of people, it still would have been cheap, quick, and simple.
Understand finances, understand how you and your fiance plan to handle finances, savings, bills you're willing to take on, how you will handle debts you already have and debts you will acquire. If you can talk and talk and talk about money and money matters til you're blue in the face, you can get married, even if you have just a hundred dollars between you. If you can't talk about it, it doesn't matter how rich you are, you're doomed.
Student loans are considered good debt. As long as my future husband is up to date & able to pay, I would get married. If he was in debt over credit cards or unemployed, hell no. When you get married, you're responsible for somethings your spouse does, including debts (which I dont think is fair for either person).
Financially secure doesnt always mean you're rich, it means you know how to manage your money. This is something that people should always discuss. There should always be a joint account for household expenses but both partners should have accounts for their own money.
I'd wait to be financially secure. I don't mind a small wedding but I won't bypass a honeymoon vacation because it is once in a lifetime and rescheduling the honeymoon for like a year later doesn't go well with me since it would be like celebrating your birthday this year, a year later-it isn't the same
some things I won't compromise on.
@Btrfly_Wngs@xanga - I quite agree
My bf and I are unofficial engaged but I don't mind getting married at the court and whatnot and having a formal reception until much later. Though I wouldn't do it now. I'd wait until we were in a better state, financially though a formal reception would still have to wait. The thing that probably will cost a lot is the ring which I do want. Either way, we're not ready for it now. But it depends for the couple really. I think if we can get most debts paid off, then it would be fine, along with getting better jobs..I don't see why not.
I think if you are considering marriage you have to look beyond the initial wedding day to the rest of your life together, and part of that needs to include the quality of life you expect to have with your partner. That quality of life relies on a certain level of financial security that both people need to be comfortable with.
I don't want to get married until I'm financially stable. My SO is financially stable but thats because hes 29 and has a great job but i'm still in college and I have two years to go ( i don't have loans though. thanks mom and dad for sacrificing your time to work double to pay for school<3). But I told him that if he wanted to get engaged then sure we can but getting married is a different thing. I need a stable job and I need money because im not going to let him pay for it even though my mom has a separate fund to pay for my wedding (thanks mom for being so smart and understanding<3).
But I mean if you're not going to go all out on your wedding and book a $30,000 hall and have $20,000 ice sculptures and a $15,000 dress then I think you can do fine without being financially stable. I do advise you to be a tiny bit stable with your finances. Your loans are a whole lot and I think putting any wedding debt on top of the loans is just going to kill the both of you. Be smart and wait a little longer.
Financial security is a HUGE issue, esp now that legally in some states the credit card companies can go after a spouse for the other spouse's debt. Financial stability is one reasons a lot of couples get divorced also.
In my personal opinion financial security means all of your debt is under control and is a reasonable amount meaning no more than 15-20 percent of your monthly salary is going towards paying down debt you are making more money than you are spending you have a reasonable amount of savings. The most important thing of all is that the person I am with is also financially literate meaning she knows how to handle money and wont do something as stupid as buy a $200 dollar pair of shoes while you only make $350 a week and paying rent , credit card bills and etc.
Love is one thing realism is another. I need to know I am not taking on too much of a financial burden when I get married or even worse my partner doesn't know how to handle money.
I don't know if my partners financial situation would be a no go factor, but mine definitely would be. I need to be sure I have my career and at least a safe amount of money saved up before I'll even consider getting married.