Wednesday, 15 December 2010
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Maybe I'll Meet a Guy in Grad School
I'm a twenty year-old virgin college student and have never had an actual boyfriend in the official sense.
That statement is a little more common than you might think. It used to apply to most of my friends, but then one-by-one they began meeting that special someone. I never dated anyone in high school, and while a few guys have shown a vague interest in college, nothing has ever really panned out. I've gone through the normal questions every girl in this situations asks herself - Am I ugly? Am I not interesting or smart? Am I just unappealing in general? Am I too quiet? Is my deodorant not working properly?
When it all comes down to it, the timing is different for everybody. In high school, I thought college would be my "fresh start" - I'd blossom, make a new friends, and finally get a boyfriend. As always, things don't turn out quite as you expect. I feel like I've gotten a better sense of who I am as a person, I've made new friends, and I have a guy who says he loves me but won't commit. Check, Check, Check-ish. I refer to him as my Nonboyfriend.
In general, I'm happy. I usually manage to throw myself into my schoolwork and get really nerdy about the things I am involved in. I try to fight my natural shyness and be social. I'm one of the only girls in my major, so I'm constantly surrounded by guys who I joke around with. I work out out and try to eat right. I make good grades. I try to have a good time on the weekends while keeping things in balance. I'm trying to figure things out, just like everyone else.
It's always hard though, when I hang out with couples and suddenly feel that stab of loneliness. It makes me miss Nonboyfriend, who lives an hour and a half away. It's hard I you get those moments of insecurity and once again try to pinpoint what, exactly, must be wrong with me.
I always tell myself that grad school with be my new "fresh start." I'll wear berets and scarves and be a hipster. I'll go to to school someplace urban and funky. I'll drink fair-trade coffee from a local coffee shop. I'll read scholarly, intellectual books and write about them in eloquently researched essays. I'll meet the perfect guy in the library or at the coffee shop. We'll hit it off and go on scholarly, intellectual dates and talk about nerdy things. It'll be perfect!
Obviously, this is not going to pan out the way I imagine it in my head. Maybe I'll meet a guy in grad school, maybe I won't. If I do, it will probably be while I'm standing outside the bathroom trying to pull gum off my shoe. But you can always dream, right?
Do you ever count on a "fresh start," thinking things will magically fall into place once you move to a different place? How did it turn out for you?
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About the Author
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- From: alifeincoffeespoons@xanga
- Name: Becca L
- About Me: I’m a 20-year-old college student with a lot of thoughts scampering around my head. Sometimes these thoughts direct themselves at any sympathetic or humorous ear they manage to capture for a few moments. In other instances, they end up in a blog. Check it out if you're interested in what I have to say!
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Comments (83)
I used to be in your exact situation, thinking I woulld find someone in high school, then college, then grad school, and then at work. Never happened though. To me it just takes dumb luck to find someone attractive to you and someone you get along with, and that could happen anytime. I feel your pain though
i wish =(
Enjoy your time, actually, becaue as soon as you start dating, it is a rollercoaster. I wish I could find a "made for movies" romance, but they're only in the movies. It is nice to have someone, but it is definitely a ride!
i felt really identified with your post. i'm in high school and haven't had a boyfriend ever. i hope some guy will come up in college...
Yes, I've been in your position. I moved to California for my fresh start, but this was after I met a friend of my sister's, who happened to be the perpetually single guy. He showed an interest in me and we began to talk. We hit it off and I moved here to be with him :) you have to be positive, because the things you think about eventually come to fruition.....and I know what you're thinking, that's lame to say but it's sort of true. I know the book "The Secret" says that a lot, and I almost didn't believe it, but I'm glad that I always saw a handsome guy in my future, a wedding and the life of my dreams, because even though it hasn't all materialized, I know it will in due time. Heck, I already have the guy and the ring, everything else will come. Just focus on you, and break out of your shell and ask a guy out on a date every once in awhile, maybe getting out of your comfort zone is what you need. Good luck :)
Well grad school is not nearly that glamorous. It is more like this: you will spend all night writing a paper, take a nap in your office, go to the coffee shop the next morning without showering, and meet a guy who is in the same situation. When you aren't working, you will do some hardcore chilling with your friends at local bars, so maybe you will meet a guy there, who is probably in the same situation. Maybe he will love you for who you are, because you certainly won't have time for gussying up or being anything other than you raw, stressed, self.
Grad school is probably the best place to meet someone and get right into the "this is who I really am phase."
I was always in the same place as you, until I stopped thinking about, stopped worrying about and stopped trying to find a boyfriend. I focused on myself and having fun. And just about 3 months after I stopped thinking and obsessing over having a boyfriend, I met my current SO. We have been together for 1.5 months and plan on getting married. It's the most successful, happy, longest relationship I've ever been in.
oh man... if only grad school had anything to do with berets and being a hipster. By the way, FAR more grad students are married/engaged than undergrads... the pool gets smaller, not bigger. And you'll get loneliness moments regardless of your relationship status.
If you really want a relationship, and a serious one, devote some effort to it. "Love ain't easy", especially not these days... ask yourself each night if you put any effort into finding/being-in a relationship that day. You're obviously accomplished at schoolwork. Take that same mindset and skillset... do some research into what type of relationship you want, find out where and how you get into that relationship, and start to make connections. Don't be afraid to knock on doors and say "Hi!" And above all, stop wishing for "next time" and start acting "now". Best of luck!
if your grad school is anything like mine, you're guaranteed to get a boyfriend in your first week there. but you should really enjoy being single. as long as you're hooking up with dudes you don't need to worry about those aforementioned issues.
I have been in that situation and more than once. I've moved a lot and not because I needed a new start but when work calls you go. I met someone in high school that I though would be my world but things didn't pan out. We broke off I went to college, met another one that we hit it off but nothing worked out. So now I work on what ever find new friends even if I'm not the life of the party I enjoy my life and what I do. I've dated a numerous amount of women and haven't found the one that I felt, hey I want to be with this one for the rest of my life. But in the end when I find that lady I appreciate and want to be with then she will be there even if its at my most embarrassing point in my life it won't matter because I would have that person.
I wasn't popular in school. I had thought once I reached college things would be different, it would be a fresh start, and maybe I'd meet someone whom I would want to spend the rest of my life with someday. Well, I did find that person back in my junior year in high school on the school bus. It took me two years to figure that out. He has been the best person to come my way in a long time.
what is it with us (women) when it comes to finding "the right, perfect" guy? and the Nonboyfriend is not even someone you even want to have around or to miss when you're in a crowd of couples and holiday season people...
The guys that you joke with probably think, if you ever had an inkling of affection for one or two of them, that you think of them as their brotherly type of guys that are only good for friendships than relationships. For all you know, they have a sister who likes and behaves the same way you do or personality traits that remind them of how sisterly you are. *shrug* it just doesn't work. But don't you ever wonder, if you're looking for the "right guy" with the wrong motivations and locations? Why should your educational institution be of a place to meet a boyfriend? Simply because you spend the majority of your time THERE, it doesn't mean that's the place you're going to be most successful in meeting potential boyfriend types. Just because you're going to Grad school and drink fair trade coffee at a local cafe, if a guy came and ask you out, who does not appear to be the guy you have envisioned him to be, would you even want that to pan out?
It's good to have standards but don't be strict to keep to what you want the guy to be like... I love men in suits, I thought if I worked in the corporate world, I would meet a hard working professional who worked out to look good in a suit and would want a family, get married and all that jazz... Except I'm happily in love with a guy who hardly EVER wears a suit; more flannel shirts and ripped jeans, does work in the corporate world but bends every rule if he can get away with it, who smokes, likes to go to Vegas at least once a year and is hairy as a bear. Did I picture my "The one" such a way? Not really... but when it happens, you won't hesitate because you met in Starbucks and he was the barista making your latte or that he's in a major where most of the student pop. are women or if he didn't go to grad school or etc etc...
My story is very similar to yours as well. I'm actually in grad school now (and have been for the past two years) and I will tell you, at least in my program, every guy in my class is married. Every single one.
Like @Endrath@xanga said, many people get married and start families before they go to grad school, so the pool of available men actually gets smaller, not bigger.
That said, being single is awesome--so keep enjoying your life!
@kor_girl@xanga - It's not really an issue of finding the "perfect guy," I'm just commenting on how a lot of people (including me) end up romanticising the idea that things will me different at a certain time or place. I know grad school is going to be different from the hipster, coffee-ridden (well, I'm sure there will be a lot of coffee) place that I imagine it to be. College, though it's gone well, is not what I imagined back when I was in high school. And that's okay. Things don't work out the way you fanticize, but they happen the way they're supposed to. I don't care if I meet a guy in a coffee shop or in a dumpster, because when it comes down to it, that really doesn't matter. I just like to think that it will happen someday, and the best thing to do is to focus on now and let things pan out.
@kor_girl@xanga - It's not really an issue of finding the "perfect guy," I'm just commenting on how a lot of people (including me) end up romanticising the idea that things will be different at a certain time or place. I know grad school is going to be different from the hipster, coffee-ridden (well, I'm sure there will be a lot of coffee) place that I imagine it to be. College, though it's gone well, is not what I imagined back when I was in high school. And that's okay. Things don't work out the way you fanticize, but they happen the way they're supposed to. I don't care if I meet a guy in a coffee shop or in a dumpster, because when it comes down to it, that really doesn't matter. I just like to think that it will happen someday, and the best thing to do is to focus on now and let things pan out.
Haha! I was the SAME. When I was going to college, I thought... "maybe I will find *the one* in one of my undergraduate classes?" -well, yeah: I dated guys, but things never went to the next level (i.e.: a relationship). College was over for me after 3 years and I was slightly disappointed. BUT then: graduate school was around the corner. I thought... "mann, this is not good... almost 22, still a virgin, no boyfriend... BUT MAYBE this time I will set my mind at ease, and let *the one* FIND ME?". And you know what: HE DID. During my last semester in graduate school. So, my dear @alifeincoffeespoons@xanga - have hope :))) GOOD LUCK with graduate school. God, you have no idea how much I miss it!!
My grad program has 46 people, 6 of whom are guys, one of whom is single.
Stop dreaming and just take action... Dreams are good, but without action(s), it probably won't happened. I've always thought that I'll meet a girl who would fall for me like I fall for her and we'll magically get together without any work. It just doesn't work that way. Yes, it's true that I might get hurt along the way. But as long as I'm open, honest, vulnerable, then there's a good chance I'll find someone.
Everyone has those dreams. He never comes along until you quit looking, though. I am convinced of that.
But from a grad student- good luck having time to do anything in grad school that's not work related. o_O
I am in your situation, sort of. I've had two relationships in the past, but obviously I'm still without a ring on my finger and about to leave undergrad for grad school (well...I'm getting a purity ring for Christmas so I guess I will have a ring, lol). My parents insist I'll meet someone in med school, but to be quite honest I didn't plan on waiting for some other med student. In fact I very much don't want to marry a physician. So I guess we'll both have to see if it happens in grad school. I'm trying my best to just be patient and focus on other things, but yeah....it's very difficult. I really don't agree that everyone will eventually find someone because it's not true. Not everyone will find someone. And the pool getting smaller is definitely an issue as well. Anyway, it'll happen if it's meant to happen and if it doesn't, I'm sure you'll be a well-adjusted woman no matter what.
@Katja88@xanga - LOL...damn, sucks to be in this situation. But I can relate - I was in a female-dominated major. And out of the 5 guys in the graduating class, 2 happened to be gay and the 3 singles were manwhores. Great place to find the right guy huh?
I found that many guys who are college age (18-23) are pretty immature. Most at that age aren't looking for something serious. They want to enjoy the freedom of the single life and party. Meanwhile, the few that do want relationships are already taken. If you get lucky and catch a guy who wants a relationship, you better hope that they are over their ex gf. And of course, if you to college in the deep south like I did, you'll see many young college students already engaged.
There is nothing wrong with you. You're concerns are perfectly normal to have. I had them, and I was in and out of relationships while I was in college. You're still pretty young & have plenty of time to find someone special. It will happen at the right time when you least expect it. It's better that you be with the right person than be with guys who aren't right for you.
For now, focus on your education, and have fun with life.
I met my current bf about a year after I graduated from college. Just goes to show that you can meet guys even after graduating from school.
i was kind of like you for a while, didn't really date much in high school, felt awkward at first in college. then towards the end of my first semester at college, BAM. suddenly thrown into the world of sex and dating. it just happened. idk. me and the first guy broke up, i wasn't really ready for a real relationship. but then i started dating my current boyfriend and we've been together for almost 4 years now. i don't really feel like i blossomed as a person until recently though. finding the guy isn't that fix for your problems, but its fun in the meantime.
my advice: be the change you want to see. you can do well in school and have fun while doing so. don't wait for arbitrary landmarks, dress how you want to dress right now. drink the coffee you want to drink, hah. you get the idea. make small changes towards being the person you aspire to be. that will mean putting yourself out there and taking risks socially. make new friends, go to parties, give yourself a makeover so you are as confident as possible.
just have fun, it doesn't mean settling down right away. just date, fool around, you're only young once.
I'm in the EXACT same situation: 20 years old and never dated. I've always imagined that the workload in grad school would make it more difficult to date though.
College was definitely my "fresh start". Once I started, I opened up more than what I would have in high school, and I started figuring myself out. I didn't date in high school because of the fact that I'm gay and it was difficult finding people to get to know (and I had really low self-esteem). Once college started, I was able to meet people, but never really met anyone that was interesting enough to date. I think someone will come to you when you least expect it. That is what happened with my ex and my current bf.