Tuesday, 14 December 2010
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Yes, I Will Date Your Ex
So my friend has this "rule" that she swears she abides by...You don't sleep with or date anyone that a friend has slept with or dated.
This sounds all hunky-dory right? Well, it probably should to most people. I, however, think that there should be certain allowances for most situations and that rules have to change a little depending on the situation... This is the way I see it.
If you truly had feelings for this person (in love with, was in love with, still want to be with...) then your friends should recognize that this person is off limits to them.
Here is where I draw the line...
If you dated this person for less than a month...
If you never had sex with this person...
If the only goal of the relationship with this person was sex...
If you were merely friends with benefits with this person and ending the situation had no effect on you...
If you are with someone else, happy, and this person never actually did you any wrong...
If you never actually wanted to date that person in the first place...THEN IT SHOULDN'T MATTER!!!
Relationships TRULY depend on the maturity of the people that are in that relationship. (No, I am not implying that age isn’t important... I am talking about MATURITY. Age does not always imply that maturity is one of the partners aspects, nor does maturity always come with age).
Now, all of this being said... my friend is breaking her own rule and being a huge idiot about it.
I dated a guy around this time last year. He is 44 (yes, 18 years older than me), sweet, funny, charming, good-looking... he’s basically just a great guy in general. He also acts like he's in his mid-twenties. This would be why he keeps going for girls in this age group. My friend is about 5 months older than me. She tries to be and act maturely. Sometimes, her jealousy and childish antics make her fail miserably. This doesn't make her a bad person, but she can be difficult to get along with at times. I dated him for six weeks... we were barely more than friends with benefits and ending it didn’t mean much to me at all. She has been one of my best friends for almost seventeen years.
For the last few days these two lovelies have been texting each other pretty much non-stop. They are both texting me and telling me that one or the other of them said this or that... None of it really matters, but that’s the situation. He is telling me pretty much everything. She, on the other hand, is making it look like he is after her but she isn't interested.
She text me Thursday and told me that he had asked her to go somewhere with him Saturday. She said, "I hope he doesn't think that it's anything more than friends!" The way she was explaining it made it sound like she was just going to have a few beers with him. None of this bothered me.
He called me on Friday. He was confused because he was unsure as to whether or not she wants to hook up with him. He tells me that they have been texting each other nonstop from the time she wakes up until she goes to sleep for days. My jaw hit the floor as he described the conversations they have been having... especially when he told me that she was telling him about her sex life, her sex likes and dislikes... isn't that a conversation that you should save for someone who may be a potential sex partner? I told him to just be direct and ask her what her expectations of him are so that he knows.
On Friday night, she text me to tell me that he was meeting her and her friend at the bar (big surprise).
On Saturday, I get a text from her telling me that he wants her to discuss our friendship pact with me... She claimed she told him no, that it is what it is. I told her AND him both that I DO NOT CARE if they get together or have sex. They could sneak across the country side pissing side by side in every cornfield along the way if they wanted to and I would not give a shit lol. She told me she doesn't want him. Ten minutes later he tells me that she kissed him Friday night.
Now, this is where I get mad.
I HATE being lied to.
Don't tell me that you don’t want him when you do.
Don’t tell me that its innocent when its not.
Don’t act like you’re trying to be my best friend and pussy foot around the truth because you’re obviously scared that I'll get mad when I already told you that I DONT CARE.I have a boyfriend that I am in love with, happy with, and want to spend my life with. If you want to bump uglies with a guy I dated for a mere six weeks, then be my guest lol.
Just DONT lie about it.
It is currently 12:22am on Sunday morning. They went to dinner together and are now out at a bar watching my friend's band. Sounds a little bit more like a date than it does hanging out, doesn't it? Especially when he took her to the SAME restaurant that he took me to on our first date, LMAO!
Have you ever had a friend break the ex's rule?
What are your own person standards in accordance to that rule?
Have you ever had a friend LIE TO YOUR FACE about something?
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- From: HoldOnFor1MoreDay@xanga
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Comments (62)
I dislike when people are like that too. I can't stop them from getting together or whatever so I don't care what they do/did as long as they don't tell me everything. There is a reason or two we didn't work out and I don't see the point of blocking him off from the rest of my female friends. Crazy as it seems.
I think the no dating/sex with friends' exes rule should really only apply if a) it is a very recent breakup, or b) your friend (and I'm assuming CLOSE friend) still has strong feelings for the guy/girl you are after.
Especially when you live in a small community, it is impossible to date if you rule out people who have been involved with your friends. The pickings are slim enough as is!
Agree.
"If you are with someone else, happy, and this person never actually did you any wrong"
A girl I was just good acquaintances with broke up with the guy 5 months before I got with him. Not only did she break up with him, she had sex with his friend and left him for the other dude. But once I persue my now boyfriend (her ex-bf), when she found out, she woke my bf up at 3 am, showed up at his house, ballin' her eyes out WHILE she had another boyfriend.
like WTF.
But I do believe there's certain instances where you shouldn't date a friends ex, most definitely. I would never date my best friend's ex or any girl I'm really close to. Which luckily, for me, isn't many. girls are bitches.
I agree with your reasons on why it shouldn't matter. My guy I'm with now (and have been with for two and a half years...) was actually a friend's ex. The funny thing is I set them up and out of the four or five times they saw each other, three of those times were because of my influence. They dated for about a month but it just wasn't going to work out. She was with someone else when me and him started talking, but she told me if I dated him, she'd never talk to me again.
So, I wanted to keep her friendship and stopped talking to him for half a year and then we just wanted our chance. We've been dating ever since and my "friend" is over it. I think. She's just kinda selfish but we don't see each other much anymore.
A lot of friends called me hypocritical for what happened though because I wouldn't let my best friend date one of my exs... however, he was my "first love" and they were talking a month after we broke up and I clearly wasn't over it. It was an entirely different situation.
I think it depends. If the friend has gotten hurt in any way, shape or form during or after the break up, then they will probably always feel a little raw about it.
I have a couple of ex's that it physically hurts to see them with other girls, so how I would feel if that other girl was my friend, I do not know.It's not a black and white rule, and I think anyone who wants to date a friends ex should have the courage of their convictions to talk to the friend first about it. Not for approval per say, but so that they are the ones to tell them, out of courtesy.
I agree with your reasons. I never cared if my friends dated an ex of mines.
But if they do, I just want em to make sure both of them pursue each other at a reasonable time - meaning, do not hook up right after we break up with each other. At least give us both time to heal and be respectable on how you're going to go for it.
Even if he was my first love, I wouldn't put a "Do Not Touch" sign on his forehead for my friends. We probably broke up for a reason and he may not be Mr. Right for me, but he may be to em.
if you already told her you don't care i don't see why she's lying about it. you're not with him, you're with someone new, you love someone else, and she can do what she pleases. she's being ridiculous...
i hate that rule when people won't make exceptions except for themselves. that's bullshit.
@PseudoEuphoric@xanga - I quite agree with that.
Yeah, I've had friends lie to my face numerous times. It's one of the many reasons I don't let people in and close very easily, because I'm tired of getting lied to. My views on the "dating the friend's ex rule" are pretty much the same as yours. Simplified: If the friend honestly doesn't care anymore, then you should be able to go for it.
I only agree with the first two.
I will open my mind to dating a friend's ex ONLY it was a little innocent casual dating that didn't go anywhere, but honestly - even then, my conscious kicks me hard into questioning if what i'm doing is wrong.
BUT, I will never ever ever dating someone my friends have slept with, even if was a booty call on both parts. I think it's gross and that there is a line with what friends should share. I hope that I never share sexual partners with any of my friends within my lifetime.
The only exception with dating ex's that I feel is valid - you had a weak friendship with the person, and they haven't been in your life for several years. That is, until they see that you're interested in their ex. But that being said, if someone I knew from from way-back-when dating dating an ex of mine I'm not with anymore, I'd still probably not be okay with it. Thats just me though.
If you flat out be honest with your friend then it should be okay. I had dated a guy for a short while and didn't care much about him but a friend (not even a close one) still asked me before she asked him out and because of that I was totally on her side and encouraged her to do so and it made me respect her SO much. Then turns out another of our friends (this girls close friend) hooked up with the guy behind all of our backs. Those sort of actions speak volumes to your character, more so than the whole friendship pact.
@PseudoEuphoric@xanga - Haha! Yes! Exactly. :)
You really think its okay to date your best friends ex just because they haven't had sex yet? Are you one of those people who think people can't be in love and not have sex? Because if so that is bullshit. I dated my first boyfriend a year before we had sex. We cared about each other alot.
I so agree with your reasons. Recently (a few months ago before I started dating my current boyfriend) I hooked up with a guy that a good friend of mine had apparently had a crush on forever. I knew she was attracted to him, but she always made it seem like she just wanted to sleep with him and nothing more, until he and I hooked up. Then all of a sudden I was a horrible person and a shitty friend and I stabbed her in the back blahblahblah. The thing is, my "relationship" with this guy was purely physical, and short-lived at that! There was never going to be a real relationship there, but she freaked out anyway. I hate silly rules.
I like this. Yes, I will date your ex, and I have. ;) The rules and
standards that we hold other people to are ones that we hardly ever live
up to ourselves (I say "we" as a broad generalization -- there are a
lot of people with a lot more integrity than that out there...but at the
same time, we've all been hypocrites at least once in our lives). Our
own "rules" are always fine and dandy until you end up depriving your
own self of something that looks really
tempting... Then it's okay if you test the waters... which turns into
it won't hurt if it happens just once... and then you flat out binge on
all of that guilty goodness because nothing bad happened the first time you did it... Then it becomes okay because it's you, and
it makes you feel good. Oh, and it totally happened "by accident" -- I mean, you didn't mean for it to happen because you really never wanted anything to happen in the first place, you've been "telling" everyone. That's all that matters. And you made the
rule right? Now, others have to stick to it because they're not you --
you don't know their intentions, so that must automatically mean that
their intentions were to piss you off. But you -- you know your
intentions and you really didn't mean to hurt anyone... you just can't
help who you "love," right? I don't know your friend and I don't want to think the worst of her, but something tells me that she would've behaved that way whether you had serious feelings for him or not. Affection and attention from the opposite sex can make people go against everything they believe in.. In some cases it's quite romantic... in others, not so much. Sorry, I feel guilty making that comment, but that's what I think!
maybe he has twisted the truth, too. I mean who are you going to believe more; a hookup buddy that you've sort of known for less than a month or a friend of seventeen years. he seems like a pickup artist, so I wouldn't give him the benefit of the doubt. I'd trust my friend but that's just me.
Yeah. I don't know really how I feel about the topic.
I dated this guy for three years. We were each other's first kiss, first relationship ever, first love, first time having sex. He ended up being emotionally abusive and would do things like tell me I was the cause of his self-mutilation. We haven't really talked in just over a year.
This girl was my best friend from 7th grade to senior year high school. I'm a junior now in college and we're still kind of like sisters, just sisters that haven't been able to see each other since we live far away. When we're both in town, though, we ALWAYS get together.
When I found out that they both liked each other, it crushed me. It felt like heartbreak all over again. It was such a surprise because I knew I was over him - I didn't particularly care too much about what was going on in his life and felt absolutely no need to stalk him over fb (which is a huge step for me). I wasn't sure if they had dated, or if they were planning on dating. I decided to try to calm myself down for several days before talking to the girl about it, but I literally cried myself to sleep every single night until I called her.
I don't know how to explain it, but the thought of them potentially being in love and being in a relationship, it broke my heart. I could say that I didn't want him to emotionally abuse her the way he abused me, but other than that, I can't explain it. Most of my friends have never been in a relationship longer than a month, and they all immediately assumed I was just being unreasonably jealous, but I know jealousy, and that wasn't jealousy.
You really don't know until you've been there. I had no idea it would hurt so badly.
I will consider people my friends dated off limits. The only exception was one of her "boyfriends" (they were together for like..3 months) and this was several years after they had gotten together and I had heard from both sides it wasn't a serious thing and I had basically stopped being friends with her anyway.
As for what happened to you, I can see why she'd be scared about telling you, but I don't see the need to lie. Especially if you are with someone and told them it was fine.
Generally I agree with your ideas on it. I think it just depends on the situation although dating a friend's ex is something I would prefer to stay away from.
I agreed with your original rules, and with the ones you came up with after. They make sense.
Sorry about your friend, I hate being lied to also.
But you should talk to her, and tell her straight up like you told them you didn't care..tell her, "
look, its not going to harm our friendship if you decide to be with this guy he was just my FWB or f*buddy.. (however u want to put it). But one thing that WILL/COULD seriously end our friendship is your lying and going around behind my back acting like I haven't noticed whats going on. I'm glad you're happy, but I want us to be back to normal - so stop acting weird. It's not like he and I were anything serious. Can we go back to being friends now?" and then recommend going out for frozen yogurt or something to take off the tension.
Good luck!
@tofloataway@xanga - agreed
@astudyinemerald@xanga - agreed@Shadows27@xanga - agreed@tofloataway@xanga - Totally agreed!
@SentimentalDoll@xanga - agreed
@rabbitsarecool14@xanga - SO TRUE!!
@Krista - probably because she actually wanted a relationship with the guy.. but you went ALL the way.
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - you make a good point there.. but i have one question: what's his motive? her's seems more clear to me.. she's afraid that when her friend (the author) says that she doesn't care, that its not exactly true, and so, i'm assuming she doesn't want to risk the friendship - which is why she might lie.
@my_horizon@xanga - i get that. a similar thing happened to me a month after i broke out of a 3 year, abusive relationship. the reason you probably hurt so much is because you were in an abusive relationship. some of those things make you feel more like its betrayal from both your friend, and your ex. Why would she be with someone who hurt you so bad? How could she trust him? Why would he date my best friend (you may be thinking to yourself)? Can't he find anybody else? It's a sucky situation. But it looks like its going to happen, so just guard your heart and TRY to let go (at least for your own happiness).
I think it's arrogant to make up rules in which it would be OK. Obviously "don't date your friends ex," isn't a black and white rule because every situation is different, but saying "it's okay if..." is a little sketchy. How about just try and be a good friend and don't do something that you're friend is not okay with? How about just consider their feelings first, before trying and justifying something from just your own perspective?
@my_horizon@xanga - I understand this because I was in a similar situation. The way I see it, I feel as if to have a good friend date someone who abused you and caused you pain really feels like a betrayal, like she is saying he is an okay person when you know he isn't. I'm sorry you had to go through that and I'm sorry your friends think you're being jealous when you're not.
The friend dating my ex thing has happened to me too. I dated this guy for almost two years, and he was my first love. We broke up because we both had to do some soul searching and find ourselves, and for about six months we weren't official but we were still pretty much together. I called the whole thing off when he told me that he was leaving to go to school in a different country, but in the end he never left. About five months later, I had a new boyfriend and things were going great, and my best friend started sneaking about with my ex behind my back. She lied to me and told me it was innocent, they were just hanging out, but she started ditching me to hang out with him and seeing him every day. He was the first one to be up front about liking her, and then she told me shortly after that she liked him as well. I told her that I wasn't okay with it, that it was uncomfortable for me and it just didn't sit right, and she told me that nothing would happen between them if I wasn't okay with it. They started dating about two weeks later.
I believe that you should never date a friends ex if their relationship was serious. If they were in love with each other, even if it was years ago, I think that it's too hard. I don't think the length of time they dated for really matters, but moreso how they felt about each other. If they loved each other, it's going to be hard to let that go.
AGREED!
your so called "best friend of 17 yrs" is a liar who gets a thrill of sneaking around you with your ex of six weeks. she's probably very proud of herself when she texts you and sugarwraps the date to be a "friendly" hang out only because YOU know about it.
What I would have done is have a freakin CONFERENCE call without her knowing it so in the end, she knows you talked to the guy and she should quit trying to peddle her BS love triangle that goes on and beyond. Your friend is a drama queen. She's a hypocrite. And I think, the times you found it was hard to get along with her, you were a good enough friend to keep loyal and not dump her ass on the side line because she's not even a full year older but acts like she has some sort of a superiority thing over you, the baby who's 8 months younger. But then why did he TELL you EVERYTHING about his interaction with her? Did he have a side agenda of making you JEALOUS that she's lying to you to go out with him? Like he's some covetted individual of interest?
THEY both crave drama. You should cut them loose. I don't like being told of EVERYTHING from a guy who's enjoying hanging out with my "so called best friend" who lies to me about the intent and I don't like being LIED to as if the liar thought I'd be DUMB enough to a) be jealous and b) believe and give a rat's ass about what they do when they do it.