Friday, 10 December 2010
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Who REALLY Has the Power in Relationships
The person with the most power in the relationship is the one who is least interested.For example: boy meets girl. boy gives girl number. boy waits on girl day and night for her call. girl is going about her day with ease. boy feels powerless.
Another scenario in relationships: girl and boy have fight. they split for tonight to ease their aggression. next day girl waits for boy to call. girl is in agony wondering if their relationship is still stable. boy on the other hand has forgotten about the fight and has gone with his day as if nothing has happened. girl feels powerless.
There are far more scenarios when one person's interests in the relationship exceeds the other and leads them to be powerless. The one who has little less interests then holds more of an influence on the relationship, therefore has more of the power and control of the relationship.
I could see that kind of dynamic power struggle in my past relationships. In the beginning of one relationship, I had little interests in the guy. He sought my heart for a long time and I gave in. However, once I gave in I fully committed to the relationship which led me to be easily influenced by him. Thankfully, he broke up with me. At the time, I was fully committed and breaking up was not an option I could carry out on my own. If had not broken up with me, I think I would have been totally whipped and miserable.
In the current relationship, I want to believe my and partner and I hold the same interests in the relationship. There are times when are interests change, such as the second scenario, when we get into fights. I think he has an easier time letting go of fights, which leads me to be on the other side of the phone line waiting desperately for his call. We do make up in the end.
Can you think of your "power struggles"? In your relationships, could you see when the changes in interests occurred? Presently, who in your relationship holds the most "power"?
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- From: Lyrical_L@xanga
- About Me: Let me speak with lyrics because I got no better poetry.
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Comments (29)
Nobody should have the power, it should be 50/50.
@UnconventionalButterfly@xanga - Yes, 50/50. Otherwise, you're just going to end up ripping each other's throats out.
There is a post about this on my Xanga, check it out: Relationship Power Struggles
Hmm.
Well, my boyfriend and I love each other and we are completely equal.Except in bed. In bed, he's in charge. Haha.
@UnconventionalButterfly@xanga - agreed
@UnconventionalButterfly@xanga - I agree. Relationships are partnerships.
It is TRUE!
lol she does... im the protector which also means i protect her happiness... which boils down to if she aint happy i aint and heh she makes it so... now some might think the reverse is also true that if i aint happy she aint... well... heh lets go back to the protector bit, i protect her happiness...
Sadly, in just about any situation the one who holds the power is the one who wants/needs it less. This applies to any kind of relationship or interaction, not just romantic ones.
That said, I think it's unhealthy to spend too much time looking at relationships through the lens of power dynamics. I think that's asking for problems.
@Triton1017@xanga - Totally agree
you make a good point.
i agree but it's not not really a relationship if you have to direct complete authority to the one who is least interested.
@Triton1017@xanga - Agree. It's only when you acknowledge there's a 'power' and 'control' struggle that it really becomes a problem. Couples should be able to be happy enough together and get along well enough. There's no reason one should ever really feel 'powerless'... you are always in control of your relationship. It takes two to tango.
Unless you happen to be a dom or a sub, power shouldn't even enter into your mind when it comes to relationships. If you think it is about some sort of power struggle, you are going about it all wrong.
Really? Because the ones who are less interested are the ones who end up getting left behind to find somebody that IS interested.
If somebody is chasing somebody who is not interested, then that person is a god-damn fool and is wasting his or her own time. Don't get me wrong, it's fine to chase and try. But if nothing changes after a week or so, then it's time to delegate to friend zone and move on.
If you're sitting around chasing somebody who is not interested, you're also setting yourself up for mind games. This is how people tend to get suckered because they believe that "if I do X or Y and show myself off to this person, they'll like/love me."
@UnconventionalButterfly@xanga - That would be nice, but relationships usually don't work like that. Someone ALWAYS has the upper hand, because not everyone is equal in everything. It's not pretty, but it's life. Of course, if you obsess over this, then you'll ruin your relationship, but pretending that it's not there doesn't make it untrue.
I like this post. Very sociological and cut and dry.
@UnconventionalButterfly@xanga - an ideal the majority should strive for. but that is never really the case. we all have different priorities, and we measure what we want differently. it will never be 50/50. @Jinn_Master@xanga - exactly.
@Eternal_Nocturne@xanga -lets say, i am not as interested in my bf as much as he is in me. He would strive to make things work, yes. But, i could easily use him. i could Not consider his feelings. and it would still work out b/c he's just so darn interested in making things work. However, i would be interested enough to keep the relationship going. If a partner has 0 interest in the other, then there probably was no relationship to start with.
I don't believe there's ever really a balance of power. Someone holds more power than the other and that's the person that isn't as clingy, dependent or needy.
I asked my bf for his number first. He rejected me at the time because he wasn't ready for a relationship. Months later, he started getting interested in me. I noticed. I played a little hard to get, but encouraged him. I eventually asked him to "hang out." He made it an official date. Soon after, we entered into a solid, committed relationship.
In my case, I think he has the power. I egged him on for months. Took time to get to know him, find out his interests, how he is with his friends, family, etc. I put myself out there, all he had to do was make a choice to take me or let me go. ....At the same time, I don't think I'm completely powerless. In every relationship there should be an equal share of "power" or control. You definitely shouldn't be pressured to stay with someone if you don't feel happy with him/her. That's why I encourage all girls to be upfront with guys if they feel comfortable doing so.
I agree completely with this post!
This was true with all my relationships.
The relationships I cared about the most were the ones where I didn't hold the power, nor knew the future of the relationship. I got off, and still get off on not knowing where the relationship will end up, and I find this to be a problem for me.
I hate being the one with the power, because when I realize it, its the moment I realize that I'm not actually that interested in keeping the boy around. & 9 times out of 10, that boy, will be one of the nicest, most caring, charming, boys (someone that's good for me) ...and for some reason I want the boy that leaves me hanging... If only I could change!
haha yea, that was my answer too when i read the title of this entry. unfortunately, my bf (of 5 years so far) is the least interested one. oh well.
If my guy and I are not a team, then the relationship is not valuable enough for me to keep.
I do not want either of us to be really wanting to get together while the other does not really care too much. We should both feel like it is a mission to meet up at the same place and time to do the activity we both know we will enjoy.
When we argue, I do want it to be about who wins, but rather working to better understand each other and come up with a solution that we can both be content with.
I feel that my mate is my comrade, not my rival.
"Power" is a bit of an illusion...
Honestly can't tell ya but I can tell you it seems I'm caring more for her than she is for me at this time.
So I may be looking again reallllllllll soon... -________________--
You can suggest that the "Power" in a relationship should be 50/50, however this is not always the case because there are TWO people with their own thoughts and feelings on the matter. If both sides always agreed on everything then they would not be a "Couple" they would be a "Unit". Conflict and "Power" shifts are important to a successful relationship. Take it in stride.