Friday, 10 December 2010
-
"Irreconcilable Differences" is BS
The majority of divorced people have regrets - they're sorry they gave up and wish they had tried harder.
In most cases, saying “irreconcilable differences” is enough for a divorce, at least as far as the judge is concerned. Have you ever wondered what differences are so irreconcilable that, for example, the 20 or 30 year togetherness of a seemingly happy couple is flushed down the toilet as if it never existed? Let’s discuss it...Every couple has differences that they reconcile every day. He’s a night person, she’s a morning person. He loves steak, but she likes chicken. She’s crazy about reality TV, he hates it. He loves the outdoors, but she loves to be indoors. The differences make us interesting but can also present real challenges: She’s Christian, he’s an atheist - how do you raise the kids? How do you discipline them? Challenging? Yes. Irreconcilable? No.
So at what point do differences actually become irreconcilable? It’s when you run out of the want and the desire it takes to do the hard work. You feel that you simply can’t do it anymore, you don’t want to do it anymore, and you just want out. When a couple splits based on “irreconcilable differences” it really means they simply gave up. Maybe more couples would go the extra mile if, when contemplating divorce, they ask themselves, “Are our differences really irreconcilable, or are we quitting because we’ve run out of energy?”
Marriage is hard work. That's the reality of marriage! But it can also be very rewarding!
Before you reach the end, try this: Take a quiet moment to think of times when your significant other made you feel like you’re the luckiest person on the planet. Those times don’t have to be the stuff of romance novels or fairytale movies, just sweet and simple times. Maybe it’s the day you planted the garden, or took a weekend trip somewhere, or cooked together for the first time. Reliving those moments might give you what you need to work a bit harder at keeping your marriage together. Do it everyday, it's a step in the right direction. What do you have to lose?
Getting married is easy. But staying together takes a lot of work! The intimacy that comes with time and experience, with having grown old together is well worth it!
(Of course, there are certain circumstances when a divorce is probably the best thing to do and this post does not apply to those times. I believe that divorce should be the very last resort though, and marriage should not be the first resort to taking your relationship to the next level.)
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: aotolife@xanga
- About Me: I am passionate about defending the true meaning of love which is all to often blamed as leading to such state of emotional and interpersonal ruin. I believe it is a big error to blame love for betrayed emotions or unhappy relationships, there should be no gray area as to what real love consists of. That's why I have partnered with relationships author Tapiwa Chitembure - together we hope to bring awareness to the issues that give love a bad name. Occasionally I write about other life issues as well.
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 14 Views: 0 57517 Comments: 0 404 View all posts by aotolife@xanga
Comments (58)
The actual title of this is just "Irreconcilable differences" (Datingish added the BS)
I completely agree.
I see what you're saying.
There's also though, the circumstances where one person kind of quits trying before it's over. One person continuously refuses to compromise or change anything. Refuses to communicate, whatever. I honestly thinkg if people want a divorce, they should get one. It doesn't really matter to me WHY somebody gets a divorce. Obviously they were unhappy. And if both parties regret it...well...they can always get back together. It may seem like a big waste of time to get a divorce and then get back together, but some people NEED that alone time, where they are truly away from their partner and free to find themselves again. Find out what they want and need. Find out who they are.
@BingleBot@xanga - EXACTLY.
It takes two people to marry, but only one to divorce. Don't think that all divorces are mutual things- they're not.
I agree completely that, under normal circumstances, divorce should always be the last option. Superficial differences should not be enough to break vows that were at least, at some point, sacred.
And if couples are so concerned about the possibility of divorce, they shouldn't rush into the institution of marriage in the first place. It's a serious thing...
@aotolife@xanga - I hate when they do that shit.
What do you think? He wants to go to the Philippines before he's thirty. But he'll only go there if he's single or with me, since he's in a relationship. He wouldn't go on his own since he thinks it's a romantic place. If he goes on his own, he'd go because he's single, and he could do a bunch of pretty whores. So it's like saying, if I don't get enough money for a ticket, before he's thirty (four years down the road) . . . then he'd go on his own.
From what I've seen personally, people say "irreconcilable differences" when they want out of a marriage that they rushed into (which as you pointed out, happens a bit) or if the situation is more like "We'd rather not bring up the nitty-gritty details of our relationship in a court of law, so we'll go with 'irreconcilable differences'".
Also, I'd like to see some credible sources for your statistic that "most divorced couples regret getting divorced". I mean, if we're going by anecdotal evidence alone, I can tell you that of the five divorced couples I know, they are ALL better off than they were in the marriage. Do you they regret divorce? Yeah, it sucks to have to go through it, but they'd rather just not have married the person in the first place. See, there are different ways to skew that statement.
You can't just make a relationship work. I should know; I've tried.
We didn't run out of the "will" to stay together. We were always forcing it, and people do that. That's not a good reason to stay married.OH most of the time it went downhill very fast but they stayed together for 20 or 30 years out of shear stubborn-ness. NOT good! @RaVnR@xanga - right
I thought "Irreconcilable differences" is BS too. After ALL you go through, kids, seeing each other at your best/worse & naked, you want to up & quit?
I KNOW people are sick of hearing about the British Royal family but I think this is why William waited until he was ready to get married nearing his 30s seeing what happened to his mother. Really though, that applies to alot of my generation. People who are together for a number of years before or wait until they're settled to get married have better chances. People change overtime so it's technically correct to say that the person you marry today wont be the same in 10-15 years because we constantly grow & evolve our personalities. People have to adapt or learn to live with the differences.
And also @prettynpink628@xanga - is right. It takes two for a relationship to work & one to end it. It's sad how one person will be selfish & want to end a relationship even though the other is willing to work on it. That's how so many divorces go. I think people should read Dear Abby. SO many people send in letters regretting how they ended their relationships or cheated & got nothing in the end. It's sad for them but I dont feel bad for them because they followed their own stupidity.
@Diva_Jyoti@xanga - or for the tax breaks & kids. It's stupid as hell to stay in a relationship for the kids. I should know. It's easier to have your personal happiness & still be a parent because the kids suffer most in a bad marriage. We see & hear what goes on & what people say.
@Shinbi_Belldandy@xanga - I know, I know.
It's NEVER easy to leave a long marriage, NEVER. I commend the brave souls who manage to do it, it takes extreme courage and usually EVERYONE is better off later.
@Shinbi_Belldandy@xanga - Divorce is not just selfish. Sometimes it's best for everybody. "Trying" in a relationship is not always enough. You actually have to MAKE it work. You cant just TRY to make it work. And sometimes two people just can't make it work. I don't think somebody's selfish for wanting to get a divorce from somebody who doesn't treat them the way they want and need to be treated, who isn't compatable with them, so many other things, or just plain because they don't love them anymore. I think it's silly that doing what's best for yourself just because somebody else still wants to "try" is considered selfish. So somebody should continue living unhappily and pretending to be in love with somebody they aren't, just because the other person wants them to stay?
I don't think people always reconcile their daily, moral or spiritual differences. Some just put up with them. One or the other has to bend while the other gets their way. After a while it just wears some out, especially when there are major differences. Granted, there are some couples who get divorced for some very minor things under the name of irreconcilable differences.
My first husband was a chronic liar. It caused huge issues for us. I'm pretty sure that a lying spouse is not someone you can reconcile your differences with, especially when you don't know if he's sincere of faking.
there comes a point in a marriage where reconciling the differences seems like the endless job of the day, and when all you ever do is try and fix something that's breaking, there's going to be a point where you both decide it's time to call it quits.
A lot of the time, irreconcilable differences is also filed if either party is just a bit too nice to say what is really the problem. Cheating, if the party suing for divorce is not worried about a quick push, and doesn't mind waiting the mandatory year before proceedings begin, is often filed under this category for whatever reason.
I genuinely believe it is a completely justified problem in a divorce. Being a night person or a morning person isn't a good example, but what about wanting kids? You'd be surprised how many people launch themselves into a marriage without talking about the important issues. I'd say if my husband said he'd rather get the snip than have kids, that'd be a pretty hard thing for me to get over, since he wouldn't want them biologically, by adoption or as a foster parent. That'd be a deal breaker for me.
Irreconcilable differences is kind of like the "other" option on a questionnaire. It doesn't really sum up what you mean, but it isn't any of the others either.
@BingleBot@xanga - Sorry, I should have expanded more. I dont mean to say like EVERY person who wants a divorce is selfish. Like the OP said there are certain situations where a divorce is warrented. I'm talking about individuals in a good, solid relationship wanting to just go off on a dime with selfish intentions (ie: Not caring about what the other persons says or what happens to them) or meet someone who tickles their fancy for 5 minutes& ends a good relationship & end up screwing up their lives. Those are the ones that try to come back with their tails between their legs & end up feeling what they gave to a good person. They & the other man/woman in the relationships are the ones writing the letters to Dear Abby I mentioned too.
A mature individual will be honest & upfront with their feelings, not just go to the courthouse & file papers blindsiding someone. That's what I meant in my original comment. I hope that clears it. up! =D I completely understand that feelings change overtime & some people have short periods of love & dont make it to the end of the rainbow, but honesty hurts less than a lie or deceit.
@Shinbi_Belldandy@xanga - Oh yes, well in those cases, I completely agree. Then again, it's better for the other person they divorce, in the end. Because who wants to be with somebody like THAT, right? Still a crappy way for somebody to be, IMO. Glad we cleared that up! =)
Psychological problems, battering, abuse. I think those are irreconcilable differences. Also things that violate one person or the other's religion. Like infidelity can be forgiven, but it can also be a reason divorce is allowed.
I agree on all counts, that marriage is work and divorce is often quitting. But I think there are circumstances that affect relationships over time. People change, situations change, and while I do think that people shouldn't get divorced as easily as they seem to, I feel that if you are in a marriage you aren't willing to work on, it is time for it to end. if you're not going to try there isn't a point anymore.
@tofloataway@xanga - Pretty much took it out of my mouth.
@aotolife@xanga - "Marriage is hard work. That's the reality of marriage! But it can also be very rewarding!" It can also be the biggest mistake someone ever made. Getting out of my marriage has been among the top three best things I've done in my life. Whether you added the "BS" or not, you write as though "irreconcilable differences" is just for quitters--the lazy people who don't care about making their marriages work. But since you're not a part of everyone else's marriages, you don't really know, do you?
@vicdaily@xanga - actually that's called "unreasonable behavior." Cheating also normally falls under this category.
@lapis_lazuli917@xanga - divorce isn't quitting. it's never an easy decision. Quitting is waking up one morning and leaving when the other person doesn't know anything has changed. Divorce is not quitting, and it's not right that you say it is.
You have many good points, but I still disagree. Sometimes there are things that come up in the marriage that can't be resolved and that leave a huge bruise in the marriage. Sometimes the fire in the marriage completely dies out with no way to renovate it. Sometimes, people marry and think it's going to be awesome, until they realize that it's not as fun as time passes down the line.
Sometimes the marriage is bad as hell (see domestic violence) and it has to end. Going on domestic violence, is it wrong for a victim to break off completely with his or her attacker and not seek to reconcile their issues? Mercy is not a given gift all the time, especially if repeated again and again. Divorce isn't quitting as tofloataway points out, but merely an escape from a legal clause nor is it a cheap way out of fixing a relationship, but sometimes, it happens among people.
we always trying to reconcile something is just reasonable or seasonableness if we don't believe the truth.