Thursday, 09 December 2010
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How I Knew I Was Ready to Break Up
Roughly a month ago, there was a post on Lovelyish showing a chart of when the most Facebook breakups occurred. One of the tallest 2 peaks was a little before the winter Holidays. I'll admit it, I looked at that chart and laughed. Yeah, sure, I thought, a chart can really tell me when I'll fall out of love with someone! Basically, I tempted fate. Guess who's single now. I'm the one who did the breaking up, so emotionally I'm quite alright, but I thought it was funny that the post I'd laughed at had turned out to be wiser than I. But after 10 months, a breakup wasn't that easy for me. Here's how I finally knew when it was time to kick the ex to the curb:
1. I wasn't attracted to him anymore. Whenever he went to kiss me or get frisky, I was less than into it. It felt like the lunch lady was trying to grope me. In terms of mental attraction, that was an even bigger tell than the physical attraction. He had never really been as "academically inclined" (read: nerdy) as me, but suddenly everything he said was moronic. I couldn't stand to have a conversation with him, it was like trying to have a serious important talk with a kindergartner. Except not as adorable.
2. I didn't have any time for him. There were no schedule changes for me, but slowly there was less and less space for him in my life. Obviously this had nothing to do with time commitments, but rather with priorities. I started subconsciously putting school, work, writing, friends, animals, tv shows, naps, shopping (you get the idea) before him. Looking back, I realize I was doing this long before I knew it was time to break things off.
3. I didn't want to talk about him with anyone. I've never been someone who likes to dish every little detail about my personal life to anyone who will listen, but of course there were occasional moments for most of the relationship where I would talk with my girls about our boys. Towards the end of the relationship, whenever relationships would come up, I would avoid talking about him, and if I was asked, I would make a joke and turn the topic back around to something else. I didn't have a single thing to say about him.
4. He never followed through with his promises. I know this isn't something that occurs in every relationship, but part of my great awakening was realizing that my guy had talked about so many things, from sending flowers to romantic dinners to surprise love notes. I guess he thought talking about it was the same as doing it, because never once did any of those things happen, which looking back is kind of a big thing to me, for 10 months of my life. Realizing that he was all words and no action was something that really cemented my change of heart.
5. He knew something was up. By the time I finally bit the bullet and cut him off, he had gotten increasingly clingy and paranoid that I was cheating, which I wasn't, or that I was out of love with him, which I definitely was. It must have been pretty obvious that I wasn't invested in the relationship anymore, even if it wasn't yet to me. His behavior made me realize I had to think about how I was acting with him, and if his fears were justified based on how I acted with him. Since I had lost so much interest, it felt like the relationship was already over, and he could feel that before I admitted it to myself.
All in all, it took me way too long to break up with him. I feel bad saying that, but it's the truth. If I had done it sooner it would have been better for the both of us. Have you ever had a tough time figuring out whether or not to leave someone?
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- From: sur_la_lune@lovelyish
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Comments (46)
I had this problem too, I dropped his ass in the Fall season. I don't feel one ounce of regret, his presence in my life was killing me.
I was the same way when I called it quits with my ex of nine months. I'm not sure how he took it since I never talked to him after, changed my number an moved three states away. I'm a runner and he terrified me in the end. I don't regret it.
This shows that you are mature, congrats on making a change.
The chart doesn't show when a person falls out of love.
The chart shows when people are most likely to break-up.
This means people may have fallen out of love way before they break up,
but people break-up more often after or before school to "ease" the break up and not add to the stress.
I just thought it would be wise to address your misconception on the chart
so that you get a better idea.
I do like your post thought.
It took a long time for my most recent relationship. I am always trying to fight for my relationships to make them work. However, we ran into a lot of problems (being LDR didn't help too much either) and because of that, I started to become distant and not feeling the same about the relationship anymore. It was hard to finally break it off, but I felt it would be better for the both of us.
I had a really hard time figuring that out with my recent ex....I was over the relationship a lot earlier than I even thought. When I actually stopped to think, I realized I hadn't been truly happy with him for about a year.....and when my friend asked if I would say yes if he proposed, I was like, HELL no. That was a big clue. Mostly I stayed in the relationship for the last month of it simply because I was too afraid to hurt his feelings by breaking up with him....now that is a clear sign.
About a month ago I broke it off with my ex of 19 months. My longest relationship.
A part of me was with him because I couldn't break the news to him (he is very sensitive and cries easily and becomes paranoid). He always thought I was cheating on him with my guy friends and he was emotionally unstable. He would punch bricks and fracture his knuckles out of anger and sorrow. After our breakup, he began cursing me out and started calling me names on Facebook, saying I'm a whore and such. I didn't want to associate with him and he didn't want to associate with me afterwards so we stopped talking to each other... for 2 days.He gets mad really easily now. He saw my boyfriend today and was yelling and cursing at everything. It was horrible. I understand that he would blame it on me... But he piled his anger and dumped it all on me, giving me guilt-trips during the time my father passed away. I was stressed even more due to his wild tantrums.
Story of my life.
As you have listed, all of the above were the exact same things that made me end it with him. I didn't want to lie to him any further so I thought our breaking up would be for the best. I prolonged our relationship out of pity and that makes me feel ashamed and I kind of regret not taking any action sooner.
Apparently after a year and half, your feelings for your SO is tested... My feelings fluctuated to the point where I realized that I was more comfortable with him as a friend than a "boy"-friend.
Congratulations for taking that big step!
I realized that I didn't love my ex anymore..and also for the fact that I didn't have time for him..and we were so far away..and the fact that I couldn't really see myself being with him anymore kind of made me break up with him.
I'm more than happy with my new relationship.
But I did like your post =)
It took me 6 months to break up with my ex. I just didn't have the heart to do it. I think a lot of what you said resonates with me because those were exactly the same feelings I had when I broke up with him, flaky, all talk, lost of interest, etc.
I have been in this place too. Most times it was because the idea of breaking up would greatly affect their life - I have a lot of guilt issues. For example, if we were living together, in MY place, and breaking up meant that HE would have to move out. Times like those, are tough. Especially when I was feeling a lot of the things you were - not being attracted to him, not having anything to say about him, etc. Eventually though, enough is enough and the natural instinct to survive kicks in, and anything you were putting up with before becomes disgusting and you have no choice but to kick them to the curb. I guess it happens to everyone now and then!
I was with someone for such a long time that I couldn't actually distinguish being mad at them and wanting to genuinely break it off. But eventually, I had something of a family crisis come up and the person I was with failed to act in a way that was supportive, or even remotely caring, and it made me realize I was just staying in a situation because it was easier to stay there than leave. By the time we broke up, I had distanced myself from them to a point where they saw it coming and basically did the same thing. Easiest break up ever.
Ugh, I'm going through the same exact thing right now babygirl. Only thing is, I've been with him for 3 years, so I'm not sure what I should do :(
Ugh, my longest relationship to date was like that. I stopped loving him awhile before we actually split and it was because I was so intent on making it work.
Not really. I have a hard time figuring out when i actually like someone.
that's how it was with my first boyfriend. i was kinda trying to give him the hint so it wasn't a complete surprise but at the end i really couldn't stand him anymore (and i still can't)
@MissHollyAnne@xanga - obviously i don't know much about your situation but my advice would be to break it off. if you know you aren't happy in the relationship now, then why spend more time being unhappy? i know it's really tough (i've broken up with three boyfriends and i cried almost every time because i felt bad for 'being mean' ... embarrassing) but you will be happier afterwards and he will move on in time. when you're young, you're still growing and you change and your relationship dynamic can change... you learn from your relationships and when you break up you take what you learned and apply it to future ones. good luck!
I had a guy I was dating for 4 months and I knew after 2 it needed to end. I contemplated breaking up with him constantly for 2 months but didn't have the heart to do it. He was emotionally detached, we faught all the time, and he rather be in a group setting than be alone with me. He stopped wanting to be with me sexually and he flirted with my best friend. The only reason I didn't break up with him right away was because I somehow was still very infatuated with him. I finally broke it off and I was a mess. I had to spend senior year with him (he had a class with me) and it was honestly the worst, cause it took me a long time to get over him. Which is hilarious in retrospect, because now I'm embarrassed I dated him in the first place.
I think these things are a lot harder when you're with someone for a long time, because you're use to that stability and friendship and just having someone there. I give props to those who are able to break it off without dragging it out a lot longer than it should be.
I was with my last boyfriend for a little over a year and a half. We were happy for about six months, I spent the next year being unhappy. I realized all the same things, slowly, and the kicker was spending Christmas out of town with relatives and he stayed home for some bullshit reason (it always was a bullshit reason for him skipping out of holidays, weddings, parties, etc.). I had such a wonderful time without him and I realized how much happier I was when I wasn't around him.
wow.
The only boyfriend that "I broke up with" (I put in quotes because he actually said the words), I just avoided like the plague. We were never meant to be anyway. It lasted less than 3 months. For the 2nd half of the last month, I just didn't return texts, phone calls, and before even all that, I made sure to get all of my stuff out of his apartment.
I'm just not emotionally available right now and it is not fair to my girlfriend of a year. But she has no job, no money, and no where to move out to. So I pick fights and complain all the time, she deserves better. I just don't know what to do, at all!
Just broke up with my boyfriend today. Don't know whether to regret it or not. I thought I was so sure about everything, but now I can't imagine life without him. I'm such a mess!
@music_of_the_heart08@xanga - If that's the case, I recommend talking to him and being as honest as possible. Odds are, if you don't feel RELIEF and you haven't ceased thinking about him, then you truly do care about him and do want him back in your life. Hope it works out.
@polarNight@xanga - Thank you so much. I haven't been eating or sleeping. I've been sick to my stomach, and I've even resorted to texting him a couple of times. I'm hoping I can figure this out and no longer hurt him. I would love to have him back in my life, but I don't know if he'll accept me again.
I'm on the other side where my boyfriend is still deciding whether or not to still be with me :( sometimes I just wish that he could just make up his mind already but were taking it one day at a time
I am currently in ambiguity of this, but a few of your first points really resonated with me.