Thursday, 09 December 2010
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Is It "Rebounding" to Start Dating Again After a Week?
I wrote the post Did We Have Sex Too Soon? maybe a week or so ago and published it to Datingish...and I was really happy with the advice I got for it, but I was also a little bothered.
There were a lot of comments about "rebound" and "stop comparing this to your old relationship", and it just annoyed me because he most definitely was NOT a rebound, if I felt that way I would have mentioned that I felt bad for using him. I knew he liked me from before and we both wanted to take some time before getting together. I honestly think it was inevitable to both of us after me and my ex broke up that we'd get together eventually. And that's exactly what happened.
Anyways, the point of this was to evaluate: How soon is too soon to have a new relationship after just getting out of an old one? If it's within the month, are you automatically considered to be using your new SO as a rebound? Is there a certain time that makes it clear that you're NOT going for a rebound? In my case, 2-3 months was enough for me to date someone I was already friends with, but people STILL automatically think I was on the rebound.
If you met a great person like, a week later, would you tell them you needed to wait to be in a relationship again? What do you think?
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Comments (51)
I didn't even read the post and I can answer this: YES!
@UnconventionalButterfly@xanga - maybe you should read the post before assuming you can answer it? it makes more sense once you do.
i think if you know you were both already interested, and it seemed inevitable, and he understands that it might be difficult since you JUST got out of a relationship, you should be fine. you've been friends for a while, so you know enough for it not to be a problem i think.
it's a rebound if you haven't taken care of all the emotional baggage from the old relationship before moving on to the new one. if a week's what it took then it's not a rebound
@BlackPoetrybyFG@xanga - Wellll said
it would be different for everyone depending on a lot of factors.
This post describes my life perfectly right now. I broke up with my (now ex) boyfriend about a month ago and started dating this guy I've known for a while about a week later. That sounds like I just jumped into his arms to save myself from the loss of security of the old flame....but that's definitely not what happened. We started talking as friends a while back, realizing we had a ton in common (we had actually known each other since middle school and now we've both graduated from college, but we had never talked before). After I broke up with my boyfriend, me and this guy planned to hang out over thanksgiving break for two days, and that turned into all day, every day. We started dating that sunday. The thing is, I wanted to be single for a while. I wanted to evaluate what I wanted in a guy and honestly, wait for the right man to come along. Well, he came incredibly fast, and although I feel bad for my ex, I am happier than I could have ever imagined. Sometimes this kind of thing just happens. He is by no means a rebound because I envision spending the rest of my life with him, if it works out that way. He is everything I could ever want or need.
I think people like to judge others on "rebound" versus simply a "new relationship" probably because they sympathize with the ex, which is perfectly fine. I mean, it sucks, but sometimes things like this just happen, and it doesn't devalue your current relationship.
I'll give you my experience. When I met my former boyfriend he was off and on with his g/f. We were good friends up until he just completely broke it off with her and began pursuing me. We hung out more and then he asked me out to which we very quickly became serious with each other. After a few months we became long distance and we knew this would happen at the beginning but we wanted to try. He couldn't handle it and neither could I so he broke it off with me. After two months he went back to his former g/f and then broke it off with her again after only being with her for a few days. We began talking again but it was difficult b/c again we live far away from each other.
So you could say in a sense that he rebounded with me but not really b/c he had wanted to be with me for a while and broke up with her to pursue me. When he got back with her for the few days it was clearly a rebound b/c he broke it off with her after we began speaking again.
It really honestly depends on the situation. And in yours I don't think it's considered a rebound especially b/c you both had feelings for each other beforehand. Now if you still have feelings for your ex then that's another story .
@BlackPoetrybyFG@xanga - agreed
@callist0@xanga - agreed
Yes. That doesn't mean it won't work out, but the odds aren't good.
personally, i would definitely wait over a week, probably about 2 months or so (obviously it's different for everyone) because i will need a lot of time to rid the feelings of the previous and start fresh with the new, otherwise my old feelings will jeopardise with the new relationship.
Yes, probably. I broke up with my ex in June and we kept seeing each other until the week before Thanksgiving. I'm pretty much over him now, and I could picture dating someone new right now if the right guy were to come along. But could I have dated someone new in June? Hell no.
If I broke up with my ex a week ago and got together with someone this week, yes, I would considered that a rebound for me. IMO, a week is too soon to get into a relationship with someone else. You just got out of a relationship seven or less days ago. Use that time to heal yourself from any emotional baggage that you are carrying and suffering from your last relationship.
If I met a great guy a week later (after my break up), no, I wouldn't jump on the wagon right away. I'll be upfront to him about just getting out of a relationship, taking things slowing, and perhaps get to know each other as friends first. After that, we'll see.
Personally? I need a big fat soul-searching period. Like, a few months of complete solitude and then at least a few more of VERY casual dating/possibly hooking up.
Then again, I'm a pretty reclusive person.
It's not really a matter of how long, but like @BlackPoetrybyFG@xanga said,it's more of if you have taken care of all the past feelings.
It's generally not a good idea to start dating when you are still thinking about someone else.
In your previous post, you came out of a 2 year relationship and got with someone a month after that. I highly doubt you could've gotten over someone whom you had a 2 year relationship with in just a month. Also, there is a possibility that your close guy friend was lurking in the background, waiting for your eventual breakup so that he could make his move when your alone and vulnerable.
If you meet a great person soon after a relationship, get to know him before you date. But hold off from actually dating until you've gotten over your previous relationship.
- Ficoy
There is no right or wrong time to enter into a new relationship. It really depends on the people involved. There are factors you both have to take into consideration. "How over your ex are you?" for example. That is something you have to figure out for yourself. It's going to look to the rest of on the outside looking in (so to speak) like a rebound, but that's because we don't know the entire story and we're basing our opinions off of what we know or think we know. So in the end you have to determine how much weight other people's opinions have for you.
Generally, the longer you date someone, the longer it will take to heal after the breakup. In my experience, I jumped into a new relationship rather quickly after ending my previous one (well, we were still in the process of ending it, we were getting divorced) and it didn't go over so well. I hurt someone I really cared about at the time because I couldn't focus on trusting that person, I couldn't make promises to that person because I was afraid to break them.....I also didn't take that person as seriously as I should have. Although that person is happy now with someone else, and I'm happy with someone else, the way I treated that person still haunts me in a way. As long as you've dealt with your demons and put your ex and your shared experiences in the past, then who's to say that it's too soon? I met my fiance while I was dating another guy, I met him when I was visiting my sister in another state. I couldn't get him off my mind, so I told my then bf that it just wasn't working and we parted ways. I almost immediately started texting/talking to my (now) fiance, right after breaking up with my then boyfriend. I guess you could say I was not that crazy about the other guy, lol.
I think that as long as you're happy, that's all that matters.It definitely depends on the person but who cares if other people think it's a rebound?
I started dating my SO two days after breaking it off with my ex. Everyone thought it was a rebound and yes, some of their comments "it'll never last" "it'll be over in a month" got back to me. Well guess what? We've been together for over five years now.
And I'm not even saying it wasn't a rebound because depending on your definition, it was. But just because I still had feelings for my ex, didn't mean I didn't have feelings for my SO. And he knew that. I was upfront about everything. I don't think I "used" him as he knew exactly what he was getting into.
I guess my whole life has been rebounds. Whenever I've ended a relationship, I've always thought to myself that I would remain single for a while and sort myself out but I never did. I would always meet someone that I liked and if they returned the feelings, we would begin dating. Yes, I wanted to be single but I didn't want to throw away an opportunity with this new person.
If I break up with my SO, I would definitely stay single for a while. I've never really been single and I could use the time to work on myself and not worry about a relationship. So I guess it wouldn't really be about getting over my SO, but getting over myself haha.
Yeah, it kind of is rebounding...I mean, you were just in a (serious) relationship, so to go after someone right after that means that you probably miss the attention/affection your ex showed you. Even if you met the person of your dreams after you ended a serious relationship, you should still tell them to wait and make sure you feel the same way after a couple of weeks. When I broke up with my boyfriend, I started liking another guy almost immediately, but two weeks later, I was like, what the hell was I thinking?
Why people try to use blog comments to figure out their own emotions, i'll never know.
I can answer this from some sort of experience. I broke up with my ex a couple days before Christmas of 2008. We had also just celebrated (not really. he didn't plan anything at all) our one year anniversary. I had come to the realization early on that we were not right for each other. I was just to scared to do anything about it. Then we had a huge fight, I realized I was cheating myself and others by staying with him, and broke up with him. A couple weeks later I started talking (like having really deep conversations) with this guy from my church. He was dating this other girl though so I didn't really think much of anything. He broke up with her a couple weeks later. I told him that I was sorry, but in my head I was thinking, "YES!!!!" We continued to talk and grow closer. And I knew I was developing feelings for him even though I told myself that I was NOT going to get involved in another relationship for at least a year. I tried to tell myself to stop feeling this way. It never worked. Then the sunday before Valentine's Day, he asked me out. He couldn't take me out on the actual Feb 14th, but we did go out the night before (which was friday the 13th I might add). And now we have a Valentine's tradition.
The point of this was that He and I have been together for almost 17 months(officially). It's been 22 months since our first date. And I do not regret that we started dating so soon after we both broke up with other people. This has been the best time of my life. And I can't wait for the years to come.
You do what you think is right. If you don't think it's a rebound, then it's not a rebound. Screw those people who doubt your relationship. It's your relationship. And it could be your best relationship ever. Good things sometimes come from not so good things.
@UnconventionalButterfly@xanga - How do you know?
@midge4ever@xanga - Because while most people think they're ready, you're most likely not. Unless the relationship was very short lived and you had no emotional connection to that person at all, it will take you more than a week to get over it. To me, its just rebounding.
It depends on the person, the seriousness of the previous relationship, the potential partner in question...basically, a ton of things. For me personally, when I'm in love with someone and it ends, it's going to take me awhile to get over the breakup/the ex. I may date casually, but rest assured that I am not going to be getting into another "serious" relationship for quite some time. When I love someone, I love them completely, and that doesn't just go away after a few weeks. I could never give my heart to someone new when I'm still in love with an ex.
@UnconventionalButterfly@xanga - Well then you obviously haven't met me or my boyfriend. We started dating each other a little under a month of when we both broke up with our SO's at the time. We've been dating for almost two years and marriage is definitely in our future. You can't really judge all relationships that happen shortly after a break-up on a couple rebound relationships. Because not everyone is the same.