Wednesday, 08 December 2010
-
My Ex-Boyfriend is My Best Friend...I Think
I have an ex who I will never be able to work with, in a relationship. He and I both know we don't work as a relationship. However we both love and understand each other unconditionally, it's how we have always been. We've been what we call "best friends" for years now, even though we live in different states and don't even talk every day, or every week for that matter.
I haven't been able to maintain a friendly communication with any other ex besides him. Recently I have even become good friends with his new girlfriend, albeit only through internet contact, but I really like her, and I like them as a couple; I think she's good for him.
Even more recently, he has stopped talking to me online, which was our main and pretty much only source of interaction. I can't help but wonder if it's maybe he has grown out of our maybe-sometimes-almost childish way of calling each other "best friend", or if it has something to do with her. I know she would never prevent him from talking to me, but maybe he doesn't understand that and he is limiting our communication because he doesn't want to get in trouble with her. We never talk about anything inappropriate and I never would, it's all legitimately friend talk.
It's just really irking me because he was always the one person I could go to for anything, and he never judges me or leaves me all by myself. He was reliable and understanding, and caring. I always felt like, no matter what was going on in my relationships, I knew I would have a die-hard friend to back me up. And now I feel like that's all been shattered, or I have been betrayed.
Is it wrong to feel this way, like I have been left out in the cold? Have you ever had an ex-turned-best-friend and had complications?
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: eatingabook
- Name: eatingabook
- Location: Modesto, California, United States
- About Me: I'm just a girl trying to get by day to day. Job-hunting, crocheting, tattooing, riding my bike, enjoying life, and drinking coffee like it's my job. I live with my boyfriend and our posse of pets. We are a fantastic team. I go to church on Sundays and the rest of my time is spread between looking for a new job, reading, cozying up in front of the fireplace, being online, texting, and cooking.
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 1 Views: 0 6609 Comments: 0 48 View all posts by eatingabook
Comments (56)
I had a best friend who I dated for a few months, realized that we were better as close friends and that was that. I think he still had a thing for me for a while after that but the realization that close friends were all we could feasibly be cooled that one off xP
Now he's studying abroad but we still talk sometimes! :)
Mine are mostly gay. *shrug*
normally i'd say talk to him about it, but if that's the main problem, i think maybe you should talk to her about it? see if there's something up with him or anything.
i'm close friends with both my exes so i understand how complications can arise.
I don't think there's anything wrong with feeling the way you do. When you said he stopped talking to you via internet, i figured it had something to do with her too, because maybe he feels like hes getting too close to you. (But then u said you guys dont flirt...so that doesnt make too much sense).
The reason why i thought that though is because an ex of my mine (pfft we only dated for 3 months & it was yrs ago), who i have been hooking up w on & off, got a gf last yr & i noticed we started talking less. I texted him to hangoout & when i finally got him face to face i asked why we hadnt been takin & he actualy said "well you know we flirt, i can't help it, idk why. so i felt like i should stop talking to you, its easier, its not fair to my gf". But as i said, this doesnt make sense with your situation.
I guess if i were you, i'd call or text him or w.e and ask why he hasnt talked to you! How long did u guys date for?
Um....this is the truth: you will never keep a best guy friend. When things get serious with a girl, they will leave all other female friends for the girl. I know this is true and I still have only guy friends, but it scares me. So it's also part of the reason one of my best friends and I are thinking about starting a relationship. If we don't want to lose each other in the long run, it's the only way to stay together at the level we're at right now.
I think this sentence gives it away. "he was always the one person I could go to for anything, and he never judges me or leaves me all by myself." he was the one person for you, but now you're not his #1 friend anymore. His girlfriend is. I don't think this means he doesn't care about you, but there seems to be distance and other things on his mind.
Just give it some time and space. If you're patient and understanding you will still be able to be friends (and he'll probably be asking you for advice about his gf if they have problems). But it's not going to be the same.
I think it's more complicated as outsiders to see people being friends with ex's than for those involved. But with that said; if you started dating for a reason maybe that something isn't entirely lost.
More than anything it sucks that people need labels and can't just interact with individuals on whatever level is comfortable.
There's someone else in his life now that he needs to put before you. He's probably not intentionally trying to do it, so maybe ask if you can talk to him about how you're feeling. That would be the best solution to your problem. Don't bombard him with questions, or just lash out with how you're feeling. Be civil and realize that there's probably a lot of other things going on in his life. Just because you lose touch with someone for awhile does not mean that they aren't your friend... Life happens.
@Forgotten_Railroad@xanga - I agree.
As one of the other commenter suggested above, I disagree that you should talk to the girlfriend about it. If he's the problem, you should go to the main source (him) and see what's up. Other than that, give it some time or talk to someone else about whatever is on your mind.
Even if the girlfriend was involved in his decision making, he's the one who made the decision to distant himself from you. But I don't believe that his girlfriend would play any part in this because like you said, you two have become "good friends" through the internet. It shouldn't give his girlfriend any reason to put distant between your relationship.
Truth be told - Even the strongest relationship and friendship don't last forever. If it does, it's very rare. In time, people change and along with it, relationship and friendship ends. The person that you once knew and share everything with can become a total stranger in the near future.
As a guy who has gone through a similar situation after growing apart from a previous best friend. It's not really anything that you can do. It's just something that happens with guys.
Now a little disclaimer, I do not know their relationship, so I'm only talking about what's happened with me, and what might be happening with him.
Sometimes, when a guy meets a gal who they really feel they're meant to be with, like, long term meant to be with, that person becomes their best friend. And it's not anything to do with you. And it's probably not something that can be changed. It's not done out of fear of making their S.O. mad, it's just something that evolves in their relationships with everyone. Guy friend and girl friends alike. But especially female friends. My suggestion, don't be angry. Just, get used to it. You'll probably talk even less than you do now, and your relationship with this man has definitely changed. But it doesn't mean that you have to be angry over. It sucks, but sometimes relationships just change and there's nothing that can be done about it.
@machinoir@xanga - I do agree, on the needing labels part. I don't see what could be wrong with us being friends, given the circumstances of us not having "relationship feelings" towards each other - even if his girlfriend, or my new boyfriend for that matter, were to look in on our talking they would see it's nothing to worry about. I guess it is rare though, so I can understand where the problems might come in..
@jared0169@xanga - Yeah, that makes sense. It just seems strange to me I guess because he has been dating her for a long time now, and living with her, and this strange mode he is in now only started a few days ago. I suppose it's possible for him to become "best friends" with her and not really need me in the same way, it just seems sudden. I am sure I will get used to it, but it still stings a bit for the time being. Thanks for commenting :)
@drunkdevotchkababy@xanga - This is very true, and probably the most likely scenario. In fact he may not even notice that he has put me on a backburner and maybe replaced our "best friend"-ness with his new girlfriend. But I understand what you're saying, and it makes sense to me, and I think it's probably the thing that's happening. Thanks :)
@RaunchyMess@xanga - We knew each other for about a year before we started dating, however only dated for about 6 months. Your comment and reasoning makes sense, it might be what's happening in a way. Like we don't flirt, but maybe he's concerned that it will go that way. I have always questioned his feelings for me - occasionally on certain days in the past he would maybe... go too far, I guess? Say things like "he would never find anyone else like me" etc. Maybe he doesn't want that to happen again so he is distancing himself. But I dunno, those days when he said those things are long ago. Who knows, guys are confusing, haha. Thanks for your comment :)
maybe you love him but you don't even know... :/
@JoshPak_Aka_WannaBe@xanga - I do love him, I mean, in a friend way. Like I don't want to lose him, but I don't want that to interfere with my current relationship or his. If I love him in a way more than friends, well, that complicates things. Haha
i was naive & thought we could be "best friends" but honestly when he stops talking to you when he has a girlfriend ( which recently happened to me 3 months ago) then clearly he must have thought of you MORE than a "best friend." Regardless of who he dates etc, if you guys mutually thought you were best friends, then you would have stayed it.
this is just my opinion from experience.
I have an ex that I dated for 5yrs and then we broke up mutually. He is my bestfriend. We don't talk frequently because he recently went into the military but I can leave him messages whenever I need to get something off my chest. He'll eventually get to me when he can. Anyways 1yr after we broke up I got into a relationship with someone else and he started to withdraw. I wasn't hearing from him hardly at all. I talked to him about it and he said he didn't want to be in the mix of my relationship. I didn't understand what he meant but he told me I made a comment about my new relationship and his and I relationship. He didn't realize I was joking about the comment. So the issue was resolved and we were back to normal. He is always there even after that relationship I was in broke up because the guy thought my buddy and I were too close. My buddy sat in the background trying to appease my ex trying to prove nothing was going down. So I don't know if you slipped up and said something to provoke his withdrawal or maybe his girlfriend might've. In any case talk it out with both of them.
you can't blame him for wanting to withdraw from his "bestfriend who used to be his ex" when he's in a new relationship with a new girlfriend. you may say you want the best thing for him, but ever considered that maybe letting him find that sort of a bond with his new significant other is the best thing for him? He was your security blanket, although you didn't work as a romantic couple should, you had a bond, I get that... But you two aren't siblings, you two used to date, and although you may know that it will never work romantically, no new girl friend wants to put up with that sort of a baggage, sorry!
but really, when you fall in love and want to be THAT person's best friend--as that person will become MY best friend, beloved, go-to-person--you can't expect that to stick! Even if the new gf is not jealous, even if he might not get hassled by the thought that maybe, ONE DAY, she might get uncomfortable, you should also let him find his own comfort level of keeping you as a friend. What I mean is, he's not going to stop caring for you.
But if you were his new girlfriend, why would you want to share him with his ex-gf who also happens to be in touch as his new bestfriend? Perhaps it's time you find your new best friend who can be your go to guy and leave him be?
I can never be friends again with my ex. Simply put, when we were dating he cheated on me.
Seven years ended this past Halloween.
Sad.
There a million reasons he may be cutting off the contact.
But if you're truly best friends, you'll eventually talk it out and reach a conclusion.
@eatingabook - Has he said "ill never find anyone else like you" since he's been with the gf? no right? Yea guys are TOO confusing haha. Yoour welcome!
My ex was my BEST friend. Now, I have lots of issues with my friends because I don't feel they come anywhere close to kind of friend he was.
Sucks soooo much. I friggin hate it.
My first... everything is now my best friend. Perhaps it was the fact that we were just teenagers for our disastrous year long relationship, and the fact that we spent years afterwards without talking, but now we have a completely platonic relationships. However, there seems to be a certain understanding that we each have to approve the other's new mates. We know one another on the most intimate levels (not just sexually), so we know who is right and wrong. It's confusing and I've had to explain the awkward situation to at least three new boyfriends, but I always make it clear that for no other man will I abandon him, and he does the same. Needless to say, our partners aren't always thrilled... but if they can't understand, then what's the point?
If it bothers you talk to him about it, but respect the answer even if it's not what you want to hear. That's my advice. My "best friend" who was my ex-boyfriend and I stopped being friends because of his girlfriend.