Tuesday, 07 December 2010

• Christmas Shopping for Him or Her: A Guide

  
  In less than three weeks, children around the world will be mesmerized by their relatives in Santa outfits; or perhaps just hobos with large garbage bags and white beards, walking dogs for cheeseburgers. No matter which version you get, a good time is sure to be had by all, as anticipation builds and last-minute shopping is done. However, Christmas shopping can become stressful not only due to time constraints, but because you just don't know what to get your lover and you're trying to keep it a surprise.

  Do you ask his friends?
  
  Do you rummage through his browsing history amongst links to the various free YouTube-like pornography sites in hopes of finding clues?
  
  Buying your man a hooker for Christmas may seem noble to a very small percentage of women out there, but for the majority, it's not a viable option. Guys, are you good at catching the various hints thrown your way? Or is it harder to Christmas shop for your girl than it is to choose between a session of multi-player Black Ops or a round of sex?

  Although I've always been a relatively easy person to shop for, I've had the misfortune of dating women who purposely make it a living hell for me to find gifts that aren't $3,000 Louis Vuitton bags or fabulous dinners with diamond-encrusted utensils. All joking aside, it has always been a mystery, where part of the gift ends up being the boundless dedication needed to find it. I'm not an ultra-materialistic person and would be perfectly content receiving a $10 gift card from Gamestop, but I've compiled a list of some gift ideas that may help those without a clue.
  
   

  1. The Beer Holster
  
  What better way to show your appreciation for an ever-expanding beer gut than a holster for those nice, cold, alcoholic beverages? Not only will your partner look sexy sporting this fine, genuine leather waist strap, it will also prevent those unfortunate spills that stem from untactful bottle placement. Wear it while cosplaying a sexy cop, cowboy, or even in the nude! This is truly a remarkable piece of equipment that is versatile and stylish. Don't hesitate to buy one, really. It's sure to be a hit amongst friends at outdoor grills and cops looking to take you down for both mocking them and breaking the open container law.
  
  

  2. The Sculpted Jewelry Tree
  
  It's no secret that most women enjoy wearing their jewelry, and often prefer it over any other type of gift during the holidays. Although they may have accumulated enough jewelry to stone you to death for being a bad boyfriend, it's often stored away in a box instead of being on display as a reminder to watch what you do. With this lovely tree, sporting a matte finish, you'll be hard-pressed to find jewelry nice enough to outshine the tree itself. It's just that gorgeous. With plenty of branches to decorate, your woman will surely forgive your lack of attention this year and beyond.
  
  

  3. Essential Oil Gift Set
  
  There's no need to be depressed from a pre-Christmas break-up anymore. With this kit, you can experience aromatherapy in many different flavors. Mix oils, experiment, alter your mood, and have fun. You never needed the nagging or the controlling behavior, anyway. Take control of your mood with Lavender, Eucalyptus, Sweet Orange, and Clary Sage among others. Instead of inviting your ex's best friend over for a rebound, fall in love all over again with the scent of self-worth and empower yourself once more.
  
  

  4. Chocolate Body Frosting Gift Set

  Sex and chocolate go together like Sarah Palin and stupidity. You can turn your bedroom into a baby-making chocolate factory with the aid of this set, which features a few different flavors including Caramel Cream and Wild Cherry Chocolate Frosting. Leave a trail of rich, hot, chocolate cream across his or her body, and create designs with your tongue. If being messy and getting sticky isn't an issue, you can cream it up in multiple ways and styles now, if the product weren't already sold out. Sorry.

  
  5. Christmas Themed Condoms
  
  Talk about a stocking stuffer! You'll get double the stuffing when you purchase this set of 24 assorted condoms, featuring Christmas themes ranging from 'ol "Saint Dick" to the iconic "Blowman" with a top-hat and carrot. Indulge in terrible puns while making love with these comically bad, yet fun rubbers. Tell your friends, tell your neighbors and gather up a group of people for a Christmas party unlike any you've ever had.
  
  

  6. Send a Pantygram
  
  A what? Yes, it's exactly what it sounds like. Thanks to the Internet and curious minds alike, you're now able to send a pair of heart-shaped panties with an attached message of your choice. Be creative, write the dirtiest things imaginable, make it anonymous. You can surely drive your man wild with this gift that will leave him guessing and horny. The note will lead him to an online message which he'll read, and you'll get a notification once the message is read.

  The panties come in a mysterious black envelope, and it's easy to set up. If you want to be sneaky, play it off like you've only gotten him one gift, which he'll personally received from you. In the event that he doesn't tell you about this mysterious envelope and keeps it to himself, you've got a potential manwhore on your hands. Sign it as one of his female friends for kicks, and watch the hilarity unfold! I don't condone this idea at all, but what you do with a pantygram is completely up to you. If you do it and get hilarious results, please share it with me for laughs.
  
  This list can surely grow to biblical proportions, but I'm going to end it here and allow you to add in your own ideas. 

  
  What are you getting your partner for Christmas? Is it difficult to find the perfect gift? Let's discuss.

  
  Sincerely,
  Nuñez Love Doctor
  
  Certified with a PhD in Terrible Gift Ideas and Not So Terrible Gift Ideas.
  
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