Two days ago all I could think about is how much uncertainty surrounded our relationship.
How could I have allowed myself to be in a relationship when I have so many other things I have to do with my life.
Cynical as it might sound, most relationships end, many are not even worth the time. It makes me wonder if this one is.
I love you, I adore you, you're beautiful, smart, witty, silly, charming, adorable, goofy, you are everything I've always wanted. Yet I find myself thinking these thoughts. You've accepted many things about me I was convinced most men never would, you tell me you love me, you say the most wonderful things- yet I second guess everything, I second guess you.
Today I left for home, I'll see you in a month. I should be happy to have this space, now I have time to think, to contemplate these thoughts- yet all I can think about is how much I miss you.
I was the one contemplating the relationship and now I am frightened I might lose you. You might after all decide that you don't miss me at all- and surely if that's the case it would be reasonable to move on.
All these conflicting thoughts are driving me in circles. I'm mad at you, I'm mad at you for making me miss you, I'm mad at you for making me care. Part of me wants to just soak in the moment of missing someone, the moment you are so sure you love someone, and the other part of me wants to prepare for the worst.
I want to ignore you, pretend that you are not there, I want to make you feel that I'm fine without you- all because I'm scared. I am so scared to do this again. I am scared to be left devastated. I am scared to love you.
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Comments (15)
It happens. I was very afraid to love my boyfriend because of shit in the past too, but if you're going to let that kind of shit control you, then you don't really deserve a man. Sorry to sound harsh, but love is for those that are willing to put the sweat equity in to reap the rewards, in my opinion. I was not in this giddy, in love phase with my boyfriend in the beginning, at all. It was because I was afraid of getting close to him and I couldn't stop thinking about the past......once I focused on letting the past go and forgiving people in my past, as well as myself, then I was able to love him completely. We are now engaged and the happiest we've both ever been. You want to make it work and give it the shot it deserves, then stop being afraid. Fear is for pussies who are too afraid to live their life. Live your life!
@cubancutiepie@xanga - agreed.
To be it kinda sounds like you're not ready for a relationship if you're having these thoughts.
My ex lost me because of this process. Don't be like him :)
I dont quite agree with the above two people. I think. You are being very rational about your rrelationships. And thats the way to be. Its good to see theres someone who might have similar priorities regarding "love and relationships" as I do.
I feel the same way. I have zero faith in any future relationship I might have
@PseudoEuphoric@xanga - Sure it feels great, but then it's gonna hurt even more when your heart gets broken. So really, it's all just a waste of time.
It's fine to second guess things to an extent but if you blow it out of proportion eventually every person you date is just not going to put up with it. I've gotten close to completely pushing away my boyfriend of 5 years for this bullshit. It's fine to question. But when there is no need for questioning it just makes you look unsure of yourself in the first place. If you've been through some shit that makes you have trouble trusting people you might want to take a break from dating and focus on that.
If you're scared, just let things happen naturally. Take things slow if you need to.
You don't want to leave someone hanging, not knowing what is going on!
@PseudoEuphoric@xanga - agreed
='(
@PseudoEuphoric@xanga - agreed.
brainstorming these things means that you really like and care about him. I feel a similar way when I really like someone. if I don't really like him, I don't care to even give first thoughts nevermind second thoughts about him. I actually think it is considerate of you to think about these things before entering a relationship. my ex last year withheld feelings from his past and had issues to overcome, so I was basically his rebound and he knowingly selfishly messed with my heart, which was cruel of him. if only more people would be more emotionally ready before starting relationships.
I hear what you're saying. I feel similarly. There are so many other important things in my life right now and relationships are TERRIFYING so I was afraid to walk in and I didn't want to get too hooked but I couldn't help it. I'm scared and afraid to fall deeper but at the same time... why not?
relationships are overrated, sweetheart. people need to come to terms with the fact that relationships are just excuses for people to fuck without feeling slutty. at least i have the balls to admit it.
@WannaBeFit73@xanga - glad i'm not the only one who realizes this.
I am a man, and after read this, I understand your situation. You are afraid, and you don't know what to do. And eventually you end up getting nowhere.
What you are doing now is stressed about something, and you hope it will be solved... magically.
If I, as a guy, see you look stressed about something, I will ask you what's wrong. But you should not say, "there's nothing" and let me guess. And you won't say a word if I guess wrong. I won't understand what you actually want.
Let me tell you what to do. All you need to do is tell your boyfriend what you have written above, and things will go what it supposes to.
Wow. Totally looks like a page out my the journal of my last relationship lol.