One friend once told me a deep insight he learned about dating:
"Men want women to stay the same, but they end up changing. Women want men to change, but they stay the same."
I've definitely seen this played out.
Women (in general) get less playful and more bossy, while men stay relaxed and playful. However, women are motivated and work harder to grow, while men are often content as their flawed selves.
I especially see this in a growing world of type-A personality women fighting to be active members in society, while a lot of men get left behind. Women are starting to outnumber men in universities, and recently I have seen many Ivy League female and arm candy boyfriend couples.
This change in women could also mean that women don't present their true selves at the beginning of a relationship, and as they relax, they change - not always in positive ways. I have been guilty of this.
Do you see this pattern in your relationships? Is there a solution, or is this a catch-22 we must live with? And how easy / good is it for people to change?
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Comments (41)
When I saw the title, I was ready with my "It's bad to want to change the person you love," but after reading this, I realize that change IS inevitable. I've become more... wife-like with my SO, and he's become more responsible. We've changed a lot in the almost 10 months, and we still have a lot of changing to do :)
*thumbs up*
Very true. You can't really make a person change. Only they can change themselves if they see fit.. If a woman wants a man to change, perhaps she's with the wrong person? At least that's how I conceive it..
I'm pretty sure everyone changes. The difference is that women expect a certain type of change out of men. When they don't see the change, they say that a change didn't happen at all. Remember: a change for the worse is still a change.
This is what gets couples into a lot of trouble. They see their SO being a certain way in a few years. This extrapolation is dangerous because it makes you see someone as who you think they could be, not who they are or how they think they will be or even how they will actually be. Life is unpredictable, so it makes sense to date someone for how they are now, not how they will change in the future. We don't know how we will change in the future (in fact, we assume our personality will stay more constant than it usually does), so why worry about that right now? Sure, a person may end up becoming a different person than they used to be (in fact, they probably will), but at least you're not in a relationship with someone because you think they'll become someone else. What happiness can you really get out of that?
I disagree. I tried controlling my boyfriend this summer, but gave up. I tried to change how he treats me, but I realized the only thing I can change is how I treat him. I don't give him the special treats I used to. I don't drive over to his house during the week because he wouldn't do that for me. I don't eat out lunch with him family, since he doesn't eat out with mine. Most of our problems were money related because basically I would pay to do stuff with his family all the time, and then when I asked him to come over to my house he wouldn't want to pool out the gas money.
So basically I realized that I can't control how much he wants to spend on me, but I can control how much I spend when I am with him. I cut back to only driving over once a week, and eating out with his family from twice a week to just once a week. This is good for me, because I enjoy myself and don't get pissed anymore. It's fine that we always go over to his place, it's the way we both want it since my parents won't let him spend the night, let alone even have sex in our house and we are both college students who have been together a year. He also does have a lot of geniune problems with his car. But that still doesn't excuse him from acting cheap with me in the past and I do hold a grudge.
I am very independent. About 6 months into the relationship I was alot more clingy and focused on our future being together. Now I don't even think about him being in the picture long term. I'm just focusing on going to med/pharm school in Michigan, and if he wants to go out of State that he's own deal. I have a little dream future of being a single doctor with an adopted daughter, a corgi, and a fat brown cat :). Living in a lush condo in a nice warm place :D
Hmm this is interesting to me b/c in my last relationship there was a "supposed" change by my part even though I didn't notice it. When we began dating we were great together and there were things I wanted to tell him of my past but I thought it was too soon. He would always tell me I could count on him to tell him anything that could be bothering me him b/c I told him upfront that I had gone to therapy in the past for anxiety issues that stemmed from anger problems. He didn't really mind that and actually laughed at it a bit b/c he couldn't see me having anger problems b/c I can be pretty calm and quiet. But he didn't know I had been sexually abused in my past and like with other b/fs I wanted to tell him this either before we had sex or after. I waited until we had sex to tell him of my past and he also got to know how I was sexually. For some reason this all changed the way he saw me. He said at first he saw me as laid back and chill like him and then afterward he saw me as more dramatic. I honestly don't ever see myself as being dramatic and most of my family and friends don't see me this way either. I just don't think he knew how to take this information. He ended up breaking up with me a few months after I told him this but then afterward apparently changed his mind when he realized that I hadn't changed really at all that he had just gotten to know more about me. We were also in a long distance relationship so that didn't really help things and also I had become pregnant b/c a condom we used broke and then I had a miscarriage though I didn't tell him this until this past summer.
So is this really relating to personality changes or getting to know your SO better??
I think the change is inevitable especially if you're dating through high school and/or college. You are going to change through those years because you are still growing into yourself. I don't think people should set out to change their significant other. I do admit that I have asked my boyfriend to change certain things but only things that were negatively impacting our relationship and same with him towards me. You have to make some changes in relationships. I definitely don't believe that when you're in a 'perfect' relationship neither person asks the other to change. I think it's good for some changes, but it isn't always easy to change.
Very true. I've seen myself become more relaxed in my relationship as time goes on. Things that I would have let go at the beginning because I don't want to upset him, I can't anymore. I can't just not say anything as I have before! Haha but then again our communication has grown as well so we are able to talk about it. Rather than me just stifling my feelings. And the guy will never change. Very true, great article.
@Liquid_Pain_523@xanga - agreed.
i think women eventually change in relationships and become bossy because men can't do shit for themselves and men think with their penises. can't blame women
Condescending much? " women are motivated and work harder to grow, while men are often content as their flawed selves."
WTF?!
The only thing I've ever been able to change about my boyfriend is how he handles his anger. He used to always low blow if he got mad or over jealous. And I spoke to him briefly about it and now he's giving a warning and texts me whenever he isn't mad at anymore. Two months so far. Its going great. Although I have been trying really hard to get used to the communication that is lacking. I guess its better that we talk about everything when we are together and no text like crazy and rely on texting for our relationship. status . Not being so intertwined. But I know I need to change how I've started to become. The over anxiety is killing me!
no one can change anyone but themselves. You can invite them to move in another direction, but that is about it. People want to be loved for who they are. If you can't love your partner for who they are, and find yourself disappointed often for who they are not, it maybe time for YOU to move on. Not easy or convenient, but if YOU are the dissatisfied partner, it is not their duty to change for you.
Any true change we take on for our self for our own reasons.
I love this post! So true and accurate...
Everyone fucking changes.
@ccccourage@xanga - agreed. when I read that part, I was like uhh... wow.
men don't always stay the same -- there are guys who change to be perfect for their girl to live up to her standards.
Props.
i think there comes a time when there needs to be some changes but that's when life starts to happen and the change is needed.
I think both people slack off a bit when they get too comfortable in the relationship, then they take each other for granted or that is what usually happens in my relationships. then there's the gripe about who puts in more effort than the other and when you tell each other why you aren't content, bitterness starts to brew because you hurt their ego and make them feel inadequate
This is a stereotypical article.
Whether or not you're male or female, everyone changes in the relationship
to accommodate the other.
Women do not in general get less playful and more bossy,
and men do not stay
relaxed and playful.
Women are not always motivated and work harder to
grow,
and men are not always content as their flawed selves.
Women are not always fighting to be active members in society
and men do not always get
left behind.
Now you might reply back and say "Well, it's not always happening, but it is (IN GENERAL)." Uh, no. Sorry, that's not correct either.
There's a negative stereotype you're perpetuating here that is against males and females
and you're trying to sell it as fact. Not cool.
My boyfriend and I are nowhere near this description and many others are the same.
The ones who agree, well, their just looking for the connection, they're not really understanding the situation. It's called the Barnum effect.
I'm guilty of this in my relationship, lol. I have become less playful and whatnot. But I also think it's a matter of growing more mature over the past three years - I have concerns that are a bit more worldly than when I first started dating my boyfriend, and I've become much more confident in myself as well.
I only get more bossy and less playful because I want my man to change :P
Seriously thats the truth for me. If im not happy with a guy, its because something didnt turn out to be in my favor. Isnt that my fault? But on the other hand..guys are making promises they cant keep, and when women find this out they get fustrated. It takes two to tango.
@Kara_K - I agree, I threw a lot of overly strong statements into this article and I don't fully believe them. But I wanted to put out the clear cut images we have of men and women and see if people have interesting counterexamples. I'm surprised to see so many people agree though despite the harshness! (Though datingish does sometimes have a slightly feminist slant). I tried my best to say harsh things about both genders (bossy women, unmotivated men).
@sjunca@xanga - I think this is an interesting question - is it people actually changing or people just being themselves more?
I also wonder if this phenomenon is also related to (the general trend of) men thinking in the present and women thinking in the future.
I am definitely guilty about hiding my true self to a certain extent at the beginning of a relationship. In fact, I hid my true self from most people.
I was a lot more uptight before, and as time has gone on, i've been acting more like myself around my bf. More open.