Thursday, 02 December 2010

• Dear Everyone: Stop Thinking Sex = Love

  

  Sheesh! I want to bang my head against a wall every time I read an entry about "Does he love me, or just want to have sex with me?", which usually translates into "I'm not sure I should be boinking him, but if he has some warm fuzzy feeling for me, I can talk myself into it."

  "Love" is not a warm fuzzy feeling.

  Love, is a verb...a way of living and treating someone with respect and consideration.

  Sex is a PHYSICAL act, which may or may not be accompanied by either of the above versions of love.

  Sex can be about power, anger, hatred, or pure animal response, just as much as it can be about love or Love.

  So, then when SHOULD you have sex with another person? When you want to. When you have considered all the real life ramifications and have determined that having sex with them is good for YOU.

  Honesty is a huge part of this process. Deep down honesty. Some people have a hard time admitting to themselves or anyone else that they just found someone hot and wanted to fuck them. Then they wring their hands and cry "but I thought they loved/Loved me. Well...what if they did? Or what if they didn't? Maybe the person you should be focusing on is YOU!

  if YOU are not prepared to deal with the real life, physical and emotional ramifications of having PHYSICAL interaction with that person, don't go there. Unless you have a real commitment, preferably legal from that person, or have clearly verbally discussed all the issues pertaining to a PHYSICAL interaction they can walk away without a second glance and you really don't have anything to moan about. Assuming that just because someone was physically intimate with you they signed on for the whole enchilada is fantasy and denial of reality.

  If YOU have doubts, or know you will feel used,crushed, angry, hurt etc after having sex with them if they don't respond in a very certain way, check up front what is going on in their head (and be real honest about whether or not their previous behavior supports their response) or DON'T GO THERE.

  People get on Xanga and ask a bunch of strangers if "she/he loves me or just wants to have sex with me", when the truth is they should be asking the other person, and looking at the person's overall behavior for the answer. And he/she may love you, all warm and fuzzy, but not Love you. And if Love is what you are after, then Love is what you should hold out for.

  If all you want to do is boink, boink away.

  Sex is a real time PHYSICAL act. It is not about warm/fuzzy. People get confused. People 'give it up' because they let the warm/fuzzy distract them from what they really want or need for themselves. Sex makes babies, and nature made sex feel really awesome because that motivates people to do it, and make more babies. The sex drive can make us pretty stupid, bordering on insane, and when we want to boink someone we will tell ourselves and them all manner of lies, pretty stories and fantasies in order to get laid. Remember this. Remember this before, while you are still in decision making mode, and remember this after when you are asking yourself "what have I done".

  If you feel like you've done something stupid, and you may well have, cut yourself and the other some slack, remembering the real physical insanity that is chemically induced in the human brain when it wants sex. The best way to counter that is the good old fashioned "don't go there". Stay out of situations that are liable to make you dumb and let insanity take over. Each of us has our own threshold. We need to determine what it is, and come up with a game plan prior to game night.

  This can be "I am not going to get drunk and go home with a stranger" or "I'm going to do the first hottie I meet" or "I am waiting for a wedding ring". The only thing that matters is that YOU, in a time of clear headedness, have determined what your own parameters are, what consequences YOU are willing to accept. Because you have no control over the other party.

  So, the question becomes, "do I really want to have sex with THIS person, and accept ALL the consequences"...which might mean they call you 60 times a day for the next month, or they say "I'll call you" but never do. Or that they pass on some STD, or that one day you end up in happily wedded bliss. If you don't know the answers to the questions in your mind, I suggest you don't hop into bed with them.

  Some people are cool with the one night stand, it's what they are looking for, what they want, and they know what it's about. Others want more of a commitment. Don't assume, unless you've checked through word AND deed that your potential partner is on the same page as you. If in doubt...don't.

  In the end, we end up with what we choose. That is the honest truth. Denial and fantasy are fun mind games, but sex isn't a mind game, it's a real PHYSICAL interaction, with real life ramifications. love and Love don't have to involve genitalia.

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