Wednesday, 01 December 2010
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What's Better, Being Clingy or Being Too Distant?
One of the worst things a person can hear from the person they are seeing is, "You're way too clingy." It's a dreaded word all over the map of dating and people will do anything they can to avoid becoming so.You're the one who always calls or texts first, who is always pushing to make plans together.At first, your new SO is digging the time together but after a short amount of time, it starts to feel played out and they pull away. Then when you confront them and ask why you keep getting the cold shoulder, they throw out that dirty word: clingy.Because no one likes to date clingy, including other clingy people. Everyone likes their own space, their own time and there is no room for a clingy mate when you live a independent lifestyle.When a relationship starts up and one of the two parties shows signs of being "clingy," it isn't before long where the other will high-tail it out of there. So by being too anxious, you came off as clingy which ultimately pushed your new prospective mate away.So you try to learn from your mistakes and when the new prospective comes along, you take a different approach.You meet and have instant attraction. You successfully fight the urge to be a personal space invader. Maybe you're one of those who are not inclined to be one anyway. Either way, you're keeping your cool, and your distance, controlling the urge to jump around like an anxious puppy. You keep yourself at a moderate distance.You play a new game and make them chase after you and be the one who reaches out.Not long after, you feel the new emotions from your future prospect have sizzled out. They stop calling, stop texting and before you even know what's going on, they've completely disappeared from your life and it's over.I always seem to find myself going back and forth between approaches. Naturally, I tend to be anxious to chat up the newest guy I'm seeing, so I have to actively try to be aloof and coy. I have to work hard to make the conscious effort to make sure I never hear that word "clingy" ever again. But then, I start to come off as disinterested. And then the men take that cue to exeunt the stage.
Where is the happy medium here? If you try to remain aloof, you come off as disinterested and who wants to put in the effort to pursue someone who isn't interested in them? But if you give them too much, they run for the hills because they don't want someone tailing after them 24/7.What is the safest approach, since neither way seems to work? You could say to "just be yourself" but sometimes yourself doesn't cut it because, you may not know what you are doing, may not have a filter, or are just too all over the place. There are strategies for the beginning stages of dating so you can hook the one you desire long enough to get them from the first date to the official relationship.Where is the middle ground?Do you want someone to fawn and fall over you, giving you all the attention you could desire? Or do you want to keep themselves at arms length, only reaching out to you on occasion?Which approach works best for you?
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About the Author
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- From: JinXd_Icicle@xanga
- About Me: I'm hexed with regrets and bad luck Keep you distance 'cause it's rubbing off Or you will be damned to spend your life in hell Or earth with me tangled at your feet You finally met you nemesis disguised as your fatal long lost love So kiss it good bye Until death do we part You fell for a jinx for crying out loud
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Comments (29)
The happy medium just is that, the medium. Be happy to spend time with your SO, but allow them to have time for themselves and other friends too. You would appreciate having time to yourself just to unwind and such. I like to do both. I like to show that I'm thinking about them and want to spend time with them, but if they have plans, I'm fine with that.
I generally just go with the flow. If I want to see the person, I make sure they know. But I also let them know it isnt required to keep me. I give them space if they want it while still letting them know Ill always be happy to have them around.
The other is as bad as the other. =_= This is like asking if you'd rather eat somebody's crap or an animal's..
I tend to be distant and that never works in my favor because then my partner usually assumes that I don't care. But, neither of the polar extremes are good. I don't want someone to give me too much attention because I will confuse that with clinginess and it will freak me out.
I need the other person to at least show some interest. If they don't, I start to feel like an idiot even if I'm not doing anything ridiculous. But if he shows too much interest before I have decided I'm interested, it makes me uncomfortable, like he's pressuring me to make up my mind before I'm ready.
I think that, with the exception of extreme behavior, if the person is interested, you can do no wrong, and if they are not interested, you can do no right.
Unfortunately my happy medium ends up with the guy being clingy and then I want to high tail it out of there. :D
Everyone has their own determination of "clingy" and "distant". No two people think in the same way, there are Introverts who like space and Extroverts who can be described as clingy. Be sure you remember that you are not a unit and do need time apart.
If you want to see them every minute of everyday or you want your solo time, let them know. Communication is important.
I'd say being distant is better than being clingy, because at least when your distant, you don't look like such an idiot. It would feel worse to me to scare someone away than the push someone away.
It's hard to say. I'd rather my man be clingy IF I am interested in him. If I'm not sure what I want and he's being clingy, it pushes me away. If I'm deciding, I need my space, and I want to be with my friends more often. But, I probably wouldn't consider someone my boyfriend if I'm not interested in him. I've never really lost interest in a guy who I'm dating to say whether that would push me away in the later stages of a relationship. I'm always the one who gets clingy later :/
From experience, it seems most men prefer a little distance. I don't mean being cold, though. I mean, letting them initiate and then responding warmly (if you're interested, that is). It seems that even though most guys like clingy in the beginning, it wears on them. I would've liked it if my ex had been clingy the whole way through though, lol.
If I feel like calling, texting, or planning a date - I do it. If I come on as "too clingy," perhaps that person and I aren't compatible in that area. I like to spend time with my significant other whenever we both get a chance to and I hope he feels the same way. Of course, I also know that I need "my" personal space and so does he. But hey, clingy to me is wanting to be with your significant others every second of the day. Regardless if you are texting him or calling him every second of the hour. It's when you make him or her your life and you forgot to live your own life. But perhaps someone may define clingy not to that extreme as well. Shrugs.
Let me put it this way- when it comes to affection, if it's on my terms it's ok. If you're all up in my grill and I gave you no permission to be there, I'll shut down. Fast. I prefer distance. I need my space.
I'm not clingy myself, either. You're a big boy, you can take care of yourself, and if I have to worry about you all the time I'll probably just get rid of you.
There is a definite middle ground. You can ask someone to hang out without being all over them. I usually jedi mind trick guys into asking me to hang out. As a rule of thumb, I make sure the guy is putting in the same amount of effort as me. If I'm putting in more effort then he is then I might be coming off the wrong way and I also don't want to be with someone who doesn't make the effort to hang out and talk with me. My boyfriend has told me before that he prefers when I'm clingy, but I wasn't clingy until he moved to another state haha.
@laytexduckie@xanga - agreed
You can meet a guy who wants a girl who is busy with her own life and social circle so he doesn't have to be around her all the time... eventually, if he wants more time spent with her, he'd say she's DISTANT. If she grows to be more affectionate and wants to spend more time with him, he'd say she has turned CLINGY. The key is to COMMUNICATE.
When people stop appreciating each other for the behavior and mannerism that drew them into the person of interest to begin with, then themselves have changed, not just their clinger or distant s.o. If you want a MEDIUM playing field, you're going to talk about it... WHY do you want to spend more time with him/her? WHY do you need to more personal time/space? And even though you've expressed your need to spend more or less time with your sig. other, then you don't want the same relationship and either you make compromises to make it work OR you stop getting labeled with that ugly word that says too much or too little about one's insecurities and find someone who will LOVE you for all your clingy/insecure/distant/not-so-affectionate self!
I think this insecurity is hindering you wayy too much. When you go on a date, if you really like the guy and you think it's going well, make plans then and there for another one. Don't wait for him to call, or for you to have to call. Just say "well hey, let's get together sometime for coffee" or something like that. Also, I have to ask myself where you're meeting guys. It sounds like they're not giving you a real shot here. I've been like you though, I didn't call or text very much and I would usually wait till the guy initiated contact. Only times I have initiated contact are when I haven't heard from the guy and I get curious about what he's up to. My boyfriend now, he noticed that he would have to be the one to call or text me first because I wouldn't, it was only until after I was more comfortable with him that I would call or text first, but even then it wouldn't be regularly. I like it when a guy shows his interest in me, as long as I feel the same way. If you really like a guy, let him know! Don't be afraid to put yourself out there if you really like the guy. If he doesn't bite back, then move on and fuck him! You'll find the right guy in due time.
@laytexduckie@xanga - agreed
Insecurity always puts too much pressure on a relationship. If you're having that much trouble simply backing off and giving an SO some space, you need to assess yourself and gain a sense of your own independence and worth before trying to be in a relationship.
Agreed with an above commenter - if I feel like calling or texting them I just do it. But then there's the line between wanting to see/hear/talk to them and being a psycho. I cross that line quite a bit, I do admit. So I know I am always an affectionate one, but I need to know when I'm going overboard. It gets less crazy as you get older imo.
I'd take clingy over distant any day.
Beginnings of relationships are almost always tricky. As much as I'm against games, you kind of have to treat the beginning stage very delicately and hold back a little bit, otherwise you run the risk of scaring them off. Hold back too much, though, and they'll think you're not interested...and nobody wants to be throwing themselves at somebody who they don't think will reciprocate their feelings. So it's a very delicate balance.
I'm facing this issue myself these days. I just got out of a serious relationship and am not exactly looking for anything more than casual dating at this point, but there is a guy I want to get to know better and have some fun with for awhile (and if it ever turns into a "relationship" down the line then we can deal with that when we get there, but it's not really on my mind right now). I haven't wanted to be too forward for fear of scaring him off or making him think I want something serious with him, so I've been fairly aloof and was planning on letting the guy take it from here. Last night a friend told me I've played it TOO cool and that this guy probably doesn't even realize I'm into him, which would explain why we haven't really talked since the last time we hung out.
It's scary to put yourself out there when you have no idea how the other person feels!
I don't like these dramatic emotional rollercoasters. I'm taking a break. I quite like being single
My recent ex called me "dependent" yet it was him who was just plain neglectful. There were 2 weeks where we didn't see each other at all and he gave me no good reason except he "needed space". He ignored my calls and sms most of the time 'cause he "needed space". Bs if you ask me.
@jeezshoua@xanga - I agree completely with you. :]
hard to say... it really depends on you and the person you're chasing, if they're into you just as much as you're into them, the two of you won't know clingyness ever existed... but yeah, being distant is probably the worst of two, it just shows the person you're chasing isn't even that interested... probably using you, but who knows, maybe i'm wrong...
don't overthink it, because then you'll end up swinging one way or the other; you're not acting naturally. chances are if you just go with the flow you'll play off of him and it'll be natural and no effin games
@kor_girl@xanga - agreed !