Tuesday, 30 November 2010
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How Do You Know When To Let Go Completely?
About a month ago me and my boyfriend of 8 months broke up. We were arguing and... let's just say, he turned out to be a coward and nothing like who I thought he was.
The breakup came as a complete shock to me, and even now I still catch myself thinking about why it happened, because I honestly have no idea. Two days after we broke up, he was talking to someone else, and now he's dating her. When I asked him why he did not just tell me he didn't want to be with me anymore, he told me that that was not the reason he broke up with me. We were both mad and he "did not want to make a scene." So... yes, he is an idiot who makes no sense, I know this.
The dilemma I have is that a couple weeks after we broke up, he told me he wanted to remain friends and now texts me almost every day just to talk.
At first, I told myself I wanted absolutely nothing to do with him and that I would never try to get back together with him, but when we started talking again, I started feeling.. something. And then he would just say things that would confuse me, like that since we broke up he's been "lost", or that when we were together I made him a better person and now he just does stupid things and doesn't care.I'll be okay with the whole situation for days, thinking I'm over him. And then he says something, and it's like all the progress I made emotionally just disappears. I'm pretty positive he's not going to break up with his girlfriend, so I don't know why he says stuff like this. But it just messes me up, and I can't deal with it anymore.
So I guess the best thing to do would be to cut off contact, right?
I know that's what I need, but for some reason it's good knowing he still cares enough to be friends and if I cut that off, then I'll have no connection with him whatsoever. I don't know which would feel worse, having him confuse me and put thoughts in my head or not having him in my life at all.Which would be better for me emotionally? Have you ever been in this situation?
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- From: xLaurenFaceeex@xanga
- Name: xLaurenFaceeex
- About Me: i'm 17 & i'm just living life. i guess this is where you can find out more about me than lot of people know.
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Comments (44)
Stop talking to him completely. You need to make emotional progress. He hurt you, and now he wants you back so soon? I think he's taking advantage of you at the moment. If you get some space from him, for longer than a month, you will be able to be yourself again, not dependent on his messages and how he feels. You don't need that. If you two are supposed to end up together, it will happen the way its supposed to and because you really want that, not this way.
If he cannot make a decision, he simply does not worth your time. Find someone who can appreciate you much better than him.
From personal experience, cutting off contact (at least for a while) would be more beneficial for you emotionally if you're trying to get over him. Otherwise, yes, things tend to get tangled between the constant cycle of one step forward, two steps backward, and that's no good.
Maybe you guys can be in each others' lives later on, but not until you've both grown separately from one another. And honestly, if he really is a coward and an idiot who makes no sense and seems to just be playing games with you, then you deserve better!
I'm going through almost the same thing as you right now. Hang in there. And if that douche has to immediately find some lameass rebound, it's best to stop hurting yourself and just cut off contact with him. It'll be hard, but you'll thank yourself later.
I agree---stop talking to him. He's making communication be on his terms...when he needs you. Meaning, if he decides to stop talking to you, it's like he's breaking up all over again and you are the one left hurt. And besides, he gets the best of both worlds because he gets you and his new girlfriend. He's being selfish (I think).
Anyway, I think it hasn't been enough time since you broke up. If you cut off communication right now to start healing and assess where you are and what kind of relationship you really want, you'd be in a better place in another month. You should focus on you...get together with friends, get a massage, do something for yourself.
xo
Kelly
I agree---stop talking to him. He's making communication be on his terms...when he needs you. Meaning, if he decides to stop talking to you, it's like he's breaking up all over again and you are the one left hurt. And besides, he gets the best of both worlds because he gets you and his new girlfriend. He's being selfish (I think).
Anyway, I think it hasn't been enough time since you broke up. If you cut off communication right now to start healing and assess where you are and what kind of relationship you really want, you'd be in a better place in another month. You should focus on you...get together with friends, get a massage, do something for yourself.
xo
Kelly
Cut off contact. trust me. I tried to stay friends with the guy, he turned out to be a psycho freak, and as much as it hurt initially to cut him off completely, now if he crosses my mind, there's...nothing. Blank. Empty. Painless. Like a polar bear in a snowstorm. It's not worth the confusion he'll cause and the games he will play to try and keep him around. He will play you and use you and leave you worse off than you were before. There are better guys out there. I promise. <3
Personally I would tell his new girlfriend the things he's saying to you. I don't think she'd be happy about it but I mean, she deserves to know! And who knows, maybe that could be a deal breaker for them. Then he'll be alone and perhaps come crawling back to you. At that point its up to you what to do. But at least you'll have the upper hand.
Cut it off. Im kinda where you are, even though the permanent break in my 4 year relationship happened 6 months ago today, its still hard sometimes to let the memories go, even the bad ones. The only way to completely emotionally move on is to get away from the person whose fucking with your emotions.
I agree with a lot of these comments. Cut off contact with him. It seems like it's only going to be a tangled mess with you and him. Better to save yourself emotionally from it.
I was in a similar situation. It took me a long time to figure it out, but I finally cut off contact and started focusing on what made me happy. Now he's in the process of figuring out how to go back to being who he was, I know what I really want right now, and we're starting to figure things out.
Not saying that cutting off contact is easy, or automatically going to make him shape up and realize what you need, but it wasn't until I figured out what I wanted did my life start getting better.
I hate to say this, but I personally believe it would be for your better emotional good to just sever all ties with the guy. He's doing nothing but stringing you along emotionally. You're his backup plan for when the current relationship goes bust. He wants his cake and wants to eat it, too. You're trying to heal emotionally and move on with your life, and it's not going to happen with him stringing you along.
I went through this with my one friend, too, and one day I just got sick of it and stopped letting him lead me around. And when I did, my life got better. I met someone who was interested in me for me and not for just what they could get out of me.
I agree with all the other commenters: Cut off contact - I've been there. And trust me, it's EXTREMELY hard because I was the type who remained friends with most of my exes... but in my one particular case, as fun and friendly as the guy was, it actually ended up being better to not have him in my life at all (even though it was difficult initially). The truth is, once you get your mind COMPLETELY cleared of him, in retrospect you'll see that he's actually not even worth having as a friend. Judging by how quickly your ex had moved on, he only "cares enough to be friends" for a reason.
Good luck!
Seriously? Just ask him what does he want from you. If he's bothering you like this, does this mean that he's not satisfied with his new girl?
But honestly, I think the best thing to do is just stop talking to him completely. I think you will forget about that feeling and finally realise that you're better than that
I echo what everyone else said. Cut him off. Do not let him mess with your feelings like that. Continuing to talk to him will not help you get over him.
Story of my life. And I had to endure seeing his face everyday for a school year. Not so great. But in the end, the best thing is to seriously stop talking to him. You need to heal and he needs to... get on with his life. It's not fair to you. He needs to back off and the only way you'll ever get over him or even be okay with talking to him and not feel "something" is to stop talking. Maybe you two will eventually be able to talk later on, but right now, the only thing you can do to not feel so confused or whatever about him is to stop talking to him. It's hard at first, but it gets so much better. :)
From all the comments, it's pretty clear.
1. He's still into you.
2. Don't communicate with him in any way if you want to completely get over him.
Hmmm...sounds like the girl is just a rebound. If he still talks to you, obviously, he has a bit of feelings left for you, but for some reason he is with her. When my ex of last year called a break, that day he started flirting with one of my firends, and her personality is like a really shy person and the reason he chose her was because she won't say anything because she is too scared, so anyway, what happened was 2 days later we broke up. Thing is we have the same friends, we go to the same school, and we live in the same dorm building. So of course, I didn't have time away from him to really assess my situation and all, and because of that it took me a while to get over him. After winter break, he came on to me, and of course I saw what a real coward he is when it comes to realtionships. And of course, he came on to me again this year. Thing is, sometimes exes won't let go. With my more recent ex, we stayed away from each other ever since we broke up, and it's been easier on me. Though I don't know what I would do if I ever see him again...but yes, sometimes, you do need time apart, and if you are in contact with your ex, sometimes they come running back like in my experience. I wish I could help, but there's really not much I can do...
I broke up with my bf of 5 years a little over 7 months ago. We moved out of the apartment we shared together, and a week later he was talking to another girl. I left it alone for awhile, but then I found stupid reasons to call him about bills or cleaning out the apartment etc...We ended up sleeping together while we emptied our apartment, and the next day he left the other girl and started calling me every day again. The girl was a rebound, it's what guys do to get over something painful for them that they can't really deal with.
So I got him back, but things still suck. Now I have to deal with the added stress of knowing he had sex with someone else while we were broken up. We still fight all of the time, but we continue with the same song and dance. DO NOT MAKE THE MISTAKE I HAVE MADE. Give it time. Time heals all wounds.
I was in a similar situation. We're actually dating again now and have been for almost 2 years, but we only dated for five months previously. He started dating someone a few weeks after we broke up and I was really upset. We cut off communication immediately and we talked sometimes, but we knew we weren't in the right place to be talking and we weren't ready. We didn't talk for 5-6 months and during that time we realized that we did want to be together when we were ready. I'm not saying that you two are going to get back together, but sometimes you need to cut off communication with people especially when it starts getting unhealthy. It sounds like he wants to leave you hanging around in case things don't work out with his current girl.
Agree with the above comments. It seems like you can do a lot better than this guy.
Yes what everyone above said but extra thought:
I almost think that in people's relationships now a days, once they have one big fight than that means they break up. FIghts are fights but DEPENDING on the situation it should really be worked out. There's a give and take, a balance too.
Stop talking to him. If he really wants you back, he'll leave her. It sounds like he's having some kind of second thoughts already, but you deserve better than to continue on an emotional roller coaster because of him.
You should cut off all contact. His "reason" for breaking up with you was bullshit. You deserve better than someone who wants to do nothing but confuse and string you along for their own personal gain. I've been through this once. It might be hard for now and feelings for him might go away and then resurface but once you cut off all contact, you'll realize that better awaits you. You'll realize that he isn't worth it.
He could bipolar and/or have abandonment issues. I know one of my friends was going through the same thing a few months ago. I would say cut contact, but that is easier said than done. Good luck.