Monday, 29 November 2010
-
Does Taking Precautionary Measures In Case of Divorce Increase Your Chances of It?
My mother once told me that when I get married I should have a separate savings account in case anything went wrong in the marriage. It should be completely under my name and my husband cannot have any access to it whatsoever - he shouldn't even know about.
We were discussing this while in front of my uncle, who is a pastor of a Christian church. You could tell he was listening in by the way he looked disapprovingly at his older sister.
"You should have your own money in case you get a divorce," my mom said. "He could take everything that belongs to both of you away because it is under your name and his, but your money he cannot touch. You can use the money to fall back on - to get an apartment, to feed yourself, to buy a car in your name, to have things of your own."
"Wait." My uncle waved her down to stop talking and he looked seriously at me. "Yes, you should have a side account, but by having a side account and savings away from your husband or even your spouse is to say that you are planning for a divorce. If you plan your safety from a divorce you are planning a divorce. You are making a plan to fail. You are making 'what if' become a 'it will happen' situation.
"If divorce comes up," he continued. "You or him will think 'Well, I saved money for this situation so I'll be okay if we get a divorce' which will make you more prone to thinking divorce solves everything instead of forcing two people to work at the marriage and ask the right questions like 'why are we fighting,' 'how can we solve this problem,' 'why do I love him / her,' 'why should we stay together?'"
Both my uncle and my mother had good points. In case we get a divorce, I want to have money to fall back on, but I do not want us to plan to fail, either, merely by having that added security.
What do you think?
RecommendRelated Posts
Post a Comment
- Back to datingish's Datingish Site!
- Note: your comment will appear in datingish's local time zone: GMT -05:00 (Eastern Standard - US, Canada)
About the Author
-
- From: VanillaJourneys@xanga
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 1 Views: 0 1392 Comments: 0 29 View all posts by VanillaJourneys@xanga
Comments (29)
i think having a separate account is a good idea, hiding it from them not so much. if you want separate accounts you should discuss it with him, and he should have the option of doing the same. make it clear that you don't want to assume the worst, but being prepared is just making it so you can rest easy.
When I got a divorced, my ex and I went 50/50 financially.
Our bank and our credit cards were under both of our names, so it make sense. After we paid our portion, we canceled it. Or if one or the other still wanted to keep it, whoever wanted to opt out, did so.
It's a good idea for a 'back up plan' but then again, why would you need it? Unless you are already planning a divorce someday. Blah. Just go with the flow and work out your differences when you get there or if it does happen.
it means your already planning on it..
I think that if you think there might be a chance for divorce with the person you are currently planning on marrying, then you shouldn't marry them. A marriage is a promise you make to each other and you stick with it through EVERYTHING! Have you read marriage vows before? It's the same thing with pre-nups, you're basically making the divorce arrangements before they happen, which will lead you down that path. And I'm sure that's not a path you really want to go down.
Rage For Love
I think any added security can't hurt.
Setting yourself up for failure. IMO.
@dude_this_world_sux@xanga - Agreed
@aotolife@xanga - I agree with you on the pre-nup. If you don't know me well enough to know that you don't need a pre-nup, why are you marrying me?
I would do a separate savings account just in case. My boyfriend and I have talked about it before and he sides with your uncle, but I don't think it's preparing for divorce. Asides from the fact that you're preparing for divorce, you're also suppose to have a few different bank accounts. A bank is only liable for a certain amount of money in your account and so if it gets hacked or if the bank goes bankrupt, they only have to pay you back a certain amount in most cases. My economic teacher in high school always told us that it was best to have multiple bank accounts and that's when I planned on doing it and then I realized that if a divorce was to ever occur, I'd have an account with my money anyway. My parents have a few different bank accounts and my mom has one that's just her own. They've been married for 30 years and I can't see them getting a divorce anytime soon, but my mom still has her just in case bank account. I think it's a good idea. Of course, you shouldn't marry believing that a divorce is possible, but people change and things happen. I'd rather have the separate bank account then having to sue for alimony or something just in case something were to happen. I'd hope I'd be able to work it out with my husband if we got to the point of considering divorce, but if not, I'd like the back up.
That's like saying if you're going skydiving and you have an extra parachute, you're planning for the primary to fail. Do you WANT your primary device to fail? NO. But you damn well don't want to be in that percentage that DOES have some sort of malfunction without something else to back you up, do you?
For the record though, I do think hiding a separate account is an awful thing to do. That has far more serious implications than a pre-nup.
My mom actually told me the same thing when I moved in with my Boyfriend. It never hurts to have money to fall back on, and you really never know when you'll need it. Even if you don't need the cash to fly back home, or to buy a car, or rent a new apartment if things don't work out, you still have all that money saved up for emergencies. Like what if you lose your job tomorrow, and bills are due by the 15th.. oh wait, you have a $1000 in the bank... Having a full savings account is never a bad idea.
@TheLizarellaProject@xanga - i completely agree with your parachute analogy.
@aotolife@xanga - i think a pre-nup and extra bank account are different, in that a pre-nup is kind of like saying you don't trust them initially, so it says something about them, but a bank account is like being extra-prepared, which only says something about you.
I agree with your mom. Besides, if it's that easy to leave someone just because you have separate accounts and a problem, then you probably dont want to be with them that badly.
There is no point in hiding it in a separate account better off hiding it in cash someplace or a trick I learned from my dad is hide the money in gold bullion brought here and there. The thing is any competent private investigator or court order and credit report check can reveal a hidden account if it is registered under your name and social security number. A pre-nup can't hurt either. Love is one thing but realism is everything. And don't get cute and try to hide the money under a kids name or maiden name that can be found also. Divorce is a big business and during my days I worked part time as a private investigator I can tell you right now hiding money in a bank account is pointless. Hide the money as cash and place it in a self storage place or a non financial institution safety deposit box or better yet hide the money in gold bullion.
Now remeber hiding money is one thing but don't try to hide it from the IRS... they will eat you alive.
Your uncle is right.
I won't plan for failure. My boyfriend and I have very strong feelings about divorce. We have both decided that even the word won't cross our lips at all (never). We won't plan for a divorce because it won't happen.
TheLizarellaProject is right!
And . . . Evil10 has some very useful tips!
Both my LIB and I come from divorced families: his father has been married 3 times, his mother , step mother (the one that raised him) and my dad has been married twice and my mom is the only one who still doesnt want another partner (yet), so we know that divorce is a reality and that although we love each other so deeply, we know that people change and in 20 years you are not the one that your partner got married to.
We learned a lot of our parents failed relationships, we are living together first and planning on getting married in a couple of years, we have an amazing relationship, we have very good communication, and each of us has its own bank account, car, and savings. The rent and all the expenses are divided 50-50 and if he pays more than me, I take the check next time we go out.
It works for us, and its not that we are thinking that a divorce or a separation its gonna be easier, but I think that you have to be smart, and in something as important as money or the house, you need to think with your brains instead of your heart.
@TheLizarellaProject@xanga - Superb analogy. Well put! And I agree completely. Always have a safety net. Also, this might be a bit morbid, but what if your husband dies or goes bankrupt? As the saying goes, "don't put all your eggs in one basket."
In a divorce, even if you have the money set aside, he can take half of it, especially if he's not working. My husband has a separate account, and we're going through a divorce now, and I can almost guarantee you that he will owe me some of that money to pay the bills he's been skipping out on.
@dude_this_world_sux@xanga - I think you hit the nail on the head. I don't believe it is correct to say that you plan on a divorce if you set money aside. My mother was in a relationship with my father for 22 years; they had a joint account for all their money. However, once my father found he needed to leave the relationship, he pretty much emptied the account entirely, leaving my mother with nothing. She remarried, and although she plans to stay with this guy for life, she is not willing to open up a joint account again. It's just an extra measure of safety. To hide money from your partner though...does seem a bit untrustworthy.
Whether or not you and your spouse open a joint account is a matter of personal preference. There is no financial advantage either way, so it all boils down to your threshold of trust. In my personal opinion, a good option is to open an account in your name only, but allow the other person to have access to it. This is an option offered on many modern accounts; it's like having a joint account, but if things begin to become chaotic, it's a lot easier to revoke the person's access to your account rather than going through the red tape of a joint account.
If you're relationship is at the point where having some extra financial security is all it takes to make or break your marriage, then you were probably ready to leave anyways. Financial dependency is never a good reason to stay and try to work through things.
what about be financially secure and independent before getting married, so you won't be dependent or worry about him possibly taking everything when you get a divorce.
I would be beyond pissed if I found out my husband had a savings account for a situation like this, especially if he was keeping it from me. To me, that just seems as if he is already planning on our marriage to fail. But if him or I did have a savings account for a rainy day, such as having to fly back home for an emergency, or something terrible happened we wouldn't have to worry about getting a loan. I think it's important to have a savings account for a rainy day, but not a rainy day for your vows.
This breeds distrust.
Also, it doesn't matter if your money isn't blended. He'll still get half of what you own in a lot of cases.