Monday, 29 November 2010
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Is It That Awful to Pursue a Married Man When His Wife Keeps Cheating On Him?
We're both in a self help group together, and hes a really nice guy.
I remember sometime within the first group of weeks, he was talking about how his wife cheated on him "again." You see, while they were at their friends' house, he had to leave early because of work the next day. She called him to tell him she had too much to drink and cheated on him, and she "forgot" to come home.
His professor demands a lot, and he seems to always be stressed. He's been especially stressed lately, due to his home and work life (as he told me). Late last month, he said he was admitting things to her about his past (Sort of... emotional cheating, but not really...).
She came back from a trip about three weeks ago, and he said something like, "My wife is coming back today.. So I guess I'll be ready for more hard and emotional discussions."
The week after that, he announced that he was going to be on a trip for a week and a half. He said, "When I go on a trip, it's like my wife going on a trip." After he spoke (while other people were speaking), I looked back at him and he seemed to be tearing up. Normally when somebody talks, he'd turn his body to them and fold his hands, but that day, he was withdrawn.
After the meeting, I approached him and said, "You look sad.."
"I do? I'm sorry..."
"Why are you sad?"
"Well, I dunno.. I guess that's something to think about."We stood there looking at each other and I had my sad face on. He then told me that he wasn't going to see me for a few weeks and he gave me a hug. Now, a week and a half trip means that he'd be spending Thanksgiving away from her...
I had never seen him like that before, it was in that moment that I could feel his heart breaking.
Considering how crappy their marriage seems to be (also, they don't have kids), I was wondering if I should talk to him or something. I know it's wrong to chase after somebody who's married, but she's cheated on him so many times and she sort of sounds like one of those girls that float around.
What do you think?
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- From: Hoobastank_Luva@xanga
- Name: Hoobastank_Luva
- About Me: i wish i was an flying indian
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Comments (110)
I support pay back.
an affair is an affair. I don't agree with them at all.
karma comes back around... i'm going to say. be careful.
Having been in a situation similar, I'd say wait until he leaves. If he loves her that much, he will feel guilty about it (even though its not really wrong) and you wont be the one to last. Develop a good friendship with him now, and wait for him to get out. Then pursue more. You'll feel better about it. And judging by the fact that you had to ask, you're probably already feeling some guilt about even considering it. The guilt will eat you up if you go against your gut. Just wait.
@WordsandThoughts@xanga - His wife will get hers even without them being vindictive. Karma is a bitch.You only know his side of the story. If she's really a monster who is cheating on him, why is he still with her? And, if he is still with her, then he is still married, apparently by choice. I don't think anybody on the outside can judge another person's relationship. I think being friends is fine. If you pursue him romantically, you are pursuing a married man, and no rationalizing will change that.
@midge4ever@xanga - I completely agree. Enough said
@Sunrise_Hope_Joy@xanga - well said
@Sunrise_Hope_Joy@xanga - very well said. and i would have to agree.
He needs to grow some spine and leave her, if he is truly that miserable. Their relationship is only fully understood by the two of them, but regardless of reason, he needs to decide his fate and that of his relationship. I would wait it out, but only for so long. You do not want to get your hopes up and put your life on hold so someone else can take a long time to work their marriage out.
@Sunrise_Hope_Joy@xanga - *agreed*
Two wrongs don't make a right. If you cheat WITH him, what makes you think HE won't cheat ON you?
Cheating is wrong. Plain and simple. If he's really in such a miserable relationship why is he still with her? Especially, if there are no kids involved? Mskes no sense to me. But if i were you, i would wait it out until he actually does break it off with her then pursue him. But quite honestly, even then i wouldnt want to be in a rebound relationship. That's just me though. Overall, just wait it out to see what happens.
If someone is married, they always have someone to go back to that's not you. Ultimately, they will chose the person they married over you.
You are not the backup plan either. You are the desert, not the meal.wait.till.he.gets.divorced. which he should do.
the circumstances suck but as long as he is married, it is cheating and cheating is not okay. you could be there for him as a friend if you think you can refrain from getting too attached...maybe help him along in the process of "leaving." but as long as he is willing to stay with her, it is a bad idea to get involved. if it is not okay for her to cheat on him, it is not okay for him to cheat on her...
@Sunrise_Hope_Joy@xanga - agreed.
Don't be yourself the other woman, thats making yourself just as bad as his wife is.
You should at least wait until he is no longer with her. Sense he is stressed, even if he doesn't intend for you to be, he might end up seeing you as someone who can relieve his stress, then when the stress is gone, you may only remind him of that stress and be another person he needs to move on from. Just knowing how people work, if you involve yourself in that kind of situation, you may just become another situation, instead of someone that is important to him.
I would leave the poor guy alone, he's in no shape for more drama. Just be his friend in your group. That's the best way to help him. Plus, more goes on in a marriage than a never-married person knows about.
@Sunrise_Hope_Joy@xanga -
I also don't agree with cheating, I would never make somebody cheat (or create that intention). Although I am interested in him, I wouldn't go that far. The question was whether or not I should provide emotional support/ask him about the situation.
and he speaks of everything nonchalantly, even the cheating. He's not the kin of guy to lose composure, which was why the tearing up surprised me. He never called her a monster, he just always says that his home life is stressful.
I don't judge, but I will say be careful. Also karma is a bitch so maybe the wife deserves it. Who really knows.
talk okay. but don't aggravate anything. it's his decision first off (whether he still wants to be with his wife or not) and cheating is cheating.
@Hoobastank_Luva@xanga - gotta love how datingish changes stuff to make it more scandalous. actually i get a rise out of it sometimes, people react so outlandishly lol
Is it OK to help a man cheat if his wife is cheating? Don't they usually say: Two wrongs don't make a... *something something*
You should really let him blow over his marriage then continue with him -- without the "other baggage" weighing him down.
What is important is -- whether you two can have a real relationship -- and NOT for him to get revenge on his current cheating wife.