Tuesday, 23 November 2010
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Help! Can We Never Be Friends Because of Our Past?
So I just started dating my boyfriend and I guess you could say we're in the baby stages of a relationship.
However, I was recently faced with a decision: I have/had a best guy friend with whom I was pretty close with. We were best friends hung out all the time, but we also happen to have a "history" if you know what I mean.
So the time finally came when his name was brought up in conversation and my bf asked if I had ever done anything with him, I couldn't lie so I didn't.
This he did NOT like, which is completely understandable. The situation is a little messy and weird but somehow me and my ex best guy friend found a way to have a history and almost become closer afterward but JUST as best friends nothing more.
It sucked because there is really nothing i can do to comfort my bf in knowing that we are just friends. I had to choose, and I chose my bf.This may sound bad, but one detail I forgot to mention is that my ex best guy friend is also in a relationship with a gf who also wants him to have nothing to do with me.
We talked about it all and realized how sucky the situation was but ultimately decided to just stop being friends as much as it would hurt the both of us.But what I've came to realize is that, really, we can NEVER be friends.
Why? Because what guy is going to like the fact that we are so close and happen to have a history. NONE!Any advice? Was it wrong to have made this decision so quickly after only being with my bf for a couple of months? Because I really didn't see any other option.
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- From: dancefreak808@xanga
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Comments (29)
I have a similar ex best guy friend. We're still like best friends (almost as close as before) and I have a bf who doesn't care about this past, and would even like to meet and befriend my friend. And my friend has a gf, who probably knows about me, but has no real reason to care.
So in conclusion I think your bf and his gf are meanies :/
you shouldn't have to give up a friend who's done nothing wrong and your boyfriend has no reason to mistrust.
talk it over and tell them that you and your friend have nothing going on and the past is just that, past/passed, over.
how long were you and that guy together for?
@dude_this_world_sux@xanga - Agreed.
Honestly? The past is the past and you're boyfriend sounds like a jealous a*hole. you're with him for a reason. Sounds like he doesn't really trust you if hes all "grrr" and can't realize that you're situation with your friend done and over with.
If I was in your shoes, I'll break up with the boyfriend instead and keep my best friend even though we had a history together. It's a deal breaker for me to be with someone whose so insecure with themselves and the relationship to have to make me choose between him or my best friend.
Your boyfriend needs to understand that what you had with your best friend was history. The word should speak for itself. If you or your ex best friend wanted to be more than a hook up, you two would of became a couple and not have a history of hooking up.
Not only that, if your boyfriend trusts you, he should know that if any guy (regardless if he was your best friend or not) threw themselves at you, you would walk. I'm curious, but why would you choose to stay with your boyfriend? He don't trust you. He's insecure. And he's controlling. All those are not healthy in a relationship especially if you want this relationship to be long term.
IMO, yes, it was wrong for you to choose. Period. First of all, you shouldn't even have to choose to begin with. Sorry, but it ain't your job to reassure him for anything. You and your best friend had a history together; not cheat behind his back.
what do you have to keep or gain from keeping/maintaining your relationship with the friend?
Yes, I think you were completely wrong.
A boyfriend should be able to accept that you have best friends who are guys, regardless whether you had a past with him or not. What is in the past is in the past for a reason, and obviously, you chose to be with your boyfriend. He needs to realize that and stop being jealous.Besides, what's up with ditching a BEST friend? Doesn't the "best" stand for "nothing can come between us"?If I was forced to loose my best friend who's a guy (and who I also happened to date for a while), I would be so crushed that wouldn't be able to go on normally in the present relationship. After all, relationships are supposed to contribute to your life, not take away from them, right?
It's understandable that he wouldn't feel comfortable with you hanging around someone you may have dated at one time and it should be on you to assuage said fears, perhaps by having your friend over only when your boyfriend is present. But under no circumstance should he be telling who you can or can't be friends with, you're your own person, which is something he'll have to come to face sooner or later, and if he can't trust you to be faithful when he's not around maybe he's not ready for a relationship.
My boyfriend have a no-exs policy. It works out for both of us. We're both happy. His exs could never be trusted. We learned the hard way. Lol. Exs are trouble in a serious relationship...in most cases. I wouldn't think highly of my mom if she still had exs around...
So, people expect other people to not have a history? Unless you date a virgin, you won't get that.
Any person who makes you choose one or the other do not have your best interests in mind. It is his insecurities that can ruin something great.
@laytexduckie@xanga - Mmhm. Even if you date a virgin, it's likely he/she will have history or baggage of some sort, which could be just a big a factor in a relationship.
But of course, to the OP, we don't know all the details which factored into you and your friend's decision. It certainly is nice to see communication with the different parties involved.
not tryin to sound slutty or anything, but most of the guys i hang out with, i have a past with. My boyfriend doesn't like it one bit, but i tell him that if he doesn't like it to just leave.
you can't spend all of your time with your bf or your going to isolate yourself from everybody else and be too dependant.
I'm sure if you wanted to be with your guy friend, you could, but you chose to be with your bf for a reason.
One of my bf's best friend is someone that he dated for a while. Before his friend moved, they did hang out a few times, and honestly it didn't really bother me. Reason for that is I know that they've had many opportunities to get back together, but they didn't.
You just need to talk to your bf (or whatever he is to your right now) and remind him that you're with him.
one of my closest friend's of whom we're completely platonic now is someone i hooked up with in the past.
I'd think it was weird. I wouldn't make anyone choose, but it's still a big insecurity factor.
That's a slippery slope.
My ex never let me even talk to my now fiancée (hah, funny how life works out...) because we'd had a history in high school.
Ultimately, it was his uber control over everything in my life that just ended up with me saying I couldn't do it anymore. And then he pretty much tried to make it look like he broke up with me, that's fine with me.
Anyway, sorry for going off subject. I think making someone choose, especially in that young of a relationship, is a very bad sign.
I'm friends with whoever the fuck I want to be friends with. Not that my boyfriend would ever make me choose...I'm only in touch with one guy from my past, and my guy is cool with it. Of course, my ex and I have a different relationship now out of respect for each of our own romantic relationships, but just because we have a past doesn't mean we're not allowed to remain friends.
If someone is going to cheat, they're going to cheat. Tell someone not to do something, and what's the first thing they want to do?
@jeezshoua@xanga - Agreed!
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I understand where all of yall are coming from but I consulted some of my guy friends and they said that it was a deal breaker from the get go to have best guy friend with whom you had a history with simply because those crazy "I wonder what they're doing.." thoughts would constantly be on their mind whenever I was with my best friend and ultimately be to much to handle which I understand. But also, my Bf told me from the beginning that he has trust issues and this early in the relationship there's really no way to prove my trust but telling him of me and my (ex) best friends history sure didn't help. I guess we'll just have to see how things go...
Also* he didn't MAKE me choose he said to do whatever I wanted but basically if what i wanted was to still hang out with my best friend all the time he wasn't going to be cool with it so I found really that I had to choose. And my best guy friend was in the same situation with his gf and me. So I guess really we f'ed ourselves over by having such a complicated past, womp womp.my general rule of thumb is as follows, for friendships or romantic relationships. if someone puts you in the position where you have to choose, they're not worth choosing. because if they really care about you, they should trust you. they should want to know the people who are important to you. it sometimes sucks and we all have our insecurities, but unless you've concretely given a person reason to not trust you, insecurity to that degree is a ball that is in their court.
and because he made you feel guilty for having a friend, you lose a friend you've known for longer and you probably depend on more for a guy you've dated a few months, and who knows if that's even going to last.
mature people deal with their shit openly, as their own, and don't control their partners that way, however subtle. if your bf doesn't trust you enough to hang out with your best friend because you were once something else, and isn't sure enough about how much you love him to respect that friendship, he's putting you in a shitty position. and that's a shitty thing to do.
I'm in your boyfriends position. It isn't fair for us at all. It's not that we don't trust you. It's we dont know the other person as well and it puts us in an uncomfortable situation. I'm not sure if you do this, but I sure as hell didn't like it when my boyfriends ex calls and texts him everything like they're in a relationship.
That's when it starts to get fishy.
I was in your situation. I chose to keep my friend. My boyfriend was forever insecure and worrying. Ultimately I realized I should have left my friend. Luckily it wasn't the reason we broke up, but it sure didn't help. You made the right decision.
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