It's too much of a generalization, I'm sure, but I truly wish that more people were educated about domestic violence.
Tonight, amidst our first Thanksgiving celebration, the police were called because a friend of the family's boyfriend had come over, despite knowing he had a restraining order out against him.
And I was amazed at how many elders blamed her for the situation. "She's done this before in another relationship..." "Don't get involved with her..." "She keeps going back to him. After she got him locked up, she still bailed him out..."
My voice to defend her against the elders drowned out.
Domestic violence is much more complicated than people realize.
Sure, the woman might pick the wrong kind of men, but statistics also show that when women try to leave these volatile situations, their risk for crippling injuries or death also becomes higher. In domestic violence cases, the abuser doesn't go around hitting everyone else that pisses them off.
It's about power and control over that one person. The best statement of the evening:
"He is really a very good guy. She would've been just fine if she didn't call the cops tonight and everyone just ate in peace." Yeah, except for how just last week, he slashed her tires and chased her with a knife.
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I don't think thats an Asian community thing, I think thats more of a dumb-ass family thing.
Excuse me?! Why did you have to put the word "Asian" in the title?!
It's normal to blame the victim because they have a bad reaction. In the social order, they are inferior. I'm that lucky person. Everyone says the samething. If only i wasn't so stupid and would listen. and I always look inward for a solution.
My dad started the adventure. Luckily, he's very weak. I used to laugh at him--when i'm in shape I'm very very strong, but he would threaten to kill us both all of the time and used psychology in a demonic way. I learned psychology and I destroyed his marriage at 8. :) He blamed me for some reason. You can't blame a kid. To me, he is like a little kid, even though i'm not normalizing. I want his little dreams to come true. I just have to keep him under me and not in control of me.
My boyfriend abused me emotionally and this is only because he satisfied my worth-battle. Abuse is really complicated. If i would have been as bad as I was as a kid, i would have a good life and be a lot smarter, but my mom got me with a camera, and I felt badly because I wasn't pretty.
@Red_Apocalypse_Horse@xanga - Because she's of an asian ethnic group?
Typical...
She's not at fault, sure people are crazy such as her ex... Let's be honest, that type of thinking is archaic. Sure she bailed him out after calling the cops on him, but that's the traditional reaction of an abused or battered woman in a relationship.
I'm not going to be ... stereotypical(but I am). That reaction, from the family, seems typical of the Korean family....
Am I wrong?
I don't know about any other cultures, but Indians definitely do that kind of stuff. if your husband hits you it's your fault because you weren't cooking for him enough. it's like no matter how they treat you you're supposed to be loyal and take it from them. I hate it -_- I argue with my mom about it whenever the topic comes up.
Sadly this happens all over, but is far more prevalent in societies that still relegate women to second-class status, like in China, Mexico, and Africa.
personally speaking, asian families often care a lot about their image in the community, especially if they are religious, so they try to avoid confrontation and keep one eye shut to problems, because they don't want trouble, but to keep the harmony within their family, even if it means pretending that the psychotic sociopathic abuser is a "really good guy." basically, if she isn't dead yet, it isn't a big deal or even if she's dead, she probably did something to provoke it and deserved it...and this is their mentality...because they care more about the image of the males in the family than females.
Well, for me being first American born in my family, I don't have a problem speaking out. Don't get me wrong, I'm still respectable and don't backtalk to my elders. But when someone gets to misconstrued and blown way out of proportion, I know when to speak up.
unfortunately, that is the influence of the very patriarchal culture.
I don't think it is an Asian thing. I think it is a problem in society as a whole.
I don't think it's as much of an Asian thing as it is a society thing that values women as second class...although by extension you can say maybe it's part of Asian culture? Partly? I don't really know.
Anyway, that's really, really horrible to hear. I think unfortunately, you're going to have to be the one to stand up and try and help her. Seems that sadly, no one else will :/
i think it's unfair to put "asian" in the title
becausea) that is a REALLY REALLY broad term and extremely unfair to put so many cultures under 1 umbrellaand b) i'm sure it's not just asian culture, it's just how society views women. It's one sided. regardless of culture@Hinase@xanga - Thank you! :) For clarifying that for me lol
@sassypenguin@xanga - @ordinary_gir1@xanga - it's not only an "Asian" thing, I am Asian and I see the challenges Asian women have to go through. If Asians who CAN advocate, don't advocate for those without a voice, these challenges are less apt to change. Have a voice.
@P0RCELA1N_D0LL@xanga - @MissPixieGlitter@xanga - Correct. Saving Face means a lot to many cultures,but being Asian I feel like "saving face" is even stronger in our community for men. With as many as 1 in 4 women being a victim to domestic violence, this is something that will effect us all directly or indirectly.
@aCe_KeiAnar@xanga - yes, that is the typical response of a battered woman, and because there isn't enough education or support, they themselves believe they're the ones to blame. Thanks Ace for your comment!
@Colorsofthenight@xanga - thanks so much for sharing your experience with domestic violence. People think that domestic violence is only physical, and that's not the case at all.
@PinkMonganese@xanga - I prefer physical because then i don't hurt myself, and it gets the conflict out.
@PinkMonganese@xanga - Not a problem =)
I don't get why the doofus showed up to Thanksgiving KNOWING that he had a restraining order against him.
And really, if I knew that a friend's boyfriend was abusive, I wouldn't want him in my house and I'd call the police too.
@KasumiCelesta@xanga - because that's what abusers do...the whole world revolves around them and so should everyone in it. a silly restraining order? fuck it. they don't care, obviously. they do what they want, like abuse women, because they can.
yes, I agree that it's hard to leave someone when your stuck in that type of relationship. When I tried leaving my abusive ex, he went full blown psycho on me and constantly showed up at my house, work, and blew up my phone. Once when I left my ex, I feared for my life because he wouldn't leave me alone. It's a vicious cycle that people need to be aware of. Once when your in that type of relationship, it's very hard to get out.
It's not as easy as it may sound to leave the abuser. Because he is your spouse and you do have warm feelings for him or her.
@Colorsofthenight@xanga - that's very typical for many women---they know the physical part is coming and "provoke" the men more to just get it over with.
@ingenuous_actions@xanga - @Days_likethis@xanga - @sumtymesiwonder@xanga - thanks so much for commenting! Many still want to deny the existence of domestic violence and to have others voice any thoughts truly makes a difference.
@PinkMonganese@xanga - i got bored of being abused. I'm bored of everything. i just laughed at my abusers because... my mom hated that. "she just laughs at me." i was addicted to that emotion-set for awhile.