Monday, 22 November 2010
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What is the Modern Solution to Total Commitment But Not Marriage?
In the 60’s a couple would never even think of living together without first becoming married. Today more and more couples are choosing to have trial marriages by living together for a period of time before tying the knot-if ever.
Look at Prince William, even he's currently living with his soon to be princess!
The reasons for this change of heart seem to be are sadly financial and social. Many young couples balk at the traditions of their elders but more common is that the financial part of being married does not seem at first glance to lend itself to choosing marriage as a wise alternative to living together.
If your boyfriend or girlfriend has an enormous amount of debt, marrying them invite collection agencies to go after your money as well. If you are married, both incomes are taken into account when applying for grants, loans, and most state sponsored help, such as food stamps or energy assistance.
Because of these shortcomings, it is much easier to not marry, rather than to not get the help your family might need because of your combined income.
Other couples choose living together, rather than traditional marriage, because of the cost of divorce. The paperwork involved and the time spent trying to financially break up-which is, in fact, what divorce boils down to-isn't worth the effort.
Some couples do not feel the need to legally get married, preferring instead the ancient pagan tradition of standing before friends and their god to pledge to each other their love and devotion.
In pagan marriages, this is called “hand fasting” and is intended for a year and a day. If everything works out, they "re-up'' their commitments.
If it doesn't, they each leave the relationship with whatever material possessions they came into it with, no harm, and no foul. This tradition of announcing couple-ship has been around much longer than traditional, legal, marriages where once you tie the knot, half of everything you own-including your debts-belong to the other person.
What would you (or what are you currently) consider doing in this day and age?
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- From: MobilizeWorldwide@xanga
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Comments (21)
This post seems to be painting marriage as the "normal" act and not marrying someone you love an act that needs to be defensed. While this is true in our society, I'm not sure what about marriage makes this true in general. I'm not sure why I need a piece of paper from the government to prove I love someone. Yet if I don't get that piece of paper, I will most likely be vilified for my choice. I will be painted as someone who can't commit, or worse, someone who doesn't love my SO. But the fact is that the only way marriage is a commitment is that it costs money to divorce; if you don't have enough money at the time that you decide a divorce is necessary, then I guess you're staying together. But it's silly to say that someone isn't actually committing because they don't want to marry someone. Some people just don't understand the importance of the institution of marriage (exhibit A right here).
The older I get, the more "traditional" I become. I lived with an ex-boyfriend before. Playing house is just not for me. The man I'm dating now has been told this in clear, specific terms. It's not that I don't love him, or that I don't want to live with him. I fully intend to marry him, but I don't want to move in with him until after we're engaged, and probably not until fairly close to the wedding date.
I don't really care what others do. I'm not in their particular relationship, so who am I to say what is or isn't "right" for them. But I know for myself I want the traditional marriage.
I will not get married if our situation will be financially unstable. I'm also not going to live together before marriage. My reason for that is that, for me, it makes getting married more special. If you act married before you are married the married life is going to be less special in the end. This article makes a good point about the cost of divorce, but ironically, couples who live together before getting married are actually more likely to get divorced than people who don't live together before they get married.
@PunkRockCowboy@xanga - Maybe that's just because people who don't move in together also have social stigmas against divorce...
I'm not living with my boyfriend before we get married. We're waiting to have sex until we're married and so living together would make the possibility of having sex before we're married higher. I just don't want to live with that temptation. I don't trust myself.
I hate the idea of being trapped with another human. I think I'd have to kill myself. Most of us are workers, so our lives are random. We are also obsessed with success, so we become unequal, especially when that baby comes and one has to make a 'sacrifice.' Marriage itself is a sacrifice. In the old days, do it or die. Our modern world will not survive.
@midge4ever@xanga - yeah, you'll be wild for awhile...
I live with my bf due to unfortunate circumstances but we still want to get married and the fact that we're unofficially engaged helps a lot. We're quite serious about it.
@ZepBlueEyedGirl@xanga - Agreed with the last part.
I would rather live with a boyfriend first than marrying him and seeing how it goes. Lots of people in Europe don't marry anymore for financial reasons, but they are married in the spiritual sense (or that was what someone from Germany was explaining to my family at dinner, and my friend in school has family in France and he says its the same way). Less messy if they leave each other.
1. Marriage is about combining your lives, and yes that includes financial situations. If you aren't willing to share your finances, then you are not ready to be in a long term relationship, thats like marriage. I'm not saying that it is ok to leech off the significant other, but if you love someone enough, you would be willing to provided for them financially to a degree also. Besided finance is something you discuss before marriage. Marriage isn't just about love.
2. You should never think of going into a relationship thinking about the worst. If you are thinking about getting a divorce before you even get married, then your not ready for marriage. Just because divorce might be more common these days doesnt mean it is inevitable. If you truly love someone, you will fight to keep things going before you let it end.
Honestly, my perspective (not everyones,) I don't think you can fully give yourself to someone without marriage. Marriage is a form of emotional, financial, and physical safety. Emotional, because you know you have vowed to love someone and take care of them (it doesn't always work out this way.) But if you and your SO firmly stand by your vows then yes it is an emotional safe. You don't have that contract under law or God with just a relationship. Financial, because, two incomes is always better than one, and if anything happens you have your SO to lean on while you get back on your feet.
Do people always take marriage seriously enough for things to workout? No, but if you do go into with your best, then it can work.
Marriage is a contract that is there to protect you, even when things go wrong. But under the law and religion.
P.S What I said is my point of view, I'm not trying to convince anyone who doesn't want to get married to get married. Just let them see what someone thinks.
Considering I am Pagan I have thought about doing a hand-fasting rather then anything else. It just makes more sense to me and my life. Plus as much as my boyfriend and I love each other(we have also lived together most of the 5 yrs we have been in a relationship), things can change. And they have already. Some good, some bad. We both try hard to make it last and we have hope but we also don't want to be blind to things going wrong and not being able to pick up those pieces. I acknowledge it can happen, which sometimes gives you a better chance at the relationship lasting longer anyhow. If you depend on your partner to never leave, sometimes that dependence makes you stagnant in the way you are. So god forbid you really need to improve on something and you expect your partner to just deal with it. It might not work out that way. Denial never leads to good things...
I don't really care what other people do. It's completely their choice. I just know that I will not live with my boyfriend until after we're married and I won't get married to him until we're in a financially stable point in our lives. I'm not going to live with him with the idea that we might get divorced so it'll be cheaper to live together and be able to leave at will.
I Think it is better to live with a boyfriend before you marry....that way you know what its like to live with them.
why marry?
@Liquid_Pain_523@xanga - this is a really great comment.
i don't think i could marry someone without living with them first. i don't see it as a trial marriage at all. i just think it's important to establish that level of commitment and know you have something real BEFORE you tie the knot.
but, i only see marriage as valuable because there are certain benefits, legal statuses, etc. my SO and i cannot have without a marriage license. without that, i doubt i'd see the need to get married. maybe just for the celebration and awesome gifts :D
my boyfriend and i live together. it's not a trial marriage or anything like that, though many people have said that we're like an old married couple. but there's a difference. i feel like the actual act of being married comes with different expectations as well. being a "wife" entitles you to different things than being a "girlfriend", in my opinion.
my boyfriend and i are planning on getting married when we're both ready, and i want to be able to afford the wedding i want. we aren't going to get married just for financial reasons. for me, it's not about the piece of paper so much as it's about being recognized as our own family, it's a symbol of our unity, it's a promise, and yes i admit having it legalized makes me feel more secure because of the difficulty and expense, etc of divorce.
I believe in marriage and I believe that if you are ready to commit to that level then do it properly, legally and under God. I love my SO and we're happy together but I refuse to live with him until a point where we are ready to get married, but society seems to be judging me for that. People expect us to move in.
The excuse of divorce being expensive is ridiculous - that means you're living together knowing that splitting up is inevitable, in which case you shouldn't be living together. get a pre-nup and then divorce isn't all that hard if it ever comes to that.
A lot of people also say that you can't really know a person until you live with them. True, but if you're planning on spending the rest of your life with someone then you should know a lot about them. and the little things - does he leave the toilet-seat up? Is she messy? Seem really silly to me. Yes, they can get really annoying, but are they enough to destroy a relationship? and would you move in with someone and break up with them for that? Really?
And saying that moving in is as much of a commitment as marriage? Well then why don't you get married?
I'm not saying that moving in together is wrong. I'm saying that if you believe in marriage and don't want to move in, that's ok. And I think believing in something is very different to not believing in it. and not believing in marriage should mean that you don't feel it's necessary, not that you're fundamentally opposed to it. If you both feel that way, then go for it. I have no issue with it, and you shouldn't be judged for what you want to do. But if it's important to you, then your SO should respect that.
My mother just read a romance novel and the characters in the book did this.
Like other have said, I don't care what everyone else does, because what is right for me may not be right for them. People on both sides of this debate should realize that.
But I love being married.
@xx0behindthesmile@xanga - I don't like when people use the excuse that the breakup won't be as "messy" if they don't get married as a reason not to, because the whole point of being married is making that commitment for life.
If you're going to be "spiritually" married to someone, or say that you're married except for that piece of paper, then you should live up to what a real marriage is- a life-long promise to love one person no matter what. Not a scapegoat. =\
@helenski - I agree.
I agree with the guy that posted first on this. I don't need a paper to show and or prove my love for my SO. But I also agree with some of the other people here too. Living with your SO before marriage is the smartest decision ever in a relationship that is going to turn to marriage. I've been told many many MANY times by family and friends that no matter how much you love your future husband to be or husband, never share bank accounts. It causes problems and its the worst idea ever. My Uncle Andy's wife is a gold digger. They once had shared accounts and she bled him dry. All his savings, gone within a month and they live in a trailer now, with four kids. He planned to have the four kids and was going to use his savings to start his new family off. I'm not saying this is how people should be or how everyone should. Its just a smart thing to do. That way you are responsible for your spending and she/he is responsible for his. It saves unwanted stress, AND fights. Plus, that way if he or she spends too much you won't have to suffer and you can help your SO with the bills. EVEN if your SO gets paid a lot of money or is a billionaire. Now living together before marriage is the best idea, because you need to know how clean your SO is! And how much of the house work you'll be doing. Compromising and sharing chores is the best! My ex, he used to leave food in his room to rot and had BUGS living in them. He also plays HALO all day long and lives with his parents. Not responsible at all. I wouldn't want to be housed with such a nasty creature. Now ask yourself, do you want your house to be that way? All gross and disgusting and YOU cleaning it up with NO help? I don't think anyone in the right mind wants to be bankrupt and or cleaning up after the other if its rotted and ruins the house.