Saturday, 20 November 2010
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I'm About To Get Engaged And... I Can't Stop Worrying!
It has been fourteen months and one week since I met my boyfriend, and we are currently planning our engagement. By planning, I mean we've discussed how he is to speak to my father and I have given him my ring size (or something close to it; I've never been one to wear rings). Though I am overwhelmingly excited to pronounce myself betrothed to the man I love and be one step closer to starting a family with him, I can't help but have doubts.
What if he can't escape his violent past? What if we never have enough money? What if one of us finds someone else? Am I too young? Is he too young? Are we too immature of a couple to make this decision just yet?We have discussed everything I have read we ought to discuss: money, kids, religion, living situations, holidays, sex, emotions, past, present, future. We see eye to eye on every important topic. We have, generally, the same sense of humor. We watch the same shows. We have the same political views. He loves me more than any man has ever loved me, and I know that with true confidence. And as I knew from the moment he gave me George, my stuffed miniature elephant, a symbol of his adoration of my quirkiness, I love him, too.
So what could it possibly be that is making me doubt our happily ever after? I need help. Are these normal doubts? Especially when I am still in college, not yet 21, and have only had four relationships lasting longer than a season? I have always been a relationship girl, and my main goal in life is to become a mother. I know he could give me the life I want and need, filled with love and cuteness and down to earth values.Why am I so afraid?
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- From: Monophobia376@xanga
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Comments (67)
There are general concerns when it comes to making a life with someone.
However, the tone of this takes general to another level. I would honestly say that you're not ready. If you're having this many doubts, and you haven't even gotten engaged, let alone started thinking about a wedding, then perhaps waiting a while longer would be a good idea.
Talk it through with your guy.
Wait.
@skylar_rose@xanga - agreed
I got married at he age you are now. Take it from me, if you have that many doubts, wait. Marriage is so much more than agreeing on all the 'major issues'. In the actual moment, you may not really agree. That is what happened with my ex. He said he agreed, but in the end he had changed his story to please me and he didnt really agree. Give it more time.
i mean if you're planning on spending the rest of your lives together, whats your rush? these honestly all sound like reasonable things to think about, it's not like you're crazy, and 21 IS pretty young. and remember, even if you do get engaged right now, that doesnt mean you HAVE TO GET MARRIED RIGHT NOW. just take things easy, talk a WHOLE BUNCH, and make sure you guys are top notch on your knowledge of each other.
If you are having all these doubts, then it's time to start listening to the doubts and put everything on hold. I mean, if you want to get engaged that's fine, but maybe make it a long engagement so that the two of you can work on things together and in the end put your worries at ease, or at least be able to go your separate ways without the cost of divorce. maybe have a long engagment until you're 25. That way the two of you can save your money, figure out your finances a little bit... and have time to plan for other things in your life. There's nothing wrong with having some doubts, everyone will have them at some point, but you really need to take them seriously at this point in your life.
I've been with my high school sweetheart for over a decade and I must say, I'm so glad we never jumped into marriage during my early twenties. People evolve and grow so much during their twenties, in my opinion.
You are afraid because it is such a strong commitment. Don't hide all these doubts, tell him!! The best thing for you to do is wait. You aren't ready if you are having doubts. I wish you the best.
You're afraid bc you're starting to doubt your marriage before it happens. You're starting to worry about everything even before you have to face em. Marriages aren't about happily ever afters. There are many obstacles that you will face as a couple but at the end, you still have each other. If not, you grow, you learn, and you take it as a life experience.
My advice to you would be - just go with the flow. Take one step at a time. You can't plan for everything that's going to happen to you unexpected, but you can overcome it by working together.
Hate to break it to you, but you're suffering from the affliction known in the medical vernacular as being a completely boring, uninteresting, totally average human being who has absolutely nothing wrong with her.
The only known cure for this horrible affliction is to talk these doubts over with him. Be totally upfront and honest, and don't beat around the bush. You'll probably be surprised at his fairly level-headed, and rational reaction.
Take your time. You may not be emotionally ready to handle a life long commitment.
I think these are very normal doubts. It sounds like you guys are great for each other and you're ready to take it to the next step....once you figure out what these doubts mean. Maybe talk to someone about it, like a therapist or a pastor or someone who had an unbiased view. But most of all take time to figure it out. Don't rush into it, but know that these are normal feelings and honestly if you were about to jump into it without a second thought, that would be more worrisome.
You are so young. If I married the guy I was with when I was 21, I'd be miserable. You are a different person at 25 than you are at 21, and when you're 28 you'll be different than you were at 25. If he's the one for you, then he'll stick around. It's better to wait and find out you were right all along than to make a huge, life-changing decision and realize it was a mistake.
I know every situation is different but I can tell you that from the sounds of it you seem to have a gut feeling that it isn't the right situation. I myself am currently engaged (getting married in just under 6 months) and I can honestly say I haven't had any doubts. The only doubts I've had are about children and figuring out how to afford those expensive little buggers & when we'll be able to have them that won't mess up my future career. Each of the doubts individually (aside from the violent past) don't seem to big but if you are constantly doubting that should be a red flag.
I'm pretty sure you're just too young to get engaged. At such a young age, there's a lot of growing left to do, so I would suggest dating a little while longer until you're both ready to marry.
@j_e_n@xanga - Yup, I agree.
@Coffeebee@xanga - Agree with this, too.
Just because you guys have discussed everything now, does not mean that things are not going to change in the future. What is the rush in marriage anyway? If you are intent on getting engaged now, just make it a very long engagement..
I think you should talk to people who are actually married. I don't regret getting married young (19) even though we are getting a divorce. Do I wish I'd never met him? Yes. But that's a different matter. If I'm ever as in love as I was then, I'd do it again too. Some people will call me stupid, but I don't care. Talk over your fears with your boyfriend. Odds are, he has the same fears. They're totally normal. The one thing I would advise you to do, is not go into the marriage thinking "we can always get divorced if it doesn't work out". Honestly, I went into my marriage with divorce NOT being an option, and my husband said he felt the same way, but I've since learned that he must not have meant it. Even if he did mean it at the time, things change. Work through all your problems as they come up; don't let things build until you explode at each other.
The two guys I dated before meeting my husband also talked about getting engaged and spending the rest of our lives together. And with both, I had the exact same doubts. In the end, the relationships ended because the doubts were valid ones based on a incompatibilities I wasn't even aware of at the time. When I met my husband, there were no doubts. I knew he was someone I could be a partner to, and that we'd be able to get through anything together.
If you're having doubts like that, you're not ready. There's no rush, so don't feel pressured. But do let your boyfriend know what you've been thinking about. Don't let him buy a ring and then find out you're not 100% ready.
-Katie
you're not ready yet; too young
When we're young, we make a lot of emotion-based decisions rather than logical decisions because our cortex isn't yet fully developed and we rely on our amygdala.. I think that it's great that you agree on everything, and you've talked about all the big issues, but that doesn't necessarily mean you're ready. You have to know what all your shortcomings are, as well as his shortcomings. You have to learn to compromise. You have to learn how well you will mesh living together. I had all these doubts when I was 18, and I got married anyway. It didn't end pretty. There were a lot of experiences that I had not gone through yet, that I hadn't gotten a chance to learn from. Allow yourself time to grow and mature. The reason why you're so afraid is because you don't have similar prior experiences to base yourself off of. We fear what we do not know. Get more comfortable with the idea, and with your partner and perhaps that will help.
You've listed far too many reasons not to get married. Please, please wait on it....and you may want to reconsider the relationship itself. Good luck.
Only being 14 months into the relationship, its quite possible you're still in the whole 'in love' stage. I'd wait until at least 24 months, if not 36, before you can safely claim you've found a stable companionship.
I would definitely say that you should wait.
Not because I think you're "too young" or anything. But you obviously have too many doubts and questions that you need answers to before pursuing a life with this guy. You two may be in love, but you can't really make it in a stronger relationship if you're constantly questioning things.
Wait.
There's plenty of time. You're still in college, wait til you graduate, or you're almost done. That could definitely take some of the stress off you.
My boyfriend and I have been talking about being engaged and getting married for a while now. I would say two months into our official relationship. We dated for at least 5 months before we made it official. We've been official for a year 4 months and 2 days. And we talked about what kind of house style we would want on our FIRST date. But I understand the worries. Marriage is a HUGE decision in your life. One that should only be made once. There are going to be worries. I believe the correct term is "getting cold feet."
I wouldn't worry too much about it though. I think you know what you're doing.
maybe just give it a bit more time before you get engaged?