Saturday, 20 November 2010
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If Your Guy Friend Is Married, How Close is Too Close?
Okay, serious time: my newly wedded guy friend has started talking to me more after a few months of busy silence. I know he loves his new wife, but I think he is regretting not getting to know me or something because we talk about everything.
He talks to me when he talks to her, but she doesn't really know or like me so I feel weird talking to her and I'm not sure if he tells her that he is talking to me too. I've heard of situations like this, and the guy usually ends up cheating on his new wife. The thing is, she loves him and probably doesn't know we have been talking a few times a week and I don't want to ruin their relationship but I don't want to loose my friendship with him just because he got married.
It's selfish, I know, but I don't want to feel like a home wrecker for their union. I never see either of them-- he is on the West Coast in military training and she is on the East Coast learning nonmilitary medical stuff. She is going to visit him for Thanksgiving, and then in August they will finally be able to move in together after he gets stationed. I've never had a married guy friend until this month so I don't know if I should handle this or if it is normal.
What should I do? Can I keep my friend? Or would it be unfair to his wife?
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About the Author
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- From: callist0@xanga
- About Me: I write about Love, Life, and Penis. And the lack of all 3 of those inside of me. Follow me on twitter: @callist0
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Comments (28)
Forget your friend. He'll find another.
First of all, you wouldn't be a homewrecker. Homewreckers intentionally break up a home for their own personal gain, i.e., the hubby. You're not doing that, so don't feel like you are.
Second, if it's bothering you, talk to him about it. If you can talk about everything, talk about how you'd like to keep it as friends and how some things he's saying is making you uncomfortable.
Good luck.
lol ya wants him.. and after his marriage ya finds him powerfully attractive sooo... ya gonna do him er what?
If you really want to be his friend, I'd start trying to be hers as well otherwise you too will end up sleeping together and then your friendship goes out the window as well as their marriage.
Or of course you could stop being friends.
@abeautifulknight@xanga - Agreed that you need to befriend the wife. Like it or not, they're married now. They are more of a unit now and in order to be his friend you need to be hers too. It's disrespectful to talk to him all the time and not even try with her. That's where female friends mess up and piss off the wife.
(Personal side note: I hate military guys, they're such disgusting whores) Anyway, you should tell him to stop being a slut and talk to his damn wife. That's supposed to be the reason why he & his wife married in the first place, because THEY should be able to talk to each other about everything.
Better get outta there before the situation gets nasty.
I think you should talk to him first. And if he does anything that makes you uncomfortable or that you don't like you should let him go. You don't want him to ruin his marriage. He'll regret it.
@CelestDiggory@xanga - agreed.
Well if you sense something inappropriate is going on then you should tell him and bounce. Why be the cause of drama? What kind of friend is he if he leads down a path that is wrong?
He's in the military, he could just be lonely and wanting some attention from anyone, not just you, but possibly others as well. he could want to cheat on his wife, he could not.
Your best bet is to ask him straight out.
Just because a guy talks to you a lot or is nice to you does not mean he likes you like that. He probably just likes you as a person. If you were a guy I'm sure there'd be no problem here, so just look at it that way.
@ThePrancingPony@xanga - I see what you are saying.
@CelestDiggory@xanga - We've been friends for a few years and always been really open about everything. He knows I don't want to be a home wrecker but I don't know if his wife knows that. Things can look different from her angle which is why it is bothering me.
@abeautifulknight@xanga - I've been trying to friend her since they started dating but she has shot down all my efforts. It's a lost cause with her, no matter what I do she beats me down.
first off, not ALL men in the military are awful cheating assholes. secondly, if i found out my husband had been talking to another girl, even just as a friend, and hadn't mentioned it to me, i'd be hurt. i have several guy friends that i've had for many years but my husband knows all about them and i tell him everything. if he's not keeping her informed, this could break her heart. you're a girl, think about it from her point of view.
Losing a friendship is really that big of a deal? Just find a non-married guy to be bff with. There is no kind of connecton pwerful enough in your friendship to justify breaking up their marriage. You are being really selfish. Obviously he is being a douche too, but you can't control him, all you can do is take care of your end of it, and you need to cut the emotional affair before someone gets hurt.
You didn't have a real friendship before he was married. You said so yourself. Stop fooling yourself and be honest. Does it feel like it's going in a "cheating" direction? Unfortunately, you're not around them both to know if he's passing her up for you, which would be a good sign of trouble ahead. The important thing here is to keep your head.
Honesty can really help paint a better picture. Confront him about how his wife would feel if she knew he was talking to you so much. Tell him that you don't want to hurt anyone else's feelings and let him know that you're not okay with being in the dark about how much is too much. You need to draw solid boundaries and understand that he's his own man. If he decides to leave his wife, it's not your fault, and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Especially if you voiced your concerns over the matter.
just make sure she knows that you're a friend of his and that you two talk, and tell him straight up that her not knowing or liking you is making you uncomfortable and you'd like to change that. then you can keep your friend and hopefully make a new one. it's not wrong for married men to have friends...
@Gorrific@xanga -
"It's disrespectful to talk to him all the
time and not even try with her. That's where female friends mess up and
piss off the wife."
I definitely agree.
My husband chat with his female cousin most of the time while they're working. Before and after we got married, she made many attempts to get to know me and made me feel comfortable around their friendship.
@callist0@xanga - And do you think by talking to her husband without her knowing multiple times a week will help her to see that you're not the person she thought? If she finds out, it'll just confirm what she thought of you in the first place and why she effortless shot you down before hand.
I also agree with @betsy15@xanga that you should put yourself in his wife's shoes. How would you feel if your husband was doing the exact same thing your friend is doing to his wife? Friends or not, he's married now. Know your boundaries and limit. Cut down on the conversations if they aren't important. Or better yet, find another friend to keep you company.
Regardless how the end results are - if he decide to leave his wife or end his marriage because he feels that it's best for him, his wife will always blame the other party (you) for it. It's not fair, but that's how it is especially if she didn't know you two talk multiple times a week and that you two are just friends.
I would communicate and express my concerns to him and attempt to get to know the wife again. I don't think he necessarily regret not getting to know you because you two had talked about everything, but he wants someone to talk to since he's in the military. You may not be the only girl he is talking to and he probably is just talking to anyone just to kill time until his wife is home with him.
My over all impression? @Jane said it. You are being selfish and he's a douche.
classic military marriage. they got married because he wanted more money. now they're far apart and they didn't have much going for them in the first place.
not a good basis for a relationship. back off. where there are weak foundations the whole structure is liable to come down. when he cheats on her, you don't want to be caught in the mess. especially if she involves his command.
not pretty.
If you can you should tell you should tell her how you feel. Try seeing your guy friend in very non-threatening situations like meeting him for lunch inbetween work or something. Keep the private visits to a minimum though. Like I don't know, maybe only a few times a year. The rest of the time try to include the wife. Try to earn her trust a little bit.
Rereading this I'm a little unclear by what you mean by friendship. I am picturing a friendship where you call each other up and talk about mostly unemotional things and are completely hands off. If you're crossing the line chickypoo you need to stop. Like now. Find yourself a man that's not married or commited.
@callist0@xanga - For their anniversary, do something nice for them. Like... Send her a humorous card that says something along the lines of, "Thanks for marrying my friend before SHE got to him!" With a picture of a little witch under it. Or just be straight with her. I mean, what's your relationship with this guy? Are you both besties or does he see you as a sister or did he really want things to go farther?
Figuring that out could help clear up the situation hugely.
@CelestDiggory@xanga - We see each other as brother and sister. I will figure something out thanks everyone.
If you want to be his friend you need to go to his wife and talk to her about how you feel, let her know she has no reason to be suspicious by putting yourself out there, put yourself in her position. being friends with a married man is a touchy subject ecspecially in the military. . .
how would you feel if your husband wanted to talk to a female friend after you and him got in a fight or were having problems adjusting to your new life?
if my man was talking to his female best friend and wasn't telling me about it I would have reason to be suspicious...dont give her reason to be suspicious.
my man had a female best friend who was married to his other best friend. . .I managed to put up with her if you'd call it that. We weren't best friends but there were no problems until she involved herself in our marraige behind my back as far as letting my husband know what she thought about me as a wife and as a person. If she would've come to me and spoke about how she felt to my face with respect. . .things would have been way different. Also If she would've hung around for another week i SWEAR I would've pulled her throat out with my teeth.
and if he is talking to you and lying to her than you need to make sure he lets her know himself. hes a big boy. If he is infact lying he has other intentions.
If talking to him feels wrong or wierd than he definitley has other intentions.
trust your intuition, be respectful towards her, and let him know if he wants to be your friend and her husband that he needs to be honest with both of you or gtfo.
I suggest trying to hang out with her some. get to know her a bit and everything.
Move on...