Friday, 19 November 2010
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My Boyfriend Had a Baby With Another Woman
My boyfriend of five years just had a baby with another girl. I'm 20 and he's 21.
To be fair, we have one of those on-and-off relationships, but we always end up wanting to be with one another in the end. Last time we broke up was last year in March. We started talking in January again and before we got back together again, he told me he possibly got a girl pregnant but wasn't sure. I was devastated, but I had been with this guy for so long that I knew he loved me and I loved him.
When he told the other girl that he and I had gotten back together and that I supported him and was willing to accept the baby, she told him she had an abortion. I didn't believe her, but we let it go and never spoke to this girl again. Then, I found out I was pregnant in August and he was willing to be there for me. At first he was shocked, but then he was excited and so sweet.
Two weeks after I found out I was pregnant, I had a miscarriage. Again, he was there for me and was very supportive. We got through it and had a stronger relationship than ever until two weeks ago: the girl he messed around with said that she had the baby in September and that she didn't want anything with my boyfriend but she thought the baby deserved to have his dad around. My boyfriend said he was gonna be in the baby's life if it was his, and I supported him. It was devastating, though, to know my that high school sweetheart had a baby with someone else when I had lost my baby.
Yet, I was still willing to be with him. My boyfriend went to see the baby, and even though he didn't want it to be his, he said it was a mirror image of himself. I was devastated when he was describing the baby to me over the phone. I just hung up. Later, he told me that he was sorry and that he wished it was my baby not hers. I believe him. Lately, I've been confused and telling him that I do want to be with him; then I change my mind.
This past weekend he went to go take a paternity test and was there for five hours, which infuriated me because he was just going to take the test but he was spending time with the baby. We had agreed that he wasn't going to do that. But since the baby is a newborn, there's no other possible way for my boyfriend to see him unless he visits him. I love my boyfriend, but I don't know if I'm ready for all of this. He says he wants to be with me and only have a civil relationship with the other girl for the sake of his baby. He's right to say that, but I still don't know if I can handle this situation.
Has anyone been where I am right now?
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Comments (104)
First of all, why are you even with this guy? He loves you, yet he gets another woman pregnant, and that's somehow okay with you? It sounds like he's haivng the best of both worlds with you and with his other woman: have all the sex he wants with whomever he wants, have a baby he obviously adores, and there you are for him whenever he wants "real" lovin'? And the other woman says he wants nothing from him, yet wants him around "just for the baby"? And you believed that line?!?
Ma'am, you've been played, you're getting played again, and this is just going to end in a mess. Drop this dude until he can either decide to fish or cut bait...in fact, just flat dump him. There are better MEN out there for you if you'll simply take the time to look....
@JandJinJapan@xanga - if he got someone pregnant when they weren't together, i don't think he did anything wrong, and he should be there for the baby if it's his, that's what real gentlemen do when they make a mistake. i definitely wouldn't say she got played.
i think if you can't handle it, then you need to leave him. he needs to be there for his child, whether you can accept it or not. if you love him that much, you'll love the baby that is part of him.
It's incredibly hard. You can try to be supporting, but if you really can't handle it, then you can't.
This is a messy situation and you're both very young!
You need to ask yourself if you are mature enough to handle this kind of situation. If you are jealous of the baby then maybe you are not ready. Do not cause drama between him and his baby that is his child and he is a priority in his life now. You need to be able to handle the fact that this new baby is now a priority in his life and not just you.
If it was me, even if my boyfriend and I were in the "off" part of our relationship, I still couldn't be with him if he had a kid with another woman.
@AmeliaHart@xanga - Couldn't of said it any better.
I just think you need to really think about the situation and figure out like you said if you are ok with him having another child that will be part of his life forever. You might want to think about it later on tho that he might be able to have visitation
@TakingxOverxMe@xanga - @GettoPrincez83@xanga - This is why the term 'dating' or friends with benefits has no meaning at all to me. Sometimes I cannot understand why people would even try 'dating' from where I'm standing this guy doesn't love her, because he is hurting her. Maybe it's just me but real love takes a lot of time to grow, for even the concept to be there. Knowing someone so well you know exactly what they are thinking about just by the way their eyes move, knowing what they are feeling, understanding it to a deeper level than the connection you have with another. When someone lists your flaws in the reasons they love you, then you have found true love. In my opinion, let it go. It won't be easy, it will take time but you could have so much more. Being in love with someone, really loving them shouldn't feel like you are trapped and unwanted.
Actually, dude_this_world_sux@xanga, real gentlemen wouldn't screw around with another woman in the first place. It's applaudable that this dude is taking responsibility for his child....but saying he "loves" the author is a flat-out lie at the very best. If he really had cared for her, he'd have waited exclusively for her, and not gone wandering. That's what gentlemen do: they wait for the woman they love, not play some cat-and-mouse game where the relationship is on again, off again.
@JandJinJapan@xanga - I disagree with you.
Before they got back together again, he was upfront about possibly getting another girl pregnant. He let the other girl know where he and the OP stands in all of this, but the other girl told him she had gotten an abortion. It's one thing to get a girl pregnant while you're still in a relationship with someone else, but it's another to get a girl pregnant when you weren't even with that person.
How is he having best of both worlds when the other girl only wants him there for their child? He's doing what he needs to be doing for his child. He isn't playing neither of them.
I just think it was pretty shitty of the other girl to lied about it and come back nine months later saying she didn't get an abortion after all, but want the boyfriend to be there for his child.
Anyways, to the OP, being with someone who has a child with another person is hard. It takes a lot of maturity and patience to be in this kind of relationship. You also have to understand that HE is the baby's father (I'm assuming). You can't get upset over the fact that he's spending time with his newborn. That's what he's supposed to do.
I know that you're hurting and you probably think this is all unfair because you just had a miscarriage, but you have to think what kind of position your boyfriend is in also. This news probably surprised him as much as it did you.
Honestly, I think you just need to do some self evaluation and seek what you really want and need. If this relationship is too much for you to handle (right now), perhaps, it isn't for you. If you think you can put up with it, be aware that he will be spending a lot of time with his child (whether or not the mother of his child is presence), contributing emotionally and financially to his child, and making sacrifices in your relationship with him to be the kind of father figure that he wants to be for his child.
Simple, jeezshoua@xanga - the dude in quesiton gets what he wants, when he wants it, both from the mother of his child (in the form od "Dad" time with his child) and all the lay he wants from this author who can't seem to see through this guy like the screen door that he is. Glad he's taking care of his child. Again, admirable of him, but the fact of the matter is, he's playing around with this author. If he were serious, he'd have waited for her, the mother of his child and her antics notwithstanding. And after all, if the author decides to take soem time away from this dude again? He can always go back to the mother of his child. It's a pretty straightforward and simple pattern...
I met my boyfriend when he was married but separated from his wife. They only got married because he knocked her up and they thought it would be the right thing to do. Obviously it didn't work out but his son stays with us once a week and I adore him. Its a long and complicated story but basically, it sounds to me like you are either being selfish or wasting your time.
@JandJinJapan@xanga - Apparently, the mother of his child wants nothing to do with him, but for the child to have a father figure to be in his or her life. I don't see how he's getting anything from the mother of the child when she wants nothing from him. His primary time and concern is to his child; not the mother of the child.
See. In my opinion, he's not playing with her. If he is, how so? You can't expect someone to wait for another when the relationship ended. That's absurd. If both of them really loved each other, they shouldn't had broken up in the first place and they wouldn't be in the mess that they are now in.
You can't assume and stereotype that all or most baby's daddy or mama will go back to the father or mother of that child. It could happen but it could not as well. Everyone is their own individual person and everyone makes their own choices in life.
But I respect your perspective and opinion on the matter. It's good to see other perspectives and opinions on the matter as well so the OP can look at her situation from all different aspect and not just one. I still stand by what I originally posted.
The child is important to your boyfriend. I guess the best way for you to relate is to think about if the same thing had happened to you. If you had another guy's child, you would want to be there for the baby and have your boyfriend support you.
@JandJinJapan@xanga - i agree with u! it TOTALLY sounds like OP is being played. and it's even more likely because they're so young!
@jeezshoua@xanga - i understand what you're saying too. the mother of his child "wants nothing to do with him" is only what the father says though. it doesn't mean it's true. but if EVERYTHING the father said was true, i STILL wouldn't trust him. cuz u don't know how he interacts w/ the mother when OP isn't around (and the baby is around).. maybe the presence of the baby makes the father act more lovingly towards the mother?
but these things happen all the time.. like one person has a kid from a previous "marriage".. so shouldn't that father just raise the kid w/ OP? but i guess the mother (who is also a fcuking liar) wants to be with the kid.. so maybe OP should be there when he's over at the mother's place? if the mother wants nothing to do with the father, then she shouldn't mind.. but of course, she will
so i think OP should just dump the father. i doubt they're really meant for each other anyway, considering everything that has happened and the fact that they're so young.
You were infuriated because he stayed a few hours to see his child? That's messed up, on your end.
But ultimately, this just sounds like a giant mess. I think maybe it's time to cut the ties, learn the intended lesson, and find a guy who's life won't make yours such a mess. You're young.
And seriously...
Protection?
@xxx_MYLiFE@xanga - We can't guarantee anything that we read is true, but I'm under the impression on all of these things I read is true unless it's obvious that someone is trolling around. I always give these things the benefit of the doubt and give my advice based on the information that is given on the post.
The way I see it, if what the father was saying was true and you still wouldn't trust him, you shouldn't be in a relationship with him. Period. A relationship is build on trust and if there is no trust, there is no relationship from the start. Unless he has given her a reason NOT to trust him, she should give him the benefit of the doubt and trust him. Sorry, but a relationship wouldn't survive if you are always your boyfriend's or girlfriend's shadow.
Besides, if she decides to stay with him and accept his child as her own, this is what she'll have to deal with. I wouldn't necessarily say that the presence of the baby makes the father act more lovingly towards the mother, but if he wants to be civil with her, he can. If he wants to be something more than that with her, well, that's something that he, the mother of the child, and the OP will have to figure out on their own.
Saying the the father should raise the kid without the OP is ultimately their decision. Just because he or anyone else has a kid does not mean they are doom to be single forever raising their children. And of course the mother of the child want to be in his/her life. She didn't decide to keep it and raise it just to give it to the father. She is the mother of the child after all. Of course she'll want to be a part of the child's life as well.
I agree that the OP should "sometimes" go with her boyfriend to meet the newborn. It would be nice to have a bonding time with the child and perhaps, meet the mother of the child and get to know her as well. I mean, she is going to be in her boyfriend's life for the next eighteen years or so. It gotta start somewhere.
Something similar happened to someone I know. She told him that since he got the girl pregnant, that it was also his responsibility, and she told him that he should marry the girl and take care of his baby. The guy claimed he loved the girl that I know, but she still told him to be where he was needed. After the baby was taken care of, he eventually went back to the girl I know, and they're still together.
So basically, let him do what needs to be done. If he's responsible for getting the girl pregnant, he should own up to it, and you should make him. I know it would be painful, but you don't want a man running from his responsibilities. If he truly wants to be with you, in the end he will come back.
AWWW HEEEEELLLLLLL NAW.
You have to really look at the situation at hand and determine for yourself if this is something you can really handle. You're upset that he's taking responsibility for his actions and wanting to spend time with his child? Grow up. Assuming it's his child, he has EVERY RIGHT to be responsible and see his child, and if you can't handle that, do both of yourselves a favor and end the relationship.
i really wont care if my bofriend didnt take care of his child. im way to selfish to be in this type of situation..i believe the author is too young to be in this type of situation. babys' take up alot of time and attention and thats something i couldnt deal with.
Listen, you were apart for awhile, it was only a matter of time before he began dating again. you said you guys were on and off, but from what i read he wasn't with you when he knocked this chick up. As much as it is fucked up, you have to admit that it is his child and if not because i wants to be there, he should atleast do it for the wellbeing of the child. Also, didnt the other girl say she was getting an abortion? did she change her mind last minute and have it anyway and then decide last minute to tell him? if so, he kinda got boxed in if you ask me.
I know its hard, but if he loves you and you love him, you can make this work. but you gotta give it time. This is something he has to do. its not that you should be approving of it, or be ok with it..but try to be accepting of it because its too late for him to go back. you have to also figure..he really wanted a baby with you. it is unfortunate you had the miscarriage, but its clear that if he had a say in the matter, he'd want your baby over hers.
My advice? try and stick it out, but dont use love as an excuse to stay in an unhappy relationship.
things can get tricky, i only know one situation thats similar. 2 of my old friends. the girl got pregnant. the dad was a jerk and her current boyfriend decided to raise it as if it was his own. i actually think its very unhealthy because neither can talk about the father to each other because its such a sensitive subject.
You have to think...do you love him? Do you love him enough to be able to share him with a child? To probably be stuck at home (or, on occasion, brought with) to birthday parties and such for this baby? It sounds like you are jealous of this baby and, to a point, I get it. I understand you want to have your baby with him and him not to have a baby with someone else. I understand that's the plate you want to eat off of, but another plate was served and the baby is with someone else. I will tell you this...if he wants to be involved in the child's life (and it sounds like he does) then you canNOT stand in the way. You cannot tell him when he can and cannot see his child, you cannot make him agree to "go take a test and don't spend time with the child come straight home." If you do this, he will soon see you as a threat to father-son relationship and YOU will be out the door. No matter what happens he has a child in the world...that child. But he doesn't need you as a girlfriend.
Just think about it. If you really don't think you can handle sharing him with his child, then maybe it's not your time to be together. That doesn't mean that you're not EVER gonna be together, but you need to grow up a little. I dont mean that in a bad way...you're still young, this was not only a surprise but it's a big responsibility and a big adjustment...and it's one you dont HAVE to make. Your boyfriend has to make it...you get a choice in the matter whether you do or not. So think about it.
@JandJinJapan@xanga - the problem is, he shouldn't be expected to wait around for some unknown. they weren't together, so he was free to do as he pleased. he isn't still "getting what he wants" from the mother, he is just simply getting time with his child. you can't expect the mother to be okay with another woman she doesn't know in her child's life all the time, so the father will undoubtedly be around the baby without her. it seems like he made a mistake with this other woman, realizes it, and wants to make things right all around. he doesn't seem like he's messing with her, it seems like he's really trying to do right by both women and the baby.