Friday, 19 November 2010
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Love at First Lay: The Biology of Why You May Not Be in Love, Ladies.
I'll come right out and say it girls: sometimes, we're way too hard on our men.
When it comes to relationships, we expect to always be on the same wavelength. They should love us as much as we love them, need us as much as we need them, be as attached as we are...
But is that really fair? Science suggests not.
The truth is, girlies, maybe the men are the ones seeing clearly sometimes. Do you really know the difference between biological attachment after sex and real love?
Ever wonder why you seem so much more attached to a guy than he does to you after the two of you have at it? Relationship and sex expert Ian Keller explained in an MSNBC report:
"One of the reasons is that during sex, women produce lots of oxytocin, a hormone that stimulates a strong emotional connection. As a result, women are more emotionally integrated when it comes to sex. That’s why casual sex and hookups often backfire for lots of women. Guys produce little to no oxytocin, and can easily have sex without any sense of emotional connection. It’s sex with no emotional strings attached."
Now, of course, this is not to say that men have no emotional connection to sex. But it does suggest something interesting-- how does this affect our perception of what we believe to be love?
To me, love is a connection to someone in a way that is more meaningful and complete than the feelings for family or friends. There is the urge to be near the person, care for the person, make the person happy and share your life with the person. And then, of course, there is the attraction.
Now, hypothetically, if that is love to me, and I've had sex with someone before I've completely established my feelings for him, how can I really tell the difference between what I believe to be love and nothing more than a hormone-driven post-sex attachment?
Everyone's definition of love is different, for sure, since it's a highly personal experience between two people. With that in mind...
Have you ever confused attachment for love? How do you tell the difference? Is avoiding sex too soon the only way to keep this from happening?
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About the Author
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- From: KerrSull
- About Me: I'm a 24 year old serial monogamist who oddly thinks she knows everything while continuing to have tons of questions about that crazy little thing called love.
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Comments (25)
It's true. I used to think that guys thought the same way I did, which was if we were to have sex or hookup, they'd like more. That's not EXACTLY what I thought at the time necessarily. Looking back, I can see what my mindset was at the time, but back then, I had no clue what I was really seeking.
But anyway, it's not that way for guys. The way I learned the difference was to learn it for myself, unfortunately. It took me a while to realize that I didn't mean anything to (some) of them if we had sex.
I'm a virgin, so I have no experience with this, but I've known about that oxytocin thing for a while. Personally I've always believed that I should love someone before I sleep with them. This just gives me more of a reason :P
I did.I had sex with my one of my best friends who I thought I was in love with and thought had romantic feelings towards me as well, but turns out he just wanted to fuck me to get back at his girlfriend who cheated on him. I thought I really did have strong feelings for him at the time, but looking back on it, I really did not know him at all and he thought of me as nothing but something to get his frustrations out on and an experiment to see if he could actually have casual sex.
it's interesting... i wonder if i make LESS oxytocin than other women. i always find it so ludicrous when people talk about sex being the ultimate emotional connection between two people. it could be because i don't get that rush of emotion after sex. i'm far more likely to find non-sexual activities emotional.
Here's an interesting argument, what is love in terms of biology? Isn't love just a state in which the chemical balance in your body triggers psychological/emotional/physical responses? Isn't love just a result of someone saying things, spending time with you, in such a way that your neurons, your synapses, have rearranged themselves, have activated neuroreceptors and cellular receptors to induce a chemical state in your body?
When it comes down to it, love is just like oxytocin-based attachment, it's a chemical state. There's no two ways about it.
@too_pretty_to_die@xanga - I've wondered the same thing.
I've always thought I had more of a guy mentality where relatinships are concerned because sex isn't all that emotional for me, before, during or after, and I tend to be a bit of a commitment phobe.
Strange it's the opposite for me. I feel really connected after wards and I want to be really close and snuggle up to the person. I don't care for casual sex that much I would prefer to be in a relationship than to just be having sex with whoever. I guess the wiring in my brain must have gotten messed up lols.
Waiting to have sex is probably the best solution to find out if it's real love (or something similar). Usually when theres nothing but sex in the relationship I kinda figure
that it's just the sex that's making someone like me, so I like to test
it.If I have sex early and start to notice the girl getting that oxytocin rush, I try to stop having sex for a couple weeks see if that feeling goes away (which it usually does).
well i'm glad to see i'm not the only one who realizes this. it's part of why i think people are only in relationships for sex. the ironic result is that if a guy is looking for an emotional connection, he can't really be sure that he's getting one.
I thought I read Oxycotin. I was planning to poison a boy before hooking up. Darn.
I guess I've felt that way before or maybe I was just too infatuated with him. I dunno.
@oMeGaXmK2@xanga - Exactly.
@JulesCaesar@xanga - WOW. This is exactly how I lost my virginity. It was awful. Has been 4 years but I still hope he burns in hell.
@too_pretty_to_die@xanga - I felt the same way until I had sex with my current boyfriend. So maybe it's a good mechanism for us to only attach to the right guys. Even still, I him push away and pass out right after I orgasm. haha
@lonelystrangergirl@xanga - Hahahaha
@JusticeCho@xanga - agreed
oh dear, this confuses everything so much.
but i suppose that's why i'm waiting to 'do it'.
I always wondered why I felt so close and emotional after sex... wow. This is really useful information.
I thought i was in love with the person I lost my virginity to (I def loved him but maybe it was oxytocin overloads that took it so far...) and the other few people I've had sex with I felt pretty close to afterward.. but I guess i really wouldn't know unless i had sex with someone I HATED. Then if I felt like I loved them... that would be insane! I've only had sex with people I've already loved/liked so..Well damn, my boyfriend and I have emotionless sex all the time. I really don't get that "I love you" feeling after sex. And I can't cuddle after sex, I just want to lay there and sleep or do something that is so far from anything sex related. I mean yeah, it feels good, but after I'm done, that's it, I'm done, lol. I just feel empty, like, I had all of this tension built up and then after sex, it's gone, and there's nothing more to do or feel. I'm just blank, I guess you could say. I don't feel more attached. It's like after I lost my virginity, it didn't make me feel more attached to that person or even change anything, I still felt the same. Sometimes I feel like something is wrong with me.
@too_pretty_to_die@xanga - you may be on to something!
I'm sort of the same way. I've been intimate with guys and developed no emotional connection with them. For me, physical attraction is important, as well as morals and ideals. If I find someone who is a "match" for me, meaning that we have similar ideals/morals and the attractiveness factor is there, then I will pursue a more intimate relationship with them. My boyfriend and I, we have similar morals and ideals and I find him really attractive, but the first time we had sex, I have to admit that there were no fireworks there. We had to keep working on that aspect of the relationship, and now, when we are intimate, I feel a much stronger connection. If I had based a relationship off of our first encounter, I probably would have dumped him. I think that it varies for some people, and it depends on our views and feelings towards sex.
@HollowTendencies@xanga - It's like after I lost my virginity, it
didn't make me feel more attached to that person or even change
anything, I still felt the same. Sometimes I feel like something is
wrong with me.
BINGO! And i'm a very emotional person so I feel weird about it myself.
I loved my boyfriend but I didn't feel closer to him afterwards. And although sometimes after sex I may get that lovely dovey it isn't always.
@HollowTendencies@xanga - No offense. But that sounds like something a guy would say. Don't pin it on me though I love cuddling haha.
@lonelystrangergirl@xanga - lmao!
@too_pretty_to_die@xanga - same here :))
The feeling of infatuation. tsktsktsk