We don't have to look very far to know that marriages are failing in America and most of the Western world.
If you get married today, you statistically have a higher chance of divorcing than staying together. This is sobering, and merits a good look at ourselves. Why do marriages and relationships fail?
The partial answer is selfishness. It's true that we all want to be loved, cared for, adored, and treated like we are the cream in someone's coffee. These are good and right things to want. It seems that if people would just shut up and listen to each other, we all really want the same thing. We all want the best for us.
The hard part comes when what we want doesn't match up with the thing someone else wants. We might really think someone is wonderful and want to be with them, but they have their eye on someone else. We might want to be free to play video games for hours after work, and our wife wants to sit and talk. We might think shopping is no big deal, but our husband seems to roll over and play silent/cold/dead if he finds out where we've been. We want the same outcome, but different paths to get there. W
e are selfish. We want our way.This next paragraph will go a bit further than most will want to read, but bear with me. We have to look at why we are so selfish.
Why do we fight if we want the same thing? We can't we give in? There reason is pretty simple...we are all broken. Something in us was made to want to love others and make them happy at first, but then it broke. For a Christian like me (and maybe you), you immediately recognize this as sin... a fallen nature... the separation from God and what we were made to be. Sin has broken us.
This is the reason we are so selfish and won't ever be completely happy with anyone. Because we are all broken, we will all fail each other.
That cute guy with dimples and a hot body will forget to call you. That girl who seemed so perfect also has an annoying laugh and a mother who won't butt out. Life isn't perfect. Some people can't get past this in a relationship...they realize they can't get what they want and they leave. Never mind breaking hearts or kids who won't have a dad anymore. We have learned to serve our own selfishness.
In generations past, people realized that life wasn't perfect, but they had determined to stick it out. They learned to be happy with each other in imperfection. Life wasn't any better back then, but people choose to not give in to selfishness as much.
I'm not talking about staying through abuse, but just the everyday grating the comes from living with another imperfect person. The key to their happiness was to look past themselves, to look past their spouse, and to look to something else...either God, or a cause, or the family...or country...something else that was bigger and more important than their own immediate pleasure.
This is why premarital sex is a big deal to me. It's not that sex is so bad (it isn't), but it's so self-serving and grasping for immediate gratification.
Waiting means you are caring more about the relationship in the future (should it come to either marriage...or eventual marriage to someone else). You are saying with your body - I want you, but I'd rather not be selfish right now so that my husband or wife later can have all of me. It's a great practice for not being selfish in a marriage.
To be fulfilled in a relationship, dating, marriage...sharing a life together or a cup of coffee...we have to realize that this imperfection is mutual. If we can get past this, I think relationships will be less about being selfish and more about becoming a lover to each other...warts and all.
What do you think?
True 
Comments (21)
Cause it's not meant to be. That is all.
Hey, love takes work on the part of two people. That's two strikes against it from the beginning. Finding two people to be that commited to something that requires work is very difficult. Usually it's only a matter of time until the third strike pops. But, it can and does happen that strike three never crosses the plate.
What do I think? I think this belongs on ReveLife, not Datingish.
@Lydia_Lynne@xanga - It can go to both since it deals with relationships for Datingish and God for Revelife. It's perfectly fine, in my opinion anyhow. If it was completely out of the ballpark, then yeah, it wouldn't belong to Revelife.
There are many reasons why it doesn't work..too numerous to say. And don't forget that people get married for the wrong reasons too. That's another big reason as well.
Love isn't about finding a perfect person, it's about learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.
I can definitely agree with your thoughts on selfishness and seeking perfection, though obviously these aren't the only reasons for the terrible marriage and divorce statistics these days. A lot of people I know balk at the first signs of struggle rather than trying to work through things, and that's not just confined to married couples. Love isn't really like the fairytales, and some people just won't accept anything less.
@midnightblu3@xanga - touche.
@midnightblu3@xanga - Love this. :)
I agree with the OP, and it kind of just goes along with the rest of modernity--we favour our own convenience and instant gratification, and that in itself seems selfish.
Agreed... I feel like there's a separate issue from "it's wasn't meant to be." First you find someone you actually really like and I think we all know the feeling that sets in, the comfort. It's just that right feeling. If you haven't gotten it yet, maybe you haven't met someone who's a very good match for you(meaning that you might have met people who work just fine, but aren't ideally the best choices! Those you can walk away from, being somewhat selfish.)
Now once you cross that line and you know you adore them, whatever... that's where people start to do what the OP said. "Honeymoon" phase ends, or just isn't as prominent. There are other things in life that can come between people, big or small. If they gave you that feeling I'm talking about way earlier and you've pictured your future together, maybe then you shouldn't let things get in the way. You can't be selfish at that point! You might lose the best person to ever walk into your life. That's just the way I see it though.
Maybe it's more socially acceptable than it used to be to be happily divorced instead of unhappily married.
Also, you seem to have fallen victim to a commonsense statistic that everyone "knows" is true, but that is only cited by people who haven't actually looked into it. Read this.
actually, the divorce rate is falling...
marriages fail because people expect too much. everyone thinks marriage should be a fairytale all the time, and obviously it's not. there are also too many options, so when things start to go sour, people are more willing to jump ship because there's always someone else, instead of realizing all things in life have ups and downs and riding it out or actively working to make it better. plus, it is more socially acceptable now to be divorced.
it's like, if you ever think you deserve better (esp in the heat of the moment), have you ever stopped to think that maybe your PARTNER deserves better? this ties into the selfishness thing mentioned in the post.
@Lydia_Lynne@xanga - It's on both :)
Wonderful, wonderful post.
Actually, this is completely wrong. If you were really looking not to be "selfish" you would be sharing your body with as many people as possible, lol.
Selfishness is required for love.
But here's the funny thing: sex is not a selfish act, particularly when BOTH parties are truly in love and know they want it. It's actually a very selfless act - saying, "Here's my body, my soul, my love - take it and do with it as you will, because I trust that you'll do the right thing."
And here's a hint: marriage doesn't determine love. I don't have to get married to someone to suddenly realize, "Hey! I love this person!" I also don't have to get married to someone JUST because I realize I love them and want to have sex with them. If love is truly there, the sex follows naturally. No piece of paper can determine that, and believe me, if a relationship isn't meant to last, then no piece of paper is going to keep it together.
Well back in the day women were mostly forced to be married because the dad didn't want to support the girl for the rest of her life, and men married for prestige and a trophy wife. Once divorce became common in the 1970s and 1980s, women gained independence. This is when women finally began to truely leave the "cult of domesticity" and independence was becoming a good thing for a woman. Since today we mostly marry for love, if the other person doesn't fulfill our needs we have the right to leave, both people being independent, but with possible broken hearts.
why is there a picture of a couple holding garden scissors
married people eventually become psychos and turn into the itchy & scratchy show from the simpsons, and they either tolerate each others' annoying quirks that drive them crazy and make up or divorce.
I like this post :)
I agree with your thoughts on sticking it through the "for worse" and not just the "for better" part when you get married, but sometimes as humans we make mistakes. And no matter how much we want to make it work, if both are not committed in doing so, it's best to let go..
I really liked this post. It reminded me why I'm saving myself and makes it seem that much more worth it when the time comes.
i liked this post.
id rather find a godly woman who i can walk with straight into love with god waiting for us in the center.
i dont want to stumble around and eventually fall into it unintentionaly
edit* just want to add, i love when you say "To be fulfilled in a relationship, dating, marriage...sharing a life together or a cup of coffee...we have to realize that this imperfection is mutual. "
<3