Tuesday, 16 November 2010
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If I Dated Him, You Can't Have Him
You dated him over a year ago, so why are you acting like he's your property?
Recently, a friend of mine found happiness with a guy. She's been single for four years and was really excited about this. But wait! He's the ex of one of her friends. Drama ensues.
Now, my friend told her friend about how she felt about this guy, didn't hide anything from her. But the friend is still mad. Meanwhile, they dated over a year ago. For a week.
Um, what?
For most people, there is a code of dating honor between friends. Don't date my ex, I won't date your ex, etc. But what about certain situations like the one I described above?
It would be understandable if my friend had never told her friend, but she was respectful and tried to talk to her about it. I, personally, think it's OK. If this applied to me, I would tell my friend that it was fine (I mean seriously. One week? That doesn't even count).
How would you handle this situation? Has this ever happened to you? Do you uphold a "no dating the ex" code?
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- From: Nevermore_Nightmare@xanga
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Comments (70)
it depends on the situation. my best friend and i both were with the same guy (at different times), and for awhile it was very hard to handle but we pushed through it. we cared about each other more than the guy. usually it's a no, though. unless the other person is truly moved on/doesn't give a shit about their ex (which actually can happen though rare).
Ahhhh, children, children....
Ok, the ex is being very juvenile about this. A week definitely doesn't count in this situation.
I've never understood this rule. I mean, if you just broke up and your friend jumps on him, that's not okay, but if you've moved on, or its been at least 6 months, who cares?
thats lame. if it was the great love of her life it would be one thing, but the rule doesnt apply to casual relationships.
I had a friend date my ex once. It just caused problems between us..He wasn't very nice though - he'd basically lie to her about me and didn't want her talking to me..So obviously it was an issue. It wasn't too long after we broke up that they were together. Soon after she thought the break up was both of our faults..He would get mad at me for no reason, be ignorant..yell at me, and then ignored me for two weeks and expected me to get back together with him..Even though she stuck up for me throught out all, all of a sudden according to her it had to take two people for that to happen, not just one. Until he did the same thing to her. Even though this was the perfect, 'I told you so,' situation for me - I definitely wouldn't suggest dating your friend's ex. I don't know when it's ever been an okay thing to do.
I knew this guy for like, 6 years and dated for 2 months..A week seems very fast to have strong feelings for someone but hey, it happens. Maybe she really liked the guy..
How would I handle this situation? It's simple. If I was the ex of my friend's current beau, I'll give her the go for it! sign because 1) we dated a year ago and 2) it was only for a week. I probably wouldn't even considered him or I being in a relationship with each other. I mean, what kind of relationship only last a week? Were they in elementary school? And is it even worth being a bitch and creating unwanted drama and tension for everyone? I think not.
My circle of friends and I never had this code. I guess because we all had different taste in guys. We didn't find or were attracted to each others exes after the relationship ended. We all just move on to different guys. But if one of my friends wanted to date an ex of mines, I'll be totally find with it but andunless I was in a long term commitment with the guy and I'm not over him yet; I would want my friend to be considerate and wait until I was okay with em dating. I have no problem with people dating my exes, but it all comes down to the timing.
I don't know... in all honesty, I just avoid this. I'm sure there are gray areas, but I've always looked at it this way: I have two best girlfriends. They are absolutely irreplacable in my life. I've dated tons of guys... 90% of them were entirely replacable. So I guess I've just never felt like it was worth the risk.
Plus, if any of my friends had dated my long-term boyfriend after we were done, I would have had them assassinated. Promptly. =)
girls are so dramatic... seriously just get over it. They are an ex!!!!
I think people who enforce this "rule" never got over their ex. I could care less if my friends date any of my exes; they're in the past. If they make you happy, have at it.
Well if the relationship only lasted a week, then whatever that's fine.
BUT, if my friend were to date a guy who I dated for more than a month, had strong feelings for, was in love with....well she wouldn't be my friend anymore. I don't care how long ago it was, unless I completely moved on from him.
If they truly love each other, I don't think it's anyone else's business. Only a week? I wouldn't even count that. Good luck to your friend and her guy. :)
I think it's stupid in general. As long as you're over the person, it shouldn't matter whether you dated them or not. Assuming friends are similar in nature (which is usually true), it makes sense that someone that was good for one friend might be good for another friend after that ends. Why deny your friend happiness over a rule with no real reason behind it?
the ex is being ridiculous...it was a week over a year ago, he was never yours honey haha.
i dated my best friends ex like a month after they broke up, so i know firsthand some people can be cool about it, so she's clearly being ridiculous. only girls...haha
i don't follow the ex rule at all. it's just ridiculous. if you're over them, why do you care? if you aren't, you have some issues to deal with (unless it was an extremely recent breakup). honestly, i've always seen it as incredibly selfish to ask your friends never to date your exes. what if they're perfect for each other?
@WannaBeFit73@xanga - LOL cos a month is so long!!! ............
To be honest, a week, a few days...I never got the deal with people and why they would want to get with someone one of their friends have already got with in the first place, whether it was for a week or a year, a long time ago, whatever...
I just think it's disgusting to share the same guys with friends. I'm pretty sure there are plenty of guys in the sea who friends haven't hooked up with to avoid this in the first place.
Whether or not I like a guy, if a guy tries to get with me after a one night stand with a friend of mine or even a casual relationship, I would never go for him. I don't want sloppy seconds whether he was with a friend for a week or a year.
@hallentine@xanga - Nowhere did I say that.
isn't there a rule for how long you're supposed to wait?
If a friend dated an ex I wouldn't mind because they would then be my ex-friend...
I wouldn't date my best friend's exes because she is like a pseudo-sister to me and I don't cross that line. if it was a whatever friend, I don't care, if he is single and I'm interested, he isn't hers
dating friends ex's is just messy. besides, there's a reason they're your best friends ex. even if your best friend was interested in a guy and got shut down, you're still not supposed to go after that guy. It just hurts.
i also have a girl code that i hold onto also, i would be upset too because that's my ex and i don't want any of my friends to date him too, doesn't matter how long we've broken up, it's a definite no.
They dated. For a week. A year ago prior. This is so damn juvenile, it's ridiculous. There should be no reason this girl's even upset about someone dating her ex when they only dated for a week over a year ago.
I have a friend who really annoys the shit out of me over issues like this... Her self-esteem is sooo low that she has to have the attention all the time. She immediately hates her ex's girlfriends, regardless as to whether or not she knew the girl before he dated her. She gets around... a lot. She has been with 30 something guys. If she has slept with a guy, her friends aren't allowed to touch him. Part of the problem with this is that some of the guys she hits on or sleeps with are guys she KNOWS her friends like or have feelings for. If her friend has a boyfriend and he hits on her she will do the right thing and tell her friend... but at the same time, she thinks its funny. She reminds me of a dog marking its territory. She and I are still friends because we have been friends for over half of our lives... for the most part, though, I've had nothing to do with her for the last 10 months. Shes just to much drama for me anymore. She has always been a little selfish... but now shes just impossible.
I personally have dated 2 guys who have dated my friends... Im actually still friends with my current boyfriend's ex-fiance. She has no problem with us being together, so why should I feel bad about it?
As for this post.... the girl dated the guy a week?! She needs to grow up and get over it. If she had been truly in love with the guy and he crushed her heart, used her, or abused her then it would be understandable for her to be upset. I have a couple ex's who dated numerous friends of mine after we split. It never bothered me at all. My theory is that they are my ex for a reason... if I still wanted them, I'd go get them back.