Tuesday, 16 November 2010
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Dear Kerry: He's Threatened By My Guy Friends
Do you have a dating or relationships question, and want advice from our experienced advice columnist Kerry? Email her your dating and relationship Q's at DearKerryAdvice@gmail.com or submit an anonymous letter to Datingish with "Dear Kerry" as the title. Your question could be featured on Datingish!
Today's letter involves a jealous boyfriend.
Dear Kerry,
I have a boyfriend who I love very much, but we are different in some ways. His circle of friends consists of only guys, so those are the only people he hangs out with. Me, I'm different. I have many guy friends and I like hanging out with them more than the girls.
Whenever I hang out with my guy friends, my boyfriend gets extremely jealous and angry. He keeps telling me that I should not talk to any of them.
I know he is upset, but at the same time I don't feel like I should have to give up my friends because he's jealous.
Also the bad part is that if he did the same thing (hung out with girls), I know I would get jealous and act the same as him. I do not know what to do in this situation.
Help,
Jealousy Issues
Well, and I'm going to say this as delicately as I can, it seems to me that we not only have jealousy issues here... we have some serious maturity issues.
One of my favorite movies, When Harry Met Sally, says that men and women can't be friends while in a relationship in this explanation by Harry:
Of course, Harry does have a point. If there is a sexual tension in the way, the friendship may be doomed. Ask yourself this: do you flirt with your friends in front of your SO? Does he have any reason to believe you would cheat on him with one of these friends?
Here are a few things that would, as your boyfriend, give him a right to question your friendships:
- You've cheated in the past with a friend.
- One of these friends is your ex.
- You've hooked up with one of these friends.
- You've expressed in the past a sexual attraction to one or more of these friends.
If some or all of these apply to you, examine your boyfriend's jealous perspective. He may have a point here, and you may need to have a serious conversation with him to establish trust. These things don't mean you can't be friends with these guys, just that you may owe your boyfriend some explanation as to why he need not worry.
If none of these apply to you, then it's back to the old "Time to Grow Up" drawing board. And for the both of you.
Sit your boyfriend down and explain to him that if the two of you are going to be in a serious relationship, then you need to act maturely and establish some level of trust. If you wanted to be dating or hooking up with one of your friends, you would be doing so, and not dating him. This might sound harsh, but a blunt statement like that can really open someone's eyes, especially when that someone is behaving unreasonably.
How well does he know your friends? Invite your boyfriend to hang with you and your guy friends, and do it a lot. Let him see the platonic dynamic you have so that he can put his mind at ease.
I myself am in a long term relationship with a guy who is friends with tons of girls. I trust him, and although sometimes it's difficult, I realize that guys and girls can be friends and should be friends. I daresay that my boyfriend having so many platonic girl friends has made him much more understanding of me as a girl.
Having lots of guy friends shows that you can get along well with guys and even be "one of the guys," which is a plus, because remember-- you're not just in a romantic relationship with your boyfriend, you're also friends. Let him in on this, and hopefully it will help him to look at the situation a little more maturely.
And here comes the hard truth of my advice: you may also have some maturing to do yourself. How can you expect your boyfriend to be free from jealousy when you admit that you yourself would feel the same emotions? Imposing a double standard like that is another sign that you need to examine yourself and how maturely you are approaching this relationship.
If you really love your boyfriend and he loves you, this is not a situation that should end a relationship. The two of you should always be growing and learning from each other. Let it start with you.
Make the first move and be active in resolving these immature jealousy issues, and you two will be on your way to a healthy, committed relationship with the strongest foundation there is: a foundation of trust.
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About the Author
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- From: KerrSull
- About Me: I'm a 24 year old serial monogamist who oddly thinks she knows everything while continuing to have tons of questions about that crazy little thing called love.
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Comments (13)
Your boyfriend seems to be controlling and manipulative by the looks of it. You shouldn't have to "give up" anyone for your significant other, but you two should sit down (at a neutral time) and talk about it.
I agree with Kerry that you should invite your significant other to hang out with your guy friends to put his mind at ease and to reassure him that they are just your friends. That's all you really can do. The rest is up for him to decide how he's going to approach the matter.
If you did do any of the things that Kerry listed (i.e. cheated in the past, one of these friends is your ex, hooked up with one of these friends, or expressed in the past a sexual attraction to one or more of these friends), IMO, it's in the past and your boyfriend should leave it in the past unless you gave him a reason to be suspicious. If he TRUST you, he would know that if any of your "guy friends" threw themselves on you, you will get up and leave. End of story.
Then again, perhaps he does trust you, but he isn't comfortable with you hanging out with your guy friends. But if that's the case, it doesn't explain his anger and jealous issue either.
You already put yourself in his shoes and your reaction was pretty much similar to his - so I ask you, how will you expect him to work out the problem with you coming from his perspective?
@jeezshoua@xanga - how is he being manipulative? her boyfriend only has same sex friendships so he probably doesn't know any other way. sounds to me like it's a difference of lifestyles and beliefs. I'm not sure where the manipulation is taking place.
My opinion is this: Harry had it spot on. The secret attraction will always be there, whether it's reciprocated or a one way street. Humans are visual animals... over time we make everything visually pleasing; cars, houses, food, and evermore so today our physical look.
Plus it's unnatural. Adam and Eve weren't friends. The first homo-sapiens weren't friends. They were just about making babies. Now I'm not saying every male-female relation/friendship should be purely about pro-creation, but to all the women that have a bunch of male friends and "don't get along" with other females and think everything is fine and dandy, dream on.
If you're a woman and look anywhere near average, all you have to do is blink to find 10 guy 'friends' waiting to catch u slipping. Cheap friendships.
You shouldn't have to give up your friends because of his issues. However, you should not expect him to do something you yourself would or could not do. That being said, your boyfriend needs to realize that you have your friends, and Kerry's right. If you were interested in any of your other guy friends, you wouldn't be dating him. It seems that both of you need some major growing up.
@baggageclaime@xanga - Sorry to say but you're terribly wrong. Most of my friends are guys (I do have some female friends as well) and I don't have any sort of sexual attraction to them at all and the same goes for them. Their my buddies :)
@baggageclaime@xanga - He is being manipulative because he was trying to control and influence her to not talk to any of her male friends for his own advantage. He gets extremely jealous and angry because of it. I don't think it's fair. At all. But then again, she admit it herself that she would feel the same way if the table was turn, so both parties really do need to take a step back and do some self evaluations on this issue on hand.
I disagree with your comment. It is natural for a female to be friends with a male or many male (with or without female friends) - without being sexually attracted to em.
One of my best friends was a male and we were just friends. We didn't have any romantic sparks flying in the air between us. It can happen.
And if you want to get biblical, God created Eve because it was not good for the man to be alone. God created a helper suitable for him. To be his friend. His partner. His mate. The mother of his children. It's more than sex, imo.
@jeezshoua@xanga - Sorry but just cuz you were able to have one successful platonic relationship doesn't make this any more natural. I can see why you personally would believe it is, and I guess that is what this subject ultimately comes down to: personal opinion. But there's no way completely platonic male-women relationships are 100% natural. If it were so, why else would it be a topic of so much discussion and debate. If I had a dime every time I've seen this topic on datingish alone....
As for his manipulation, I don't see the personal advantage he gains. Maybe if he had a bunch of homegirls and he still got upset, but he doesn't. It may not be to you, but it's completely fair, especially since the OP admits to feeling the same way.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not against different sex friendships, but it almost always leads to a hookup, or one member of the party being hurt it didn't. I still think guys should stick to doing guy things (video games and sports, etc) and leave the girl stuff to the girls (like shopping, gossip, etc).
And anyone that has only opposite sex friends has to have some kind of social deficit. They need to ask what it is about themselves that makes getting along with ppl of the same gender difficult. Surely you can agree with that.
@UnconventionalButterfly@xanga - I'm gonna guess you can't legally buy cigarettes. This is grown up talk.
@baggageclaime@xanga - No need to be rude,sir. Age has nothing to do with anything. Just for the record..cigs are disgusting. Just because you can't be friends with the opposite sex without attraction does not mean other people can't. Open up your mind.
@baggageclaime@xanga - I have more than one successful platonic relationships with the male gender, but I do see where you are coming from and I do agree that this subject ultimately comes down to our personal opinion.
I also agree that anyone who only has opposite sex friends has to have some kind of social deficit. IMO, I think it's healthy to have both gender friends and not just one. It does make me ponder why a person would only have opposite sex friends.
Anyways, I feel that he gains a person advantage if the OP does what he says because she's no longer keeping her friendships with her male friends because he said so. She loses some people and friendship that she values for his own personal and selfish reasons. But I can't say much because she admits it herself that she would feel the same way so really, it's a lose lose situation.
sounds delightful!
lol and the big thing is.. you simply like keeping him jealous lol
I don't think the boyfriend is being manipulative at all. Are you joking? He only has guy friends so for him he doesn't know what it's like so it's frustrating and I sure know what that can feel like. So to pinpoint him as a manipulative person is pretty stupid because it's not like he has girl friends and he's telling her "no, you can't have any guy friends!" he just doesn't know how to cope with this. WHICH IS NORMAL.
On that note, I DO certainly believe that men and woman can be friends without any sexual feelings involved. However, I've seen the opposite occur as well when feelings DO develop so for me it would solely depend on the people itself who are involved. Some are capable of controlling their feelings and having purely friendship-based relationships with the opposite sex...and others are not and that's when the doubt comes into the picture...
Anyways, yeah, if we're going to call the boyfriend manipulative then we sure as hell should call the GIRLFRIEND in this case manipulative because she even admits to being jealous if he was in her situation! Talk about hypocritical. I don't think she should have double standards like that and then get upset when he expresses his frustration/anger/jealousy/what-have-you to her about it.
They need to work that out because it's going to only get bigger and eventually it will lead to a possessive relationship.
I prefer to think of 'guy friends' as hyenas who are starving, missed their last meal time with you, and are still on the prowl for the remains of your current relationship.
I don't doubt there are existing valid friendships in the opposite sex realm, but i am always wary. Guys are not to be trusted.
As to tell you who to hang or not hang with ... that is foul. That is far too jealous and fasr more to controlling. Keeping your SO in a lock box is detrimental to the relationship. The reprecussions of such may end with the 'Lockbox SO' cheating out of unhappiness, or being inadvertently coaxed into such a situation.
My two cents~aCe
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