Monday, 15 November 2010
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When "Caring" Becomes Controlling
When does caring become controlling in terms of a relationship?For once, I'm not going to talk about myself and my fucked up relationships. Instead, I'm going to talk about a close friend of mine and her fucked up relationship.
My friend Christina Yuliano, 19, had been in a relationship for about 14 months. Throughout the 14 months, the once very happy couple soon began to decay and fall to nothing. They fought EVERY SINGLE DAY.
Why did they fight, you ask? The guy she was dating was far too controlling and over-protective.
Whether it was talking to her old male friend from high school or going out with her girls, Mike grew angry and jealous. "Baby, it's because I care about you." or "It's only because I love you that I get so worried" shortly followed the long, intense, and gruesome fights that they had.
Did he really care, or were his actions just obsessive?
Whenever Christina did something against his wishes (and most of the time, his wishes were fucking pointless and silly), he'd yell and scream and BAM! Another fight. But those fights soon began to spiral out of control.
He began to verbally abuse her, calling her a "bitch" and a "cunt" over and over, and that soon turned into physical abuse. He choked her, bit her, pulled her hair, and even spit at her.
Did he do that because he cared? MOST CERTAINLY NOT.
Did you all know that 47% of teens said they had been victimized personally by controlling behaviors from a boyfriend or girlfriend, according to a study by Liz Claiborne Inc. and the Family Violence Prevention Fund? Nearly one in three teens in the study said they were victims of sexual and physical abuse, as well as threats (ABC News). Wow.
So let's discuss a little bit of common sense here. What is caring and what is controlling? Here's a few examples.
Caring - allowing your girlfriend/boyfriend to speak to whoever they want, and if they speak to someone that you don't approve of, addressing the issue in a calm manner.
Controlling - assuming your girlfriend/boyfriend is speaking to someone you don't approve of, and flipping out about it.Caring - asking your girlfriend/boyfriend who they are texting once in a while, just out of curiosity or to make sure you're up-to-date with things.
Controlling - secretly going through your girlfriend/boyfriend's phone because you think they're up to something fishy.Caring - having no problem with your girlfriend/boyfriend going out with her friends or family.
Controlling - getting jealous that your girlfriend/boyfriend "loves their friends and family more than they love you".Caring - leaving a cute voicemail (baby, I'm calling because ____, call me when you get a chance) when your girlfriend/boyfriend doesn't answer the phone.
Controlling - calling/texting/BBMing/'kik'ing/e-mailing over and over again when your girlfriend/boyfriend doesn't answer the phone.There's hundreds of examples, but I'm not going to continue writing them. Luckily, Christina finally got away from her guy; she finally realized that he didn't give a shit, he was just controlling and obsessive.
Let's face it, controlling behaviors lead to verbal and physical abuse, and that's exactly what happened to my friend.
*Permission given by Christina Yuliano to publish this post.
What do you think?
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- From: MissHollyAnne@xanga
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Comments (24)
All I have to say is "Agreed and Amen"
Yes, I agree, this is coming from someone whose been controlled by a guy and in an abusive relationship, verbal and mental. So glad your friend got out.
agree
My friend is in the same sort of situation but somehow she has convinced herself that she loves him. I can't support it because he is an ass and she does not listen to my advise. It's kind of loss loss situation
agreeeeeeeed
I sent this to my sister, because I KNOW the signs of an abusive man. And, I want her to be aware of them, too. Thank you.
can someone explain to me why its okay and good for the boyfriend to "love their friends and family more than they love you"? isnt bf supposed to love gf more than friends because the gf has the potential to be the bf's life partner? i dont think you should love your friends more than you love your own wife...
i have a headache from being sick so i dont have the energy to think lol
as a man... I gotta say thanks and yes I agree!!
@kayteeiiee@xanga - I wouldn't say that the love one holds for their SO is more than their friends or family, but a different kind of love. Least that's how I see it.
Completely agree with the post though!!!
Yeah, I've seen good friends controlled by douchebag guys..it was a horrible thing to watch but sooner or later they learn and leave that SO. No amount of that controlling is worth it.
man i've done the same caring bits and my ex thought i was controlling. FML! but oh wells, whatever.
@kayteeiiee@xanga - Yup, I agree..
I don't think you should control them and say who they can or can't see..and what they can and can't do..but if you DO have a problem with something, (like you said) bring it up in a calm manner and talk to them about it. You don't have to be 100% fine with everything someone does - no one is like that. It's how you handle the situation that's important..
And yes you have other people in your life but if you're in a serious relationship, you should think of the other person and how they feel about things first. Like kayteeiiee said, who would say they love their friends more than their wife or something? That's not right either.
For the most part, I do agree with your post though.
Sometimes I worry that I myself am controlling or my boyfriend is controlling. We seem to have some possible 'controlling' characteristics. I just worry sometimes. :( We are engaged too. We fight sometimes, but very rarely do we get abusive. I mean sometimes we fight over the most retarded of things. While, there are times my boyfriend has gotten a bit abusive.
What do you think?
If any one has advice or anything e-mail me at: vintagefashion88@yahoo.com
Thanks!
Stacey xo
well, i am having the same problem with my BF,though i love him so much..we have been together for 7months now,which is rather short bt i do love him,and i can atleast see a great future with him..but,how can i talk to him calmy without fighting with him..coz i have tried to talk to him about..but
I dated a guy like this once... Most of my friends are guys and I have been friends with them a hell of a lot longer than I knew the guy. and every time I brought up I was hanging out with one of my friends (guy or girl) or I talked to them on the phone he flipped out on me trying to tell me he just cares and then that I should respect him... well how about you try respecting my friendships!!! every time i tired telling him he was controlling me and i didnt like it he denied it and went on some caring rant that was complete B.S. ...he turned out to be a complete ass in other words.
I used to think my SO was controlling, but looking back now, I was immature and selfish. I wanted to hang out with whoever I wanted and not have to call him back when I said I would because I was "busy" or whatever. I thought my friends were more important and I wanted to have fun. I don't know what made me say and do (or not do) such stupid things, but I did. And I hurt him. He actually does care about me, always has, and I know it was my fault.
If there is abuse involved, like you're suggesting, yeah.. that's fucked up and controlling. But a guy genuinely wanting to be with you, not liking your friends, wanting a phone call or text or whatever.. I get it. The friends thing doesn't fly in a lot of relationships, but in my own relationship, we don't hang out alone with the opposite sex (and this was MY CHOICE, not something I was forced to do and not because we don't trust each other). When you have been dating someone a long time and marriage starts coming up, you need to get your priorities straight; because I personally have always seen dating someone as the potential for them to be your husband or wife (if you want to get married in your life eventually). At that point, yeah, you both have a say in who does what. You communicate about what bothers you. This person might BE your family some day, so what's wrong with their presence having some priority over the presence of your friends and family?
Just my thoughts.
@kayteeiiee@xanga - The reason she put that part in quotations is because the said person is ASSUMING and accusing their partner of loving their friends more than them, not that they actually DO love their friends more than them...at least that was what I took from it. =)
@BingleBot@xanga - Same here?
@kayteeiiee@xanga - I think that for teens (as addressed specifically in the content) loving a boyfriend or girlfriend more than friends/family is too much. Being married to someone is a completely different situation. If I loved every person with the potential to be my life partner more than anything else in my life, my life would be lost...and that's where, unfortunately, things go downhill.
I agree completely. It's so sad that people do this to each other. :\ and then they're heartless enough to say it's out of love? How dare they. I have a scar on my left calf from where an ex-boyfriend kicked me. Although I'm out of the relationship and happily in a new one, I'll always have this permanent reminder of him.
Very well said. I'm glad your friend got away.
If i was one of your friends in your circle.I'd smash the crap out of the guy.Pisses me off when guys bash women.the guy always appears weak to me when he does that.
Thanks for your post about the Caring/Controlling bits too.Realised my partner as of this moment may well be the controlling type...I make excuses, that she's insecure, sensitive, had a bad past etc. End of the day though how many reasons ie. excuses can i person have?
..Eh. I've been in a controlling relationship for over a year now. I can't go away for two hours with friends without coming back to my phone with 20 messages+ that all say "Where are you?" "Hello?" "..." "Whatever, fine." and when I come back.. he's emotionless, mean, and distant. Like.. he withdrawls loving and caring behavoir to punish me. It makes me feel so worthless.. It makes me want to die. and the only way to get him to be "Normal" again is to have sex with him. which in turn makes me feel even worse. idk. everyone says, "You need to break up with this douchebag." and its actually alot harder than it looks.. I've broken up with him before, but he literally stalked me. He called my housephone every second of every day, drove b-y my house and watched my window, left countless voicemails begging me to come back and saying he'll "Change".. and I went back to him. And part of the reason was kinda.. idk. I'm afraid of him. but at the same time i love him.. its hard to explain.. and I lost 90% of all my friends because of my choice to be with him. and when i told him.. all he said was "Well you have me, don't you? I'll be here for you instead of them. You don't need them anyway." Sorry guys. I'm ranting.. I just dont know what to do anymore. I don't know where to turn or what to say.. I lost everything.. even myself. I'm afraid my life might be next.