Monday, 15 November 2010
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Is the Modern Way Always Right?
This past weekend I had an interesting conversation with a friend of mine, and I wanted to share it with you all, and get the opinion of the Datingish community on this issue.
We were chatting on the phone, both looking for jobs postings in our respective fields online, when I made what I thought was a seemingly harmless comment:
"It's really a shame that I'm too poor to make being a mom and wife my full time job. That's the only thing I've always wanted to be."
My friend paused, and to my surprise, retorted saying, "Kerry, come on. Saying that being a stay at home mom is your career is setting women back a few decades, don't you think?"
So wait... if you're a stay at home mom, are you suddenly not a strong, modern woman?
For as long as I can remember, I've been Little Miss Undecided. I knew what my talents and skills were, but unlike other kids, I never knew exactly "what I wanted to be when I grew up." Even now, as a technical grown up, I'm not sure what my ultimate goal is.
I was raised by a mother who stayed home for years, and saw the toll this took on my father and our lifestyle. My father didn't have the kind of income to support my mother's dream to "raise us herself" (she didn't believe in nannies and daycare at all) and the strain that being the sole provider put on him has left an indelibly negative mark on their marriage.
However, it was nice to be the one kid in my middle class town that had a mom around. She became all my friends' virtual moms, picking us up from school and from sports practices, being around to give us lunch and take us places on days off from school, and really knowing us all inside and out.
Deep down, I always wished I'd be able to do that for my kids.
We live in a global economy that has virtually made the one-income household a thing of the past. Just take a look at this graphic created by the Tax Foundation for proof:
Given the recent economic downswing, that gap has probably grown substantially. So although I have yet to be a wife or a mother, I realize that the chances of me being able to stay home and make my job as wife and mom full time are slim.
However, if that is something that I yearn for deep down, am I turning my back on feminism and all the opportunities I, as a woman, have today that women in past generations fought for?
What do you guys think?
Is it wrong to want to stay home full time, for either gender, in the world we live in today? Should our partners support this calling, or insist everyone pull their own financial weight?
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About the Author
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- From: KerrSull
- About Me: I'm a 24 year old serial monogamist who oddly thinks she knows everything while continuing to have tons of questions about that crazy little thing called love.
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Comments (79)
i don't think it's wrong to want that. everybody wants different things. i babysat for a stay at home mom when i was in high school and she was the head of a few committees too and it was like a job from how many late meetings she had, and i could see how it benefitted the boys to have their mom around. i was envious. i wish my mom had been able to stay home.
It should go both ways. Feminism is supposed to be about women having A CHOICE.
I don't think its wrong at all. There are some people in my family that have both parents working and spend almost no time with their kids. All they do is hire full time nannys
I think its admirable for you want to be a good mother to your children and to do what YOU want
@xx0behindthesmile@xanga - "i don't think it's wrong to want that. everybody wants different things..."
I completely agree. I personally would love to be a stay at home mom. You have less stress and you could provide a good atmosphere when your husband decides to get home. I'm positive that most would appreciate this and both couples would be in a better mood than having a woman WORK and then WORK on the house and then HELP the kids with homework then COOK dinner and DO laundry. I would be so tired from all the working and say "no sex for you, I'm worn." minus one point for husband. xD
I believe in equal rights and both spouses following their dreams
but having my mom around always definitely made me who i ami think her always caring for me and being around for whatever i needed makes me look for the same and also take care of others@BingleBot@xanga - Agreed. She said it best.
No, I don't think it's wrong exactly. Do what makes you happy IF you can do it. Some women just don't work and are lazy and make the husband do everything. And there are some "stay at home" mom's that just shop and drink all day and cannot truly be called a "house wife". You have to actually do things around the house and work hard for me to call you a house wife. Not have the maid and nanny do it. But if you're not like that and it is your true passion to care for your children and have a beautiful home then that is fine. Though also make sure you're not just doing it just because you're indecisive. You could find the career that feels so right for you but you decided to settle because you weren't sure. Do it if it's truly what you want to do above anything else.
There is nothing inherently wrong with staying at home, bringing up your children. If you are living off one working-class wage, you certainly wouldn't be able to save much though. Being a wage slave, living week by week from a pay cheque certainly isn't my ideal life. Maybe you can work from home somehow, part-time at least. So you can always keep an eye on your children, and get a few extra dollars to scrape by.
See my beef with this idea is that women as a stay at home mom is a stereotype. I've had some friends in the past say something similar and I didn't get it. Then there's the idea that the woman must do everything for her husband and her kids. I've always thought why can't the husband help out and the kids learn to help as well why must it be solely on the woman to cook, clean, and take care of everything.
My mom was pretty much a stay at home mom. She would work during the day when we were at school and then she would come home to be with us. My dad would work all day and would come home super late. All I remember from him growing up was that he was grumpy and mean. Now that he's almost 60 he still works a lot but seems to have lightened up. My mom a lot of times regrets not having studied what she always wanted to study.
So yes, I agree that women should have a choice to do whatever they want, but why fall into a stereotype? If you are given the opportunity to study and be an independent woman then why not see it through?
I am still in school right now finishing on my second degree and will be immediately working full-time once I graduate. I have worked my whole way through college. My last relationship there was some talk of marriage but that didn't pan out because of certain circumstances. I hope to one day be married and have children but one thing that I want in marriage is equality. My last boyfriend didn't know how to cook so we would cook and bake together so he could learn and it was fun doing those things together. He did his own laundry and cleaned up after himself. We were very equal in a lot of ways and that's what I personally am striving for in my future. I don't think it's fair for a woman to stay at home and not do anything during the day.
Ok I should probably end this now or I'll keep going on. I hope that didn't bash anyone or anything but this is all just my personal opinion.
@BingleBot@xanga - You said it.
: full mom, less money.
Not full mom, not know kids, yet so much money.Take your pick.it centers on values and what you believe is better for the sake of one's familyI want to stay home with my children. I know God will provide for us. And I hope that won't strain my husband and my relationship. I know a marriage isn't easy, but I also know that no relationship is easy. Every relationship needs work.
I don't see a problem with it if that's what she wants to do. I don't plan to follow the traditions. I want to get married someday, both of us working to save up money to travel the world, then maybe have kids later or adopt.
@BingleBot@xanga - completely agree!
As women, we should all support whatever decision each mom makes on whether to work or not. Sometimes it's not a choice...the woman has to work to pay the bills. I am lucky enough to have the choice and stay home. I would never ever put down anyone who decides to work full time. Both being a working mom and a stay at home mom have their pros and cons.
What i hate is that when people hear that i am a stay at home mom, they assume that i'm stupid and uneducated. I have a master's degree and could go back to work at anytime. I just feel it's most important for me to stay home these first few years, then i can go back if i want. It makes everyone's lives easier if i stay home....especially my husband's! haha
I am a 21 year old stahm... I feel like money isn't everything. My family doesn't have to live in a big suburban house to be happy. My husband also feel's the same way. Being a stay at home mom is a hard Job. It is a Job. If I ever felt like going and perusing a career my husband would fully support me but I feel like I know my daughtier best and as of right now she is better with me home.
I do study at home on my own time. I teach my self. If I ever decided to go into the Job field it would be an at home thing, but rite now my daughter need's the most attention she can get from me I am her current teacher.
I can care less if I am a stereo type... because every one is... That's like telling a very intelligent blonde she's dumb because she forgot her keys...
What does it matter what others view you as if life is working and makes your family happy?
@sjunca@xanga - I know you weren't trying to offend anyone but really not do anything for the day?
Really? Being a stay at home mom is manual labor... Just because your not getting a check in your name doesn't mean it isn't work.
Yes when my husband comes home he does help around the house and we do cook together.Trying to be the maid, physiologist, and nurse all in one. It's not just a 9-5.
I agree staying home and doing nothing lame but that's not what a real stay at home mom does.
I'm not knocking what other women do my mom worked a 9-9 job most of her life because my father was a troubled man... She did what she had to and I respect that.
@MisteyEyez3BrokenDreamz@xanga - Hmm ok again like I said I wasn't trying to offend anyone so don't take it personal [I'm sure you will anyways b/c that's just what it seems like]. Most women who I know who are stay at home moms don't do anything and unfortunately suffer from depression and anxiety issues. This is b/c their children are in school and they don't have anything to do so they stay inside all day.
Now I know there are other types of stay at home moms. Like my mom who was there with us as babies until we went to school which I totally agree with. That's what I plan to do when I have children because I want them to be raised by a parent not a stranger at a daycare. I want to work at home though and then once they go to school I'd go back to work as usual.
So neways, yeah that's my take on things again and what I want to do with my life. What you do with yours well that's your life and I don't have any say in it so don't take what I say personal alright. If you don't care what people say then don't care what I say. I was just giving my two cents.
I don't think it's wrong at all. The woman stereotype as a care-taker isn't there for no reason, there is truth to it. Many women will still have that desire and instinct to be there for their child instead of taking them to daycare, going off to a full time job. Feminism gave us the rights to go to work full time and not feeling bad about forgoing our sole role as home-maker. But what it also did was take a lot of benefits away from men working. I mean, so much money goes to women's benefits (such as maternity leave) and also lobbying for jobs to be held by women. I mean even Obama saw that fields such as construction, etc (male-dominated fields) were being hit by the recession and begun to create stimulus plan to help that, but instead woman active groups responded with outrage saying it was unfair (right...when women actually gained and retained more jobs than men in this recession -_-) and of course they won, so it never happened. I'm not anti-feminist or anything, I'm just saying it all happens for a reason. I believe in equality and that it doesn't matter what a woman wants to do (stay home or go to work) but because our society has changed so to accommodate everyone and "equality" it's now no longer so easy to just be a stay at home mom. It's even worse when these women are made to feel like they're fulfilling their "negative" stereotypes and taking a step back from feminism. Feminism should be a celebration of womanhood and what is more womanly and powerful as raising a child and taking care of her home. If feminism really is about equality it really needs to be in that mindset instead of "gung ho, career hungry women".
I think it is admirable to stay at home for as long as you can. My
mom was a stay-at-home mom until we went off to college, and then she
got a part-time job. I can't imagine not having her around to take
care of us when we were growing up. It's one of the reasons I'm so
close to her. It's caused some problems now, though. A month ago, my
dad died, and he was the primary breadwinner. My mom had been doing
her part-time jobs for a while, but nothing that would be considered a
career. Should she run out of money from his life insurance, she'll be
severely limited in what fields she could go into.
But I wouldn't have changed a moment, and I know she wouldn't have either.
My
mother-in-law was also a stay-at-home mom when my husband and his
brother were little. She eventually went back to school and then back
to work, but she was always there to send them off to school, and there
when they got back.
I have nothing but admiration for women who
are stay-at-home moms. It means a lot of sacrifice, but it's
absolutely worth it for your kids. Personally, if we can swing it, my
husband and I both want me to be a stay-at-home mom, at least until the
kids get to be school-aged. Motherhood is the one thing I know I'll be
excellent at, because I'm like you...I never had one thing I knew I
wanted to be when I grew up. But I know I'm going to be a great mom
because I had a great rolemodel as a mother.
So, if you can swing it, good luck. And don't let anyone get you down about it. It can only help your kids if you can do it.
-Katie
@sjunca@xanga - actually you make a good point somewhere in there....
if the father works and the mom stays at home sometimes it puts a strain on the father to constantly provide for the family and then the kids may sometimes not be able to see the father as much. so it comes to a point where the mother is always at home with the kids but the father isn't always there.
the kids should have a mother AND a father around..maybe not all the time but for equal amounts of time....
I dont think it makes a differance, my mom was at home the whole time i was growing, and she still is, as my brother and sister are in grade 8. I cant imagine not having her there, but i understand the financial strain its hard on my dad but my mom does a few things from home to have a bit of an income. I personally don't want to to be a stay at home mom, while the kids are young possibly, but then again ive always been career oriented.
@sjunca@xanga -
I wasn't taking it personal I was just saying my situation because you didn't refer to any of the moms who do, do work. I was simply trying to show you not all stay at home mom's are lazy believe me I know where you are coming from I have friends who don't do shit and still complain.
oncee again you are making an assumption stating I was offended and going to keep that point of view...
I was asking you if you were serious like as in have you never come across a stay at home mom who actually did what she should...
@MisteyEyez3BrokenDreamz@xanga - You seem to be taking the agressive stand point when really i was trying to understand what you were saying, more what you meant by what you were saying... because your second more aggressive post makes your view point a tad different from the first post.
Ultimately I don't care if people view me as a stereotype as long as they know who I really am and I know I am happy. How can you make an actual opinion about some one with out knowing them... You can't well, you can but it's more like an assumption... and when I use the word you... I just mean any person in general... not YOU exactly lol So technically it is a blog where people post their different view's on a subject.. The PO asked our opinions I gave mine and you gave yours just because we seemed to have disagreed does it really mean you have to get angry? Sorry If I came off like I was mad I wasn't... Just came out like that...
RawR?
@rabbitsarecool14@xanga - Thank you you said it well with out coming off like you were angry... lol