Saturday, 13 November 2010
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Okay... I Know We Aren't "Boyfriend and Girlfriend," But Would It Kill You to Be Romantic?
I am dating a guy who says he likes me. We have been dating for a month now, we hang out sometimes, he spends the night, he lets me spend the night over at his place when he's having parties. He took care of me when I got sick once, he lets me sleep in his clothes, and he once invited me to hang out with him and his friends. We have been to the lake together and we have a lot of chemistry and a lot of fun. I like him a lot and he tells me he likes me. Sounds great, right?
But... I am a romantic person. (Duh, I'm a girl.) I want passion, I want him to call me, I want to make him dinner, I want him to take me out to dinner, and I want to spend more time with him.We are both super busy: he's in a fraternity and I am the editor-in-chief of my college yearbook... we don't have a lot of time. But... I feel like he doesn't make very much time for me. Or he doesn't want too, or he just doesn't think about it.I have told him that I want to make him dinner sometime... or I've even said, "Hey! Let's go out sometime!" I drop him hints, I told him that I am romantic, I love little things and I try to recognize them.
I just don't think he gets it. I told him this weekend that I could never tell what page he was on-- that he was a mystery to me ninety percent of the time. He doesn't want to be boyfriend and girlfriend yet, but he tells me he likes me... he just doesn't SHOW it. He thinks that sleeping over, letting me borrow clothes and taking care of me is romantic. I said it was nice and that I appreciated it... but... it wasn't romantic.
Am I crazy? Am I asking for too much? He's just so confusing... he says we're in a relationship together, but we're not boyfriend and girlfriend. He doesn't spend much time with me and doesn't try to. He doesn't call me. So I told him that I just wanted a couple days where we didn't talk for awhile because I just wanted to think about some things.He said: "Okay, well have a good couple of days and text me when you want. I really did like you."Is it so wrong to ask someone to come after you? To fight for you? I don't want to text him! I want him to call me. I want him to show up at my door and see me and ask me what's wrong and tell me that he wants to be with me and only me.... what is going on here? He's playing too hard to get and I'm getting frustrated and bored.
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- From: birdsweresinging@xanga
- Name: Alexandria
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Comments (41)
well... i personally think that. he takes care of you when you're sick. he's there for you when you need him. what else do you need? i mean like, he might not be romantic, but he loves you. i'd love to have a boyfriend like that.
I'm having the same exact problem. I've been seeing this guy for just over a month now, but we hardly talk. In the beginning he texted me non stop, but then he just stopped. now he only talks to me when hes horny...I don't want to be a booty call, and I think thats what he wants. I actually want a relationship. Nothing is serious with him! I don't want him to reply to my texts five hours later, I want him to call me. I don't think thats a lot to ask for, I just want him to actually care, because I feel like he doesnt ):
Sucks your going through this but I don't think it will happen. And I don't think your asking for too much, nut only you know his personality.
I dated a guy a few years ago, same situation. He has since gotten married and when I run into him he says he always says that he wished he called me back aftrr I walked out the door... so like the saying goes let it go and if it comes back its meant to be.
I'm seeing a guy now that we are at his place or in the car.. its stupid, I told him that, left and told him I liked him... two days later he called me. At first he just text... now he calls every other day and wetalk for a while. If his phone dies he calls back and apologizes. Its sweet.
Good luck with your boy. Sorry if I wasnt much help.
you did say that you aren't boyfriend and girlfriend so don't expect him to be all romantic with you.
He's in a frat.... sounds like my life. I've basically just come to accept that relationships with frat guys won't really happen. They kinda just wanna hook up, which is chill if you become emotionally devoid. Like me. But then again this could be different. I hope it all works ouuuut!
Tell him you want romance. Guys want girls straightforward, not hints. Don't make him guess.
I just posted the opposite side of the spectrum for this question. I think that you are asking him to treat you like you are boyfriend and girlfriend, and he has made it clear that he doesn't want commitment. My personal opinion is that you should find someone who wants the same things you do rather than hurt yourself by continually badgering him about wanting more than he does.
Wow, I'm surprised...I didn't think I'd be the first person to say it. But at the risk of sounding cliche,
he's just not that into you.To quote Tyler Perry, who I believe was quoting Maya Angelou, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them." This guy is already getting everything he wants out of the relationship. If you're in a situation where how he feels about you is "a mystery", especially 90% of the time, it's because he's not interested, but you want him to be so badly that you are hanging on by a thread.
You have already set the tone for this relationship. You are willing to sleep with him, wear his clothes and pursue him without any type of romance, commitment, label or the kind of attention and affection you'd really like to have. Why should he change now, if he doesn't have to change to keep you around?
You cannot change this guy (and you really shouldn't try). If you want romance and you want to be pursued, you'll have to find it somewhere else.
Guys like to be the protector. Him sleeping next to you, sharing his clothes, caring for you- he's trying to show you that he cares. This is where guys and girls don't get along- they have no idea what the other wants.
Dropping hints will get you nowhere. Tell him straight up you want a relationship, and if he's not ready for the commitment you're moving on. You could still be friends, of course, but the sleeping over/snuggly bits would have to stop, otherwise you'd be the one sending the mixed signals.
If he's in a frat, maybe he's just really busy, too. I'm not in a frat but I'm a grad student, and I flat out don't have time for a relationship.
@turtlediary@xanga - @CelestDiggory@xanga - Agreed.
@iiridescence@xanga - That isn't always true. Yes there are definitely frat boys like that, but not all of them are. I'm currently dating a frat boy and he is incredibly sweet. Another frat boy I know performed a song he wrote for his girlfriend last night. Fraternity boys are capable of of romance too :]
@LaBellaMorena - Agreed, I'm surprised I'm one of the only ones seeing it here.
Does he think of you as a booty call? Eh, likely not since you say you've met his friends, you hang out outside of parties, etc. but I think you have on your hands what my friends and I refer to as a "gentleman friend". Why? Because he's not quite your boyfriend, but not just a booty call/one night stand, either. He's the guy who you pretty much have a relationship with, but it's just not "official". Gentleman friends are not obligated to take you out to dinner, call you first, etc. because he's not your boyfriend, but he still wants to have someone to hang out with, and entertain him, and throw in some good cuddling, kissing, and sex... hence, the gentleman friend dilemma. He doesn't want to be your boyfriend because he doesn't want to have to do all that tedious romantic work, because he's already getting the rewards (staying the night, hanging out) without it.
You're only going to see a change if you're straightforward and tell him you need some sort of consistency and to decide whether or not he wants to be with you. If you're too scared to do that because you're afraid it'll scare him away, then you already have your answer of where you stand, don't you?
It sounds like he's stringing you along.
I say it's BS...and sucks! i feel like I'm in the same shit as you and seriously, I wish I never started this whole thing in the beginning...and to tell u the truth, he wil not call u because he already said if ur ready then call him back. So he's probably just busy doing his own shit and here u are sitting and waiting for him to call. DOnt! Just go and look for a new guy. Life is too short to play this damn silly game which I detest so much! If he calls, that's great, but dont bank on it. Sorry I dont mean to be harsh but that's my 2 cents on this. cheer up!
Talk about what you want, maybe set up a 'date' yourself to show him what you're talking about, then give him a chance to think it over. Treat him like you expect to be treated and have a backbone when he doesn't. Who knows, maybe he'll step up #maybe he won't# but giving up without telling him sure doesn't give him a chance!
ehhhh sorry to say, but its easier to just find a new guy lady.
if he's taking care of you and you go to parties and stuff together and text, why does he need to call you all the time and if you acknowledge that you're both busy why does he need to be super romantic, when he's dependable? you could try being romantic yourself, surprise him and stuff, and maybe that will give him ideas if it's that important to you. and trying to get him to chase after you saying you "needed time" and expecting him to call is just playing with him, because he doesn't know he needs to call and then if you're upset with him for it he won't know what's going on.
I personally don't think the "make him chase you" method is always the best one to go by. Sometimes a guy might be nice and into you, but when leave to make him chase after you, he might think that you actually want to leave. Otherwise, him taking care of you when you were sick seems super nice! A lot of guys just won't put up with it, haha.
I don't think you're asking too much, especially you wanting to cook for him (that's you doing all the work, lol), but maybe you're just asking too much for right now in that relationship? If he's not wanting anything serious, or even if he's just confused, he might not want to do romantic things. It could be other reasons... maybe he's not the romantic type naturally and just has trouble with it, or maybe he just has other things on his mind (frats take up a ton of time ususally, plus school plus the whole worrying about the future thing). Basically, maybe it'll work out, maybe not, but if you're unhappy with how things are, be blunt about it. Either the guy is worth potentially never having those romantic little things or he's not.
There is nothing wrong with the things you want...he just isn't THAT guy. He's a great guy...but not THAT guy. You can either love him for who he is, hate him for who he aint, or stay frustrated for a really long time trying to pretend you don't want those things or trying to change/guilt him in to doing them.
I've learned this over the course of several decades. I'm not being pessimistic or jaded, just practical and honest. There are many wonderful people out there we can love, but not all of them can fulfill our dreams. You are young, the relationship isn't old or deep...move on and work on dating ONLY men that fit your deepest romantic needs. That way you are not wasting anyone's time, energy or heart.
@superGchik@xanga - agreed
@LaBellaMorena - Very much agreed.
It's like getting what you paid for and only that.
hahahha omg i was in this exact situation... before we completely ended ties.......
Sounds like he's after a friends with benefits no-strings-attached sort of thing, where as you are not. These differences, they are irreconcilable, unless one of you changes. I wouldn't put my money on it.
I think you're asking too much. It sounds like he wants to keep it casual and you want a diamond ring. I'd slow it down a bit.