Thursday, 11 November 2010
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To Be Me: A Young Divorcee
As we know, each and every one of us has a unique experience with dating. We all have a story to tell, and something to learn from one another.
Each week I'm going to bring you an interview I've done with a real individual with a powerful story to share. These men and women will bravely step into the spotlight and share the intimate details of some of their most trying moments in love in order to help all of us to learn and grow as they have.
What It's Like to be Me: A Young Divorcee
Today, you're going to meet Nicole, a woman who was married at the age of 20. Four years later, Nicole is a 24 year old divorced mom, raising her 4 year old son on her own.
Q: What made you decide to get married at such an early age?
When my ex and I found out we were pregnant at 19 yrs of age, we were already engaged, so we thought the logical thing to do would be to get married sooner than expected. We each thought this would be the best solution.
Q: Did you immediately regret your decision to get married?
Not at first. We had our rough patches, especially being so young and our finances were rough, but we were in love and about to have a child together so we were making it work.
Q: What was life like in the first few months as a new bride and a new mom?
I was in my glory. I was so happy, I felt fulfilled; almost as if being a 'stay at home mom' and a wife was what I was meant to do my whole life. But it wasn't all rainbows and sunshine. Being as young as we were, and uneducated, we really struggled financially. We were still very immature and had a lot to learn.
Q: Did anything change between you and your ex when your son was born?
There's an old saying that a woman becomes a mom when she learns she is pregnant, but a man doesn't become a father until his child is born. I stand by this saying 100%. After my son was born, there was this indescribable bond between myself and my son, and my ex and my son. And it was at that point that me and my ex became an "us" instead of just husband and wife.
Q: What were some warning signs that the relationship was going south that you might have missed?
The plain fact that we fought over everything. That should have been like a red flag in itself. We were both very young, immature, and came from two very different cultures and we just weren't old enough to compromise like adults and learn to get along.
Q: Did you take advice from family and friends about your marriage, or did you find that difficult?
Both our families didn't agree with our marriage and constantly let us know that they didn't believe it'd work and that we had made a mistake. But we didn't want to listen. We wanted to believe that wed make it. We didn't want our marriage to fail.
Q: They say every failed relationship has a breaking point. What was yours?
The breaking point for me was in the middle of one of our numerous fights. My son was sitting on the couch, with his hands over his ears, crying over and over for us to stop. I finally just stopped yelling back and said, "Ok enough is enough. This isn't working." Even after that realization, it still took time for us to come to each other and admit that we needed to end our marriage. We both had a lot of pride and weren't ready to admit failure.
Q: Were you scared to get divorced?
Fear was one of my biggest reasons for sticking around in a failed marriage. I am the type of person who does not like to be alone. And at the time, I was still a stay at home mom, and was afraid of what my life would be like if I didn't have my security to take care of me. I was ultimately afraid of not being able to survive without my husband, even if I knew that he was the reason for my misery.
Q: What was the most difficult part of the divorce proceedings for you?
I'm Italian, so I'm a very stubborn and prideful person, and I took to heart and felt that myself as a person, had failed as a wife. I think the most difficult part was just admitting that my marriage failed. And admitting that killed me. But because my ex and I were, and still are, civil and didn't own anything together, we had nothing to fight over. We made our own agreements when it came to custody etc. So that made it less painful.
Q: What is the most rewarding thing you've gained from ending your marriage?
Knowing that I am strong, and that I don't need to depend on anyone to take care of myself. I needed to experience that to have faith in myself, and to show myself that just because I wasn't in a marriage anymore didn't mean I couldn't live alone, and make a living myself for me and my son. I had to start at the bottom and work my way up, and I'm still in the process of doing that. I still get knocked down, and at times feel like giving up, but I keep my head up because now I know I'm strong enough.
Q: If you could go back to when you first met your ex and do anything over, what is the one thing you would change?
I would have stayed in college. I can not go back and say 'I wish I never met him' or 'I wish I never married him' because if I did, 1) I wouldn't have my son, the love of my life and 2) I wouldn't be who I am today. I had to experience those hardships to get to where I am today and wouldn't have made it otherwise.
Q: What advice do you have for men or women who feel their marriage is ending?
My advice to them is to follow your heart. If you truly feel your marriage is done and there is no fixing it, then do so. Don't be afraid of the 'what-ifs' and the future. You need to do what will ultimately make you happy. And do not worry about "oh what if I never find someone else to love me etc." There is someone out there for everyone. I believe that now.
While I was going through all of this, I had almost given up on love and swore I'd never trust another man again, (especially because my ex-husband cheated on me) but in the midst of all my pain, I found a wonderful man. And I also know that if I didn't go through hell with my marriage, I would not have been able to find real love, or even know what real love was, nor would I be able to appreciate my new boyfriend for who he is and what he is to me now. And to those who are fighting with their spouse the way that I did, but are not ready to end it, don't be afraid to ask for help. There are marriage counselors there for a reason. Don't be afraid to admit you have a problem and seek the necessary help for it.
Q: Thanks so much for sharing your story with us. Any parting words for our Datingish readers?
We were married for 4 years, together for 5 years, and I have to say I was probably happy for maybe 2 of those years. It took me a long time to get up the courage to make a stand and do what was best for not only myself, but for my son as well. Watching mom and dad fight was not healthy for a child to be around.
I still have a long road ahead of me. I still need a full time job, still stress over how I'm going to afford my bills, and I stress all the time. But I have faith that it will all work out.
Keep checking in for more from my "To Be Me" series each week on Datingish and let me know who you'd like to hear from. Next week, I'll be interviewing a woman who managed to escape an abusive relationship.
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About the Author
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- From: KerrSull
- About Me: I'm a 24 year old serial monogamist who oddly thinks she knows everything while continuing to have tons of questions about that crazy little thing called love.
Stats: This Week All Time Posts: 0 70 Views: 0 181131 Comments: 0 2317 View all posts by KerrSull
Comments (15)
I quite liked this =)
it is good to hear others stories
@Hinase@xanga - I do, as well. :)
I get advice from my boyfriend's mom all the time, because she has a lot of experience in... not so satisfying relationships? I don't know how to describe it. But one key thing to do is:
If you ever get into a fight, don't fight at home. Take your child to a relative, then argue where they cannot hear you. I think fighting in front of kids hurts them more than it hurts us, so why make them suffer?
This was lovely.
Why was the question never asked "what was the central issue you two didn't agree on?" I'm nosy and I wanted to know. Also, "Did you try couples counseling?" So much left unsaid and unexplained.
I feel the pain of this situation. I was married at a young to the father of my child (who was 6 months at the time of the marriage). Five years later and another child, and we were divorced. Our fights stemmed from his alcoholism, and our divorce came because I was "worth less than a glass of whiskey". My threats of divorce weren't empty anymore. A woman should never lose sight of her happiness.
It's been two years and my boys are healthy, happy. I'M healthy and happy - and I know that real love exists. We have it now. He's going to be my husband, and he's already called daddy. Things DO get better.
I didn't read anything about how they actually tried to save their marriage. They just let it end, at least that's what it seems like to me. Really sad that they didn't even try to salvage the marriage.
@Lydia_Lynne@xanga - @Jane - Interesting points! There can be a follow up interview!
Anyone with any other questions for Nicole, leave them here!
I really enjoyed this! Kudos to Nicole for being strong enough to remove herself from an unpleasant, difficult situation. Double kudos for remaining amicable with her ex!
Thanks for doing this interview, @KerrSull!
@Lydia_Lynne@xanga - I agree with you. So many people, and not just people who get married young, are too quick to give up because marriage is "hard". Of course it's hard, you're living with another person, and more than that, one who was likely raised in an entirely different way from how you were raised. No matter how much you agree on, you'll never agree on everything.
My husband and I are currently separated, and I feel like if he read this blog, he'd feel like he's been given one more ok to divorce me rather than try to solve our problems. His family (many of them, not all) and friends don't like me, and are telling him constantly to cut his losses. It's like sometimes he listens to them and sometimes he listens to his heart, which tells him we love each other. We don't have any kids, and I think that makes it even easier for him to listen to his family and friends. I'd like to hear why the girl in the interview ended her marriage; i.e. what the main issue was, what they tried to do to save the marriage, how they handled family/friends pushing for their divorce, etc.
this is terribly sad.
I like the idea behind this post, and the future ones you may have.
But that being said, I don't understand why she used "immature" as an excuse for her marriage not working. There isn't a magic age where you stop being immature- it's basically a mindset that you have to reach through work, not just experience. She must have felt mature enough already to have had a child- but not she wasn't mature enough to keeping working through a relationship with the father of that child? Um...what?
@chayswag@xanga - and I think she said, that she and her ex were fighting a lot. Usually that's a red flag indicating problems, and about every little thing. But I guess we can't know for sure since she oversimplified a lot of it. I guess we can't know for sure.
great idea!
she did say her ex cheated guys ... i mean the interview wasn't very in-depth but lets give her the benefit of the doubt. from the sounds of it, she tried and it failed anyway.
wow