The other day I
shared my story about being date raped on Halloween when I was 18.
I stated we were both drunk and someone, correctly, pointed out that a person can't give consent when drunk and so it is rape. I agree. I was raped.
But he wasn't at fault. At least not in any legal terms.
Now, don't think I'm blaming myself, I'm not.
But the reality is, we as women cannot say that we are unable to give consent when drunk but then expect men to be able to understand consent when they are drunk. You can't have it both ways.
Emotionally, I've had to deal with the consequences of that night as if it were a rape. Something was taken from me that can't be given back.
I never said no, but I wasn't sober enough to be able to say yes. So, yes, it's rape.
However, he was probably more drunk than I was. I'm not even sure he remembers anything that happened.
Had he been sober, then yes, he legally should be held accountable. He would be at fault.
But really, his only mistake was drinking too much. And I made the exact same mistake.
Am I making sense? Does anyone else agree with this?
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Comments (173)
all I know is the only time I got so drunk I could comprehend what was going on i couldn't even move on my own... idk how i would be able to function... any other time i got super waisted i still knew what was going on and could take responsibly for my actions...
I agree with you but some how can't see if your so out of your mind how can your body function... i know it happens i guess i'm just wondering how it happens...
Completely agree, similar situation. If you're both hammered and no one tries to stop it, it's not like he was consciously and sadistically trying to take something from you--it was a drunk hook up, leave it at that. It's obviously more serious if you're a virgin, but there are still two people guilty of not saying no. It is not the same as the intentions of a rapist.
I don't think that having sex with a drunk person who said 'yes' should be considered rape. I can't imagine how insulting that would be to someone who actually had to deal with real rape.
If you don't wanna make a decision you'll regret, don't get drunk! Don't get drunk, agree to have sex, and then whine that you were too drunk to make the right choice...take some responsibility.
I think it's not really anyone's "fault". And you're right. If he was sober enough to understand he was taking advantage of you, that would be a totally different story. Honestly, I'm not sure it counts as taking advantage of a drunk girl if it's unintentional.
I'm not trying to downplay the rape. I've been through it, and it really is horrible. I hope you're able to heal and move forward.
I think you make sense.
@proana_emokitty666@xanga - Agreed
i think that if you lead a guy all the way to sex and then tell him no, its as much your fault as his. i have never been raped. but girls say they're "raped" a lot when in fact they were just drunk and they went along too.
The way you make it sound maybe you raped him too? Maybe he was too drunk to say no as well! He obviously was at the same place as you. You say he was possibly even more drunk. So why are you claiming rape? Wouldn't you be the rapist as well?
I think it is unfair of you to even say the blame goes to him. Both of you are to blame and I think this whole "oh i was drunk" is a bs excuse.
I feel bad for girls who get raped. I give them all my sympathy. So I hope no one takes this out of context.
they have involuntary manslaughter, then maybe it is considered involuntary rape.
Whatever helps you sleep at night.
He is responsible for letting himself get to that state of drunkeness to begin with, and so are you. Regardless of that fact, I don't believe this situation is rape but rather regretting a drunken hookup because you did not say no. He wasn't in a state to give consent either, so either you raped eachother or you hooked up. Drunk or sober, you didn't say no, so how could he read your mind? Obviously if you didn't say anything he'd assume you were fine with it. You dont have to have an official spoken "yes" to make it consensual.
Lack of refusal IS consent.
Of course it was his fault. If something bad happens look around, is there a man? Well he did it. Was he older than you? Did he supply the alcohol? Did he sometimes fix your drinks? I think he's slime. He should be shot.
@tradeitall_x@xanga - A bit harsh, huh? I wouldn't be surprised if people started attacking you because of this comment. Though you're partly right. That's why I don't drink, and if any hardly. These kinds of situations happen because of getting wasted like that. That's why I don't ever plan to do it. Not worth it really.
@Hinase@xanga - Probably, but really.. if she didn't say no how can she claim rape?
@Hinase@xanga - I agree with you, and it's why people need to have personal discretion. People need to use common sense and not put themselves into dangerous situations, or lose control of their inhibitions. If they choose to get wasted, they should do so in a safe environment. I don't drink for reasons like this. I understand that I'll get attacked for it, but if people really think about it carefully before attacking me, they'll realize there's some truth to the statements. I mean.. come on, the poor guy wasn't exactly able to give consent either.. so they raped eachother? Sounds more like a hookup where both parties realized they wouldn't have if they were sober. Yes I feel bad for her that she regrets it, but I don't agree with her claiming rape because of the many girls out there with situations where they said no, and then were still raped.
i thought it was if you never said no, then it counted as a yes. i've never been raped, and i've never really had sex (technical problems), but, if he's doing it and you don't stop him,or at least try, isn't it consentual(sp?) sex?
No offense, but I don't agree. Based on the recent posts on datingish, the first thing that sprung to mind was statutory rape -- a mutually consensual activity. Non-consensual activity is different though, and not that hard to figure out. If you did not give your consent for sex, that's rape. But like murder, there should be degrees of rape, e.g., forced rape, vs preplanned rape, vs spontaneous rape vs accidental rape...
Also, I do not believe that him being drunk absolves him of responsibility. He chose to drink. And even if he did not choose to drink, he still caused harm, and as such is responsible.
I didn't read your story, so may be missing something... but even if it's the weakest form of non-consensual sex, it's still not right.
@gettin_skinnay@xanga - It is definitely considered consent.
@SpOnTaNeOuS_sPiTbAlL@xanga - Actually that is what I'm saying. That's the title..when it isN'T his fault.
@Transformations2010@xanga - I agree with you and maybe should have mentioned that..I think there are different types of rape. Just as someone who gets drunk and drives, if that person kills someone they are responsible but not in the same way if they bought a gun, made a plan and set out to kill someone.
the same thing happened to me and i've felt too responsible to claim i was assaulted..
too drunk to say no but i never said yes.someone here said " Lack of refusal IS consent." if that's the case.. then i don't really know what to tell you.
@WannaBeFit73@xanga - totally agree with you... 100%... and yes... it is very insulting... being drunk and having sex doesn't make you feel like your entire world has fallen apart and jerked out from under your feet.
not straight out saying yes doesn't mean you didn't. you could have said, or done, a number of things to make him think you were ok with it. unless you say "no" or try to get away from him or something, you gave him no reason to believe that you had anything against sex with him. i mean, if you can consider it rape to get drunk and have sex with someone but you never actually said yes or no to it, then all the couples out there who get drunk and have sex can use the same excuse and call it rape. not only that, but if you were both drunk, who's to say you didn't rape him? if it can be counted as him raping you because you were drunk, why can't those tables be turned? we don't know if you pressured him or what, just like we don't know if he pressured you, or if there was even any pressure at all. so, being drunk and having sex with someone does NOT make it rape.
@tradeitall_x@xanga - I disagree that lack of refusal is consent. When I was raped I couldn't even move or talk. I couldn't say no, but it was definitely still rape. And no, I wasn't drinking at the time, but I'd rather not go into details here.
Also, losing virginity like that is traumatic in itself.
@tradeitall_x@xanga - I've been in both situations. Said no, screamed, kicked, punched and did everything I could to stop it. That was one type of rape. In this instance, it was not a morning after regret. I didn't explain everything here, but in my original post, so I can see where confusion is coming in. I was crying. He asked and I cried and was shaking my head but just couldn't make myself say 'no' out loud for a number of reasons. I wasn't participating. I was stiff as a board and crying my eyes out. I agree, that a girl that gets drunk, hooks up and then regrets it in the morning cannot cry rape. I've been there, too. And would never consider it as a rape.
I just gave three separate examples. The first is out and out, his fault all the way rape. In the second, I was raped but do NOT believe he should be held accountable in the same fashion as the first. I accept my responsibility in that situation. I made bad choices, too. It's still a form of rape and one that damaged me. The third is in NO way rape. I made a bad choice, but willing did so. In the morning I would have done anything to take it back...but would never say it was rape.
Hope that clears it up.
@SpOnTaNeOuS_sPiTbAlL@xanga - @WannaBeFit73@xanga - Maybe the above helps clear it up.
@katelynjones90@xanga - Please see my comment just above this. It may help clarify my point. The post that is linked in the beginning of this post actually details the situation better than the brief description here. This makes a lot less sense as a stand alone here then it did as a follow up on my blog!
@tradeitall_x@xanga - i completely agree with you also... that's basically what i said in my comment i just posted.
@proana_emokitty666@xanga - Youre right in that case. Obviously it's different if you are unable to move or speak. I would definitely consider that rape. I just don't believe that it's rape if the person has the use of their body and mouth but just don't bother to speak up and say "I dont want to do this."