Monday, 08 November 2010
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Should I Ask Her Not to Go to Vegas?
Okay, time to get real. I need advice, plain and simple.I am dating a girl who, for the first time, I am madly in love with. Considering marriage, but waiting for the right time.
Up front we had conversations about what things we didn't ever want our significant others to do, and how we would deal if it happened. Drugs, cheating, etc.
I have a big problem with dating girls that drink. Whether it be history of alcohol abuse in my family, or history with it screwing up relationships in the past, I'm not sure, regardless, it was one of mine.
She stated she had dabbled in the past. She never wanted to drink, but did and never wanted to again...Except she and her girl friends had a planned Vegas vacation to go nuts, get sloshed and just lose their sh-- for like a week.
My feeling is this trip should be canceled. Her friends wouldn't have invited her if she had never tried it before, and even though she didn't really want to in the first place, since she did ultimately try it, they want her to come with and do it again, big time.
No good can happen there, nothing really about that situation appeals to a person in a relationship. I mean, why get drunk for fun, when your boyfriend is elsewhere? Even if I'm there, why get drunk at all? What's the point?
If she goes, it will just kill me inside.
But, I don't want to be the controlling boyfriend and I don't want her to think I'm taking something from her, or giving her an ultimatum of sorts. This was a plan prior to us getting together, and I don't want to fuss with her life too much.
All in all, if I ask her not to go, and she does, I couldn't take it. If she doesn't, I know she'll be bummed.
What do I do?
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- From: the_bumm@xanga
- Name: Nate
- Location: Portland, Oregon, United States
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Comments (83)
You can't control what she does. I have huge problems with dating people who drink at all, I just won't do it. My advice? Just talk to her about it, tell her whats going through your brain. If she wants to go, let her go. If she gets "sloshed" and it bothers you so much, I say to leave her, and find somebody that won't do that kind of stuff. Good Luck!
To be honest, I wouldn't worry about it too much.
I don't drink a lot- but I do on occasion (not crazy though). I am also in a relationship (several years already). Over the summer I took a vacation with just my girl friends, and we did drink there. Based on my experience, I would say to you that if your girlfriend is typically a "good girl", she most likely isn't gunna go too crazy there either.On our vacation, some of the girls who were regular 'partiers' drank a lot (but at least they were just among friends, nothing sketchy went on) but me and one of the other girls who isn't a big drinker either-we had a few drinks here and there but didn't really get that drunk and didn't get too crazy.Most likely your girl is just going to have a good time with friends and get a break from every day life-who couldn't use a vacation? My boyfriend didn't mind because he knew we'd be fine but to be honest if he did try to get me not to go it would have really pissed me off.
A relationship is a 2 way street and while its one thing to express concern or lay down your expectations but its a whole different issue to actually tell her not to go at all. While a relationship is definitely a partnership, you are still individuals and she has every right to go on this trip-especially since you said it was planned before you were in the picture, and if you feel strongly enough about her to have considered marriage, you should trust her enough to let her go. Just let her know that you worry/care about her and tell her not to get too crazy or drink too much if she's gunna be drinking.
i dunno, i mean, its only one week, i say let her have her fun. talk with her on the phone each night, and let her know you love her. what she does should truly ultimately be left up to her, otherwise she WILL feel trapped and controlled, if not now .... eventually.
So, the only reason you're trying to keep her from going is because you're afraid she'll drink, which she never does, during a one-time trip to Vegas, even though she hasn't given you any reason to mistrust her, and she isn't planning on bringing her Vegas behavior back home with her. I understand being leery of girls who drink a lot, but if this isn't an ongoing thing, and she isn't a big drinker normally (or even occasionally, it sounds like), then I think you need to trust her, not judge her for any inebriated behavior she may display (barring any cheating, which you'd be justified in being upset over). You don't have any right to stop her from going, or even ask her not to. If you do, it's going to be a point of contention between the two of you for years and years...or less, because controlling and neurotic behavior like that is a good way to end your relationship.
Seriously, you wanted feedback, so I'm telling you: don't do it. You'll set the stage for ruining your whole relationship over something that probably won't be as big a deal as you're thinking.
-Katie
Let her go, if you prevent her.. it'll only bring down your relationship. If she's the girl you're planning to marry.. you have to believe she's smart and will make wise judgements. You definitely do not want to be the type to control what she can and can't do. Trust her; it's what relationships are all about.
I understand your deal with drinking...I'm not a big fan of it either. However, having a few drinks every now and then is not a big deal, unless you have a serious problem with alcohol. But anyway, if I were in that situation, I wouldn't be happy with my boyfriend going to Vegas with his friends to let loose, but I would let him go because I trust him.
If your girlfriend is not an alcoholic and she is devoted to you, I don't see why one week in Vegas with her friends would make you so upset. Ultimately you have to trust her, and let her do what she wants, especially since she made these plans before you came along. If you tell her that you don't want her to go, she will resent you for it on some level, and you will be putting your needs (if I would even call it that) above hers, which isn't fair. Then she'll lose no matter what decision she makes. Personally, I would tell her you aren't thrilled about it, but you want her to do what would make her happy, and you trust her that she won't betray you and cheat on you. That's all you can do.
just trust her.
"Why get drunk for fun?"That's kind of a self-answering question.
I don't need for my boyfriend to be present in order to have fun. If this type of thing is going to make or break a relationship you claim is headed for marriage, you'd have a hell of a time with married life. Basically it sounds like you don't trust her, and who wants to be in a relationship where they feel like their partner doesn't trust them?
i don't know why everyone is saying "just let her go. its only one time!" it's obvious you see drugs and drinking the same way and i doubt half these people would be saying "let her go!" if it was a week of cocaine abuse.
i understand. i wouldn't want my husband to spend a week in vegas with his buds with every intention of getting wasted, stoned, and whatever else even if he had planned it before me. plans change. things change. talk to her. i cannot even begin to stress how important communication is in any relationship. i'm sure she'd rather you tell her then wait till after she gets back. if it were my husband telling me he wasn't comfortable with me going, or he really didn't want me to go, i wouldn't go. good luck with whatever happens. please talk to her about it though.@GagaMonster - having a few drinks isn't a big deal but wanting to stay tore up an entire week in vegas? for someone who hates alcohol that much it's a huge deal.
you guys should be able to talk it out.
If it's something you feel that strongly against, she shouldn't be going anyway.
I've never been one of the people that needed drugs or alcohol to have fun. There are plenty of things to do sober, without the risks of illegal drugs or hazardous alcohol problems. I don't see the reason for a girl to get drunk in a place like Vegas without her boyfriend if she isn't expecting some male attention- unless ALL of those girls are in committed relationships, you can pretty much bet they're going to want guys around.
There's a history of alcohol abuse in my family as well, and for awhile I held the belief that I could NOT date anyone who drank at all because they'd become an alcoholic and I'd be following the statistics. But I think you need to remember that some people are able to handle alcohol. Not everyone who drinks will become a drunk. Everything in moderation. How long have you been dating if she had planned the trip prior to getting together and yet you're contemplating marriage? Not to mention-- you're thinking about marriage but can't trust her to be away from you for one week? ...What?
Well, I can completely understand your perspective. I HATE drinking. I don't do it, I wont date a guy who does. But, from the female perspective and hating controlling boyfriends too ((which I recognize you're not, and you don't want to be)) I say the best thing to do is talk to her.
Don't even ask her to not go. Ever. She'll think you don't trust her or that you're trying to control her. But, if you just let her know that you're worried about her, for whatever reasons ((just don't want her drinking, afraid someone might try something and she cant defend herself if she's drunk, etc)), hopefully she takes those into consideration. I know I would be worried sick if I had a boyfriend who wanted to do that. But, relationships are about trust and compromise. And, if you want to keep her, you have to trust that she'll make good decisions while there. However, if she cares about you and respects your feelings about drinking, she can possibly make a compromise with you. Don't tell her that she can't do something because that will make her go out and do it to an extreme. Don't even suggest not doing it because she may take it as you telling her she can't. A brief recap of how you feel about drinking can't hurt anything. But you have to show her that you trust her enough to let her go too. Good luck!
The closer you try to hold her, the farther away she'll end up being. Just because you might like her a lot doesn't mean she should stop living her life for you and visa versa.
@GagaMonster - Agreed
@mirrorslie@xanga - Yeah, I know how that is. My entire family (on my mother's side) have problems with alcohol and drinks. Like you too, I didn't ever think I could stand dating anyone that drank but I got over that. Because as you said, some people can handle it better and just because you drink doesn't mean you'll be a alcoholic. And moderation is the key to life.
My advice? I'd say voice your concerns to her and talk about it deeply. Because honestly, holding these kinds of feelings and thoughts on your chest is going to ruin your relationship. And learn to recognize the things that are truly deal breakers and ones that aren't. Don't make mountains out of mole hills, the saying goes.
@akatiegirl - I second this comment! It's right on target.
@beebizzle@xanga - either way its her choice, and your feelings about alcohol should not make her feel like she's doing something inherently wrong. I definitely don't see the point of getting drunk all the time, but I can't tell anyone that they shouldn't get drunk while they are in Vegas simply because of my feelings. He should definitely tell her that he's not happy about it, but he needs to leave the ball in her court and let her be her own person. Ultimately he has to trust her.
i think you should tell her how you feel. if u two really have something, i think she will respect and accept ur views. i also dont think this is really about trust...just about how this makes trip makes u uncomfortable
i let my ex go to vegas with all his guy friends and they always drink til the brink of death. it's caused i trusted him enough. if you trust her, let her go. she can't be that stupid to get drunk & mess around with other guys. it's NEVER an excuse!
@GagaMonster - it doesn't sound much like a trust thing. he's not saying "i'm worried she'll sleep with another guy". he just doesn't agree with drinking AT ALL. so naturally a week of his girlfriend getting tore up is really upsetting him. i don't blame him. i trust my husband with everything....but i wouldn't want him to go somewhere for a week without me JUST to get hammered and go crazy. its disrespectful. at least that's how i see it and obviously it's how this guy sees it as well. i can't speak for the guy, but it seems like he sees drinking like any other drug. and i know i wouldn't be ok with my husband doing drugs for a week just because he planned it with his friends long ago. that would be a hell no.
@art3mix@xanga - i hate how everyone is saying it is about trust when it's really not. it has nothing to do with that. so thank you haha. i thought i was the only one seeing that.
Let her go. Even if you're in a relationship, doesn't mean you can't go get drunk and have fun with your friends. Trust her. It sounds like you're lacking trust, and if you tell her you don't want her to go. She will most likely take that as you don't trust her. That's how I would take it at least.
You're in a really tough spot :( It sucks. I would suggest let her go. The worst that can happen is she'll mess up. In which case, it will be hard. But you know what, if she fails at being a good girlfirend to you, then she would have made a shitty wife. You'd be saving yourself time and eventually a divorce and more hurt. On the other hand, if she is the girl of your dreams and the girl you need to marry, she'll be 100% yours Vegas or in Oregon. Have faith in her. I think if its the love you claim it to be, everything will be perfectly fine and she'll rave about how freakin' awesome you are for letting her go annd all her gf's will praise you too for letting her and be completely jealous their men bitched about them going! And my recommendation to you is while she's gone stay busy with your guy friends dude. And don't tell them about it, don't talk about it. Stay busy and have a good time while she's gone.
even if it was about trust, you can't trust what a drunk person will or won't do. NO one is trustworthy in that state, no matter how much of an angel they are. I don't blame him for not wanting her to go..
So, here's my 2 cents. If my fiance did something we had discussed that I didn't like, I'd tell him. Flat out. I know it seems a bit controlling, but if she's going to have her fun and worry about herself, you need to worry about yourself. Especially if she knows this'll upset you and is going to do it anyway. I just went to Las Vegas with my family to see relatives out there and we stayed on the Strip. Seriously dude, where else are you going to stay? And it's not called Sin City for nothing. :/
My suggestion would be to tell her your feelings. If she cares about you, she'll listen and you two can discuss it like adults.
But, I feel you. When you're in a relationship, why go else where and party when you already have what partying people want? It doesn't seem like it makes sense, to me. If she doesn't like to drink, why go do it then?
Two things could happen: One, she doesn't drink and she has to take care of her girlfriends who get messed up. Or two, she could be in the group getting messed up and then things take a turn for the worse.
You're sort of in a pickle. I wish you the best!