Monday, 08 November 2010
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Speak Now, Or Forever Hold Your Peace
I recently started a new relationship.I had previously had several guys interested, so this meant cutting them all off. None of them expressed an over-abundance of interest while we were talking- we just basically flirted, so I thought it wouldn't be that big of a deal.
Apparently, I was wrong. Two of them took it pretty hard. One, I sorta expected because of the nature of our conversations, but not to the extent that it happened. The other, I never thought would happen.
But here is my issue.
If you can't tell someone how you feel when you have the shot, what gives you the right once that person is in a relationship?
The new person had the guts to say how they felt, and they therefore got what they wanted. It is insanely messed up to go back at that point and say anything along the lines of, "I really care about you, if you change your mind you know where to find me."
That pisses me off! You couldn't say it when you had my attention, but you can say it now?
I've moved on and decided not to spend my time on you. I don't want to hear it now. I don't want to know that you realized what you lost. It's not fair to me, or the person I am dating. You lost out. Learn your lesson, and move on.
Do you agree? Am I over-reacting, or do you think I have a right to be pissed?
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About the Author
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- From: lostonlove@xanga
- About Me: Way overdue for an update...Im Kara. Im very friendly, outgoing, and energetic. Im also very laid back...unless you cross me. I have my opinions but I can keep them to myself...sometimes. Haha. And I know how to respect yours. I wear my heart on my sleeves, and I put all of me into every relationship every time. I'm very secure in relationships as long as someone doesn't give me reason not to be. If I feel like I'm losing someone, I get clingy to try to keep from it. Doesn't usually work, but I have a hard time doing different. I LOVE Ole miss. I met some of the best people in my life while I was there.
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Comments (26)
I agree. Either say something or you have no reason to complain.
i wouldn't be pissed but i would be annoyed. it's their fault. don't worry about it. i would just tell them that they had their fair shot, they didn't say anything, someone else did, and that's that. if they are rude to you or upset with you for ending things, they don't really have the right to be. we've all been in a situation where we have gotten rejected, and it sucks, but that's no reason to suddenly try to grasp onto the person that rejected us because we didn't act when we could have. and you should also add how it's not fair to you or the person you're dating, i think that was a good point you made. they just need to grow up and act more maturely about it. and maybe someday they'll have their shot, but they need to learn how to speak up before it's too late.
you know i had that happen once where i didn't really realize how much i liked someone til he had a gf .............. but then i still kept my mouth shut and walked away. a lesson learned. duh!
Well how do you know who is worth it?
If you don't spend quality time getting to know people, even if it is several people.
Yeah if they wanted to be with you and they didn't say anything, then its their fault. But I think its misleading to say that you're dating the guy you're dating now because he had the guts to ask you. If one of the other guys asked you first, would you be dating them instead? You have a choice to make in this too, so if you didn't want to date those other guys, then it shouldn't be a big deal. If you did, then maybe you shouldn't be so quick to blame them, since you could have easily asked one of them out.
@GagaMonster - I did. The one I am referring to knew how much I liked him, and that I was willing to wait around for his schedule to calm down some in a couple months. He never once mentioned how much he liked me until I told him I had moved on. I put myself out there, and he didnt have the guts to say anything until there was no chance of him actually getting anything.
If you like your boyfriend now who cares? Bump them. Say good-bye. You have a boyfriend.
Whoooaa! I totally know what you're talking about!! I can't stand when guys play that.
Lol, that's what happened to me. My guy is the "new" guy and he had the guts so it sucks it the guys who didn't have the guts before haha. There were 3 other guys who liked me and I knew it too but they dawdled too long so it's their fault.
Nah, you're right. I understand why you'd be pissed. If you want it from their points of view, though, since I've been that guy before, they were probably afraid of what you'd say and were more afraid of getting hurt than they were interested in being with you. It's still their own fault, and hopefully they've learned from their mistake. You shouldn't feel bad, because you did nothing wrong. For some reason, our species has this policy that the guy has to make the first move, and if he is too afraid to take that chance, he has only himself to blame.
I'd be pissed.
@mantiXcore@xanga - well, and thats really the part that pissed me off. The one who did this knew I liked him. I had told him several times that I was very interested and every time he said we were "just having fun." He never once said he actually was interested. Then when I move on and decide to get something beyond having fun, he decides to inform me that he was intending for us to have a relationship when he actually has time in a couple months (he works 3 jobs trying to pay off debt). Then when I told him he lost his shot, he says ok, well if you change your mind you know where to find me. WTF? WHY tell me NOW?
@SpOnTaNeOuS_sPiTbAlL@xanga - I care because its rude. It very disrespectful of my new boyfriend for the other guy to be saying that stuff now when he had ample chance the two months we were "talking" or whatever you want to call it. And bc its just fucked up to try to make me feel guilty for hurting him when I gave him opportunity to step up. It's just all around wrong.
I agree with you but I don't see why you're pissed.
Just tell them they missed their shot, and let that be the end of it.
I actually had to do this recently to a guy I'd kind of seen casually because now I'm in a relationship.And I don't care about how he feels about it because he missed his shot, so it doesn't piss me off that he made a bad call. I'm too happy with my boyfriend to give a shit about guys who couldn't get their shit together.
I would have a problem if this person is complaining or trying to make you feel guilty for "missing out" on him. In the post you wrote, it doesn't really sound like he's doing that, but in your comments it sounds like that. A little misleading.
He probably thought you had feelings for him, too. Otherwise, I don't know why he would be trying to make you feel guilty. You say he "lost out" in his post which makes me think that at one point you did want something with him. If that's the case, I don't think you're being very fair. It's not just up to the guy to speak up. If you had feelings for him, you could have said something, too.
Still, I'm glad you went with the new guy. The other guy hopefully will move on to someone he feels comfortable enough with to communicate his feelings.
I wouldn't be pissed, but.. I have already moved on. Your loss!
@lostonlove@xanga - Well I thoroughly think the best route if he's causing problems is just say screw those guys and be with your man. Don't even waste your time.
@SpOnTaNeOuS_sPiTbAlL@xanga - oh yeah I am done with them. It just made me angry that when I told them we had to be done, they chose THAT moment to be like "oh but I really like you and no one else is who I want" blah blah blah.
@mulleina@xanga - Yes, I did have feeling for him, and yes, he knew. I DID speak up. And every time, he told me we were just having fun. Then, when I told him I was done just having fun and I had moved on, he told me I really hurt him and that he was just waiting til his life settled down to be with me. He never gave any indication of that when we were talking and hanging out. It pissed me off bc I didnt stick around for a few months hoping to make something work just bc it was that much "fun," and he knew it, but couldnt tell me how HE felt until he couldnt possibly have me any more. Its cowardly, and it is rude to my new bf.
This happened to my ex once we started dating. If you really like the person you're with, it shouldn't matter. If not, well, maybe be more patient? Also if they really like you they'll wait until after your current relationship ends anyway (if it ends).
Totally agree! My best friend in high school was apparently in love with me, but didn't voice this until the night of my bridal shower. I had showed interest in him for a few years. He then told me after I got married "I want to respect your marriage, but if it doesn't work out, I'm here. I'll be your second choice." Not respectful at all. Leave me alone.
I've had this happen before, it was highly irritating. I was not interested in this other guy at the time and vice versa, but he suddenly had interest once I was taken. Odd.
No you totally don't! It's their loss not yours! I mean the guy you are with now had the balls to claim you as his girlfriend first, they didn't. They should be mad at themselves, not you. Its not your fault you met someone who liked you the most and made the move. I know this from personal experience, don't feel bad at all girl. Or else your feelings will be wasted and it could ruin your relationship now! If he makes you happy and treats you like a queen, let the haters hate. Not your problem at all! Just forget them! ;D
heh. I had a guy I was just dating and he never wanted to make it official until I got a boyfriend. Once I got a bf, he told me he was IN LOVE WITH ME and all that other nonsense that I won't get into. My bf, only after 2 weeks of knowing me knew he wanted to be with me, and this guy I dated for 8 months goes off the deep end because he suddenly realizes OH SHIT I REALLY LOST HER.
But, I wasn't pissed. Annoyed yes, but that quickly faded. I was happy with my choice.
You should always want someone who wants to be with you just to be with you, not because he/she suddenly realizes that you're gone.
Are you pissed becuse u like the guy and wished he'd said something before........happened to me.
happened to me and i got completely cut off for 9 months and at the same time he badmouthed about me and changed the story around.
Their fault. I had something similar to this. I went on two dates with this guy that went horribly bleh. He said he was taking me out. Not let's make it a meet up... Well he took me to a diner and a group of his friends were there. Then he orderd himself some food and told me I hope you have some cash cuz I'm broke and all his friends harped on him and offered to buy my dinner i just didn't eat i felt so stupid and wanted to go home.
The next date we spent an hour in a parking lot while he talked to a fellow band member. I told him to take me home and at the door he tried to kiss me and i did the whole cheek thing. lol
Well I started dating my now husband and he went around telling everyone he stole me from him and that i was his girlfriend.
I was like what? we went on two horrendous dates how do you turn that into we are boyfriend and girlfriend? He said he thought i knew how much i meant to him... Really? A first date where i didn't get to eat and a second where we spent an hour in a parking lot and i was ignored...
lol there is a lot of craziness i left out to keep the story short..