Monday, 08 November 2010
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When Your First Love Becomes Someone You Can't Recognize
I started reading Datingish since early this year. I found many of the experience and tips from many users really helpful. Now I found myself in a great dating problem and I hope you experts can help me out.
(Sorry for long story in advance, I want you guys to understand my situation completely)
It's been a month and half, I still couldn't get over my ex-girlfriend. I know there are so many tips out there that solve this situation but I did try them, yet, I'm still really depressed about it. Here's the background:
I'm currently 19 years old and a freshman year in college.I dated this girl for 9 month and she was my first love. I never had a girlfriend before and always wanted one since the starting of high school (all my friends were already dating and I was really jealous). Then comes senior year around this time of year (October-ish), I met her at one volunteering event. She was really nice and really pretty and cute.
We became friends and I felt that we might have connection after many talks. We had so many things in common, for example, we both never drink or do drugs (I would said 85% of students in my high school either drink and do drug or both. It’s hard to fine someone this beautiful and not involve to these events) and loved to exercise.
Then I asked her out and she accepted me! It was one of the best times in my life. Our 9 month relationship went really well. Even though there are some conflicts here and there, we still made it through considering it is the first time for both of us. I loved her so much and I believed she does too. She is the best girl and a friend that I could ever ask for. But everything went down at the end of this past summer.
She is going to University of Iowa and I'm going to UIC in downtown Chicago. She told me that she couldn't handle long distance relationship but I told her we should at least try (many of her best friends still going out despite been far away). I told her that we made through for so many months and I believe we can do it (I was really prepared to do long distance too, because I would do so much to keep her). But she just gave up on me; she said she want to break up with me because she wants the full 'college experience.”
I want to respect her decision. So I agreed that we would separate when she promised me that we can still be friend. But I had never thought how miserable my life is becoming afterward.
I’m commuting to my college; it takes me about an hour from my house to school and another hour more to get home from school. I found it hard to get new friends because I can’t stay for social events. Friends I met in class are just classmate friends. It’s hard to get close with them because I’m commuting and I got to get home and unable to party with and get to know them better.I thought it was fine because I believe when I start to live around campus next year, it will be better. I got over that hardship of commuting, but the worst part is that my ex-girlfriend changed completely. We still talked but not as much as we did before. She is telling me how happy she is now in her college; she met a lot of new friends and began to party a lot.
I was happy for her until she starts to reject me. One thing really bothers me is that she started to drink and I was really shocked (we never did before and that’s what make us special from everyone else) I was really upset about anxious. So one night in the mid-September, I asked her why she is been acting weird to me lately, I just want to know what’s going on but she got mad at me and accusing me for trying to control her.
Later that week, she started to tell me to get over her and stop talking to her. She said I’m like the past and she didn’t want to be bothered by past. I was like “WTF.” And then she told me that we can’t be friend anymore because I wasn’t been a good friend to her, she said I’m still been obsessive and want her back.
So there it goes, she didn’t really care about me anymore and I think she turns her back on me. I thought I did everything I can to make her happy when we were going out and we had a great time been together. But she just turned her back on me like that? I’m really upset and sad, I remember she cried so hard the last day we saw each other and I never thought the girl I loved so much would turn her back on me and tell me to get out of her life. This is just completely b.s.
So here I’m, suffering being alone (all my good friends are out of state) and sadness of being broken hearted, trying to make through everyday life while she is having fun doing her things. I still have trouble get the fact that she is changed and not the girl I loved. It’s just hard because I’m commuting and being alone a lot.
Thank you for reading it all and sorry for the long post.
Can you help me?
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- From: iwumbo2
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Comments (34)
The best medicine is time. I know its hard to get over you're first love but it will happen eventually. Don't dwell on her too much, why worry about somebody who doesn't want you? Try to pick up a new hobby! Don't worry,things will get better.
If she was your first love, you're gonna have to give yourself more than a month and a half. You're probably looking at four to six months of working through it. I know it seems like a long time, but it will pass, and by the end of the six months, you'll be in a much better place.
Good luck, and don't give in to the depression and heartache. Work through it with the knowledge that the more willing you are to work through it, the sooner you'll be done dealing with it.
-Katie
I agree with the posts above, it's hard getting over your first love so you can't expect it to be done in a month and a half. God, it's been almost a year since my ex-fiance/my first love and I broke up and I'm just barely getting over it and trying to find someone else.
Give it time, that's all you can do. You think you'll never move on, or find someone else, or be happy. You'll miss them like crazy and just want to be with them but then one day you'll wake up and she won't be the first thing you think of. You won't be expecting her call or text anymore, and so it won't bother you. You'll find another girl to be interested in... you're just not there yet.People change over time for the better or the worse. All I can suggest is to realise that fact of life, and move on yourself. Don't live in the past. There's so much more to life. When you find someone else, it'll probably be easier to get over.
I feel you, my friend. My ex and I dated for almost three and a half years, and he broke up with me while I was studying abroad. I came home and I had no idea who he was. He drank, liked all these things he didn't used to, and he had become just plain mean. He dressed differently and talked differently and I had no idea who he was. It was hard to get over him -- it took months. It feels to me like he died and that this new him isn't really him at all. It's weird, and it's hard; I know. But it does get better and things improve. I'm with a new guy who's amazing and I realized that my first love wasn't meant to be my only love. Rooting for you!
It's going to take a lot of time to get over her.
People change as they grow. You don't have to understand while she has changed or even like it, but just accept it. And maybe, just stop communication with her until you are over her. There will be someone else, I promise.
Sameee situation. And it sucks.
people are people and they are going to change their minds sometimes. we just have to keep living and moving on. i've been there so many times. my last ex was a person i thought was so wonderful but i realized that he's nothing like i thought he was. he just made me believe in him but once the truth comes out, it's hard to accept that they are like that. don't worry, you're young, one heartbreak is getting you closer to the love of your life.
And then she told me that we can’t be friend anymore because I wasn’t been a good friend to her, she said I’m still been obsessive and want her back.
- And then she told me that we can't be friends anymore because I wasn't being a good friend to her. She said I'm still being obsessive and that I want her back.
find something to distract you. maybe you should move into a dorm, or switch colleges away from home, try to move on, if the feeling is not mutual, let her go.
@roxybabe1623@xanga - Agreed
People change and grow apart; it's a fact of life. It'll happen again and again and again. As someone else has said, time is your best remedy. Harsh and not very comforting, but unfortunately there's no easy way out.
You really have to give her space.. you might try to justify your actions and believe she'll understand what your intentions are, but the more you try to resolve things with her, the more she's likely to reject you. From the sound of it, she's moved on, and looking forward to the future and not revisiting the past. I understand "obsessive" may be taken way out of context depending on who's viewpoint, but you have to respect her wishes. Just let her go, if you and she are meant to be, you'll find each other at the right time. In the meantime, just focus on your studies and hobbies, the girl you've been waiting for will enter your life at the right moment. And for your broken heart, unfortunately for most it takes a few yrs to get over someone you've truly admired. Good luck.
i wasn't even in an official relationship with somebody that i consider my first love, and it's been 3 months and i am still not over it. you just need time, and you need to cut her out. it's hard. believe me. i've had to cut various guys out of my life and each one has had different levels of difficulty. but you have to trust me when i say there will be other girls, that you will love again, and that you will learn and grow from this. it will make you stronger. and you will have someone who will want to stay with you regardless of distance.
i know that's not much help, but like others have said before me, you need time. and you need to start your life over too. yeah, you might be commuting, but maybe other people in your home town are too. and like you said, you'll be living on campus next year. get your own life together (not in a rude sense, but think of it as a healthy project, something to make you happy) and don't think about hers. college changes alot of people. i'm not surprised she's started drinking, to be honest. i know lots of people in high school who didn't that now do in college. that doesn't mean she's bad or changed in a negative way, she's just learning and growing too. so let yourself do that as well in whatever ways make you happy.
Feel better. I know it's hard. I've been there. It takes a really long time. Just try to live your life, focus on something in school or something else to help you pass the time. It will take a long while trust me. But it's better to start trying to move on now. You can't hold on to a love that isn't there anymore. School should be your main focus right now, figure out where your life will go, and make it go in that direction. Make friends, join an organization on campus, clubs, go to events at school, etc. Make study groups, get to know people, and just live.
Exercise to let it all out. :)
It'll take a while. It took me months to get over my first love. And, at least yours isn't anywhere near. I had to see mine every day with whoever he was dating at the time. I had to sit in front of him in class and pretend like there was no feelings there. It wasn't until after I went to another school that I was finally able to start getting over him. But it happened, slowly. It took almost 7 months, but eventually, I met a guy at my new school that I really liked, and we started dating. I still thought about my first love for a while, but eventually it came to be in a different perspective. Now, I can look back and say he was the boy who taught me how to love and also what heartbreak feels like. Both of those are two major things that everyone has to experience before they can truly have a successful relationship with another person. So, even though it completely sucks now, you'll be fine in a few months.
My best advice is to get a hobby. I'd say meet new friends, but I know how hard it is to meet people when you have an hour commute. Mine is an hour and a half one way. But, one way that I found that gets me through tough times is to write. DON'T write about your ex or anything because that just keeps you dwelling on her and you don't need to. But, if you find a way to express your emotions and channel them into something, whether it's a sport, art, writing, building things, etc... just find something that will get you moving and have you concentrate on something other than how you feel. Focus on school. You need to keep your GPA up and not let her bring you down. Don't let emotions get the best of you.
It hurts to feel that way, I know. But, it's better to have loved and lost than to never love at all. And, one day, when you're over your ex and you have the chance to meet other nice girls, you'll find someone new. So, cheer up. Be strong. Give yourself time. You'll be alright in a few months. Don't get discouraged if it doesn't happen instantly, because these kinds of cuts are the deepest and they need longer to heal than most emotional wounds.
=( *hug*
I was the one who didn't want to try. He let me go as I asked. It didn't take me very long to realize that that was the most loving thing he could ever do for me. The separation only lasted a few months, as I knew what a mistake I had made. If you two are meant to be, it will happen that way... if not, there is someone else for you, and someone else for her. :/
Wow, our stories sounded similar, up to the point where you started talking about almost having a long distance relationship.
I just got out of a 10 month relationship with my first love. It ended about three weeks ago, but I am happy to say that I am over it. I am only over it because I started disconnecting myself from him before the break-up because of how he was treating me. It wasn't a healthy relationship what-so-ever.
But as time goes on, you will heal, and there are plenty of other girls out there. Plus, lots of people don't drink or do drugs, you just have to look in the right places :)
time heals.
i've spend a whole yr to let go of my first love..
we broke up peacefully, n we could still be frds at first.
however, when u reli love sb n wanna get over him/her,
the best way is not to be frds wif them anymore.
coz when u guys r still frds, u will always hv a false hope n want them back.
it's useless, n it's not gonna work.
so... be tough! n cheer up :)
Just give yourself sometime and focus on school. Don't let this make you lose focus.
:(
its hard to get over your first love, im going to therapy for alot of things and one thing im going for is healing with him, and our relationship. time really does heal everything. vent and do whatever you need to do. but try to think of the positive things about her and all the good memories you had of her instead of thinking about the negative things. that has really helped me.
I'm gonna have to say, you did/do sound obsessive with regards to her behaviour (i.e. she started drinking in college, even though she never used to before and you got mad... uhm, drinking in college is quite the social norm. You say she "changed" but really it just seems like you're upset that she's experiencing new things without you). I'm willing to admit that some people can be problem drinkers and if your ex falls into that category, she wouldn't be the first college student; however, you shouldn't be harping on her for enjoying 'the college experience' at your expense.
Nothing pushes a girl away faster than paternalistic, condescending behavioural judgments. Reminds us too much of our daddy issues.
I just want you to think about WHY you are talking to her. Do you genuinely want to be friends with her? Or do you want her back? I had a situation like this where I was friends with one of my exes, and we were really good friends. I knew he had "feelings" for me but I guess I tried to ignore them because I really wanted to think that we were best platonic friends...needless to say, this ended with us both being hurt. So are you really looking out for her best interest? Are you angry because she is drinking and poisoned by alcohol, or are you angry that she is probably out drinking with other guys and girls and having fun, without you? It really hurts to know that someone you think genuinely cares about you really is in it for their own gain.