Monday, 08 November 2010
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When Old Relationships Resurface
I'll start off by saying that I am in no way what so ever a "home-wrecker."
So with that out of the way here is the big shebang: I was friends with this one guy (let's call him Bob) a long time ago, about three years ago to be exact. We talked a lot over MSN and we got really close as friends for I'm going to guess around four months. As promiscuous as I was the the time with the online community, we had done some less then appropriate things online over the messenger (nothing over webcam though). Over time, we had lost contact with each other and I had forgotten about him all together.
About two weeks ago we had ran into each other through some mutual friends and got back to talking. I had learned that he has a girlfriend now and as we got talking more Bob confessed that he had liked me back then, and is still kicking himself in the ass for letting me "get away."
I thought nothing of it, surly the feelings wouldn't come back if he has a girlfriend? I mean, its been three years! I was so very wrong. He told me that he was fighting feelings for me that were coming back.
Now, Bob and I have practically everything in common. Same moral opinions, same music tastes, same background issues etc. It's like hes a male version of me (which I never thought was possible).
After realizing that my stupid heart couldn't help feel something for him, my curiosity grew. I had asked what was so different about me than his girlfriend and he had said that "Me and her are as different as you and I are the same".
I kept thinking about his beautiful girlfriend, and how horrible I felt (still feel) for her. I mean, if my man was talking like this to another girl I would be crushed.
He kept saying how sorry he is for causing all of this and he keeps beating himself but for not acting like more of a man. In his eyes, real men do not like other girls while he is taken.
I do agree with him, but oh what a mess this has turned out to be. He decided to try to cut himself off from me emotionally, while still staying friends ( I don't know how successful this is going to be to be honest). He lives out in Tennessee and I reside in Connecticut. Me? I'm just going to ignore these feelings and pretend they don't exist. I refuse to be the "other girl".
Oh what a tangled web I have gotten myself caught up in...
Do any of you have any advice? Please don't leave hate comments.
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Comments (19)
to be honest something like this happen to me longtime if you have feelings for a guy that u dont get with anybody you should take the chance he should be man enough to tell his girlfriend he doesnt have love with her there wrong with that aslong he is honest with her and tell her he doesnt feel butterflys and so much love that goes into the soul if you feel like this you shouldnt wait for it because one day he would be married and then you will regret it ...... take the chance while you still have it
No hate for you, dear, but I've heard his song and dance before. Just be sure that his "emotional distance" means business, or you will absolutely be the other woman. If necessary, you might have to cut ties with him while he's attached, depending on how well his "emotional distance" works out.
I'm sorry, though. Your predicament does suck. He makes a choice, and either he leaves her and you two date, or he doesn't leave her and you two remain purely friends. But there cannot be a grey area, and I think you understand that quite well. So good for you for that. :)Stuff like this happens to a lot of people. I am not sure if you can remain friends with him without it hurting his current relationship. It sounds almost like he'd rather be with you than with his girlfriend now, but I don't know that for sure.
I hope things get less confusing for you. Good job at not becoming the other woman.
If I were you, I would cut off ties with him. Staying in touch with each other will only allow your feelings for each other to grow. You can't control your heart. And if he really liked you as much as he says he does, he wouldn't be with her. So I suggest maybe seeing how serious he is about this, he may just be playing the both of you. However, he could also truly like you and be considering leaving her. And remember, if he did this to her, he could do the same with you if you two were to begin dating.
I wish you luck with this whole situation though. I'm sure everything will turn out as it should in the end, so don't stress too much! (:
Well, it shows that you have a great conscience if you're feeling guilty simply connecting with this person over the internet, having never met, knowing he's taken. I would suggest keeping all forms of contact minimal, if cutting things off is too difficult.
It'll never work in the current situation you guys are trying to put yourselves in. With this particular hand, you have to go all in or fold and throw those cards away. There's no REALISTIC middle ground. There can be an ideal one (that of him and you remaining only friends with no emotional/romantic undertones), but trying to conform to the ideal in this situation seems pointless.
All in or fold; there's no middle ground with romantic or sexual tension. You'll just end up putting yourself in a compromising situation that will probably end up with you questioning your moral integrity, so unless you're willing to give up that part of yourself, you're better off cutting ties. Unless you want to be "that girl" and "wait for him".. which is a lot less romantic in the real world.
NOPE. No hunni you deserve better. Break all ties
I'd hate to find myself in your position, or rather his position: being in a relationship with someone who you have little in common with. That's why I'm trying not to settle for second best, just in case this very scenario occurs. If I was the guy, I'd break off the relationship, and go after you (in that order). There's not exactly a 'right' answer to this situation. He is choosing between living in a relationship where he is apparently unhappy, or breaking it off, which will no doubt cause distress to at least his current girlfriend. However, in this case, I think the end justifies the means. It gives him a chance to find happiness, and for his current girlfriend to find a more ideal mate for herself as well. In the end, everyone is a winner.
This is assuming the guy doesn't say nice things to every girl he meets to get in her pants. You may just be a special girl until he finds someone else he had some fling with on the internet (or wherever) ages ago. The way he is acting though, I don't think this is the case.
just ignore him, don't be the other girl. put yourself in her shoes, you wouldn't want to be her.
Oh what dogs will say.. if he does it to his current gf, he'll do it to you. I like how he adds things to make himself look good while being bad; "Real men don't do this.." Mind games galore. If you respect yourself, don't fall for that shit. I can't stand men who play these games and the women who fall for it. If he really wants you, he'll make it happen... as in, make a clean break from his current without you interferring.
I know it's hard, but the best thing to do is cut ties. Period. Especially because these things tend to escalate beyond control. You may not want to be the other woman, but he could easily maneuver you into that position. It's best for everyone involved that you step away. If you want, tell him to contact you if he ever finds himself single again, but in the meantime, it's best for everyone if contact is cut. Otherwise, you're just playing with fire.
-Katie
break it off. honestly it's your best option.
well since you wont be seeing him in person anytime soon... i would just delete him lol.
Stop talking to him. You live far apart, you don't to view yourself as a homewrecker, and honestly he sounds like an asshole. He probably just wants his girlfriend and you at the same time. Who knows who else he's talking to like this too. I had an ex-boyfriend who used to just collect girls to fawn all over him all the time, I didn't know it at the time but found out about it later. This guy sounds the same way.
I was in a really similar situation as this only a couple months ago...my best friend, Mike and I have known each other for over 8 years and over the course of those 8 years we developed feelings for each other but we never did anything about them. Long story short, I got married in June and Mike decided to message me out of the blue (we quit talking for awhile because I was in a committed relationship) and he told me how he still had feelings for me, etc.
All of that said, I truly believe that if you aren't with this "Bob" guy, it's for a reason. Mike and I didn't end up together for a reason. Frankly, I think you can do way better...if he's doing this to the girlfriend he has now, he could very possibly do this same thing to you if you become his girlfriend.
Best of Luck!
Sounds like you already are the other woman. I don't know if being friends is going to help. I would be crushed if my guy was talking to someone else like that, too, and if I knew about it, I don't think I would be comfortable with him trying to retain a friendship with that person. It might be time to let go. I hope everything works out.
Personally, I'll just cut off all ties with him. I don't think he can emotionally cut you off while you two are still friends. For all we know, he probably is already emotionally cheating on his gf with you. I'd walk away.
My advice is not to get in between these two people, I know you've probably heard and read it many times before but put yourself in her position, how would you feel if your boyfriend was talking to another girl he lost contact with..obviously the man still likes you and is not happy in his current relationship or else he wouldn't be out looking for you. Just face it, he lives somewhere else, not in the same town..it's not going to work. Stay away from him and his girl, there are still many more fish in the sea keep on lookin.
It was pretty manipulative of him to tell you that he still has feelings for you when he has a girlfriend. The mature thing to do would have been to keep that to himself and work things out with his girlfriend while remaining amicable with you.
That being said, the only respectful thing I think you can do is to break ties with him. You don't see him everyday (if ever) so it's not impossible. It sucks that you like him but imagine if you were his girlfriend right now. That would suck even more and to me that says a whole lot about his morals and personality. You're not a "homewrecker" because (according to what you wrote) you haven't flirted with him and stuff while you knew he had a girl. But now that you know he has feelings for you, continuing to talk to him gets into a really muddy grey area that's best to not mess with.
So I say be respectful of the girlfriend and just plain be the better person by telling him that it's best to break it off. There's plenty of fish in the sea even if it doesn't seem like it :)