Monday, 08 November 2010
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The Cycle of Love Across Cultures
As a student currently studying abroad, I've gotten the chance to meet people from all over the world. I've found it very interesting how different cultures deal with relationships in different ways.
Of course, these are generalizations and I've met people who don't fit these molds, but I've found three big differences in the cycle of love. These thoughts come from talking to lots of people, experiences with multiple people from each country, and reading love advice books (good foreign language practice!).
1. In America, the order seems to be sex --> dating --> confession.If it works out, you spend more time together. Then after a while comes the big question of "are we friends with benefits or are we dating?" and bam! You have a relationship. Of course many people follow a different pattern but I've seen this A LOT in college-aged dating.
You first try something physical with a person you find interesting (not always full blown sex, sometimes less).
You feel really comfortable with the person by the time you're a couple. But it takes a lot of guessing and game-playing to get there.
2. In Japan, the order seems to be dating --> confession --> sex.
You hang out a ton, one of you suddenly goes "I like you" or "let's be a couple", and then eventually the physical stuff follows. This sort of seems like the old-school dating style from the U.S. too.
With this order, things are pretty clear cut about if you're in a relationship or not. But it can be really hard to build up to the confession, and sex can be awkward if you spent too much time becoming friends without being in relationship mode.
3. In Korea, it seems to be confession --> dating --> sex.
I'd have to say I don't know all too much about this, because I always run away after the confession. It seems like the guys go fast and strong, and then once you're a couple you get to know each other and things naturally develop physically from there.This can be a little heavy - I had a guy declare his love for me a couple of hours after I met him. Rather than being flattering, I was bothered he'd get so into me without knowing anything about me. But at the same time, this gets the second-guessing out of relationships since things are so clear cut.
With pattern 1, you end up wishing for a confession earlier to set things straight.
With pattern 2, you wish for sex earlier on to see if you're physically compatible.
With pattern 3, you wish there was dating first so you'd get to know the person better.I'd have to say I wasn't able to extrapolate any clear patterns from what I've experienced with people from other countries. It seems like Europe is a mix of style 1 and 2. And believe it or not, I had a little run-in with an Iraqi guy that was much like pattern 3 and I ran!
Which way is the best way? What's the order for your culture, and how set in stone are these cultural love guidelines?
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Comments (41)
I'm american, but my trend seems to be, I hang out a lot with a person, there's the "confession" then the "dating," then "sex."
it seems the most logical.
I guess I never thought of it that way. I don't like to be physical with someone unless I know we like each other, and I'm from the US, so maybe that's why I have no luck.... I like 2 the best. That way, you actually get to know someone. I guess I don't much care if we find out right away if we're sexually compatible. That can happen with time, anyway. I don't really know how it works here in Ecuador. I fell for a man here and was trying to do things according to pattern 2, but apparently he just wasn't attracted to me. (But then, who would want a white foreign girl when there are so many drop-dead gorgeous local women everywhere?)
Yay just gotta say I'm so happy this post got on here! Been a long-time reader of the site and tried posting something for the first time cause I had this on my mind.
I feel like it can really vary with the US based on religion, politics, age group, etc. After posting this, I realized I see dating -> sex -> confession a lot too with slightly older (like late 20's) Americans, like people who meet in a datey context to begin with (blind date, friends' introduction), got physical, and then decide on a relationship.
@TheSecretLifeOfPandas@xanga - That would be my ideology. I don't know how other guys do it, but I can't seem to just fuck a broad without intimacy involved.
well, each sequence has its advantage
i'm personally not a good relationship example
coz, i always do things wrong
i fall for friends, those who became too friendly to date
well, anyway, preferred one: i like to know the person a bit first
and then, the korean sequence
coz i wont confess to someone, i dont know
lol, i probably over extend the "know a bit first", that's why, i fail=(
I'm American and my husband is Korean. For us it went dating -> confession -> sex. That's funny, it's the order in Japan, even though we're from the other two countries you mentioned lol :)
For my boyfriend and I, it was the "Japanese" order. He's foreign (not even Japanese) and I'm American. xD Interesting.... Dunno how much truth there is to your analysis in general, but it's something to think about.
For my boyfriend and I, it was the "Japanese" order. He's foreign (not even Japanese) and I'm American. xD Interesting.... Dunno how much truth there is to your analysis in general, but it's something to think about.
I guess my own personal preference is some amalgam of confession/dating and then sex or things like it. Unless it's just hooking up. Then it's just the sex stage. I'm pretty good about not mixing sex and dating.
@Eternal_Nocturne@xanga - yeah. sex is kind of a big deal.
I haven't been in a relationship before, and I've always thought I would go with dating, confession, then sex. Then I met this guy in a club a little over two weeks ago. We danced all night together, and the next day I added him on Facebook. We talked for a while, he gave me his number, and ever since we've been talking every day. So we kinda did the physical thing first, but we didn't even kiss, we just "danced." Even though we haven't seen each other in person since the night we met (we're planning on a date this weekend), he asked me last night to think about "us" and being officially more than friends. So think this is very different from the way I wanted to go, but hey, it's working for me. What do you guys think? I really want to know.
I think physical attraction is so important in a relationship or potential relationship. I think SOME physical contact such as holding close, snuggling, should be concurrent with confession and dating.
I think it's so adorable to be close to someone, while having serious talks, and realizing "wow, he's attractive, we're physically compatible, AND we can have meaningful talks. This is great!"
I don't recommend full blown sex before dating, it's just a bad idea for all cultures. However, I don't think I can be involved with confession THEN dating. It's just too uncomfortable for me personally.
sex ---> confession ---> dating
tee heelol, never noticed muahaha.
I guess mines the american way. Friends with benefits... ugh haha
confession--->dating------------> sex (only with my bf. He's the only guy I've dated that I had full blown sex with. The exes? Mostly we barely did anything. I waited for the right one.)
Japan. And I definitely have only seen the American way explode in all my friends face. I'm American, by the way.
For some reason I see most Americans think you shouldn't date to find the right guy. You either sleep together first and fall into a sloppy relationship, or you have to have some sort of pre-existing friendship. But I think dating is an awesome tool to get to know someone, feel the sparks, or not, and have clear-cut intentions for your relationship from the word go.
In some religious cultures, it's confession ---> marriage.
I'm in the U.S.A. For me, it was always the Korean way and the sex only comes after we've been dating for more than a year. Maybe I'm old-school but I don't just sleep first to test out the relationship and I don't like ambiguities.
im 2 or 3
wow, this was actually an interesting and insightful post. i'm surprised it's not more popular.
@kn1ghtviper21@xanga - haha i always imagined things would work out that way for me, but i have yet to meet a girl who would put up with waiting an entire year...and i figure, if you can't beat em, join em.
I did it the Korean way, but we were friends first (hung out in a group rather than just us). We're both British.
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - What do you mean by not meeting a girl who will wait for an entire year? Wait for what?
my boyfriend and I got together (in America) via the second method. I like it the best out of the other ones you've listed - and also the only problem you mentioned with it (wish physical was sooner so you could see if you're physically compatible) that "setback" didn't even cross my mind! haha
so... yay!
On further thought, I feel like there's another way to break this down. Not saying anything about the different cultures, but about the dating styles, I sort of feel like:
#3 (confession -> dating -> sex) = high school
#1 (sex -> dating -> confession) = college
#2 (dating -> confession -> sex) = post-college / "the real world"
Any thoughts?
@TheNotoriousGOD@xanga - Thanks so much! I'm glad you liked it
Ummm...I don't think these patterns are patterns at all. I think it's different for everyone. Definite cultural differences only arise when there are really strict social and/or political rules governing relationships and behavior and from what I can tell, you haven't been immersed in any cultures like that.