Saturday, 06 November 2010
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I Had Premarital Sex, and Now I Just Feel Guilty
My mother knows that I am now having sex with my fiance. She asked me bluntly and it took me completely off guard that I did my "deer in the headlights" look and said, "Yes... we are." Immediately, my mother's face crushed and she said that she already could tell (yeah, right), and that she was very disappointed in me, because she thought that I wanted to wait until marriage (I did, but... I mean, he's my FIANCE!). Anyway, she started crying and was really just angry with me. She asked me to stop to having sex with him, and I said I would think about it.
She also asked me to repent for my sin and talk to our church leader about it.
Thing is, how can I ask for God's forgiveness if I don't feel any guilt about doing it? I don't feel dirty because I'm having sex. I don't feel guilty. Yes, I know premarital sex is frowned upon in my religion-- in many religions--but I don't feel guilty, at all. You're supposed to feel sorry for what you did in order to receive mercy from God, but I don't. And I hope God understands... I mean, He understands all, I'm sure. But I certainly hope He understands my feelings.
I talked to my fiance about it, and we did end up pushing our marriage date further and further back. I told him he would have to wait for marriage in order to get sex again. He's not very happy about it, but he understands and supports my decision. I feel guilty for letting him have sex and then taking it away from him because he really enjoys it.
Me, on the other hand, doesn't. I don't see the appeal of sex. I mean, I love the idea and the feeling of us being naked together on the bed, kissing, touching, hugging, and I love the idea of him being my first and only partner. It just doesn't feel as good to me as it does to him, so I really don't have any motivation to NOT take sex away from our relationship.
The question is: Why am I stopping sex in my relationship?
Am I doing it to please my mother?
Am I doing it for my church?
Am I doing it for God?
Am I doing it for myself?Should I feel guilty about having premarital sex? How the HELL do I make sex feel good to me?
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- From: CrisaRei@xanga
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Comments (112)
I relate to this in a weird way.
this belongs in revelife imo.
foreplay is key here.
secondly--the guilt goes away.thirdly-- it'll get better over time.fourthly--don't be afraid to self pleasure (rub your own clit--make sure you know where it is!) while he's inside you. on your back one leg over his shoulder usually works great for me. Just saying...You're in a committed, loving relationship. Despite not being religious, I waited for that before I ever had sex. I never saw the necessity of having a slip of court paper to justify me expressing my love. If you don't think you did anything wrong, and you didn't actually hurt anyone with your actions, I don't see why you need to stop. Your mother might be a bit hurt, but this is YOUR life.
Anyways, two cents from someone with a very different world view. Hope it helped.
@katethoughts@xanga - but it also deals with sex in a relationship so it matters here too. It can be on both.
@GodlessLiberal@xanga - I agree.
I'd suggest talk about it some more with your fiance and even think of this long and hard. And pray too. Pray very hard. God isn't going to love you any less just because you had premarital sex. But do what you think is best for your life. And remember it's your life and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
And this is what religion does. It makes people ashamed of a perfectly natural and normal thing. Just because they don't have what is by all rights a piece of paper and a ring. Think about what you want, not what your religion tells you to want.
I am a virgin and have the was raised in the same family type you were.
No sex before marriage.
Pretty scary to admit to your parent, eh?
Do what YOU want. Not what your mother wants, or your father.
If your belief is that God wants you to quit sex before marriage, I would talk to your boyfriend and see what he thinks. Could he go without sex before marriage?
It also depends if YOU want to sex, not your boyfriend. Keep that in mind. If he dumps for you no sex, that is his own fault, he dumped a great girl. Always keep this in mind.
But if you think what you are doing right now is what you want out life, I suggest continuing so. But if you want to add other factors like your mother or God,... then you will have to change your wants.
@GodlessLiberal@xanga - agreed.
@Gorrific@xanga - Couldn't have said it better myself.
dont be ashamed of yourself. you don't need to feel guilty - which you aren't. God always knows what your feelings are, even when you don't. and he'll only love you even more. yes, premarital sex is frowned upon in christianity but we're all dirty people anyway. god still loves you just as much as he did when you were a virgin. which is beyond belief. your mom shouldn't be angry with you about it either because you are still god's beloved daughter
I'm in the same situation as you :(
What troubles me about your whole post are phrases like "letting him have sex" ... " I don't see the appeal of sex. " ..."I really don't have any motivation to NOT take sex away ."
These are very unhealthy thoughs about sex that aren't going to serve you well when you're married.
I don't know if your views of intercourse were instilled from the church, your mother, or inhibitions about your body and that of your fiance. Only you do. I hope you can work it out in your own heart, body and system of beliefs. Good luck.
@Gorrific@xanga - Going beyong the girl who wrote this post, I'd like to add a general thought along the lines of your comment. It's very unlikely that a vows and a ceremony can change one's views about sex if it's instilled upon them from a young age that sex is something you "give" to your husband, that breaking your hymen is a "sin," that sex is for "procreation only" and must happen only between a man and his wife, and that a women must giver herself to her husband "when he asks for sex." as her wifely "duty," ..etc. etc...
I figure you're a Christian, or follow some other Abrahamic religion. Look in the bible and tell me where it says you have to have some sort of ceremony ordained by some organised church and/or state, and that you must sign a piece of paper. Can't find it? That's because its not in the bible. Don't take my word for it. If you're really into this religious nonsense, go have a look for yourself. If you're like me though, you don't need a state or organised religion telling you what to do, you're an exclusive couple, fuck each other all you like (preferably in private, or you might get arrested).
@oohearts@xanga - Well, hopefully you can get some advice here too!
@katethoughts@xanga - I honestly didn't know where to put this as it does involve religious and relationship text, so I chose this because I felt perhaps I'd get better feedback...@thinkpinkpanther@xanga - I have masturbated and we do a lot of foreplay. I just sort of lose the feeling once we're getting into it. @GodlessLiberal@xanga - I am very fortunate that I waited for someone that I was in a loving, committed relationship before having sex, very much so. I do not feel guilty whatsoever having sex with him. Thank you for your wonderful advice!@Gorrific@xanga - I'm not ashamed, really... And yes, I think religion does that too. It is a completely natural thing to do with another person, but everyone expects me to feel that way, and I'm the people pleaser type.
@VincentHVamp@xanga - It was a very terrifying moment, that's for sure! My fiance said he would be willing to wait until marriage if that would make me feel comfortable about this entire situation I am in, thankfully.
@MiSS__NARA@xanga - You do have a point. God will love me no matter what, and everybody sins.
@nyfemme@xanga - That is exactly my point. I want sex to feel just as good for me as it does to him so it doesn't seem like I'm "giving" it to him or "taking" it away from him. I want it to feel good - I want to love sex as much as he does. I just don't know how to make it better for me.
I have tried masturbation, we have tried tons of methods for foreplay, he even bought me a small vibrator to help (and it does actually help), but I keep hearing my girl friends say that it feel SO amazing all the time and they want it constantly. I want that, too... But for some reason, I don't really feel anything...
"God created sex. Priests created marriage."-Voltaire
@mistermino@xanga - I've tried these things. Maybe i'm doing something wrong...
@too_pretty_to_die@xanga - I wish there was a 'like' button because this made me laugh.
I share the religouse values however I have slept with one man before marriage and honestly there are a lot of emotions from it. I don't regret actually sleeping with him. I do regret it not working out and realizing what kind of person he was after I slept with him. I thought I was going to marry him so it was kind of like "why not?" And you have done sooo much better than most people already by waiting until you were engaged. Yes, this information will always hurt your mother but it's not really her business. You're a grown woman, you can make your own decisions. And I think that her asking for you to repent might be a way of trying to make you feel guilty and her being a bit snotty if you ask me. Forgiveness is, like you said, needed only when you need to be forgiven. You don't feel like you need it so when or if you do ask then and not a moment before.
As for making it better, a female orgasm is a little more complex than a man's, you kinda gotta work for it. I can't really give any good advice though because the guy I slept with was actually pretty good at it. The best I can tell you is to explore your own body and then kinda share your secrets with your man. Also, though, sex may never be great for you. Shockingly, there is appearently a condition were you can't have orgasms! (terrible I know!) But if all else fails you may want to go to the doctor and see if this might be the case.
I dont feel guilty at all about having sex before marriage.. but NOW I FINALLY UNDERSTAND the meaning behind the whole "no sex before marriage" thing. I've never had sex with someone I loved. It's always been with hookup buddies..
@Devil_Dalliance@xanga - No, I don't feel guilty at all for having sex with him. I feel guilty that I don't enjoy it as much as he does. And I feel bad that my mother is disappointed, of course, but just because of that, not because of sex.
As for having a condition where I can't orgasm, I do orgasm. Mainly through oral, toys, and his hands. Penetration just doesn't seem to... make me orgasm. And I am his first as well, so we're both learning about each other's bodies together. We've been having sex for two months, so we're still new at it. Kinda of a horrible thing I'm doing, huh? and I feel bad for coming to him with what my mother said, "Stop having sex."
Well, the idea of waiting until marriage is that you save sex for a person with whom you can share a relationship similar to that which you have with God. Just because you plan on getting married doesn't mean it will for sure happen. The way I see it...a ring is a promise that can be broken. My mom was engaged once before she even met my dad. Engagement isn't the done deal. As for asking for forgiveness, you have to mean it to be forgiven. So...if you don't feel bad and repent, you're not really getting it I guess. I guess I can't relate to that situation, but in general I suppose you should feel bad for violating God's word. If you don't, you might wonder whether you are truly embracing Christianity or were just raised that way and are no longer following.
Feelings are fickle, but God's grace is not. So it's not really a matter of feelings and Him understanding you. It's more about whether you seek truth or shy away from it. People can justify all sorts of sin and God will understand, but He will not approve.
@CrisaRei@xanga - lol It's not horrible at all. You love each other. However, I'm not going to say that's all that matters but only because of what I've been through. I think you have a terriffic man because he's able and willing to stop having sex for you. And I don't think it's terrible of you for saying no. That's your right as a woman but if you're doing it because your mom said so (and yes moms are wonderful and should be respected and yaddah yaddah) You may want to rethink. If you like it and he likes it and it's something you like sharing together and you love eachother then it's between you and him and god and your mom can butt out. God knows you love him and he probably put you two together so I don't think he has much of a problem with it.
Um. . . I hate to make this suggestion but maybe the reason you don't like penetration is because you don't like what's doing it. And don't get me wrong, I'm far from being a homophobe. I don't like mentioning it because you obviously do love him . . . you just might not love his body. IDK I'm probably waaay off the mark. I just like to know things. I don't like leaving questions unanswered, ya know? Idk
P.S. that was fast. It was like you were waiting or something lol
1.) Medications can interfere with your ability to experience sexual pleasure.
2.) Stress can interfere with your ability to experience sexual pleasure.
3.) The combination of the two can leave you flat out of luck.
I would ask if you're self-conscious or too worried about pleasing your fiancee, but that doesn't sound like that fits you either. Are thereany other things going on in your mind during the heat of the moment? Distractions?
Good luck!
@CrisaRei@xanga - well...try different positions etc and if all else fails use toys during sex. also since you say oral and toys I'm going to guess you only get off clitorally? girls can orgasm via 2 methods of stimulation, clitoral and g-spot, have fun exploring your body more with your fiance hopefully you'll enjoy it more and more. If not it is still no reason to feel guilty your fiance is enjoying it more than you as long as you enjoy it with him it's fine.
i think it takes time to first get used to sex, then to get to know each others' likes and to finally put it all together and have fun with it. then you'll enjoy it. as for the guilt, if you hadn't told your mother you wouldn't feel bad about it. that answers your question. and it's not right for you to change your sexual behavior with your partner because together you agreed on one thing, and your mother has no right to dictate your obviously healthy relationship.