Saturday, 06 November 2010
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Help! My Boyfriends's Best Friend is Dying
This post will probably sound like it is coming from a super sad Asian drama, but it is in reality, something that is actually happening.
My boyfriend and I have been together for a little more than a year. We were friends previously for a year before we got together. I love him very much and he is a great person.
The last two months have taken quite a toll on him because his best friend is struggling with acute myelogenous leukemia. As of the end of November, she will have another few months to live.
I am really sorry about the loss that my boyfriend is experiencing and I have tried to comfort him the best that I can. She is constantly comforting him and vice versa. I do not know how to help him grieve after she is gone. What can I do?
Before we were dating, he once told me that his best friend was his savior and that he loved her more than he could ever love anyone. She is extremely important to him. How can I help him cope after she is gone?
I am not looking to replace her because that is impossible. I want to help someone that I love very dearly. His best friend is his support system and his angel. She saved him from the years he spent drowning himself in drugs and alcohol. She believed in him when no one else ever did. I thank her everyday for saving him.
I am afraid that after she is gone, he will fall back into that cycle. I am looking for a way to keep him holding on, if that makes any sense.
Thanks so much.
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Comments (19)
No way to say this without being crudey McAsshole, but what the hell are you asking us for on this one? You're the girlfriend, you have to be there by his side through the good times and the bad. If you can't do that, then there is no way in hell that this relationship between you and him is going to work.
The grieving process has one bad crude. Time marches on for most people. It's not that we don't want to, but we just do. I thought I'd never forget my father's death, but I got over that in about 3 days. At first, he's going to be next to near irrational. If the alcohol and the drugs may come back, but that's because you did nothing to console him. It's going to get annoying with him repeating the same ground a few times over. That's what is going to happen, you have to be there for him. Say what he wants to hear, do what he may need you to do (within reason, don't let the death be a doorway to doormat), and just overall support him in whatever you need to do. There are also grief websites that you can use as guidelines to support your friend through this. Do note that it takes time to grieve and everybody has different time periods for it. This will be a trial to see whether or not you two can really function and strive as a couple.
I was rough, but I still stand by the fact that "If he's back on his drugs and alcohol permanently, you didn't do it right." Hate to break it to you, but although you don't want to replace her, you're going to have to be that angel and that support he's going to need, much like a boy has to be the man of the house when his father dies.
Honestly, just keep life like its been going now, he may get angry and take it out on you and other people. My husband lost his mother and indirectly, he put a lot of his anger on us. Be understanding, talk to him when he needs to and if he shows signs of wanting to revert back, talk to him and guide him away. You may not be his friend that is dying, but it doesnt take a miracle to keep him out of that if that what he wants and Im sure she wouldnt want him to do that. He knows that.
Now, this might be bad timing for me to say this, but in the event that he does not want help and reverts. Know when to leave the situation and realize if it is toxic. Get me? Sometimes, you can only do so much to help someone cope. At some point, if he doesnt want help from you, family or phycologist. Its time to move on.
@Eternal_Nocturne@xanga - To be fair, the OP IS by his side and trying to comfort him the best that she can. I think what she's asking is how to help him cope with his grieving after his best friend is gone besides being there by his side throughout this difficult time.
I completely disagree with you on your statement: "If he's back on his drugs and alcohol permanently, you didn't do it right," or "because you did nothing to console him." Why should she take the blame if HE wants to revert and go back on to drugs and alcohol? For all we know, she could be there to support him and encourage him all she can, but if he picks up the bottle, that was his decision and it's on him. Sometimes you can only do so much to help someone. The rest is really up to him to decide for himself what is best for him.
Anyways, to the OP, every individual handle the grieving process differently. Some takes longer than others to heal. Some loves company while others just want to be alone. Some take it out on others while others take it out on themselves. As someone who cares and wants the best for him, just be there by his side. Comfort him. Encourage him. Support him. Listen to him. Just be there for him and show him that even if he lost someone important to him, there is still another who cares for him just as much.
Death is a part of life. Just be there for him; as there isn't any magic word that will make things better. Time heals all wounds.
Just continue to do what you have always been doing; comfort him and give him some space to grieve.
@Eternal_Nocturne@xanga - I believe you're completely wrong about the OP's part in his reaction. If he's a recovering alcoholic and drug-user, it is definitely not their fault if he reverts back to his old ways. Those choices are his and his alone. No one is responsible for another person's reaction to a situation.
I'm assuming that this post was written because they probably have never experienced a loss quite like this in their own life. It's always hard to help someone through a rough patch when you have no idea what that person is really feeling. A grieving person can tell you how they feel all they want, but all of us who have experienced a loss like this know that words will never match the hole that is left inside.
Beyond this, it sounds as though your comment was an impulsive one, like you read this and started typing the first things on your mind instead of really thinking about it. Really, it sounds as though you're implanting something of your own experience into your opinion on the matter, like no one was there for you when you experienced a loss. Being bitter about someone wanting to know the best way to help another person, and snapping at them when they need genuine advice, will more likely than not repeat this theoretical (since I don't know if it really did happen) cycle. And if you're angry about it, why would you want to try and put someone else through that?
just be there for him. there is nothing more you can do.
I lost someone that was like a father to me early this year and it's been very difficult because he was like not only a father but a best friend. And my bf has made tremendous stride to constantly show he cares more often than not, and comfort me when I get sad about my father's passing. The thing is that if you're going to comfort him..he has to take it as well. It's painful but death is a part of life and if he get over this fact then he doesn't deserve you. You may be there and he'll push away. I think honestly, you need to take to him about this especially when you say that he had a drug problem before. I think talking would be the best thing to do and then go from there. But he does decide to take your comfort, just be there for hi. It's really all you can do.
All you can do is be there for him and understand what he is going through. Be his support, because that's what he will need. It really is the best inoculation against deep depression and alcoholism. If he feels like someone is there for him and he has a reason to be all that he can be, he will. You can't take the pain away or bring his friend back, so that's really all you can do. Good luck.
My boyfriend's two best friends have both committed suicide. I wish I could help.. All you can really do is be there for him and support him. Help him be strong so he doesn't fall in the wrong path or pick up bad habits.
There's not really one specific thing that you can do for someone going through loss. Every person is different. All that you can really do is just show him your love, be by his side, and show that you're going to stick by him through this trying time. You obviously care about him a lot, and I think that in the end of it, that will be what gets him through. And you yourself must be strong, also.
Much luck, love.
The only thing you can do is support him. Time is the key here.
The other matter is his coping method. All you can do is encourage positive coping methods rather than the negative ones. After all, we can't dictate human behavior.
It's really hard to know what to do, and often you feel helpless in these situations. You won't be able to fix everything - it's going to be shitty for him. Just be there for him to help with little things and be a shoulder to cry on. Don't try to reassure him with worn-out phrases that everything will just be perfect in the future and "time heals all wounds" types of things. The best you can do is tell him you are there for him for whatever he wants or needs, and recognize that you have no idea the extent to which he is suffering and hope only to get him through each day.
I had lost my mother at the end of march 2010. 6 days before my 19th birthday, its a very hard thing to go through. especially when she decided she wanted to take her own life and leave everyone and me to raise my baby brother. But i just think you need to be there.My finacee was there and there was really nothing he said that helped. He just held me when i cried, and took work off for a full week to comfort me. He tried to "say the right thing" but it didnt do much about what i was feeling. Hes going to have to go through the greving process and its not a fun or easy thing to go through, especially for the person who didnt go through losing someone, you just have to be there and help him and be understanding. Listen to him when he talks about it and it may get tiring after awhile and you may want him to stop, but thats part of the process. Also anger is part of the greving process too and that one may or may not last the longest of them all, my mom passed in march and i just got over the anger part and now im back to the sad part. Thats all you can really do. I hope this helps.
-Auttie Rae
just support him.
but you don't matter enough for him not to go back into that cycle, why are you with him?
@Eternal_Nocturne@xanga - what the hell is wrong with you? Took u three days to get over your dad dying? You obviously didn't care about him that much then. AND if he did fall back into drugs and alcohol it wouldn't be her fault.
You seriously did not think before you wrote your comment, and I hope the reader does not take anything from it, except that yes death is a part of life and theres nothing in particular that you can do that will change how he feels, you can only be there for him while he is hurting.
@isitreal_no@xanga - Yes, I did. It did take me three days to get over his death. I was broken, I've dealt with it, I got over it. It's either deal with it and let it stop me cold, or let time do its wonders and move on. Different people have different ways of coping with death and sadness. You're making it sound like I pissed on the man's corpse!
@Eternal_Nocturne@xanga - Your comment just sounded so wrong, we can't control others actions so saying that she would be the cause of what he does in reaction to his best friends death sounds so wrong to me. If he took it really badly and resorted back to drugs and alcohol, despite her best efforts to be there for him, would be devastating to think it was her fault.
Just be by his side whatever happens. And no doubt there is going to hurt. But time heals, some people don't agree b/c no one is healing them. So you are the one to heal him with time. *hugs*